Awful First Dates

by Sarah Wexler

  So I ripped my shirt off and then she turned around to introduce me, and I was standing there shirtless, to them for no reason, like 'Hey, I'm Justin.'"

  —Justin Halpern, author of Sh*t My Dad Says

  Chapter 4

  MR. NOT-QUITE- SINGLE

  There's an old saying about how men are just like parking spots: all the good ones are taken. To take that analogy a step further, the women in this chapter were cruising around the mall parking lots at Christmastime—crowded with competition and no spots in sight. They thought they'd have to park in Lot Y, several time zones away, or keep circling the rows all night in vain. Then their eyes landed on an open space, and a glorious one at that, one right near the Nordstrom entrance! It seemed they'd finally lucked out. Woo hoo! But as they go to maneuver into the spot, they stop short, inches from hitting the bumper of another car already parked there—a tiny Mini Cooper that was hidden from view. That Mini Cooper is the girlfriend or—even worse, wife—these daters didn't quite anticipate.

  It would be easy to hate the "other woman"—but in these cases, the woman didn't know she was the other woman until she was already on the date. Sigh. If only men had to wear engagement rings. Or, you know, didn't troll online dating sites when they're already in a relationship. Or admitted they were married before their tongue was in your mouth. Sure, a lot of the good ones are taken—but a lot of the taken ones aren't good.

  PUT A RING ON IT

  When I was in college, I went on a fabulous date with a grad student, and we were clearly totally into each other. On the way home, he parked his car outside my dorm and leaned across to kiss me good night. Before we could make contact, his phone rang. Much to my chagrin, he answered. "Hello? Oh hi, honey. We're out of what? Tomatoes? Sure, I'll pick some up on my way home." When I asked who it was, he told me it was his fiancée. And then leaned in again.

  BI-CURIOUS

  I had my eye on this guy for a long time, and I was so happy when he finally asked me out. He took me to a romantic restaurant, and I thought the date went well. Afterward we were making out in his car outside my apartment when he said that it had been fun, and he knew that I liked him, but he wouldn't be asking me out again...because he had a big crush on this Chinese guy at his office.

  WHICH ONE OF US IS HE ON A DATE WITH?

  He showed up half an hour late to pick me up for dinner, and then apologized for the smell of the car as he'd come "straight from the gym." Once he picked a restaurant, he kept flirting with the waitress, like comparing notes with her on their mutually shaved arms (he said his was for swimming...sure). It turns out he'd been out with her a few times, and it seemed he'd only brought me there to make her jealous. He hardly bothered talking to me at all and actually pulled up a chair for her so she could join us. I just sat there while they talked, feeling like I was the odd man out on their date.

  FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

  Over drinks, he tells me he has a four-year-old son who lives out of state.

  "With his mother?" I say.

  "Yeah, with my wife," he says.

  "You mean ex-wife?"

  "Technically, I'm still married," he says. "We stay married for the benefits."

  "Oh, the health benefits?"

  "Among others."

  GREAT EX-PECTATIONS

  He spent the whole date obsessively talking about his exwife, even saying, "She's an absolutely stunning woman." He said he'd get over her, though, because all his female coworkers, his best friend, and even his own cousin were attracted to him. I never heard from him again, until a mutual friend said the guy didn't call because I clearly wasn't over my ex. Um, pot, kettle, black!

  SPIN CYCLE SHENANIGANS

  A guy I'd liked finally asked if he could come over and watch a movie. He arrived at my house that evening with Prince's Purple Rain as well as a hardcore porn DVD...and a load of laundry. He told me we could watch the movies while he did some laundry and popped in Purple Rain (at least he started with the movie and not the porn) and asked if I had any quarters he could "borrow." Because I'm an idiot, I figured doing chores together would mean we were that much closer to being a real couple, and I gladly forked over ten quarters and helped him put a load into the washer. We snuggled up together on my couch to watch the movie and started making out. Mid-kiss, he yelled into my mouth, "I have a girlfriend!" I pushed him away, stunned. He told me they were living together and that he'd gotten out for the night by telling her he was going to the Laundromat. The only thing that could make this night better was that his clothes still had twenty minutes left in the dryer, so we sat awkwardly next to each other watching the movie until his laundry was done.

  SHE CAN KEEP HIM

  He took me out to this nice Japanese restaurant, where we talked about family and life. After that we went shopping at a few stores, and I bought a DVD. He suggested we go back to his place to watch it, but I told him I'm not the kind of girl who goes to someone's house on a first date. He kept persisting, and I said no again. Eventually, he drove back to his apartment anyway, and I told him it was weird and I wouldn't go inside. He agreed to drive me home, and we made out a little in the car. That's when he brought up his ex-girlfriend and said, "Yeah, we're on a break right now. You're just a casual date, because we'll probably get back together next week."

  COKE ZERO

  He was a singer who'd just started to hit the big time. He gave me a backstage pass to his next show, where he proceeded to ask me to drive him to his drug dealer's house to buy cocaine, to a cooking-supplies store so he could buy whipped cream canisters for doing whippets, and to the after-party. He tried to kiss me on the highway while I was driving, and finally, he asked me to drive him to the train station so he could meet up with his girlfriend and their new baby. I dropped him off and didn't really think of him again until a few weeks later— when I moved the passenger seat of my car and found the huge bag of coke he'd accidentally left there.

  SOMETHING’S FISHY

  He invited me to dinner on his roof deck and grilled me a piece of tuna. It was not only the largest piece of fish I'd ever seen (I'd told him I was a vegetarian, and I guess he thought that meant I eat fish, which I don't)—it was also the toughest. But because he was a day laborer and didn't have much money, and I could tell he'd tried to impress me by getting an expensive piece of fish, I choked it down with a smile and finished the whole thing, trying not to gag the entire time. When I was done, he gently touched my arm and started telling me all about his girlfriend.

  THE NETWORKER

  An extremely handsome guy approached me at church and started flirting. We talked about work, and I mentioned that I owned a web development company. He asked for my card, smiled, and asked me to lunch. I hadn't been on a date since my divorce, so I was really excited. I called my friends, and they were really happy for me.

  We planned the date for Friday after work at an upscale sushi restaurant. When I arrived, I saw him...with a really pretty blonde. He introduced me to his long-distance girlfriend, who surprised him that day by arriving from another state. They spent the entire meal recounting how they met and how in love they were. I figured I'd totally misread him and maybe he was interested in web developing and just trying to network. But when she went to the bathroom, he started flirting with me again!

  REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO...WEIRD

  I had an amazing vacation romance with a friend of a friend, but we lived far away, and I decided it was better not to keep in touch. Still, I thought about him all the time. A year later, I heard from mutual friends that he was living near me, so I decided to tag along with them and surprise him to have the real first date we never got. When I saw him, he seemed overjoyed and spent the entire day glued to my side. We ended up going back to his room to have sex, which is when I saw his walls were plastered with pictures of his new girlfriend.

  THE FAMILY MAN

  We were having a great time at cocktails so decided to stay for dinner. We ordered a nice bottle of wine, and then his phone rang;
he said he had to check in and would be back in five minutes. When he got back, I said, "Everything at work okay?" He corrected me—he was actually checking in to say good night to his fifteen-month-old daughter and his wife. I considered storming out or flipping the table...but I decided to order the lobster and the most expensive bottle of wine—and then walk out.

  THE MESSAGE is IN THE Massage

  I met a guy at a dance club, and I thought we really clicked—he had seen the same obscure films I like, and we made each other laugh. At the end of the evening, he gave me his card—he was a professional masseur—and, winking, said I should come by for a "free massage." I made the appointment for a week later. When I showed up, he not only told me about his live-in girlfriend, he charged me the full price.

  Awful First Dates: Hollywood Dispatch

  How to Avoid an Awful First Date: "I moved to the U.S. at 18 to model, and I thought going out with a stranger alone was a strange concept, so I would always bring along a friend on my first dates! No man ever complained about it, though, because the friend I'd bring along would always be another model."

  —Iman

  Chapter 5

  MR. FASCIST

  Racism, sexism, homophobia, and anti-Semitism should be relics of the past. If that's too much to ask, they at least shouldn't be busted out on the first date. It doesn't seem like women are asking for too much for a guy who doesn't judge people based on their race, sex, sexual orientation, nationality, or religion. I mean, if dating is the search for love, which is supposed to be the opposite of hate, why would you want to be with someone who breaks out the hate right off the bat?

  A recent survey of 720,000 eHarmony members looked at men's and women's lists of "can't stands" in a partner, the things that would be nonnegotiable deal-breakers for a relationship. The ten most popular responses from men and women were pretty similar, with both sexes saying they aren't fans of lying, infidelity, laziness, bad hygiene, rude behavior, or using drugs. There was only one category that was completely different. The women also cited racism, saying, "I can't stand someone who believes that any ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity." The men, however, didn't vote racism into their top ten deal-breakers, instead opting for something that would make Martin Luther King Jr. just as proud: "I can't stand someone who is overweight."

  With that, it should be no surprise that these guys aren't ashamed to be drinking Haterade on their first dates—yet somehow it still is.

  THE DRIVING NAZI

  On our way from dinner to a movie, a car whipped out of a parking lot, cutting us off. He screamed at the car, "F-ing Jew!" I was obviously taken aback and asked him what the driver's religion had to do with his driving skills. This started him on a ten-minute monologue about how the gays and the blacks and the Jews (although he used slurs in place of the words "gay" and "black") were destroying America. Instead of going to the movie, I asked to be dropped off at home. Two weeks later, he left me a message saying, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult your people."

  ISO: DIVERSITY TRAINING

  I went on a date with my coworker, who's a sweet-but-dorky white guy. In mid-conversation, he dropped the N-word like it was nothing. I didn't know if I should tell him that even though I look light-skinned, I'm actually half black.

  WOMAN-HATER

  The waitress gave me a weird look when she brought me to where my blind date was waiting. He was on his second martini, and downed it and ordered another before I could get my first drink. From the moment I sat down to the moment I left (fifteen excruciating minutes), he spewed venom about his ex-wife, and then decided everything he said about her applied to all women. As I got up to leave, he slurred, "So I hate women...does that mean you have be such a bitch and leave?"

  HE’S NOT THE CAT’S MEOW

  We had only a so-so dinner, and on the drive back, a cat darts in front of the car and we hit it.

  I start crying and tell him we need to stop and check on the cat and possibly take it to a vet, and he starts telling me that like "all women," I'm a "total pussy."

  HANUKKAH HARRY

  Last December, I met a guy out for drinks, and the bar had a small Christmas tree and some decorations up. (I happen to be Jewish but can appreciate Christmas festivities.) I made a comment about how nice the bar looked with all the lights. He gave me a very skeptical look and said, "Wait. you're Jewish, right?" "Yes," I replied. "So you've never celebrated Christmas?" he said, somewhat aghast. "Nope, never," I said. "You didn't even have a tree?!" he said. I told him I never had. He shook his head and looked at me with deepest sympathy, touched my shoulder, and said, "Wow, that's so awful. It must be terrible to be a Jew." I guess he's not converting.

  THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE

  He complimented me on my vocabulary by saying, "My Korean ex-girlfriend wouldn't know that word."

  ALL-AROUND HATER

  I met a guy on the train and we exchanged numbers. Turns out he was the son of an African despot. We went out, and he spent our entire date saying how his race should be the dominant one and that someday "whitey will get it." He was also really rude to our waitress, who was wearing a semi-revealing top. That's when he told me that he "pities" women because "they need to be controlled." I stood up and walked out.

  AT LEAST THEY WEREN’T GOING FOR TACOS

  We were supposed to meet for dinner, and he texted me that he was running late because he got stuck at work. I told him that's fine and that I would get us a table. Twenty minutes later, he comes in and, before he even sits down, apologizes over and over for being late. I tell him it's fine and that I hadn't waited very long. Trying to be sympathetic, I ask him what happened at work. "Well," he says, "we were about to close when these Mexicans came in, and you know how slow Mexicans are."

  CHASING AMY

  He spent most of dinner talking about how in love he was with his roommate, a teenage lesbian. He even showed me a handmade book he'd written and illustrated for her as a gift! When he complained about how things just weren't working out between them, which was why he was trying dating, I suggested it might have something to do with her, you know, being a lesbian. He responded with a rant about how "perverted" oral sex was generally, but especially between women.

  A (NON-INGLORIOUS) BASTARD

  I'm Jewish, and he was from Germany (a fact my grandmother might hold against him, but I didn't). That is, until he started ranting that "the Jews are responsible for all wars, the bad economy, everything bad."

  TAKE BACK THE (DATE) NIGHT

  My date told me he believed bad things only happen to people who sabotage themselves and secretly want bad things to happen to them. While I tried to spin it that having a positive outlook is generally good, I still told him that sometimes bad things just happen unavoidably. He then chose to illustrate his point by bringing up rape, saying that women who are raped set themselves up for it, and if we all just stopped thinking of rape as a bad thing, the world would be a happier, more relaxed place.

  Awful First Dates: Hollywood Dispatch

  "In my twenties, I went to meet my date at a really chic, fashionable restaurant. I wasn't dressed up necessarily, but I had on a nice shirt and jeans. My date showed up in cutoffs and a tank top. I knew half the people in the restaurant, who were all looking at me like ‘Who is this guy with Michael Kors?' It was so embarrassing. My tip: always have your first date at a casual place."

  —Michael Kors

  Chapter 6

  MR. FAST FORWARD

  A major cliché about women is that we're always complaining that men can't commit. Well, that's certainly an issue with some men—but the other end of the spectrum is just as off-putting. You want a man who is open to a loving relationship and not running away, screaming, at the prospect. But it's a rare woman who's not freaked out by a man who acts like making you his girlfriend is his last chance at happiness before he dies alone (though there's nothing in our lexicon that's the male equivalent of "spinster," these guys definitely act like you're th
eir only option, and desperation is never sexy).

  It's these nice guys—every woman seems to have one as a down-on-his-dating-luck friend—who come on way too strong. On the receiving end, it feels like it can go from flattering to stalking in twenty minutes flat. You start to wonder, "How is he really that sure I'm the love of his life when he's only known me for an appetizers course?" Or worse, "Maybe he's more into having a girlfriend than anything in particular about me." Or something which will surely make you bolt: "Maybe he thinks I'm way too good for him. Huh...maybe I am—I don't want to settle, so I gotta go get me someone better!" Either way, the night doesn't end in passionate embraces if he's ready to propose on the starting line.