Filthy Pride: Dark Bully Romance

by Savannah Rose

  He looked gutted.

  Good.

  “I’m sorry. I got sidetracked by some asshole. I hate to do this to you, but I’m in no state to meet you. I have to wash the mud off of my face. Can we get a raincheck?”

  “Mud? Are you okay? Do I need to come and pick you up? Are you safe?”

  I wanted to cry. He was saying all of the right things, the kinds of things a good friend would say. It had been a while since I’d been treated with common human decency and I wasn’t used to it.

  “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m just going to go home and take a hot bath. Thanks for understanding.”

  “Seriously, Anna…if something’s wrong…” Everything was wrong, but I wasn’t going to admit that. Not to Damon. Not to Adam. Hell, I didn’t even want to admit it to myself.

  “I’m okay,” I said, sounding chirpier than I felt. “Raincheck?”

  “Raincheck,” he agreed. “And if you need anything…anything at all…”

  “I’ll let you know,” I promised and hung up the phone before throwing myself into the car. I put my seatbelt on and waited for Adam to get in.

  “So, you’re already dating somebody else? Really, Anna? And you wanna be all up in arms about what happened between me and Angelique? If that’s not hypocrisy then I don’t know what the hell is.” He was seething, but I wouldn’t give him the honor of an answer. Whatever I was doing was none of his business. We didn’t belong to each other. Not anymore. He’d made sure of that. Or maybe I had. But what the hell was the damn difference, anyway?

  We drove home in silence. Adam never took his eyes off of the road or his hands off of the steering wheel. I watched the street signs fly by the window, wishing that we could go back to the days when riding in this car meant something special to us both.

  “My girl, my car, and the open road,” he used to say. That was the trifecta, the key to happiness. But, that was before the night that changed everything.

  As soon as Adam stepped on the brakes, I flung the door open and stormed out of his car. No ‘goodbye’. No ‘fuck you’. I just left.

  I burst into the house and ran upstairs to shower. I needed more than anything to wash him off of me. To fucking erase the evidence that what happened tonight was as real as the thumping in my chest.

  “That didn’t take long. Did you have a good time?” My mom called from her bedroom. She was clearly drowsy and was probably only awake to be sure that I came home. I took a deep breath before answering, not wanting her to hear the distress in my voice and decide to ask questions.

  “Yup. I locked up. You can go to bed,” I called back.

  “Okay, sweetie. See you in the morning.”

  As soon as her bedroom door shut, my brave face dissolved. I stood under the hot jets and let the water wash away all of the filth of the day. I told myself what I’d told myself countless times before.

  “Tomorrow is a new day.”

  Chapter 20

  NOW

  It was my turn to pick Eva up from physical therapy. She went several times a week in the hopes of making a full recovery. Every time I walked through the doors of the rehabilitation center, I felt gloomy. Despite the bright, cheerful, open design, I couldn’t forget that this was a place full of broken bodies. Most of which would never be okay again.

  I turned the corner and saw my sister walking with assistance from her therapist. It was slow and halting and the sweat on her brow let me know it was much more difficult than it should have been.

  As soon as Eva looked up and spotted me, I plastered a smile on my face. I’d gotten used to putting on an act for her. As long as I smiled, as long as I pretended that everything was okay, Eva would pretend too. Sure, it didn’t fix the problem, but it didn’t worsen it either.

  “How’s our girl doing?” I asked.

  Dalisay smiled and patted Eva on the shoulder. “She’s working really, really hard,” she said.

  After you deal with doctors for a while you begin to be able to read between the lines. What she was not saying was as important as what she was saying. And, what she was not saying was that Eva wasn’t healing as well as we had hoped despite all of the hard work she’d been putting in. No matter what, it was unlikely that she would return to the girl she was before the accident.

  “Are you ready to go?” I brought her wheelchair over and helped her get settled, then grabbed her bag and flung it over my shoulder and got ready to wheel her out.

  Before I could even think about putting distance between us, Dalisay stopped me.

  “Can I have a word with you, Adam? There’s something I want you to give to your parents,” she said.

  I nodded. It was odd that Dalisay didn’t just give whatever it was to Eva instead of waiting to put it into my hands. My sister wasn’t stupid. She knew when things were being hidden from her. I looked over at Eva, who didn’t look the least bit shaken.

  “I have to use the bathroom. I’ll meet you out by the door,” she said, a small smile in place.

  I followed Dalisay to a small office off the side of the therapy room. The tiny woman had a wall full of pictures of the smiling faces of former patients and another one covered in certificates from the U.S. and the Philippines. She was easily one of the most highly qualified physical therapists in the state and she’d been by Eva’s side since she was released from the hospital.

  “I called your mom, but I also wanted to let you know. I don’t think Eva has to do so many sessions,” she said, pressing an envelope into my hand.

  “Why?” I held my breath. I knew what she was going to say. We’d all been thinking it, but none of us had the heart to say it out loud.

  “She will get a little better, but I’m not sure she will ever be able to walk by herself again.”

  “You’re supposed to be the best in the State?” I reminded her, though it felt like I was the one who needed the words. “You don’t get there by giving up.”

  “I’m not giving up,” she said. “I’ve seen cases like Eva’s before. I know when to keep pushing. And I know when pushing won’t get us any further.”

  “Isn’t there something else we can do?” I felt like she was driving a pole through my chest. “An operation? Experimental therapy?”

  “I’m sorry,” she said and shook her head. The look on her face told me this was a conversation she had rehearsed many times.

  “Okay.” I gasped for air. “What do I tell Eva? Does she know?”

  “Your mom wanted to be the one to tell her. I am telling you because I see you every week and it feels like the right thing to let you know personally. You love your sister, there is no questioning that. And I’m sure that with support like yours she’ll be okay. Not being able to walk isn’t the be-all end-all. Eva can go on to live a very fulfilling life even if she doesn’t regain complete use of her legs.”

  My vision blurred and hot tears slip down my cheeks. A wave of guilt crashed over me as I remembered what Anna and I did. She was responsible for this and there I was banging the girl who crippled my sister. Loving the girl who crippled my sister…even now. I felt like a traitor. And the harder the thought struck, the more difficult it became to breathe.

  “Eva will find her way,” Dalisay promised, gripping my arm firmly as a means to reassure me.

  I shook my head. She was wrong. She didn’t understand. Nobody did.

  If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in my life and my love and my future, I would never have let her date that jerk in the first place. If I had stayed home with her that night, none of this would have happened. Sure, I blamed Anna. But a lot of this was my fault too. Maybe all of it was my fault. We came into the world together, but I had always been the strong one. I was always her “big brother” and she counted on me.

  I failed her.

  And now, any hope of us getting back to normal was dying. We would never be the way we were. She would always need me, perhaps more now than ever before. And Eva didn’t like needing anyone.

  I tried to gather myself as Dalis
ay rubbed my back and whispered something under her breath. A prayer, perhaps.

  Stepping away for a short moment, she pulled a few tissues from the box on her desk and handed them to me. I wiped the tears away and sucked in a breath that did nothing to fill my lungs.

  “I need to wash my face. I don’t want her to know I’ve been crying.”

  “Sure. I understand. Just to the left.” Dalisay pointed to a door on the other side of the therapy room and I excused myself.

  Inside the bathroom, I splashed my face with cold water and used the last of my eye drops to clear the redness. I’d been carrying it around with me for a while. I wasn’t sleeping well and the last thing I needed was mom and dad on my ass about my eyes being bloodshot. There were enough things to worry about with Eva.

  As I turned to leave, the strap of Eva’s bag caught on the soap dispenser and the bag ripped opened. I watched as everything fell to the floor. What a perfect metaphor for my life, it was. One small catch and everything falls apart.

  I looked at her stupid, pink makeup bag and for the first time, I felt a bubble of resentment burst in my chest. Not at Anna for causing this mess, or the doctors for not being able to fix Eva, or even at fate for letting this all happen. I just felt resentment.

  My leg jutted out and I kicked the bag, sending it flying across the small bathroom and into the wall. Inside I heard something break apart.

  “Shit.”

  I opened the bag and found an old-fashioned powder case broken into three pieces. The mirror on the inside seemed to still be intact, but that’s not what shocked me. It’s what else was in it that I couldn’t understand.

  Pills.

  Lots of pills.

  Too many pills.

  Chapter 21

  NOW

  I felt like my heart was in my throat, so prominent, so loud that I couldn’t breathe or hear or think.

  Why the hell was Eva hiding pills?

  And where the hell did she get them?

  So many unanswerable questions ran rampant in my mind.

  I didn’t know what the hell to think, so I pocketed three. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with them, though Google did tend to be helpful with things like this. I closed the bag and gathered up her things. I told myself that maybe she recently picked up a new prescription. The excuse, of course, made no sense at all. Eva didn’t do things like picking up prescriptions on her own. Maybe the pills didn’t belong to her, I reasoned. There were plenty of good reasons for her to have pills in her bag. There was a logical explanation for this. There had to have been.

  Maybe what I needed was to calm the fuck down. Stop seeing this as some kind of a sin. Eva was just having a hard time adjusting to her life. It couldn’t have been easy going from a perfectly normal, healthy girl, to a person who needed a wheelchair to get around.

  As I dried my face, I told myself not to jump to conclusions. When finally, I didn’t feel or look like as much of a mess, I made my way to the front desk. The thought that I should tell mom what I’d found sat heavy on the back of my mind. But the truth was, it would only worry her. And without answers, there wasn’t a damn thing mom could do anyway.

  Eva turned and smiled as soon as she saw me, and I returned the gesture. This time, however, there was something off. Maybe I was just imagining things, but the smooth veneer of her skin seems a little strained. Her easy smile seemed a little forced. And although her eyes still sparkled, there was a flicker of something else in them. Fear.

  “What did she say?”

  I waved the envelope she’d shoved into my hand.

  “We have to work out a new therapy schedule for you. Doctor’s orders,” I said and shrugged, like it was no big deal.

  Eva’s eyes fell to her torn bag and for a second her smile slipped.

  “What happened?”

  “I’m sorry, kiddo. I ripped it by accident, but I don’t think you lost anything. I’ll buy you a new one.”

  She reached out and snatched the bag from my arms.

  “It’s okay,” she said, sorting through the contents of the ruined bag. I watched as her hands close around the makeup bag. Moments later, relief washed over her face and her fading smile wasn’t fading so much anymore. Everything about her actions was so subtle that only somebody who knew what to look for would have caught it.

  My heart sank.

  All the way home she chatted happily about her day, the unit she was working on now that she was home-schooling, and how she was trying to keep up with old friends on social media.

  “Why don’t you go out and see a movie or something?”

  She shook her head.

  “I’m not ready yet. I don’t want them to wheel me into the theatre and put me in that extra-large empty spot for wheelchairs. I’m not that pathetic.” There was nothing pathetic about it, but I knew better than to try to convince Eva of that.

  “Why don’t you use your crutches?”

  She huffed with annoyance.

  “You don’t get it.”

  “What don’t I get? Explain it to me?”

  “Why do I have to ex-” she threw her hands up. “You know what? I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I just want things to go back to the way things used to be.”

  “But...what if things can’t go back to the way they used to be, Eva? What if they are different?” It was a stupid move. I knew it the minute the words left my mouth and try as I might, I couldn’t fucking shove them back where they came from.

  “D-did Dalisay say something to you?”

  “What? No!” She didn’t believe me. Not that I could blame her. I didn’t exactly sound very convincing, but I wasn’t used to keeping secrets. Not from her.

  “Adam!”

  “You can’t spend the rest of your life hiding at home. You’re young now. You should be out having fun now. Meeting up with yours friends now.”

  “Nobody wants to be friends with a cripple, Adam.”

  “You’re right, so stop acting like one,” I blurted out.

  “What?” The shock on her face was almost comical. I instantly felt guilty, but the guilt wasn’t alone. It brought a friend and this one was a loud mouth who didn’t know when to cut his losses.

  “Your friends, your REAL friends, don’t care about your chair or your accident. So please, Eva, please stop sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.”

  “Wow! Is that how you really feel?”

  I wanted to say ‘yes’. I wanted to say ‘yes’ so bad, but I knew it wasn’t the right answer. I felt like I had done enough damage for today, so I said nothing.

  “You might be ready to give up on me, Adam, but I’m not giving up on myself. I will get better and everything will be like it was. No one needs to see me the way I am now.” She smiled a little and there was only a glint of sadness left in her eyes. “Remember freshman year when we went to the Spring Fling together?”

  “How could I ever forget,” I said, returning her smile, but trying harder than she had to shake the sadness. “Taking my twin sister to a school dance? Mom took a million photos. I’m still praying that she’s never hacked. If they get released to the public, I’ll never be able to show my face again. We looked like Hansel and Gretel. You even made us wear matching outfits!”

  Eva giggled at the memory.

  “Aw, you were so handsome.”

  “I’m glad you still find it funny.” And I was. Eva laughing made me feel at least a little less guilty for being such a fuck up of a brother.

  “That’s what I’m saying. We were a team then. These days it feels like we live in two different worlds. Ever since you-,” her voice shook, and she took a moment to recover. “I just want to get back what we lost.”

  I nodded in agreement. “Even if everything isn’t the same,” I said, “that’s okay too. I’m still here Eva. I always have been.”

  “I don’t want something okay, Adam!” Tears welled up in her eyes as she pounded her fist into the dashboard. “What we had was perfect. It was g
reat, and it all got ruined. You changed, everything changed!”

  I pulled over to the side of the road and pulled her into a hug. At first, she resisted, but it didn’t take her long to cave and let her tears fall. This was the side of Eva that even my parents rarely saw.

  The side that wasn’t always smiling and optimistic.

  The side that worried and got anxious about the things she couldn’t control.

  “You changed too. We all do. That’s just a part of growing up.”

  “Yeah, but I always thought we’d grow up, you know...together.”

  I laughed. She sounded so small and silly. As sophisticated as she pretended to be, there were parts of her that were refreshingly naive.

  “We are, but maybe my road and yours aren’t the same. Or maybe you’re just going to have to walk it a little differently than we expected. But no matter what, I’ll be here with you every step of the way. You know that, right?”

  She sighed and clutched the front of my shirt, turning her face into my chest and pelting me with a fresh set of tears. We sat like that for about ten minutes before she managed to pull herself together.

  When we got back on the road, Eva was her happy, smiling self again. She went right back to chatting about non-sense, pretending that everything was okay. Despite how at ease she sounded, I couldn’t ignore the alarm bells ringing in my head.

  Something was off and those pills were just the tip of the iceberg. I was sure of it. But I was also deathly afraid of what I might find if I looked too closely.

  I tried to keep my eyes on the road ahead of me. Right now, getting Eva home was all that mattered. Helping her deal with her new reality and assisting her as she adjusted to life as a person with a disability had to be my focus. She needed me now. And I was going to be there for her the way I should have been the night of the accident.

  Once we got home Eva made a quick escape to the bathroom to shower. As soon as she left the room mom and I exchanged a knowing look. The weight of all of the things we were not saying was killing me, so I dove in head first.