Alpha Mail

by Brenda Rothert

  “But I’m helping!”

  “Well . . .” She looks from Ryan to me. “Maybe Ryan wouldn’t mind taking a break until we get back?”

  Ryan stands. “Sure, I can do that.”

  Jack looks up at him. “You promise not to work on it until I get back?”

  “Promise.”

  Carmen grabs her purse and keys, husting Jack out of the house. And now that we have privacy, Ryan and I just stare at each other across the room in silence.

  “Tell me what’s really on your mind, Sienna,” Ryan says.

  I furrow my brow and run a hand through my hair. “Everything’s different now. You’ve never called me Sienna.”

  “You want me to keep calling you Pup?” He gives me an amused grin.

  “I don’t know.” I sigh heavily and sit down on a kitchen chair.

  “Hey,” he says softly. “It’s gonna take some time for things to be like they used to be between us. But we’ll get there.”

  His eyes are a dark caramel shade. Why have I never noticed that before? They’re warm and intense at the same time.

  “I wish . . .” I bury my face in my hands. “I’m just not there in my life right now. I’m so focused on my business, and I don’t even know what I want in a man. I just realized a few minutes ago that I’ve never really thought about what I want, because I’ve been so busy not wanting anyone.”

  “And that’s okay. You don’t have to have all the answers right now. You’re young, and your business is booming. Just take it easy on that part of your life.”

  “Who are you?” My voice is louder than intended. “One minute, you’re in love with me, and the next, you’re offering me indifferent, brotherly advice.”

  “I am in love with you, but I know it’s one-sided. Look . . .” He rests his hands on his hips and looks from the floor to the ceiling before leveling his gaze at me. “It’s my fault you’re confused about all this. I’m not waiting or anything, so don’t think that. I don’t want you to offer me a mercy date. I’d turn you down if you did. My feelings for you would always be stronger than yours for me. I think it’s better for me never to have you at all than to have you in a halfhearted way.”

  I open my mouth to speak, close it, then try again. “So you’re saying you love me, but you don’t want me?”

  “Pretty much. I won’t be with a woman who isn’t all in, and you’d never be all in with me. I think seeing your disappointment that day in your office when you realized it was me, and hearing you say you don’t share my feelings was actually . . . good for me. I can move on now.”

  “You can move on.” Dazed, I shake my head and stand up.

  “We both can. I know this whole thing threw you for a loop, and I’ve apologized for it. I don’t know what else to do.”

  I’m hurt. Irrationally, deeply, foolishly hurt. I don’t want him to see the tears in my eyes, so I just turn and leave the room, not stopping until I’m upstairs curled up on my bed.

  I cry. Because I’m confused, because I hurt Ryan, because he unknowingly hurt me back. I even cry for the loss of RoughRider, even though he’s not really gone. What I really want right now is to message him and have an IM date. It’s ironic that he’s right downstairs and I’ve never felt so far away from him.

  An IM date isn’t happening, though. It’ll never happen again. What the hell . . . I cry over that too.

  When Carmen walks into the room later, I only recognize her outline by the glow of the hallway light.

  “Hey.” I sit up, my mouth dry and my eyes sore from crying.

  “Hey.” She sits down on the end of my bed.

  “I must have fallen asleep. What time is it?” I sit up and switch on the lamp beside my bed.

  “Nine-thirty.”

  “Oh, wow. Is Ryan still here?”

  “He left around nine. And he let Jack keep his tape measure.” She smiles.

  I close my eyes, our earlier conversation coming back in a flood.

  “Want to talk about it?” Carmen asks.

  “I just don’t know how to be with him anymore. I don’t know how to even think about him. It was one thing when I didn’t have to see him or talk to him, but—”

  She cuts me off. “Do you really not see how amazing he is?”

  “No . . . I mean, yes. I know he’s great.”

  “He’s more than great. And he’s in love with you. So give him a chance, Sienna.”

  I sigh heavily. “That’s just not how I see him.”

  “Open your eyes, then. Stop being so stubborn.”

  “You don’t even know Ryan. You saw him with Jack tonight, and now you think I should date him?”

  She narrows her eyes slightly. “When you told me he was your secret admirer, I didn’t even remember seeing him at your parents’ house several years ago. I trusted you to judge whether he’s right for you or not.”

  “And what? You don’t now?” I give her an incredulous look.

  “No. Not after seeing the two of you together.”

  “So since we make a cute couple, I should be with him?”

  “No, dumbass. Because I’ve never seen you like that over any man.”

  “Like what? Confused?”

  “Emotionally invested.”

  I roll my eyes. “Carmen. Of course, I’m emotionally invested. I’ve known Ryan most of my life. This whole situation is . . . sticky. Not just because of me and him, but also my brother.”

  “Yeah, not buying it.”

  “Not buying what?”

  She holds up a hand. “Not so loud, you’ll wake up Jack.”

  “Sorry.”

  “So tell me what happened after Jack and I escaped the kitchen full of pent-up feelings.”

  I glare at her. “Nothing much. I told him I’m confused and I don’t know what I want, and he . . . pretty much told me not to want him.”

  “What?” Carmen gives me a skeptical look.

  “He said he’d turn me down if I wanted to go out with him.” I rub a loose thread from my comforter between my thumb and forefinger, looking at it to avoid Carmen’s perceptive gaze. “Because he knows I’d never be all in, and he wouldn’t want me if it was halfhearted.”

  “Well, I can understand that, actually.”

  “He’s over it.” I shrug. “So that’s that.”

  “Are you over it?”

  “Pretty much.”

  Carmen scoffs. “You lying sack of shit. Why do you even bother trying to lie to me? I know you too well for that.”

  “I’m not lying. Getting completely over it will take time.” I look up at her.

  “Right. That’s why your eyes are swollen and red. Because you’re so getting over it.”

  I feel a flare of aggravation. “Like I said, it takes time.”

  “No, Sienna. With time, your feelings will get easier to ignore. You’ll bury yourself in work and Jack, and eventually, you’ll be in your thirties. Then you’ll keep ignoring your feelings and tell yourself you’re just a modern, independent woman until one day, he marries someone else. And then you’ll come crying to me about how stupid you were, but it’ll be too late.”

  I just look at her, taken aback not just by what she said, but the anger I hear in her tone.

  “I love you, but sometimes you just don’t get it.” She continues. “Some people live their whole lives without someone looking at them like he looks at you. The way you came storming into the kitchen, and the way he took it all in stride, not blinking an eye when he said he loves you in front of two people he doesn’t even know . . . He’s sweet and honest and strong—and ridiculously hot.”

  I’m about to respond when Carmen silences me with her pointed finger. “Do not make some stupid crack about how I should date him if I think he’s so great. I’m serious.”

  It’s kind of scary how well she knows me. My shoulders sink as I say, “I know.”

  “I don’t care what he said after we left, he is in love with you. Crazy, stupid love. You better think long and hard abo
ut whether you want to let go of that so easily.”

  “I do feel something,” I admit, my voice barely above a whisper as I stare at the loose thread on the comforter again. “But I don’t know if it’s enough. I don’t know if I have it in me to feel that crazy, stupid love for any man. I’ve been dumped on and disappointed so many times.”

  “I know.” Carmen’s tone is sympathetic now. “But not by him.”

  “He wants me to love him back with everything he feels for me, and . . . that would take time for me. Ryan wants all or nothing.”

  She sighs softly. “That’s a lot to ask, you’re right. But think about it. That’s all I’m saying.”

  When she approaches to hug me, I close my eyes and take comfort in her embrace. Carmen is my rock in so many ways, and I’m hers. I’ve never even considered letting a man audition for that role.

  Maybe I need to.

  #anewhope

  Ryan

  I RARELY DRINK, which is probably why the beer I just finished has me feeling extra mellow. When I set my empty bottle down on the bar, the bartender approaches with a smile.

  “Another one, sweetie?”

  I put up a hand and shake my head. “No, I’m good, thanks.”

  “That one’s on the house.” She winks and turns to walk to the other end of the bar, adding an extra sway to her step.

  If a random hookup would help, I’d take her home with me tonight. But I discovered a long time ago that sex with other women leaves me feeling hollow. I compare them to Sienna and end up feeling guilty as fuck for using them just to get her off my mind.

  I’ve got bigger things to think about anyway. Coop’s due here any minute so I can tell him about the RoughRider debacle. I owe him that. Owed it to him sooner than this, actually, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell him until now.

  He walks into the bar right on time, not smiling as I’m used to, but sliding onto the stool and arching his brows.

  “Beer? You never drink.”

  I shrug. “Sometimes I have a beer. I needed to mellow out before you got here.”

  He rests his elbows on the bar and looks down at the scratched wood surface. “I’ve waited weeks for you to finally get the balls to tell me what’s up with you and Sienna, so don’t drag it out. Fucking spit it out, man.”

  I wish I had asked for another beer as I exhale heavily and nod. There’s no getting around it—I have to come clean.

  So I do. I start with that day ten years ago when Sienna walked downstairs in that green prom dress, and I saw her—truly saw her—for the first time. I tell him about the jealousy that burns inside me every time he talks about her dating someone. And finally, I share the details of becoming RoughRider, but I leave out the specifics of our conversations. Those aren’t between anyone but Sienna and me.

  Coop only looks at me a few times as I spill my guts, his jaw set in a tense line. When the bartender comes by for his order, he asks for a beer and a shot. I know him well enough to be sure that means he’s pissed.

  “But none of it really matters anyway, because she doesn’t feel the same way.” My shoulders sink as I finally reach the end of my confession.

  “You’re sure?”

  I narrow my eyes at him, feeling a rare rise of anger. “Yeah, I’m sure. She told me.”

  He shakes his head as he takes it all in for a few seconds.

  “This whole time? Ten years?”

  “Yeah.”

  “But . . .” He furrows his brow. “What about that one chick? Alisa? You were really into her.”

  I shrug. “Into her, yeah. But not in love with her. I knew Sienna didn’t see me the same way I see her and I didn’t want to give up sex forever, so I dated other women.”

  Coop’s shot arrives, and he downs it. “But you haven’t dated anyone for a while now. You’re like a priest or something.”

  “It didn’t feel right, using other women because I couldn’t have her.”

  He gives me an incredulous look. “I’m just . . . I don’t know, man. My instinct was to say you only want her because you know you can’t have her, but . . . I don’t know.”

  My single note of laughter is unamused. “It’s fucking miserable, Coop. For real. I wish I didn’t feel this way about your little sister, but I do. I just wait for the day she marries some other guy, and I can finally . . . maybe . . . let go.”

  “You guys aren’t talking anymore, then?”

  “I went over there a few nights ago to install deadbolts on her doors. I can’t sleep at night because I’m so worried about that psycho bitch coming to her house.”

  “She’s still in jail. I’ve got a buddy at CPD who will call me the minute she makes bail . . . if she ever does.”

  I nod, slightly relieved. “That’s good.”

  “Was it awkward between you guys when you were over there?”

  “Yeah. She was . . . I don’t know, I guess, emotional?”

  Coop laughs, his eyes bright. “Noooo. Sienna? Never.”

  “I know it, but damned if I don’t like her fire. I really do.”

  “What’d you guys say to each other?”

  “I told her I’m moving on and that I don’t want a mercy date with her.”

  Coop furrows his brow again. “She offered that?”

  “No, but she’s . . . confused. I felt like I needed to end the suffering for both of us, so I told her I’d only want her if she was all in. I don’t think Sienna’s capable of being all in with any man.”

  “Not right now, no. She’s been shit on, man. Had guys tell her they wanted a relationship and then ditch out after she slept with them.”

  A hot tingle of jealousy creeps down my spine. “I don’t want to hear about any guys she slept with.”

  “It’s been a while. She pretty much gave up and threw herself into Alpha Mail. It’s kinda ironic that her successful business is based on failed relationships. That’s a big part of who she is and what she believes.”

  “She chooses assholes.” I scrub a hand down my face, feeling caged up on this barstool.

  Coop turns to me. “She knows that. Why do you think she stopped dating altogether? It’s not just that she doesn’t trust men—she doesn’t trust herself either.”

  “That’s a damn shame. She’s one of the smartest people I know.”

  “You want my advice?”

  I laugh and rest my elbows on the bar. “I figured your advice would be to take a long walk off a short pier.”

  “I’m not as much of an asshole as you think.” Coop gives me a pointed look. “If you ever used or hurt my sister, I’d kick your ass, and our friendship would be over. Don’t fucking tell me I couldn’t do it or talk shit about your muscles and your fitness. If I was pissed enough, I’d definitely be able to beat your ass.”

  “I’ll concede that. But trust me, I’m hurting more on the inside right now than you could ever make me hurt on the outside.”

  He wrinkles his face with disgust. “Christ. This thing you have for my sister turned you into a pussy.”

  I shoot him a glare. “Fuck you. It hurts like a bitch, okay? It’s not a passing thing. I’ve been in love with her for a decade.”

  “I get it. Now back to my advice . . . Is this the one woman you want more than anyone else in the world?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’d walk through fire for her?”

  “I would.”

  “Then why is it asking too much to be patient with her? You told her all or nothing? If you love her, you’ll wait. Loving her means taking her as she is, commitment-phobic, overly emotional, and overwhelmed that you kept this from her for ten years.”

  I stare down at my empty beer bottle, processing his words. “I said it to let her off the hook.”

  “Why do you assume she wants off the hook?”

  “Because that day in her office, she said she doesn’t feel that way about me.”

  Coop scoffs. “You were expecting her to say she loves you back, ten seconds after she
found out you went behind her back like that?”

  “I don’t know.” I rub my forehead, the beer swirling around in my stomach now. “I’ve never considered that she could ever feel the same way I do. I’m not like the assfucks she dates. They’re all pretentious suits with small dicks and big mouths.”

  “Yeah, and none of ’em are with her, are they?”

  I turn my face to look at him. “You think I have a shot with her?”

  “I don’t know. But I know you, and I know her, and if you really love her, you won’t puss out and lie to her. Be a man.”

  He stands up and reaches for his wallet. “I have to go. I’m helping a guy from work pour some concrete.”

  “I’ve got it.” I take out my own wallet and set a few bills on the bar.

  I stand up to walk out with him, his words still ringing in my ears. This isn’t what I was expecting. I thought Coop would rip me a new one and tell me to stay the fuck away from Sienna.

  It’s in my nature to think things through, and I need time to consider what he said. Am I being unfair to Sienna? Just the thought gives me heartburn.

  What would I do if she had a shred of romantic interest in me? Not that she does, but if she did . . . What if she had a gallon of love for me, when I have an ocean for her?

  I’d work my ass off to grow that shred. I’d do everything I said to her in those emails—show her with my actions that I love her with everything I am. A shred isn’t much compared to my feelings for her, but it’s something.

  If I at least had that, it could be a start.

  #sugarmama

  Sienna

  EVERYONE’S ATTENTION IS focused on the blinking cursor on the large projector screen in front of the room.

  “What’s a good response here?” I ask the team of three dozen men. “Just throw something out there. There are no wrong answers.”

  “Just . . . thinking about you?” a guy in the front row volunteers.

  “Good thought, but you don’t want to lay it on so thick.” I look back up at the question on the screen he’s trying to answer, “Hey, what are you doing?”’

  Gretchen and I are in New York running an exercise to train the New York team. It’s been a whirlwind week since the launch of this branch was announced. Client sign-ups exceeded all expectations, and my hiring team is working overtime to bring quality alphas on board.