Home Torn

by Tijan

  first time.

  “Oh, delusions are supposed to be all-knowing, not stupid.” Mrs. Bendsfield said matter-of-factly, dabbing away.

  Dani held her breath and asked after a second pause, “Did he father my children?”

  Mrs. Bendsfield froze. Her hand stopped mid-motion and then, after a second, she stood slowly and rotated on her feet to stare at Dani’s form. Another scrutinizing stare and she answered, “Oscar Bendsfield was my son, and he was no father to any of your children. You get that in your head and stop showing up around these parts! I took a shovel to you thirty years ago and I’ll take a shovel to you today.”

  Dani stood slowly and asked stiffly, fisted hands at her side, “Was Oscar Bendsfield my father?”

  Mrs. Bendsfield blinked, but remained in place. She shook her head and muttered, “Don’t need these headaches. Don’t need these delusions. Headaches and delusions. I have to lay off those mushrooms…”

  “Did you hurt my momma?!” Dani asked sharply.

  “Stop playing with me. We both know what happened. Your momma’s been in the insane asylum since Oscar took off. You should’ve gone with her for all the foolhardy things you were saying. My Oscar would never touch a piece of filth like you. We both know that so you need to stop showing up around here and just get on raising those bastards of yours.”

  Dani stepped forward and asked, “Was Oscar Bendsfield my father?”

  “What? No. That other vagabond was your father. Although he wasn’t no vagabond by my standards. Kept coming back to sire the last two, didn’t he? Vagabonds come and go. That’s how they do it. That’s how my Oscar was born.”

  “You kept your son from being my father?”

  Mrs. Bendsfield frowned and stepped back as Dani stalked forward. One step by one step. A slow, menacing, cat and mouse.

  “Where’s my grandmomma?”

  Confusion crossed the elder’s features a moment and she answered, “Your grandmomma’s in the grave, Danielle. You know that. You held my hand at her funeral.”

  “Where’s my momma?” Dani asked instead.

  “The asylum. I already told you, but you know that. You kept it from your two sisters, remember? A secret to the grave; that was our agreement.”

  “What asylum? I don’t remember.”

  “St. Francis over in Petersberg. You’ve been visiting her all your life, I don’t know why you forgot that…don’t make no sense. Delusions don’t make no sense. Subconscious, my ass,” Mrs. Bendsfield muttered as she bent back over her work.

  “Mrs. Bendsfield,” Dani said firmly. When the old lady turned back, slightly irritated at the intrusion, Dani said softly, “I am not a delusion and I am not the Danielle O’Hara that you remember. I am her daughter and I will be back because you know a little too much about my life than I’m comfortable with. So you better be prepared to answer questions when you sober up.”

  Leaving, Dani knew the senile old woman would just shake her head, convince herself it was a weird hallucination and go back to painting. She didn’t care.

  Dani remembered her momma with dancing spices and magical powers. Mrs. Bendsfield remembered her momma with suspicion, hauntings, and secrets taken to the grave. Dani didn’t like knowing that her momma would take a secret to the grave. She vowed to uncover a whole lot more than that.

  Back in the Mustang, Dani drove until she found GoldenEye. She shook her head and realized the cow had a halter on with a strap attached to it. As she drew closer, GoldenEye didn’t move. The cow didn’t even bat an eye as Dani grasped the halter and turned to lead the cow back down the road. Coming upon a gate, not too far away, Dani unlatched the gate and led the cow back inside. Once inside, she unclasped the halter and took it off. She draped it on the gate and moved back to the Mustang.

  Just before she was about to get in the car, Dani turned and looked back towards Mrs. Bendsfield’s home. It laid underfoot two massive oaks, as if protecting with giants hands shielding the sun’s rays. It had always had a peaceful air to the home, but Dani realized it was familiar. She’d walked this road many times, driven the same gravel, and she’d even cried after a few Jake arguments at that very spot. She’d never thought about the older woman, she’d always shook her head, thinking of the age-mockery. Everyone knew the cows were dear to Mrs. Bendsfield’s heart, but Dani realized she’d never know what else lay close to the old woman’s heart.

  There had always been a look. A certain look about her that Dani now remembered. Like she’d known something, a secret that the universe wasn’t privy. It had been uncomfortable for Dani—maybe that was why she’d never sought out the woman.

  She was a potter. Another secret none knew about Mrs. Bendsfield. Dani wondered what other secrets the woman knew. But for now, Dani had her own secrets. She could add a few more atop the climbing pile.

  Her shoulders had grown numb.

  Later that evening found Dani sitting on her dock when she heard another visitor arrive. She first heard the car’s door slam and counted the seconds before the first heavy step on the sturdy dock. Aunt Mae. Only one person could walk irritated without sound.

  “Day was damned hard.” Aunt Mae plopped beside her and shifted the afghan to cover her lap. “How was yours?”

  Dani didn’t comment on that. She said, “I’m going to steal my momma’s picture.”

  She didn’t have to wait long. It only took a second before Aunt Mae sputtered and exclaimed, “You’re doing what? From where?” She thought hard and commented, “I thought all your momma’s pictures got thrown away.”

  “I was told they’d been burned.”

  “Or that too,” Aunt Mae remarked as she wrapped her arms around her knees. “Your aunt Kathryn was always a bit irrational and that had been during one of those times.”

  Dani held her breath, remembered Mrs. Bendsfield’s proclamations and asked, “Why was Aunt Kathryn so irrational? Was your momma like that?”

  “Oh…” Aunt Mae frowned and considered her answer. “I suppose. Your momma and Kathryn never wanted to talk about our momma, but I got enough black sheep in me to handle it. No. My momma had all these ideas and grand schemes in life. Sometimes she’d either be on top of the world or she’d thinking the world was on top of her. No, no. Your grandma wasn’t all right in the head at times. I’d like to think Kathryn got more than her fair share of Momma.”

  “What part did my momma get?”

  “She got the dreamer from Momma. Kathryn got the scheming part with all her shenanigans and some of her paranoia too.”

  “And you?”

  “Oh.” A smile warmed her face. “I got Momma’s wild streak. But I got some of her demons too. Too many boozing, too many whoring, and too many life lessons learned the hard way. That was me—yep—up until the day Danny asked me to take care of you.”

  Dani caught her breath, but listened intently.

  “I stopped living Momma’s dreams, thinking they were mine, and I turned serious. That’s when I stopped, Danielle, and it was because your momma came and asked me to take care of you. I think she knew you wouldn’t take to Kathryn.”

  “Aunt Kathryn didn’t take to me.”

  “No, no. That wasn’t it,” Aunt Mae’s voice was firm. Assured. “I’m betting Danny knew Kathryn wouldn’t mold you so she came to me. That’s back when Danny had found out she was going to go and Kathryn wasn’t accepting it, you see. I think Kathryn lived in denial of Danny’s slow walk to the grave until the day she actually had to walk to the grave for the funeral. Yeah, yeah…that sounds about right.”

  “Why didn’t you guys ever talk about grandma?”

  “Oh,” Aunt Mae drawled. “It was more about what she didn’t do than what she did do. I lived through it, but I was the first out of the home so I guess I didn’t see the worst to come. I heard about it and I always thought Kathryn and Danny got a little brainwashed against me. Momma and I used to fight fiercely. It was ugly. Ugly fights.”

  “You said it was about what she didn’t d
o?” Dani prompted.

  “I don’t think she really loved us. Least not enough to stop putting herself first.”

  Motherless love. True, sacrificial motherly love was nearly a gem found amongst sand dunes. There were a few and everyone saw it when it was there, but too many kept their love first and foremost for themselves. If they didn’t take care of themselves, who would? Too many ceased to realize the children would, a multiplied gem.

  Dani knew that a child grows to become how she’s raised.

  “Was my momma like her momma?”

  “Who knows, Dani? Who knows? I think a part of us all came from my momma, but I’d like to think I partied my selfish streak out of me. I knew enough to know when Danny came to me that meant my universe had shifted. I needed to change and she informed me of that. She said she would not have my lifestyle influencing her children and I needed to straighten up if I wanted to be a part of your life.”

  Another memory tinged with a bitter lining. Dani remembered standing at her momma’s funeral, watching the casket lay in the ground; her small feet produced a soft footprint amongst the unearthed dirt. Julia and Erica were huddled against Aunt Kathryn’s sides with her arms holding both, all three with tears on their faces. Dani stood alone, she’d yet to throw her pink-frosted rose inside, but she bit her lip as a strange emotion came over her.

  A soft grin alighted her features now as Dani murmured, “You held my hand at the funeral.”

  A hoarse chuckle ripped from Aunt Mae’s throat as she commented, “That sure is a good memory you got there. I’d been standing in the back, all self-conscious and not knowing what the hell I was supposed to do there. Danny had only spared one conversation with me in years, but you looked so lost and lonely. A little puppy who just realized her momma wasn’t coming back for her. I knew Danny knew what she was doing when she asked for my help.”

  “You picked me up and Aunt Kathryn thought it was the most horrible thing that could’ve happened. I remember that.”

  “Ah, your Aunt Kathryn has some of my momma’s jealousy too, or at least I think so. She was clueless, didn’t know how to even speak with you, but she couldn’t stand the thought that I might know. You and me, Dani, we speak the same language. Your two sisters, they speak Kathryn’s language. Danny knew that.”

  Her momma had known her. Her momma had looked out for her.

  Dani blinked her own tears back as she snuggled farther underneath the afghan.

  “Your momma was a good momma,” Aunt Mae rasped out, deep-throated from emotion. “Life’s not been easy for you, but you had one great momma.”

  Dancing herbs and magical spices.

  Dani closed her eyes, throat choked, and she heard Erica’s voice as she informed them, from her seven years of infinite wisdom, “Momma loves us and she watches us every day. I know she does and you should know that too. Momma loves us. Momma loves us.”

  Dani had shrugged the clingy little sister away and left for the swings. She’d rather play than think of her mother, buried under all that dirt. It was ugly, dirty, and horribly painful.

  “Erica used to sneak into my bedroom. She’d tell me that it was because Momma had come to her. Momma wanted her to check on me, make sure I was okay.” Dani grinned at the memory. “Erica was just a scaredy cat. Scared of the dark. Slept with me for three years until she could handle the night alone.”

  “Erica loved you, Danielle. She looked up to you.”

  Not when she’d betrayed her. Not when she used Dani, made her act as chauffeur. Not when she’d forgotten her older sister had a heart, was a human. Erica hadn’t idolized her then.

  “Until she was eleven,” Dani commented. “She idolized Julia after that.”

  Dani had lost her sister long ago. She didn’t need to mourn a tombstone. The relationship had died years before the tombstone had been ordered.

  “Erica was,” Aunt Mae took a deep breath, “an idiot. Pure and simple, tried and true, that girl was an idiot. She loved you and I knew she loved you. She worshiped the ground you walked on.”

  A tad dramatic, but Dani enjoyed her aunt’s flair.

  “No, no. I know you think I’m just exaggerating, but I’m not. Your sister, your littlest sis, she…Erica was more like you than you thought. She kept the world away, like you do, Dani. You keep the world away. Erica did that. She gave one face for everyone to love, but she had another face behind her. Your little sister, I watched her. I saw it. She wasn’t the Erica everyone thought.”

  “What?” Dani asked. “She wasn’t really as self-absorbed as I thought? She didn’t want to be a god like everyone deemed her?”

  It was laughable. And it was bullshit.

  “Why do you think she fell in love with Jakey?”

  Dani fumbled.

  Aunt Mae added, “I never talked much to those two, but I saw plenty. Oh righty, I did. Julia with her nose in the air, prancing in Kathryn’s shoes, you skulking wherever you thought no one would look, and Erica was the littlest. She watched too, bygones. She watched and she handled herself a way I was proud. She got by, she played the part Kathryn wanted, but she kept you in her rearview mirror at all times. Your little sister, she idolized you no matter what you say. I know it and what I know is right, by golly.”

  Aunt Mae continued, “Little Erica was smart. Smarter than that Julia. She had everyone in town wrapped around her pinky, but by my thinking, she hadn’t counted on her fatal mistake.”

  Dani held her breath and wrapped her fists in the afghan.

  “She fell in love with your Jakey. And your Jakey fell in love with her.”

  Dani closed her eyes as if to ward off the impending assault.

  “She loved him because he loved you. I’ve had a few years to ponder the two of them. I’ve come to my conclusions and I’ve got to say that Jake loved her. Hook, line, and sinker. It was the part of you that she had inside of her. That’s who he fell for.”

  Dani caught her breath and released it, slowly.

  “Erica took a part of you that she loved and she made it a part of her. That’s who Jake fell for. And I know it’ll hurt, but Jakey was needed by Erica.”

  “What?” Dani felt the words cut from her throat. Raw and vulnerable. Bleeding. “You don’t think I needed him?”

  “No.” Aunt Mae continued, “Not like she did. Jakey was her soul. You were his, but he was hers. She needed him. You didn’t and that’s what reeled that boy in. You didn’t need him, Dani. You didn’t need anyone or, at least, that’s what you thought at the time.”

  Did she need him? Boone? Even her own momma?

  “That boy didn’t know what train was coming his way. Erica was the train and she barreled over him, but she didn’t know. She didn’t have no stupid driver. Erica was playing life just like the rest of us. She was going forward, but she couldn’t stop. She had no idea until you left.”

  “I don’t want to hear anymore.” Dani stood and wrapped the blanket around her.

  Aunt Mae scrambled to her feet. “You got to, Dani. Because you have a sister in the grave that you haven’t mourned yet. You got to mourn her. You got to make right with her.”

  “She’s dead!” Dani lost control. “She’s dead! She doesn’t give a rat’s ass what I think.”

  “You’re not! That’s what I’m getting at,” Aunt Mae returned. “You’re alive and you’ve survived hell, though you don’t speak no word. I know it! I know the look and I know it’d take a nightmare for you to leave a man that you say is a good man. A man worth marrying. I know, Dani, and I know you must’ve gone through the fucking valley of death. But you’re standing and you’re alive right now.”

  And Erica wasn’t. That was the point. Erica was dead and Dani hadn’t known. She hadn’t felt her sister leave, yet she’d felt the children die. Slowly, one by one. That was the point.

  “You got to make right with your ghosts. Erica didn’t mean to fall in love with Jakey, but she needed to.”

  “How can you say this!?” Dani shouted. Mae was
her aunt. She was supposed to be hers, on her side. Erica had Kathryn. Erica had everyone else.

  “Because I know you better than anyone else!” Aunt Mae grabbed Dani’s shoulders. “And I know how strong you are, how courageous you are, how beautiful you are. You left holding your head because you lost your boyfriend of ten years. News alert: You didn’t need your boyfriend for that long. He’s not the one for you, Dani! You gotta start accepting that and acting like it!”

  “I loved him!” The words ripped from her throat, never said before. “I loved him and she took him away.”

  Aunt Mae ignored her statement and cried out, “You’re not fighting Julia, Dani. Erica is alive and she is a ghost to you right now. Her body’s in the ground, but she’s in this room. She’s in all your rooms until you finally are at rest with her.”

  Where had this come from? Where had any of this come from? Dani had left for five years. It wasn’t her fault that she hadn’t kept in touch; that Erica died while she’d been away.

  “You feel guilt, girl,” Aunt Mae murmured, recovering her calm. “You feel guilt over everything and you gotta push that aside and start living. It’s stopping you from living. I don’t know what you’re guilty about. If it’s Erica dying, your momma dying, I don’t know. Or that you didn’t fight for Jakey. I don’t know, but I see those demons in your eyes. Me, finding you here, sitting alone and damn near chilled—that pisses me off. You should have a husband beside you and you should be happy, not a numb robot.”