Dizzy

by Jolene Perry

  It all still sucks, but I want my friend back more than I want to be mad.

  We talk for hours. We talk about her and James and drinking. She tells me how horrible it was, how horrible she’s felt. She tells me that James called her to ask if he could tell me, and she agreed. After a week went by, she couldn’t bring herself to say anything, but it was keeping her up at night. She’s never once felt that way about James and can’t believe something like that even happened. She hasn’t had a single drink since.

  Some things she says make me more angry, and some things make me feel better. Another part of me knows we’ll get past this, and I have things I need to share, too. It’s still awkward, like we’re both tip-toeing around a real conversation even though we’re having this real conversation.

  “How’s Lora? Is she still here?” Alyssa asks.

  “Taking a semester off college to plan a wedding and get married.” I’m still half in disbelief that she’s putting off college for any amount of time—even though she’s majoring in art history. Seriously.

  Alyssa’s surprised expression is exactly what I expected. “I know, right? Lora taking time off school, but…”And I hate admitting this. “They’re really good together.”

  Alyssa smiles, and we’re not perfect. But I won’t have to avoid her in school anymore. It’s huge. And Dylan was right. It’s not back to what it was, but it is better. Now James… I’m just not ready to go there yet. And then I wonder why Dylan didn’t want me to talk to James, and part of me hopes he likes me enough to not want to see me with someone else. Wow.

  Derrick’s Mercedes screeches to a stop in front of the house, and Lora jumps out of the driver’s side.

  “Vista house got a cancellation!” She squeals. “Get ready, we’re heading out!”

  “What, now?” I just got home from school and just talked to Alyssa, and…

  “Yes!” She runs up the stairs. “Now!”

  Alyssa chuckles as Lora grabs my arm. Guess I’m heading up to Vista House.

  Fifteen

  ~ Dylan ~

  “Eight ball, corner pocket.” I point to the far hole.

  “Yeah, right.” Paul does the fake cough-speak thing in the corner, but I ignore him same as Derrick.

  This is a serious competition going on here. I never used to beat my brother in pool, just like I never used to get the best out of him when we fought. Times are changing because this time, he’s going down.

  We’ve always been competitive. It’s our thing, and I can tell Derrick knows he’s about to lose by the way he’s studying the table. His phone rings.

  “Ignore it,” I tell him. “Hit silence. You’re not distracting me from this shot.”

  Derrick takes a couple steps back from the table. “It’s Lora.”

  I fight a groan. “And we’re almost done, man. You can call her right back. No way am I letting you screw up this shot.”

  Derrick pushes the button on his phone, and I’m silently grateful. Eyeing the ball, I line up the shot and take it. The eight ball cleanly drops into the hole. Please don’t scratch, please don’t scratch.

  The white ball bounces off the side and lands in the middle of the table. “Hell, yes!”

  Paul walks over and gives me props. Derrick rolls his eyes, but he has a smile on his face. Yeah, that’s right. I’m the man now.

  “Good game, little brother.”

  I nod at him in reply just as his phone rings again.

  “Hey, baby,” he says. “Sorry. Dylan was kicking my ass at pool.”

  That makes me smile. My brother might have lost his mind, but he’s still pretty cool. I sit on the table while Derrick talks to his girl. It’s not long before he’s hanging up.

  “Lora and Ziah are on their way over. Lora’s stoked because there was a cancellation at Vista House. She wants us all to go up there.”

  Damn. Wedding stuff again.

  And Ziah. I’m still not sure why I’m thinking all these crazy thoughts about her.

  “Come with us, Paul. You’re in the wedding, but you’ve somehow escaped doing anything but the tuxes.” It probably makes me a chicken shit, but I’m actually hoping for a buffer. I can’t start losing my head if Paul’s there.

  “That cool?” he asks my brother.

  “Absolutely.”

  Beep. Beep. Sounds from outside.

  “Holy crap. That was no joke.”

  We grab our stuff and head upstairs. On the way, I grab my hoodie in case I need it. I have a long sleeve shirt on, but you never know with the weather here.

  Lora’s in the driver’s seat of my brother’s car, which is weird as hell, and Ziah’s heading to the back when we get outside. Paul nudges me, his eyes brows raised as he cocks his head toward her. “I still can’t believe it’s the chick from your party.”

  “Shut up,” I mumble. He also wouldn’t believe it if he knew I actually don’t hate being around her anymore. “Hanes, you have to sit in the middle. Last time I rode in the back with Paul, he kept trying to hold my hand.”

  “Whatever.” He shoves me, but he’s laughing, too.

  Ziah’s eyes catch mine, and she gives me a little smile. Seriously. Future sister-in-laws should not be this sexy.

  “You’re lucky I’m in a decent mood today, Dylan.” Ziah gets in the backseat, and I squeeze in next to her. Paul barely closes his door, and Lora totally peels out in the driveway like she’s a sixteen-year-old guy.

  “I can’t believe they got an opening.” She sounds like a Disney Princess, and I’m pretty sure she’s going to break into song at any second. “I’ve wanted to get married at Vista House since—”

  “You were ten years-old,” Ziah says. “You kept running up and down the staircase in the main window-filled room and singing that one day you’d be there in a wedding dress,”

  See? I knew she was the Disney song type.

  “Sigh…” she replies.

  I don’t get why girls do that. Why they say sigh. Why not just, I don’t know, sigh?

  Derrick gives her this sappy look that makes me want to wipe the drool from his mouth. Seriously. It’s bizarre. I don’t get love, and why it changes people so much.

  I lean back just about over this convo, but when I do, my knee bumps against Ziah’s. I’m about to move it, but she sucks in a little breath. That makes me keep it there. I mean, if she likes it, who am I to take it away?

  It takes a couple seconds, but I feel her relax. I’m pretty sure she’s going to move away, but I could swear her leg pushes a little closer to mine. Warmth rolls off her to me, and I’m seriously feeling… I don’t even know what, but whatever it is, I choose to ignore it.

  Lora and Derrick are going on and on about wedding stuff up front, and it makes me wonder how Ziah’s doing with the whole James and Alyssa thing.

  “You okay?” I ask quietly, hoping Paul doesn’t hear. I catch his eye over Ziah’s head and he sort of smiles at me before pulling out his iPod and sticking his earbuds in.

  “I finally talked to Alyssa, so yeah. I mean, it’s awkward but better.”

  “Told ya. Masta Dylan knows his shit.” I give her a cocky grin and then see the stupid strand of hair fall into her face. I don’t know what makes me do it, but I push it behind her ear.

  She does another of those little gaspy-breaths, and it makes me start feeling all sorts of things I shouldn’t for a whole list of reasons. She’s a boyfriend kind of girl. She just got out of a relationship. I don’t trust girls for anything other than a good time. Oh, and our siblings are getting married.

  Before I can do something else stupid, I let my eyes find the window. Derrick and Lora are still talking, Paul’s still listening to music, and I’m not letting myself say another word to Ziah right now. Still, I can’t find it in myself to move my leg.

  ***

  Lora and Derrick are on the main floor—a large, round room three stories high with marble floors and the staircase they were talking about in the car. It seriously looks like a castle, which
is another Disney thing she has going on.

  I wonder if Mom would have liked this place. For a second, I wonder why we never came here, and then I push those thoughts out of my head. I hate thinking about her, and I’m not in the mood to do it now.

  “I gotta take a piss. I’ll be right back,” Paul says and then walks way.

  “Wanna see the tunnels?” Ziah asks.

  Call me crazy, but I didn’t even know there were tunnels. “Sounds cool to me.”

  She leads me down the first flight of stairs and then another. The farther we go the more I’m thinking this might not have been a good idea. I definitely don’t need to be alone with her with the way I’ve been feeling. Especially in dark tunnels.

  A little bit of light filters in through the doorway we just came through, but there’s just enough to make out some of her features in the dark.

  “Isn’t it cool,” she whispers. Her voice is all husky and sexy, and she’s standing way close to me. Damn, I want to kiss this girl. And then I stumble a little bit because I can’t remember the last time I did kiss a girl. That has to be part of it, right?

  “You okay? You’re breathing heavy over there.” She clips my hip with hers. I’m pretty sure I groan. Why did she have to do that?

  “Eh, just losing my shit,” I say and then regret it.

  She grabs my hand and stops me. Or maybe I just stop because I like the way it feels. We’re only about a foot away from each other, and she’s looking up at me. I’m looking down at her.

  Step back, step the fuck back, Gibson. But I’ve never really been that good at listening to myself.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Wrong? When she’s standing this close to me, and the blood is flooding through me like white water rapids, nothing is wrong. “Nothing.”

  And then the girl seriously shoves a knife into my gut by licking her lips. I want to lick them too. She looks like she’s deep in thought. I can practically see the wheels turning in her brain and then she’s leaning toward me. Holy shit. Hanes is leaning in for a kiss, and there is absolutely nothing that can stop me from meeting her halfway.

  It doesn’t even start out slow. My tongue slips between her lips, and hers meets it. It takes us a second to get our groove, like we’re both too eager to taste each other.

  Her arms come up around my neck, and—shit, when did mine wrap around her waist? All I know is I’m pulling her closer and feeling her everywhere. She stumbles as I back her up against the wall.

  It’s probably the most urgent kiss of my life. She’s making these little sounds and pulling me closer, and I never would have expected that from her. One of her knees goes between my legs, and yeah, there’s a lot going on down there. I press my hips into her, and she actually pulls my hair.

  I let my lips trail down her neck, and my tongue traces her collarbone. She stiffens for a second but then totally melts against me.

  “Dylan,” she gasps, and it’s a good gasp. But it also makes me freeze. This is the girl I might have wanted to go on a date with.

  Dad pops into my head crying and yelling, and Derrick with red eyes is trying to get me to my bedroom. And Mom… where’s Mom?

  “Dylan?” This time, she’s questioning, wondering what I’m doing, and the fact that I almost start to kiss her again tells me I really need to pull away. I can’t do this. Not with her.

  “I think we should stop.” I ease away, but it’s like torture.

  “What?” More questions in her voice.

  The shitty part is I can’t tell this girl what I’m thinking. I haven’t talked to any girl about Mom, and I don’t plan to start now. But for the first time, I feel guilty about that—about hiding that part of me.

  Has Derrick told Lora?

  “I mean, it’s probably smart, right? You just broke up with the idiot, and we’re just starting to be friends or whatever. I think we should just be friends.”

  I’m still too close. Still breathing her in. Still remembering her body pinned between me and the wall. And that probably just sounded like the biggest line of all time.

  Ten years later, she finally replies. Her voice is low but steady, and I can’t stop wondering what she’s thinking.

  “Umm, yeah. You’re right. I mean, like we’d be good together.”

  I almost open my mouth to ask her why not, but I don’t. What’s wrong with me? “Well, I’m pretty sure that just showed us we’d be good, but we’re both smarter than this.”

  “Yeah. Right. Definitely.” Ziah straightens her shirt, and I’m hoping there’s some deflating going on before we get into the light.

  Silently we head back the way we came. It feels like I’m walking the plank or something. I know, I know. That’s sounds stupid, but it’s true. When we’re just about to the end I grab her hand real quick.

  “You’re okay?” She seems good, but her sister is marrying my brother. I don’t want to create any drama or anything.

  Ziah rolls her eyes. “No, Dylan. Your kissing is so incredible, I’m broken-hearted and ruined for all men in the future. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to go on without you.”

  She gives me her angry-girl smile, but something about it is a little different. Or maybe I’m just imagining things.

  “Ha. Ha.” See? We can do this. We can go back to normal.

  Three sets of stairs later, we’re back on the main floor.

  “There you guys are!” Lora calls. Derrick and Paul are with her. “I’ve booked it! We’re ready to go.”

  I look at Ziah again, but her eyes aren’t anywhere near me. “I have to go to the bathroom.” She’s already walking away as she says it. “I’ll meet you guys at the car.”

  As we head to the Mercedes, I notice Derrick hanging back. Fuck. Definitely not what I want to deal with right now.

  “What’s wrong with her? Don’t tell me you fucked with her, Dylan. I’ll kick your ass if you screw with her.” He has this angry face that I don’t even ever get from Dad.

  Nice. Love the faith my brother has in me. “What do you mean, what’s wrong with her? She has to pee. Jesus, Derrick. Get engaged, and you turn all paranoid.”

  He nods, and I’m pretty sure he believes me. As he jogs to catch up with Lora, Paul cocks his head and raises one of his eyebrows at me. Yeah, didn’t think I could get it past him.

  “Don’t ask man. Just do me a favor and ride in the middle, okay?”

  He opens his mouth, and I can tell he’s about to argue with me. “I said don’t ask.”

  Shaking his head he says, “Whatever you say, D.”

  When Ziah comes out, Paul throws an arm around her neck. “Hey, I’m Paul. Have I seen you here before?”

  Ziah doesn’t even look at me as she opens her mouth and laughs wrapping her arm around his waist. I watch them as they walk to the car, and for the first time in my life, I feel like really punching my best friend

  Sixteen

  ~ Ziah ~

  I know it’s petty, but Paul’s flirtation is the perfect cure for Dylan’s rejection. I laugh with him and play thumb war and grin like an idiot every time he makes a fake move—like yawning to put his arm over me. He even kissed me once on the cheek as a consolation prize when I lost three times in a row.

  Our legs are pressed together because he’s screwing around, but it’s not like having Dylan’s leg against mine. Not even close.

  Dylan’s silent, but I can’t really see him because Paul’s not a small guy, and the middle seat is up just a tad higher than the other two. Probably best.

  I make it all the way home before I internalize what happened between me and Dylan. I’m able to say goodbye to everyone, and I make it up the steps of the porch and through the living room to the stairs and through the door of my room when the whole thing comes crashing down.

  He probably kissed me because I was leaning up, and he didn’t want me to feel stupid. Or maybe he kissed me because he’s a guy and will kiss anyone. But then… I mean, wow. Never once in the year James and I were to
gether have I ever felt that way. Like I finally get those movie scenes where they’re tripping over everything on their way to get to the bed.

  Oh.

  But Dylan wants to be friends. So whatever I was feeling, he definitely wasn’t. How much of an idiot does that make me? I’m not sure if I can handle continuing to be shoved aside like this. It hurts. It hurts like it shouldn’t hurt, because I knew from the first moment I saw him that he was not the kind of guy I should get involved with.

  Maybe I should be glad we’re just friends. Only I’m not even sure if he wants that, because I can’t imagine facing him again with that kiss between us. Everything just sucks.

  ***

  “Ziah, please. This is ridiculous!” James is following me to my car.

  My keys won’t hold still for me to unlock the door.

  “Ziah.” His hand touches my shoulder, and I shrug him away.

  I jerk open the driver’s side door, throw in my backpack, but my resolve to drive away from him starts to fade. I turn to face him.

  “I’m going crazy without you. Please, can’t we just talk?” He’s on the verge of tears.

  I wonder how we got to the point where he’s still crying over us, and I’m still just mad.

  “Fine.” Maybe it’s time to get this over with. I glance around at the students flooding into the parking lot. “Climb in.”

  I sit in the driver’s seat and contemplate driving away, but I don’t. Instead, I clutch the keys in my hand more tightly. I watch him walk around the front of the car. He’s so familiar. Familiar like family, comfortable like an old friend, and an asshole just like every other guy who thinks it’s okay to cheat on their girlfriend. What on Earth am I going to say to him?

  He sits in the passenger’s seat still smelling like formaldehyde from his last class. He has a free period and uses it to help Mr. Lester teach freshman biology instead of going home early. It’s just the sort of nice thing James does that makes it hard to stay mad at him. But I still want to be mad at him, and that makes it easier.

  Wow. Awkward silence.

  “You’re not acting like yourself, Ziah.” He angles his body to see me.