Tom and Grant
Tom and Grant quickly see that they use the joking, indirect approach that they take to sex with the exercise as well. They make wisecracks about the exercise. They admit that they feel awkward and silly, and it is easier to joke it off than address it. After naming that, they then push themselves to jump in and do it. Their joking subsides after that, and the exercise gets easier after they do it the first time.
Tom:
Tom has a hard time asking Grant for anything sexual. His previous partners had always taken charge, so he’s never had to put his desires into words. He hasn’t gotten exactly what he wanted before, but that was okay since he didn’t have to speak up. He does have some ideas about what pleases him, but it is like pulling teeth to get him to talk about it. Grant is completely open to hearing from Tom, but it takes some time before Tom can say what he wants. It is a gradual process, but he gets better about being specific in describing what would feel best to him. Since he has never talked about sex, it is slow going. But the payoff is immense, since he really starts to enjoy what he is getting. He starts to talk about what he wants outside of the exercise, too, and that makes a huge difference in their sex (and everyday) life.
At first when they do the exercise, Tom spends most of his turns aware of, and nervous about, how Grant is experiencing what is happening. Even though he is supposed to be focused on his own pleasure, he can’t enjoy it if Grant doesn’t seem happy. And even when he does, Tom worries about what Grant is really thinking.
Tom finds incredible freedom once he starts thinking about himself. After he gives himself permission to not worry about Grant, letting Grant take care of himself, Tom completely relaxes in the exercise and has a great time. It happens suddenly for him, once he just decides he can be “selfish.” He asks for all kinds of things he enjoys, and he lets himself completely enjoy it. He explores a lot of touch and stimulation and learns more about what he likes. He also starts to release the shame he’s felt about his sexual orientation. He lets go of a huge burden, and his anxiety evaporates.
Tom gets much better at handling conflict between them. He doesn’t joke so much anymore, and he even calls out Grant when he slips back into a joking mode about sex. He will speak up about what’s bothering him without the overriding fear that he will lose the relationship. He no longer pesters Grant to keep talking about their disagreements for hours. He can let things go for a while and get back to them the next day if it still feels like an issue. He’s doing more things on his own now, too, without feeling the anxiety he used to feel when Grant was busy with his own friends and hobbies.
Grant:
Grant believes that sex should be easy, and if you need to talk about it, something must be wrong. He comes into their relationship with a certain amount of confidence, and it shakes him to find out Tom has things he likes that are different than what Grant has been doing in his previous relationships. He struggles with anxiety and resistance during the exercise because it is uncomfortable for him being the Giver without that sense of confidence he was used to.
Once he shifts his perspective, Grant comes to love hearing from Tom about what he wants. All the pressure is off him to know what to do or to be an expert. His self-consciousness disappears because he knows Tom must be getting what he wants if that’s what he is asking for. Giving becomes easy and joyful for him because all he has to do is follow directions. He loves seeing Tom happy. That is so different than the fear he used to see in Tom’s eyes at the mention of sex. Their sex life has been so strained for so long, and Grant has never seen Tom abandon himself and just really be happy. He quickly feels hopeful and positive about their sex life because he can shift to thinking about himself and his own pleasure.
Grant mostly stops joking about sex, although he slips occasionally. He’s able to be direct about what he wants. Now that Tom is enjoying sex and doesn’t seem afraid, Grant is having an easier time initiating again.
Grant has also gotten much better about handling his anger and reacting with moderation. He’s broken his family’s pattern of inflicting big emotions on the people you love. He’s also staying involved in their discussions and disagreements. He’ll take a time out when he needs one, but he will circle back and make sure they finish their conversation.
Grant and Tom have much more open communication about sex at this point. They have both developed the ability to know what they want and put it into words. They handle conflict better, with a balance between sticking it out until things are resolved but also taking breaks or setting the disagreement aside when their talks aren’t productive. They are both feeling less shame about sex and about their sexual orientation. They are also having penetrative sex at this point. They did research about it, talked about it a lot, and gradually experimented with how it would work best for them. It’s a regular part of their sexual repertoire, although they still find a lot of pleasure in other forms of sexual interaction. They recently got engaged.
CHAPTER 12
What’s Next?
Congratulations! Sex without stress doesn’t mean there isn’t still a lot to tolerate, but you are now more able to tolerate what is there. You can take the pressure off your sex life and make it fun. Where sex was hard, you can now make it easier, if not downright simple.
You have covered a lot of ground in the course of this book. Whether you’ve taken the time to work through the various steps as you read about them or whether you’ve read the book to understand what to do when you’re ready, you now see how there can be a progression from avoidance and pressure to lightness and fun.
The ideas and process that I outline in the book are the same ideas I cover with clients who attend my private practice. I walk you through the same concepts and exercises that have helped hundreds of couples improve their sex lives.
The first stage of the process is to gain understanding, about both the problematic cycle that has you trapped as well as how sex and relationships can work better with a new mindset. You come to see how your unrealistic expectations set you up for feelings of failure, how those feelings result in avoidance of sex, and how that avoidance increases the pressure you feel. I encourage you to embrace a concept of sex that emphasizes connection and pleasure. I want you to expand your sense of what sex is and what success looks like. By addressing your expectations and then laying out some new rules of the court for you and your partner to play by, you are set up to approach sex in a way that you cannot fail.
The next stage of the process is about working with your partner to gain insight into your issues and where they come from. You learn how to talk to your partner about your joint struggles with sex. You explore your family dynamics, your sexual history, and your past relationships to recognize what comprises your baggage and where you got it. You look at the various factors that make your sex life even more complicated. You deconstruct the dance you and your partner perform around having (and not having) sex. You wrap this part of the process up by figuring out what your individual role is in perpetuating the problems. You understand what you need to think and do differently to make improvements in your relationship.
The last stage of the process is action. You develop and practice the ability to behave differently with your partner. You use the Giver/Receiver Exercise, the hands-on tool that allows you to practice all these new behaviors and strategies. You learn about how the exercise works and how to use the information you get from doing it for continuing progress. You see that the process of having physical experiences while you focus on your own improvement gives you a chance to practice and grow. The exercise is a laboratory where you can gradually test and recalibrate your thinking and your actions about sex. You work through nine different phases to attain a stress-free sex life, focusing on one at a time, until you are able to master all nine phases and apply them simultaneously.
To help you apply the concepts, I describe the progress of four different couples as they navigate this process. You meet them when they are completely stuck in
the Avoidance Cycle, each for their own reasons. You see their process of discovery as they figure out why they are stuck and what each person is contributing to the problematic dynamics. You hear about their experiences with the Giver/Receiver Exercise—both the challenges and the successes. Each couple is much happier and more relaxed in their sex life now that they’ve done this work.
I have written the book to get this information and strategy into the hands of the people who need it, not just the people who can enter therapy. This is a do-it-yourself book. That creates two challenges. You have to do it. By yourself. If you could work through this process with a therapist, you would have a professional to provide guidance, support, structure, and accountability. Doing this on your own will require commitment, determination, and stamina. I realize it’s a tall order to work through all this material and all the iterations of the exercise that it will take to change your sex life, especially if you encounter difficulties or questions. I’ve done what I can in the book to help you see that the struggles are common and normal. I have worked to instill hope in order to encourage you. I have devised a process that you can follow to make change, setting it up so that you can take small steps and feel progress along the way. But you may not have someone to help you navigate the resistance that comes with the territory of improving yourself and your sexual relationship. You may not have an easy way to find motivation if you struggle (although I have listed a couple of my favorite books in the resources section at the end). You may not have someone to consult about the questions you have. I am developing several other offerings and programs specifically to try to help you through the process. If you want more support in your journey, I hope you will access these resources, listed below, as they become available.
Thank you for spending this time with me. I hope you enjoyed the book, but even more, I hope the ideas and exercises have been helpful in improving your sex life. I would like nothing more than to help people intimately connect with their partner. It is my sincere wish that you have discovered pleasure and connection with your partner. I want the days of disappointment, avoidance, and pressure to be a thing of the past, and sex to feel easy and joyful. I trust that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel if you haven’t started yet or are still in the midst of this process. A happy, fulfilling sex life and relationship is possible if you and your partner want it, work on it, and maintain it.
MORE SUPPORT IS ON THE WAY.
This book is just the first step in providing resources to people looking to improve their sex lives. To support you on this journey, I am developing several tools and programs that complement the book. If you’d like to keep up to date with what is being released, I invite you to visit my website, www.jessazimmerman.com, and join my mailing list. That way, you’ll be alerted as these new offerings are released. The site is also where you’ll find links to these resources.
Here’s a look at some of what’s coming:
An online course
An online course based on the ideas in this book is currently under development. If you’re a person who does better with interaction and guidance to keep you motivated to make progress, an online course will be perfect for you. Or if you’re someone who learns through auditory and visual means, rather than through books, this may be of interest. The course will use videos, lessons, and worksheets to help you move through the process with your partner, giving you a structure to the process.
Workshops and retreats
Live workshops and multi-day retreats are being developed. They will help couples move through this process in an intense and focused way. Retreats will be designed to move through the material covered in the book, with time to have the conversations and experience the exercises. Held in beautiful settings that encourage relaxation and focus, the retreats also give you a chance to ask questions and get guidance as you work through the process.
A free Facebook group
I host a free online group through Facebook called Sex, Intimacy & Relationships. There, I share articles and items of interest, I facilitate conversation, I answer questions, and I broadcast live with ideas and information that could help your sex life. My goal is to create community among people who are committed to creating their best possible intimate relationship.
A card “game”
I will be developing a set of cards to use as a tool to expand your intimate life. The set will be appropriate and useful for all kinds of couples, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, physical ability, and anatomy. It’s meant to be an open-ended and customizable system for increasing touch and eroticism. It allows the users to delve into what’s pleasing and erotic to them instead of following prompts generated by someone else. It will be a great tool for learning to access desire and explore eroticism.
An online erotic quiz
Look for an online quiz geared toward discovering your own eroticism and how it overlaps with a partner. It will provide insight into your sexuality as well as ideas about how to share your interests with a partner.
A private membership group
I will be launching a private membership group. At a low monthly cost, this membership will be a way to get the support and guidance you may need to follow through with the process, as well as a way to be able to interact with me. It will include a private, members-only webpage with exclusive content, regular live coaching and Q&A sessions, community and conversation with others working on their sex lives by way of a private Facebook group, and first access and discounts to other programs.
RESOURCES
Sex, Orgasm, and Masturbation
Anderson, D. (2008). Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man. New York: HarperCollins.
Castleman, M. (2004). Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-body Sex. Harlan, IA: Rodale.
Dodson, B. (1996). Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
Erickson-Schroth, L. (Ed.). (2014). Trans Bodies, Trans Selves: A Resource for the Transgender Community. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
Foley, S, Kope, S. & Sugrue, D. 2nd edition. (2012). Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self. NY: Guilford Press.
Heiman, J. & LoPiccolo, J. (1987). Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women (Revised expanded ed.). New York, NY: Fireside.
Joannides, P. (1997, 2007). Guide to Getting It On (9th ed.). Oregon, USA: Goofy Foot Press.
Kerner, I. (2004). She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. New York, NY: HarperCollins.
Ladas, AK, & Whipple, B. (2005). The G Spot: And Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality. New York, NY: Dell Pub. Co.
Leight, K. A. (2013). Sex Happens: The Gay Man’s Guide to Creative Intimacy. Minneapolis, MN: Langdon Street Press.
Mintz, L. (2017). Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters-and How to Get it. New York, NY: HarperCollins.
Morin, J & Moris, J. (2010). Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women, and Couples. U.S.A.: Down There Press.
Nelson, T. (2008). Getting the Sex You Want: Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together. Beverly, MA: Quiver.
Newman, F. (2004). The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us (2nd ed.). San Francisco, CA: Cleis Press.
Resnick, S. (1997). The Pleasure Zone: Why We Resist Good Feelings and How to Let Go and Be Happy. Berkeley, CA: Canari Press.
Siverstein, C., Picano, F. (2003). The Joy of Gay Sex (3rd ed.). New York, NY: HarperCollins.
Vernacchio, A. (2014). For Goodness Sex: Changing the Way We Talk to Teens about Sexuality, Values, and Health. New York, NY: Harper Wave.
Weiner, L. & Avery-Clark, C. (2017). Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy: The Illustrated Manual. New York, NY: Routledge.
Zilbergeld, B. (1999). The New Male Sexuality: The Truth about Men, Sex, and Pleasure (revised ed.). New York, NY: Bantam.
Relationships
Chapman, G. (2015). The 5 Love Languages
: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Chicago, IL: Northfield.
Diamond, D., Blatt, S., & Lichtenberg, J. (2007). Attachment and Sexuality. New York, NY: The Analytic Press.
Easton, D., & Hardy, J. (2009). The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Adventures. San Francisco: Greenery Press.
Fisher, Helen. (2004). Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. NY: Henry Holt.
Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. New York, NY: Random House.
Hendrix, H. (2007). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples (20th Anniversary ed.). New York, NY: Henry Holt & Company.
Johnson, Sue. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. New York, NY: Little, Brown & Company.
Karen, Robert. (1998). Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape our Capacity to Love. NY: Oxford University Press.
Lawrence, E., Rothman, A.D., Cobb, R.J., Rothman, M.T., and Bradbury, T.N. (2008). “Marital Satisfaction Across the Transition to Parenthood.” Journal of Family Psychology, 22, 41-50.
Taormino, T. (2008). Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. San Francisco, CA: Cleis Press, Inc.
Veaux, F., Rickert, E. (2014). More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory. Portland, OR: Thorntree Press.
Werrbach, M. (2014). “Predicting Divorce: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Psych Central. Retrieved on November 24, 2017, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/07/06/predicting-divorce-the-four-horsemen-of-the-apocalpyse/
Communication
Christensen, A. & Jacobson, N. (2002). Reconcilable Differences. New York: Guilford Press.
Stone, D., Patton, B., & Heen, S. (2000). Difficult Conversations; How to Discuss What Matters Most. New York, NY: Penguin Books.
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