Those We Trust

by Victoria Ellis

  ~

  Simon and I eat dinner and let the bread cool before walking over to the Taylors’ new home. It looks like Mara is a gardening enthusiast; she has already planted several small perennials in the front yard. The flowers bear green leaves that sprout up from the freshly laid dirt. Perhaps James likes to garden, too. I shake off the sexist thought. My father loves gardening just as much as any woman I have ever known. He’s great at it, too. I hope we aren’t intruding too much, this being their big moving day. I’m not sure how welcomed I’ll be after a long day like I assume they’ve had.

  We step up onto the front porch, feeling as if our feet are on foreign land. Simon rings the doorbell, fervently wringing his hands as he waits for an answer.

  When she opens the door, I have to stop my jaw from falling flat onto the concrete. Not only is this woman absolutely drop dead gorgeous, looking like she could grace the cover of Vanity Fair or Vogue, but she’s also the infamous Mara Leach from my memories. There’s no doubting that. This woman is even prettier than I remember. Damn her.

  We exchange pleasantries and Mara invites us into their home.

  “Please, for the love of Christ, ignore this mess. It’s been quite the day, as you can imagine,” Mara says. She leads us into what I assume is intended to be their formal living space and calls for her husband, James. Just as the three of us sit down, James comes around the corner, equally as dashing as his wife. He has a slightly darker complexion than she, with dark features to match. He looks like a soap star, one I had a crush on years ago, swooning over in my bedroom with his poster on my wall.

  I realize I’m now stuck in a difficult predicament. Do I pretend I have no clue who she is? This option may be for the best. Perhaps she doesn’t want to relive the anguish she experienced all those years ago. I wouldn’t blame her. If I bring up high school and recognizing her, surely she’d be brought right back to those events that took place. I decide to act oblivious, and Mara doesn’t have any idea who I am. If she does, she certainly doesn’t show it.

  “Hey, neighbors!” James exclaims as he falls onto the couch Mara is sitting on. “It’s so good to see you again, Simon. And you must be Simon’s better half.” He looks over toward me and I nod and introduce myself, still a bit unsure of how this is going to play out.

  “What brings you to the neighborhood?” Simon questions, and I’m intrigued as well. We have a great school district and I’m curious if they have children although there have been no signs of any little ones thus far.

  “Honestly, we just decided it was time for an adult home in the suburbs. We’re in a good location for my work and Mara is currently staying at home. It seemed like a win-win and this house had sat on the market so long we got a steal on it. Plus it’ll be a good neighborhood to raise kiddos in one day.” James is very obviously proud of their new venture and this answers my thoughts in regards to children.

  Mara looks over at him lovingly, a small smile on her face as she turns to me. “We were lucky, that’s for sure. I am so happy to get to meet you, Abbey, you’re my first friend here. I hope I can call you that.” She allows her shoulders to fall and sits back, relaxing a bit. “I was a little worried it would be a bunch of old people retiring to the suburbs when I saw a couple sets of neighbors on my way in this morning.”

  I nod and smile at her. “Of course you can call me a friend! I could use more girlfriends. We do have a few older couples here but the majority are young families. I’ll help introduce you once you get settled in if you’d like.”

  We chat about interests and our professions for a while. James is a chef downtown and they do not have children just yet. They’re on a “five-year plan,” according to Mara. They both seem to genuinely desire children though, even bringing up that they already know which room in the new house he or she will have. James and Mara make a great couple from what I have seen so far, very affectionate and loving mannerisms are shared between the two of them. James keeps his hand resting on Mara’s knee throughout the entirety of our conversation and Mara nudges at him playfully each time he tells a corny joke or gets a bit too boisterous. I take note that Simon seems to notice these things as well. He looks James up and down, doing the man thing and sizing him up. His eyes trail off to James’s hand that rests on Mara’s knee. I wonder if he wishes we were more like the two of them but I quickly put that out of my mind. My husband would tell me if he wasn’t getting something he needed, I was sure of that. If we had anything going for us it would be our honesty.

  We sit and chat with James and Mara for over an hour and a half before I hint at it being time to go.

  “Well, it’s been such a pleasure you two. I really am happy to have you here and I hope we’re able to see more of each other; this was fun.” I stand up, smoothing my hands over my dress pants. Simon reluctantly following suit, rises and reaches out to shake James’s hand. Mara ushers us to the front door while James stays behind collecting our wine glasses and take them to their kitchen.

  “We’ll have to plan a game night and have dinner once we’re all settled in,” Mara says. “I hope the two of you like games. Thank you again for the banana bread, it’s my favorite.” Mara shows off her perfect smile. It’s hard to believe someone can seem so effortlessly beautiful. Not even just in her looks. It’s everything about her. She’s compelling. I only wish I could place my finger on why, though. When we step out onto the sidewalk, I notice a sign in the yard from a greenery.

  “Did you have the greenery come out to plant? I love this little company, they’re wonderful people!” My dad has worked with them in the past. They’re a fantastic pair and run a well-known business.

  “Oh no, I did all of that. We’re going to have ivy put up on the home. There was a house I was absolutely obsessed with when I was growing up. It was dark brick and had ivy crawling up the sides. I knew one day when I owned a home, even if it didn’t come with the ivy tangling up its siding, I would figure out a way to get it. It adds a level of mystery, don’t you think? Like secrets lie just out of reach.” She keeps eye contact with Simon the entire time she speaks her words and I feel like I’m suddenly the third wheel. “Of course, James and I are an open book. We’re so pleased to be here!”

  Simon and I retreat back to our home and he decides to watch television while I draw myself a bath. Here we are, back in our little comfort zone.

  The water simmers just beneath the surface. I undress and lower myself into the large claw-foot tub, soaking my fair skin in the bubbles laced with epsom salt. I know I shouldn’t be paranoid. I should know better than anyone how to talk myself down from deranged thoughts of my husband leaving me for another woman. Simon has never once given me any reason to doubt his fidelity and loyalty to me and our marriage. Even if Mara is up to her old, husband-seducing high school ways, it doesn’t mean that my husband will fall prey to her antics. I need to have more trust in him, I think to myself as I raise my loofah above my chest, letting the water trickle down onto my skin, washing away the day. Simon is a good man, deep down I know this. I just can’t get the thought out of my head. My delusional patients must be rubbing off on me. Mara seems like a nice woman, someone I could perhaps even be friends with. I should invite her over soon. I’m pretty good at reading people and deciphering their motives.

  I resolve to let my brain rest and stop with the unwarranted thoughts just as Simon knocks softly on the bathroom door.

  He peeks in the entryway. He’s changed out of his clothes from the day and is now wearing Calvin Klein loose-fitting pajama pants. He’s carrying two glasses of the wine I snagged for half price at the grocery store.

  “I’m assuming that wasn’t the scandalous girl from your high school?” Simon’s words hit me quickly; I forgot I had even told him this earlier in the night. I decide to tell him it isn’t her. I’d rather him not have any thoughts like that in his head. I don’t want him knowing the new neighbor woman was the city slut back in the day. Or perhaps I do. That would be a turn off, wouldn’t it? Lor
d, help me.

  “Well, that’s probably for the best. Anyways, I brought you a glass of wine, babe. I thought you could use it after a long day in the office. Have I told you how much I love you lately?”

  I instantly melt and shame myself for even thinking this man could hurt me like that.

  “Yes, but I don’t mind hearing it again. I love you too.”

  Chapter Four

  Mara

  I watch them walk down my driveway and over to their own. They appear to be a lovely couple, but they don’t reach for each other’s hand as they walk together. Simon and Abbey Paulson, our new neighbors. They both seem sweet and I know it isn’t right to think this, but Simon is easy on the eyes. I’m not one to judge looks but I think Simon may be a touch out of her league. Abbey is nice, nonetheless, but at first sight of her, I thought things were going to head south quickly.

  I recognized her instantly and I know she knows me, too. She went to my high school and she knows about the scandal—there’s absolutely no way she doesn’t. Two can play that game though, Abbey. I am overwhelmingly glad she didn’t acknowledge our pasts and that the two of us were able to reintroduce ourselves. I’m not ready to delve into that mess, I won’t ever be. I’ve worked incredibly hard to leave those things in the past.

  James is cleaning our wine glasses. I brought out one of my most expensive reserves from a Michigan winery we went to a few summers ago. They were both impressed by the bottle, and they were right to be. Abbey acts like she typically drinks cheap whites—she wore her unfamiliarity all over her face the moment she sipped the upscale red. You’d think with their professions they could afford a decent bottle of wine, but I’m almost certain she buys what would equate to bottom shelf. I sigh. To each their own.

  I stand behind James and wrap my arms around his waist, resting my head against the middle of his back. “That was fun, J.” He nods in agreement and I’m thankful for having an outgoing husband who doesn’t mind entertaining, or doing the dishes afterward. He’s much different than the man I planned on sharing my life with.

  I daydream about him often. I thought Ryan was a sweet soul but he turned out to be a devil in disguise. Ryan was mature, sexy, well read, and older. James is younger than me by two years; he’s good looking but in a boyish way. James is good to me though, and I don’t worry about him going anywhere. He’s a constant in my life and has been for three years. We rushed into things when we realized we were pregnant but later lost the baby. We were already married though, so too late to decide to go our own ways. I do love James. He satisfies me.

  Our sex life is superb and he knows how to fulfill my needs. He loves to please me and doesn’t seem to care about getting it in return. I think I have blown him a total of eight times in three years. He goes down on me nightly. He knows what he’s doing with his tongue, too.

  Even with all of the redeeming qualities James has, I still let my thoughts and eyes wander every now and then. I got a little too close to my boss at my old job, which is what led us here. My boss was older, just like Ryan. We shared similar interests, too, something James and I don’t truly have in common. It was easy to get lost in my former boss. It happened before I knew it was and by the time I fully realized it, it was almost too late.

  I pulled myself out of the situation before anything physical happened, no hard lines were crossed. The emotional lines that we severed though, my god. I think back to all of the late-night text messages and lunch hours in his office. It brought me back to those intense feelings I had for Ryan. My boss and I were able to actually communicate on the same wavelength. Something I don’t entirely have with James.

  I resigned and am lucky enough to have a top chef husband who can support us until I figure out what I want to do next. Perhaps join a convent so I have no temptation. I smirk to myself at the thought of it.

  James has no idea why I left. He thinks I just grew tired of the mundane routine. I told him the job didn’t spark my creativity any longer. It would break him if he knew how emotionally attached I was to my former boss. He was giving me what I wasn’t getting with James—conversation and wisdom.

  James is a perfect physical lover but sometimes I wonder if he has a brain in his cute little head.

  I have a habit of becoming a bit obsessive over men I can’t have. I wouldn’t tell Abbey this but I think therapy is complete bullshit. I don’t need another person to tell me how messed up I am; I am well aware. I’ve read the self-help books. I meditate and practice yoga. I’m working on forming boundaries with men that are not James.

  James finishes up and we shower together, something we both enjoy. Washing away the day is symbolic for us and what comes after the shower is even better.

  He picks me up and carries me to our bed, laying me down gently. I never know what I’m in for when he starts in on me. Will we wind up fucking missionary? Will I be on top? Will he? It’s a guessing game that I’m happy to play.

  ~

  Morning comes too fast. I lazily stretch out in our large, comfy bed and scroll through my social apps. I’m still growing used to being a stay at home wife and having no real beckoning responsibilities in life. No children and no social activities. I prefer being solo anyways. I have time to myself to just be. James has been nice enough to set up my home office in one of the empty bedrooms we won’t be using for anything else. I plan to read in there and hopefully feel some sort of inspiration to get back to painting again, something I haven’t done in years.

  Simon mentioned that he works from home some days, and this is interesting to me. His wife, Abbey, works long days at her practice and I think about what it will be like for the two of us to be so close to each other without our spouses being near during the day. I quickly shake the idea from my mind: this cannot happen again, Mara. I know how wrong it is. I clearly have a screw loose in my head. I should be content with James being the only man in my life. I like the attention though. I like to have men chasing me, it’s very alpha male. Men get a little crazy when they know they have competition. A lot of them are turned on by what they can’t have. They like the secrecy and I like it too.

  My wildly impulsive thoughts are swirling about in my mind and I decide to let things happen as they may with Simon, and any other male I connect with. Getting too far ahead of myself messes everything up and I really do love James. I wish he had some of Ryan’s qualities, though. I miss the things I loved about him.

  The slam of a car door shakes me from my thoughts. I peer out the window just in time to see Abbey backing out of her driveway. I feel like I should befriend her, or at the very least, try to get a bit closer to her. I’m not looking forward to her psychiatrist brain dissecting every word I say, but I know how to omit the intimate details, the ones she shouldn’t be privy to. I refuse to let her diagnose my level of crazy.

  I make a mental note to invite Abbey over for coffee on Sunday morning. I immediately think about walking over and asking Simon for her phone number as we didn’t swap last night. It would give me a little time alone with her husband, which I certainly don’t need but I want. Getting closer to her could go one of two ways. Either I would get closer to Simon as well, or he would instantly friend-zone me because of his wife. Simon friend-zoning me would be the best thing that could happen to us. It would mean I wouldn’t fuck things up further between James and me. Even though James hasn’t even the slightest clue, I feel a twinge of guilt for my actions. It’s barely there, just a fleeting slight annoyance, but nonetheless, it tugs at my conscious now and then. Part of me enjoys this, it makes me feel more human. I’m very self-focused, seldom feeling empathy for anyone or anything, no matter the situation.

  I’ve never had a man brush me off and something tells me Simon isn’t strong enough to resist. I couldn’t help but notice they didn’t touch each other even once while at our house. Could their marriage really be that strong with absolutely no physical touch? Men are physical beings, they hunger for touch, sex, intimacy. Maybe Abbey isn’t giving him what he
needs.

  Why am I like this? I groan and try to mentally slap myself back into reality, where Abbey and Simon are married, James and I are married, and I am not the textbook whore.

  Maybe the two of them have a perfect marriage. Maybe Abbey is a secret freak in the sheets and I have zero chance of enticing him. I’m doubting myself. My eyes narrow as I peer into the mirror and give myself a once over. This is new.

  Screw it. It is what it is. Whatever will be, will be, and all those other overused clichés.

  James leaves for work and I change out of my pajamas, which consists of just a long t-shirt and panties, and into something that makes me look irresistible. I’ve never had a problem with self-confidence. I pull on my Lululemon leggings that hug me in all of the right places and a plain gray V-neck shirt. Simple, yet form fitting and sexy. I just worked out but still look hot vibes. I double-check to make sure Abbey’s car isn’t back home for some reason and then walk over and knock. No doorbell, I noticed. Who doesn’t have a doorbell? It’s 2019, for god’s sake.

  Simon looks delicious. Like the move here was the sundae and he is the gorgeous, damn near perfect little cherry on top. He answers the door in dark wash jeans and a white t-shirt. I love a man in white. We would have adorable kids, I think. Slightly a bit too far, but I’m just being honest. James has changed me in this way. Before he came into my life, sex was always just an accessory, especially after the things I went through. I was once only interested in how intelligent a man’s mind was. Now I crave the entire package. I want a man who can hold a conversation about classic books but also knows how to please me in the bedroom. Simon ignites some type of strong desire in me that’s hard to ignore and we’ve only had two conversations. It’s similar to the feelings I had for Ryan, feelings that happened so suddenly, like a wildfire burning out of control in my heart.

  He greets me and I notice he can’t help but look me up and down. He’s too polite to be super forward about it but he can’t really hide it, either. “Good morning, Simon!” I say, probably a bit too enthusiastically. “Look, I was just thinking how I would love to get together with Abbey. Can I have her phone number?”