Dizzy

by Jolene Perry

  “Haven’t you realized I like it when you mess with me?” I take his hands and rest them low on my waist.

  He chuckles. “God, Ziah. Could you make yourself harder to resist?”

  “That wouldn’t really work in my favor.” My cheeks heat up. “I can’t believe I just said that.”

  “Well, you,” he kisses my cheek, “make me say stuff all the time I never thought I’d say.”

  “Let’s hope we keep that up.” I’m soaked, and I’m freezing. But I don’t care. Nothing could pull me from this spot.

  “Yeah.” His lips brush mine once more, and then once more again.

  I step back just far enough that we’re not touching, and I’m sort of in shock and amazed. I smile hugely and look up at the sky again just for a moment.

  “There you guys are!” Lora yells from the end of the alleyway. “I have your coat, Ziah. Come on! We’re freezing! Everyone’s waiting!”

  My heart pounds from nearly being caught and I’m not ready to let him go, but our night is over.

  Dylan and I don’t have to say anything to each other. We know this is just for us right now—he probably won’t be talking to Derrick, and I won’t be talking to Lora. We walk close, arms touching, but not holding hands.

  Lora’s waiting at Mom’s car with Karisssa, Alyssa, and Mardie, and we’ll be separated. Way too soon.

  Not caring what anyone has to say or think, I give Dylan a hug, the rain still soaking us through.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he whispers. I squeeze him tighter before letting him go.

  He steps back, drops my hands and starts to run through the silvery droplets toward his brother’s car.

  As much as I should keep my heart in my chest, part of it runs away with him. And maybe that means part of his might be here with me.

  Twenty-One

  ~ Dylan ~

  “You just want me close to you.”

  I flop into the oversized chair in Ziah’s living room and rest my feet on the ottoman. I called her today—okay, first thing this morning—and as soon we knew our siblings would be out doing whatever it is they do all the time, I came over.

  “It’s big enough for two, and it’s the only piece of furniture that directly faces the TV.”

  I let her get by with her excuses when she smiles. Every time I look at her, I see her last night. How she looked up at the sky, water shimmering down her body as she soaked it in. There was none of that typical girl stuff, worry about ruining make-up, hair issues, or whatever. She just took it…wanted it…and somehow, that one moment—the way her hair molded against her face, the same strand that’s driven me crazy for months now—destroyed all my resistance.

  And she smiled.

  Then all sorts of other thoughts started pounding down on me. How she gives me crap, the look of murder in her eyes when I spilled my drink on her that first night, and how she now looks at me in a way I never knew I wanted a girl to look at me.

  It was like I woke up, and it wasn’t dark anymore. I realized it before, but not until that moment did I comprehend how much I like this girl. That I actually want to give her those things she wants. That she’s worth it. Worth the risk of being left behind. And maybe, just maybe that would never happen. She might not be like Mom.

  Of course, what came out was “I’m trying,” but it got us here. So that’s okay.

  She puts the movie on, and now she’s moving stuff around, putting stuff away that can wait. Sitting in this chair together was her idea, and now she’s nervous.

  “Sit down, Hanes. If you freak out, I’ll freak out. Let’s just watch the movie.”

  She falls in beside me. My arm is around the back of the chair, and she’s pressed up against me but still sort of stiff. It’s crazy how she can just go for things sometimes but is nervous others.

  “I can’t believe you burned the popcorn.” Hopefully my teasing will loosen her up.

  “I told you I can’t cook.”

  “That’s not cooking.”

  She just shrugs and laughs a little, and I love that I can be close to her like this and still tease her.

  The movie starts, so I pull her close and finally, finally she loosens and molds herself against me.

  We’re about through the movie, and I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I’m sitting here watching a movie with her. That I’m okay just chillin’ with her instead of pulling her to my lap and kissing her. I mean, I definitely want to do that, but this is okay, too.

  Suddenly, I need to tell her, want to make sure she knows I’m not playing games with her. “There’s no one I could watch old movies with like this. No one even knows I watch them. Just you…”

  “I like being with you, too.” She somehow gets what I tried to say.

  And then I’m looking down at her, and she’s looking up at me. “We’re close.” I say, which is ridiculous. Of course we’re close.

  My hand moves to her cheek and then my lips press against hers. I kiss her gently, as though she’s breakable, when she’s anything but.

  Then I grab her waist and pull us even closer than we were before. This kiss feels different than our others. She’s definitely a voodoo girl. Maybe not angry, but she’s cast a spell on me that makes me crazy and makes me want her more and more.

  Our legs tangle together on the ottoman. She goes to my head, making me foggy and in need of something I never knew I missed. Something I can’t even define. I can’t get enough of her.

  I deepen our kiss. My body is pulled toward hers like a magnet. I can’t deny the tugging I feel inside me. Sliding my hand behind her neck, I touch her hair, let the strands wrap around my fingers as we kiss.

  God, I want her. But I like her, too. That sort of clears my head because part of me is begging for more, but I know she was with James for almost a year. I don’t think she went very far with him, and here I am grinding against her on her mom’s floral chair.

  As much as it physically feels like my body will explode, I make myself pull away.

  “This is a good part.”

  And so she knows I’m not pulling away, I really do pull her onto my lap and hold her. When we’re sitting like this, it makes me realize being with someone isn’t hard when you’re with the right girl. Maybe this is what moving forward feels like.

  ***

  I’m sitting in class all antsy. I totally don’t feel like being here. The sun is out and calling my name. I know I’m supposed to see Ziah a ton this week because of the wedding, but all of a sudden, that’s not soon enough. I know better than to ask her to skip, so the best I can think of is getting out of this place myself before I go crazy. Yeah, I like her, but this whole jonesing for a girl thing is weird. I feel like Derrick.

  As soon as the bell rings, I know the rest of the school day is going to have to find a way to get along without me. Instead of hitting my locker, I go straight for the Hummer. A few minutes later, I’m towering over all the other cars on the road and then turning down my street.

  I pull up next to a strange car in the driveway, and wonder who the hell’s at our house in the middle of the day.

  My first thought is Dad decided to buy something new, but a BMW really isn’t Dad’s thing. Plus, it wouldn’t be a reason for him to be home when he should be at work.

  Then it hits me. Holy crap! Did Dad bring a woman home? I mean, we talked about it and I want him to go for it, but the thought is a little freaky. Still, there’s a part of me that’s thinking, “Go, Dad,” too. He works fast.

  Figuring it won’t be too hard to sneak in and make it to the game room without being noticed, I slip into the house. Voices float out of the kitchen: Dad’s and a woman’s. I don’t know what it is, but something about the voice makes my chest pinch. It’s a little nagging feeling that slowly, with each step I take toward the kitchen, multiplies, spreading further and further out from the epicenter.

  My feet feel like weights. My heart is pounding. What’s wrong with me?

  I stand planted on t
he kitchen floor and everything, every fucking thing in my life shifts. I’m cracking like a windshield hit with a rock. I hate myself for being so weak, gasping for breath like I did when Derrick locked himself in the room and Dad wouldn’t stop crying. Rage jolts through me, battling for dominance over the pain.

  “Dylan…” Dad’s eyes catch mine, and I can see. He knows he screwed up. That I’m going to explode at any second. “Son…”

  And then she turns. The person who made Paul, Derrick, and me cookies. The one who made me feel like the luckiest kid in the world, who brought me to the park for hours and held me when I was scared. The stuff I tried to forget, too.

  The person who cried a lot, who fell asleep watching old movies in the living room rather than upstairs with Dad. Who had hushed phone calls and fights with strange guys in the park. All of the things I’m only remembering now hit me.

  The person who broke Dad. Who made Derrick grow up too fast. Who left me. Who I loved. How did I block those things out?

  Her hand covers her mouth, and it’s shaking. What the fuck does she have to be nervous about? Scared about? I actually see tears fall from her eyes. What gives her the right to stand here and cry in our kitchen?

  My mouth is glued shut. All these thoughts are scratching and clawing to be free, but I can’t let them. I can’t get them out. My mother is standing in front of me, and I’m fucking breaking into pieces.

  Dad steps toward me, and somehow I find a way to pull my eyes away from her. How could he do this to me? How could he betray me like this?

  “Dylan, we were going to tell you. Then…it wasn’t even a guarantee she would be found. Why upset you for no reason?”

  Ding. Ding. Ding. We have a winner. Rage manages to briefly knock out the pain, and I find my voice. “You should have fucking told me! What is she doing here?”

  It’s the first time in my life I’ve yelled at my dad. That’s just not how things work with us. My throat already hurts. I’m not sure if it’s from the yelling or the knot that’s clogged there.

  Dad shakes his head. Briefly, I let my eyes scan her again. The eyelashes. I got my eyelashes from her. Suddenly I hate the blue eyes girls have gone on about for years because seeing hers is like looking in a mirror. It’s not as if I haven’t seen pictures, like I don’t remember her, but seeing her again makes it more real.

  “I know. I was—I put it off. Let me explain. I didn’t know she was coming—”

  I hold up my hand. “You know what? I changed my mind. I don’t give a shit what this is. I don’t want to know about it. You guys keep playing house or whatever it is you’re doing without me.”

  I turn, somehow prying my feet off the floor. She’s here… she’s back. How is she going to break the Gibson Boys this time?

  “Dylan, wait.” Dad is coming after me when I hear it. Hear her.

  “Please, just wait. I don’t deserve it, but let me talk to you, Dylan.”

  I freeze at her voice. It feels like pinpricks all over my body. It hurts, but there’s a part of me that wants to hear her say my name again. To taste her chocolate chip cookies. And that makes me even madder at her and myself.

  Turning, I say, “No. No, you don’t deserve it, and I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.” Dad touches my shoulder, and I shake his hand off. “Fuck this. I’m out of here.”

  They don’t come after me as I tear through the house and jump in the Hummer. It takes everything in me not to take out her stupid BMW. To drive over the car the way she drove over us. Instead I peel out of the driveway, and I’m gone.

  ***

  My hands are shaking as I pull up in front of Dad’s office. It’s the only place I could think to go. I feel like the smallest wind would blow me over. Like the rain that just started could easily wash me away.

  My hands come down over and over on the steering wheel and I scream. I can’t stop it even when it stings the palms of my hands. I hate her. I hate what she did, but more than that I hate being this weak. How could I let her do this to me again?

  Fumbling, I pick up my cell and dial. He answers on the second ring.

  “Dylan. Where are you? Are you okay, D?”

  My face is wet. I can’t believe it. When did I start crying? Somehow, it feels a little better just knowing I have my brother on the phone. “Derrick… she’s here. She came back, and Dad let her in the house.”

  “Calm down. Slow your breathing, Dyl. It’s okay.”

  “How is this okay? Did you not hear what I said? Mom is back!” My whole world ignites when I realize it. Flames lick my skin, threatening to overcome me. “You knew.”

  “I love you, little brother.”

  “You love me? You knew! You fucking knew, and you didn’t tell me!”

  It’s just like that day all over again. Dad knew, Derrick knew, and they abandoned me, left me on the outside while they were on the inside. It hurts worse than her leaving, than her coming back. We’re supposed to be a team, and they locked me out again. Kept this from me. What else don’t I know?

  “So much for the Gibson Boys, huh? That should really just be you and Dad, shouldn’t it? Two Musketeers? You promised, Derrick. You said you’d always be there for me, you’d take care of me. You left me for Lora, and now you kept this from me, too!”

  Something sharp pierces through the middle of me. I’m cracking, so close to breaking.

  “I never left you, Dylan. Where are you? I’ll come get you. We’ll talk. With the wedding and all… I just wanted to talk to her. I didn’t expect—shit, let me pick you up, and I’ll tell you everything.”

  I want to tell him… but I can’t.

  “Nah, I wouldn’t want to drag you away from planning your wedding. You have more important things to deal with.”

  I hit end. The palms of my hands are red from where I beat them against the steering wheel. My eyes sting. Rain starts pelting my windshield as hard as when I was outside the restaurant with Ziah. Ziah… I still have someone left. Someone who hasn’t pushed me aside. Who wants me and doesn’t keep things from me. When the voicemail picks up, I end the call and dial her again. Pull it together, Dylan. Don’t freak out. Come on, Ziah. Pick up the phone.

  “Hello?”

  I clear my throat, trying not to sound like I’m having a nervous breakdown. “Hey… I… Can I come over?”

  “What’s up? I’m kind of in the middle of something right now.”

  She’s in the middle of something? Doesn’t she know I need her right now? “Can’t you break away?”

  “Is everything okay?”

  Then I hear a different voice. A male voice with her. “Hurry up, slow poke.”

  My heart is going crazy now. I feel all jittery. “Who is that?”

  She stalls for a minute, and I know. I know who she’s pushing me aside for.

  “It’s James. We were just—”

  I hang up.

  Wrong. I was so wrong. She left me, too. Just when I started to trust her. When I needed her. I throw my phone in the passenger seat. I’m not cracking anymore, I’m shattering. She’s just like the rest of them. When push comes to shove, she bails on me, too.

  Slamming the Hummer into drive, I jerk into traffic, needing to be anywhere but here.

  Twenty-Two

  ~ Ziah ~

  I hit send and it cuts straight to Dylan’s voicemail. My legs collapse beneath me, and I’m suddenly sitting on the sofa.

  “Ziah!” James yells. “I need help in here!”

  “Quiet for a sec!” I rest my head in my hands. I hit send again. Voicemail. My heart drops.

  Why do I feel like something just went really, really wrong? Dylan’s voice sounded so… hollow. What happened? It’s not like him to call and be so desperate to come over. At all. And if he was “trying” like he said he would, he’d have made a joke about his awesome boyfriend powers or something, not sounded so weird.

  And why, why did he have to call when we were studying? Why did he hang up and not let me explain? Somethin
g happened. Dylan likes a good banter, the fun back and forth. But maybe now that we both want more, things have changed.

  My hands go to my stomach. “Oh, God,” I whisper. “I never even told him James and I were talking again.”

  “Told who what?” James asks as he steps into the living room. The rest of our study group isn’t here, and now I wonder if he even invited them.

  “Dylan.” I let my eyes find James’s. “I didn’t tell him we were speaking.”

  “Who’s Dylan?” he asks, folding his arms.

  “He’s…” How do I describe Dylan? “I really don’t want to talk about this with you, and I think I just completely let him down.” My phone is still clutched in my hand.

  “So is that why we can’t be together anymore?” James’s voice is filled with irritation.

  I don’t have time for this. “James? Get over yourself. We were friends who turned into something more because we have so much in common. But we’re done. We were done before Dylan and I started, and we wouldn’t have lasted anyway, not after Alyssa.”

  “Didn’t take you long to find a replacement.” He sounds all sulky.

  “You didn’t even wait ‘til we were split to find a replacement!” I shriek. “I think I might have somehow just really screwed up something I care about! It’s not about you!” Wow. I’m completely freaked out.

  He stands way too still for a moment. “We’re really, totally over.”

  “Yes.”

  My insides feel all antsy. Something’s wrong, and it’s part me and part something that happened before Dylan called me. I run my hands over my head, my phone still clutched in one of them.

  “What do I do?” The words just come out.

  “Go find him.” James’ arms drop to his sides.

  I throw my arms briefly around James and run out the door, leaving him alone in my house.

  ***

  I pull into Dylan’s driveway as a BMW pulls out. My eyes catch the woman’s face. Dylan’s blue eyes look back at me. His aunt or something? I’m not sure. Lora said some of their family was coming to town.

  His driveway is practically a parking lot in front of his house, and coming here in Mom’s beat-up Subaru makes me feel like sort of an outsider in the life of Dylan. His dad jogs down the front steps.