These ideas of him sticking around long enough to get what he wanted then leave were purely from my cynical mind. I was projecting what I would do onto him.
The idea of him leaving didn’t sit well with me. Weak. I chastised myself. I was changing no matter how much the situation freaked me out. He was a part of my life now.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to admit my feelings to him. I was good at keeping my hardened exterior in place and my true feelings hidden. Hopefully until I could sort out if I at least trusted him or not.
I sipped my cocoa, watching him over the brim of my mug. He fiddled with a leaf that had blown over the railing, crushing it and breaking it into a hundred tiny pieces before he blew the corpse into the air. My heart squeezed in my chest. He looked so likable, so sweet.
“You’re right,” the admission slipped out before I could stop it. I tightened my grip on my cup but didn’t let irritation with myself show on my face. My word vomit was turning into something I had no control of anymore.
His eyes met mine, and he tilted his head to the side. He didn’t push for answers, though. He didn’t ridicule me or make assumptions. Instead, he rested his forearms on his knees as he tore another leaf to shreds. I watched his muscles twitch and flex as the leaf crumpled. I took another sip, gathering my courage.
“About everything,” I added. Hell, I was already there. I might as well lay in the grave I dug myself.
I waited for the righteous remark, the long-winded speech. But in true Coal fashion, he still just stared off into space and grunted. I hid my appreciative smile behind my mug. I guess he wasn’t in the mood for conversation. That’s fine.
Silence surrounded us, and we soaked in the sounds of the night. I opened my mouth to make conversation but struggled with what to say to him. I knew that asking him questions meant that I would have to answer his, and I wasn’t ready for that. He had gotten enough of me in the last twelve hours, probably too much of me in every way possible. But I was curious.
“Where is your mother now?” I thought back to her gorgeous bronze hair, the little highlights that twinkled under the odd sun of his home realm.
“Hmm?” he mumbled sleepily. His eyes lit up, and he smiled with his teeth. Apparently, his mother was a good subject to broach. “She’s an amazing woman. Or was… ”
“Did she die?” He shrugged the question off.
“I don’t know. I haven’t seen her in a very long time, since my father was murdered. I swore I would get revenge on his killer. She gave me an ultimatum, seek revenge and lose her and my brothers or stay and take over the family farm.”
“You chose to leave?” He nodded. “Well, that was a shit-tastic thing for her to do. Not very motherly.”
“It was the most motherly thing anyone could do. My mother wanted me safe and protected at home,” he defended.
I struggled to see it his mother’s way. “So, she was content with your father’s murder?”
He frowned. “Not in the slightest, but she didn’t want to lose her sons either.”
“She lost you regardless.”
He paused thoughtfully. “Well, I guess you’re right. I’ve never thought of it like that.” He chose another leaf to sacrifice and started pulling it apart.
“Why don’t you see if she is still alive? I’m sure she would love to see you.”
He shook his head. By the way his shoulders dropped and his eyes cast to the floor, lost in thought, that wasn’t an option. I wondered what he was remembering. Were they good memories? Did he admire and love his parents? What was it like to have siblings? A home? “There’s no going back.”
“What, are you Amish?” He raised a questioning brow. “You know, the Amish, horses and buggies, no electricity. If kids go out to the real world, they get shunned, can’t come back. Or something like that. Serious stuff, dude.” The smile I pulled from him quickly fell flat.
“It's nothing like that. We can come and go as we please.”
“Then go back and see your mama.” I sure wished I had a mother to see. If I were him, I would have gone in a heartbeat.
“It's not that simple.” Anger started to flare his nostrils, and he ripped the leaf apart, then ground it between his thumb and forefinger.
“Seems like it is to me. It doesn’t matter if you chose revenge or not. That’s the logical thing to do, kill the one that killed your dad.”
“To you, of course it is.” Ouch. I flinched. I chose not to take offense to his statement. It wasn’t far off from the truth, even if he meant for it to sting.
Instead of offering my usual bitter sarcasm, I said, “Then what is it that is keeping you from going back?”
He inhaled deeply and hardened his eyes. “Two of my brothers are dead because of me. They will never come back.”
“People make mistakes, right? Isn’t that the human way of looking at it?”
“No,” he growled. Shame crowded his features. “Not me. Not when they were looking to me to lead them. They were only there because I convinced them that we needed to avenge our father.”
“Dude, don’t beat yourself up. Shit happens.” He opened his mouth but shut it. I could see the fight in his eyes. “Say it, say what you were about to.” He shook his head and tore the leaf up the center. “Go ahead, Coal.” I wasn’t sure why I wanted him to say his insult so badly. Perhaps I wanted him to be more relatable in my eyes? That not everything was all honor and ethics? When he was hurt, he snapped as well?
“Of course, that's the way you’d look at it. You don’t care about anyone or anything.” Yikes, I wasn’t expecting that. Clearly, I’d hit a sensitive spot. I had no right to be upset with him, I pushed it out of him, but it was getting harder for me to bite my tongue.
“Because this is the shit I get for letting people in. Do you think I actually give a shit about your mother or your brothers? About you and your past?” I slammed my mug down on the rusted side table and sat up to face him, being dramatic. “This probably doesn’t come as a surprise, but I don’t give a rat’s ass.”
“Then why are you asking?” His eyes looked hopeful, like maybe something in me might have changed, but he masked it with a smugness that made me want to slap him. Here I was, feeding into his bait.
Begrudgingly, I said, “As much as I hate having you in my way, and as much as I hate to admit I am starting to feel slightly guilty for the way I’ve lived my life, there is a small part of me, and believe me, it is very, very tiny, almost nonexistent––a sliver in my ass––that sort of kind of likes you.” It was more than just that to draw this much emotion from me, but I wouldn’t let him know that. I had to save some face since I evidently couldn’t stop the words from flowing. “Even though you have turned my world upside down and made me hate you and made me feel like the biggest piece of worthless dog shit. So, I decided instead of working against you, maybe I’d try to get to know you.”
Well, so much for keeping my feelings bottled up and not letting him know how I truly felt.
“At first, I tried to do everything I could to get rid of you. I wrack my brain every day with if I should trust you or not. Then, you tried to kill me and couldn’t because of this.” I gestured to my face and body. “Do you know what it feels like to look at you and know you’re seeing this and not me? Now that you know everything about me? That I look like her, the woman you loved with all of your heart and still do after three thousand years. To have you know my greatest weaknesses, my secrets, my darkness. Who my father is and what he has done to me. Plus, I know way more than I care to know about you … and her. To admit that I may actually like having you around?” My mind was running a million miles a minute, and I couldn’t seem to stop the stream of thoughts spewing like a geyser from my mouth, per usual around him.
He raised his brow and sighed, a glint of humor lighting his eyes as he softened. He knew damn well that took a shit ton for me to admit, even if I didn’t mean for it all to come out. “Admit it, it’s my sex you like, not me.”
“Maybe,” I muttered. I definitely liked his tongue and fingers, so I could only imagine what he would do with his cock.
“I don’t wish to hurt you, Shay. I mean, I did at first, but not now.” The conversation took a different turn. The playfulness of his comment left, and his eyes went distant. Something sifted through his features, but I couldn’t explain it. Like there was a double meaning behind those words. I lifted my guard slightly but was also interested in what he had to say, so I didn’t lock my emotions up tight like I usually would. Things were going well. He hadn’t left after my monologue or yelled at me.
“I know.” Did I? When had I decided that? I thought trusting him was still up in the air. “And I, for whatever reason, don’t want to hurt you. How are you living with it? I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I’m spiraling.” I stopped there, raking a hand over my face in dismay and wishing I could take back those words.
He half shrugged.
“There is nothing I can do about it. Onyx is gone, and these are the consequences I have to live with. She’s gone because of me. I couldn’t protect her from my dealings with Hades. It only seems fitting that I’m in this situation.”
I weighed my words. “Coal,” I started, feeling like a prick for bringing it up. What I was dealing with was minuscule compared to how he felt.
“Don’t. Don’t pity me, please,” he breathed. “I’ll admit, I get the two of you confused sometimes. I have flashbacks. I was with her for a very long time, and even though she's been dead for over three thousand years, it still feels like just yesterday I was holding her in my arms. Though you are so different, your stubbornness is achingly similar, and it is something I have to work to tell the difference.”
“I’m sorry, Coal. What my father did is cruel. I’m going to fucking kill him,” I said boldly.
“I know.” A meek smile crinkled the corner of his thin lips.
“What?”
“I will never get used to those words coming out of that mouth,” he said somberly.
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It's who you are, and honestly, it helps me to stop seeing Onyx and start seeing you.” I shivered with the thought of him seeing me. Did he see me last night when he was coaxing sin from me? Or was it her that had drawn such a visceral reaction from him? I had a slew of questions I wanted to ask him that involved her, but I would wait for another time. The conversation was going well, and the usual pain in his eyes had eased a little. There was no need to bring the mood back down.
Coal and Shay, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I… I shook my head.
“How many brothers do you have?”
“Ten.” He grinned. “And yes, we are all huge,” he answered the question waiting on the tip of my tongue.
“Jesus Christ, your poor mother. Can she even walk without her insides just falling out? Her poor vagina.” His lips twisted with horror.
“I choose not to think about my mother’s nether region.”
“Right. I guess you wouldn’t, would you? Eleven boys, she must have lost her mind trying to raise you heathens.” He shook his head. An adorable smile spread across his lips, flushing his cheeks and lighting his eyes.
“My sisters are worse, by far.”
“Sisters, as in plural. How many siblings do you have?”
“Just two sisters.”
“Your parents must have been fucking all the time.” Again, he grimaced. Right, parent sex. Forgive me if I didn’t know the proper protocol. He shook his head like he was clearing the image from his mind.
“That's disturbing.”
“No, thirteen children, eleven of which being jolly green giants like you is what is disturbing.” He chuckled and shifted his position so he was leaning against the railing, facing us directly towards each other. A faint thought of holding him in my arms and comforting him flitted through my mind. I pushed it away. I wouldn’t let one conversation trick me into that.
“What was your mother like?” I asked. It was one thing to have his memories, but they didn’t quite show how he felt.
His smile grew as he reminisced, and it took him a couple of minutes to gather his thoughts. I soaked up the shapes his face made, and the way his smile mixed with the moonlight made him incredibly handsome.
“Strong, resilient, one hell of a fighter. But she was sweet. She made sure that everyone had enough individual attention and could always talk to her about anything. So no one received more attention than the other. She took the time to learn what made us tick. She was the ultimate nurturer, devoted her life to us.” I watched as his expressions turned from happiness to those of regret and turmoil.
My switch flipped.
My heart squeezed in my chest, and a splash of jealousy and anger for him being so stupid collided in my mind.
Did he know what I would give to have a mother and to feel that way about someone? I sure as hell wouldn’t just up and leave her as his dumbass did. I felt my armor plating up. Envy was a dangerous trait, and it made me furious with him. How could he be so insensitive?
I cut myself off.
I had no right to judge his decisions. I only know what I think I would do because I was hurt and jealous of his relationship with his mother. I knew damn well I would’ve made the same decision. Only I would have murdered thousands in my rage instead of just my father’s killer.
“Sounds nauseating,” I said, clearing my features of all emotion.
His eyes glanced at mine and hardened. He seemed to recognize my change in feelings with ease. Bastard. “So, what are we going to do about your father?” He casually changed the subject.
I felt my face go bland at the change of subject, and I just looked at him. “I’m not sure. I don’t know where to even begin. We aren’t exactly the Addams family. I don’t know much about my family tree.”
“Conventional weapons don’t work on him. Magic can’t touch him, and that's if you can even find a witch willing.”
“Just how do you know all of this?”
“I’ve been fighting him. For thousands of years, we’ve been at war.”
“You’ve tried to kill him that many times? And failed?” He nodded. “No wonder you’re sitting here staring at the face of your mate.” He inhaled sharply and gritted his teeth. “I’m sorry, that was messed up.” And just why was I apologizing? I groaned.
“It's true,” he said, then stiffened. His head shifted as if he was listening to something, then his eyes went bleak, his face pale as his lips pursed.
“What is it?”
“Chronos.” He stood, and I braced for the balcony to shift. His skin went dark, and his canines started growing and pushing at his top lip. He clenched and unclenched his fists, then cracked his neck.
“Coal?” I said cautiously.
“Go inside, the wards will protect you.”
“Wards? What wards? What are you talking about? What is going on?” I jumped to my feet, adrenaline dumping into my system as I waited for the time to stop around me, and slid the glass door open. His words had me on edge.
When did we put wards in place? How did he do it without me feeling them? I was pretty sure they wouldn’t help against Father Time himself, but I did as he wanted me to. I didn’t listen much. I was hardheaded and stubborn as hell, but something about the tone of his voice mixed with my lack of strength had me all damsel in distress.
“They will keep you safe. Chronos knows I’ve failed. I have to go. Lock the doors, and don’t let anyone in. I will be back soon.”
“Coal, what are they going to do to you?”
“Just get in the house,” his voice dropped a few octaves, and he pinned me with a gaze so full of rage my heart stopped.
“Be careful.” I wasn’t sure why I said that. Maybe I really wanted him to be careful, or perhaps it was because I needed him to get to my father just as much as I needed his touch. I was selfish like that. My emotions were so mixed up and swirling, and I couldn’t comprehend what it was I wanted when it came to him an
ymore.
The lines were so blurred, and the timing couldn’t have been worse.
With the sun coming up, I did as Coal said and retreated to my bedroom.
10
One eye split first, then I peeled the other open. The room was dark and cold, and the only sound was the humming of my mega-fan as it blew my hair in all sorts of directions. I yawned and stretched until I risked popping muscle from bone. My phone sat on the nightstand plugged into the charger. I double tapped the screen to see what time it was. It was after eight at night. I slept for fifteen hours. Clearly, my body needed it after all it had been through.
I felt somewhat refreshed, but my limbs still felt heavy. My stomach growled, and I determined that I needed multiple different kinds of foods to right the wrongs that were happening. A yawn pulled my dry lips, and I winced as the center of my top lip split right up the middle. A sign that winter air was on its way, or it could just be that I slept with a fan powerful enough to blow the paint off the walls every night.
Shit, Coal.
My heart started racing, and I sat up straight in the bed. I flung the covers off of me and jumped up. I had forgotten all about how last night ended. Coal left, and the apartment was silent when I usually would hear his heavy breathing as he worked out. I rechecked my phone, no new messages or phone calls.
I searched the room for my robe, finding it flopped over the side of the mirror attached to my dresser. I picked it up and gave it a sniff. No, it wouldn’t do. It really needed to be washed, much like most of the clothes scattered around my room. Settling on a red camisole and the cleanest pair of ripped black jeans, I tugged them on and whipped open the door.
The apartment was just as dark as my room. Moonlight cast familiar shadows that I hadn’t seen in a while because Coal was always up before me and had every light on imaginable. He was going to have to start paying the light bill. A hint of dread trickled in. If he wasn’t here, then where was he?
Pawns Daughters of The Underworld Book 1 Page 9
