Identity Crisis

by Sarah Ettritch

  As she escorted the Chosen Council Heads to the conference room an hour later, fatigue wasn’t responsible for her heavy heart and stiff gait. She wasn’t nervous, just...perhaps this was how one felt as they were escorted to an execution site. There was no escape, no way to bow out until one felt up to it.

  Only Jensen was missing when Lesley strode into the room, nodded to everyone, and sat next to Laura. Nobody questioned her presence. Hall had told her she wouldn’t be required at the follow-up meeting after they’d dropped off the Chosen Council Heads the previous evening, and everyone else had since been briefed about her potential role in saving the Danlion child. Jensen would introduce the plan, Laura and Fisher would support her, and Lesley would do her best to appear as if the Thompson triad would be delighted to raise the Danlion child, provided nobody objected, and Stevens and Ellis didn’t inform them that the child had more of a chance of spontaneously morphing into an elephant than she did of following the Way.

  Jensen marched into the room and quickly seized control of the meeting. “Good to see everyone,” she said, settling into her chair. “Since our meeting yesterday, several of us have drawn up an action plan to save the Danlion child’s life.” She launched into a description of the plan; Laura threw in the odd word. Lesley managed to maintain a neutral expression until Jensen revealed that the Thompson triad, whose present circumstances made them the ideal choice to take the baby, were amenable to the idea.

  “I don’t care. It’s not happening,” Stevens thundered, as Lesley self-consciously scratched her nose.

  Jensen’s brows drew together. “You won’t consider saving this child’s life?”

  “Stop framing me as a murderer because I don’t want a Danlion mixing with Rymellans,” Stevens snapped. “You asked us to perform a quick analysis of the child. We’ve done so.” He tapped the sheet of paper in front of him. “The results are poor.”

  Lesley’s heart sank. While everyone digested his news, Ellis briefly met each person’s eyes, then gazed at Jensen. “We would never consider Joining Rymellans together who’d produce offspring with these disappointing numbers. And you want to bring this child to the planet?”

  “How accurate are the results?” Hall asked.

  “As accurate as they can be, given that we know next to nothing about the parents, especially the mother. We have autopsy results and the genetic material from both parents, but that’s simply not enough to give us the complete picture. We told you we’d do our best, given the time frame and what we have to work with. Based on these results, I don’t see any option except to send the Danlion back to her people.”

  A chair rolled back. Laura stood. Lesley glanced up at her determined face.

  “If you would allow me, Chosen Council Heads, to speak my mind, I’d like to remind everyone of our history. Most of those who fought for and established the Way would have failed your test. You know as well as I do that we’ve raised the bar over time. We’ve refined the acceptable criteria over many, many generations. The Way itself evolves, albeit more slowly now. But my point is that those who fought for the Law and Chosen Tradition, which only existed on paper at the time, were not sanctioned by the Chosen Council, because it didn’t exist.” She held up her hand. “I’m obviously not suggesting that the Chosen Council isn’t necessary. It’s one of the pillars of the Way, established precisely because our way of life before it was unacceptable. Without the Chosen Tradition and the Law, what would have become of us? Perhaps we wouldn’t exist. Perhaps we’d have destroyed ourselves by now.”

  “Perhaps we’d be like the Danlions, which would obviously be undesirable, so why bring one into our midst?” Stevens said.

  “Because the spirit of the Way demands it.” Laura pulled out her comm unit. “Let me quote Mary Conley, the leader of the reformists.” She cleared her throat. “‘We are not animals. We can choose to regulate our behaviour, or we can continue to grapple with social instability, unions that fail, frightened and lost children, and a society that revolves around the individual and diminishes the community. The price of utter and complete freedom is too high. We’ve seen that. We’re destroying ourselves.

  “‘I want to live in a society in which every child is loved. I want to live in a society in which everyone considers how their behaviour affects others. I want to live in a society in which we’re all secure in the knowledge that our family was there yesterday, is here today, and will be there tomorrow. I want to live in a society in which we spend our intelligence, time, and resources on improving our lives, not on killing each other. I want my children, my grandchildren, my great-grandchildren, and all the Rymellans who come after them to be proud to be Rymellan.

  “I want to live in a society in which nobody will ever have to make a speech like this again. If I have to die fighting for that society, I will.’”

  Laura looked up. “She was assassinated five days after making that speech, an event that galvanized the advocates for the Way and turned the tide in the War of Social Reform. Four million Rymellans died in that war. It pitted those who wanted to continue along our destructive path against those who valued social stability and community. When the advocates for the Way won the war, those on the other side didn’t disappear, nor were they slaughtered. They accepted defeat and strove to follow the Way. Were there more violations back then? Oh, yes. The numbers were horrific. As I said, we’ve become much better at determining who will be predisposed to following the Way, and we’ve refined articles in both the Law and the Chosen Tradition.”

  Lesley nodded. In the early days, they’d Joined Rymellans when both Chosens were at least 21, and discovered that many weren’t prepared to be Joined at that age. They’d tried 28, but Rymellans had complained that their lives were on hold for too long, and too many prime child-bearing years were wasted. Eventually they’d settled on 25.

  “But the majority didn’t end up at execution sites,” Laura continued. “They followed the Way, even though they weren’t sanctioned by the Chosen Council, and because they weren’t, it would have been more difficult for many of them, including the founders of the Way. I’m sure some of them would have failed your test. They also weren’t surrounded by Rymellans who were strong in the Way. This child will be. She’ll grow up in the society that Mary Conley and her colleagues envisioned. Do you think they’d want us to stand on the letter of the Law and Chosen Tradition and hand over a child to be murdered in cold blood? Do you think that’s what they had in mind when they were among the first Rymellans to give their lives for the Way?”

  “Why don’t we invite everyone in the galaxy to come to Rymel, then?” Stevens said sullenly.

  “Argamon, we’re talking about a child that fell into our lap when she was less than a day old, not about opening our doors to everyone!” Jensen glared at him. “Can you not take this personally? Every one of us in this room has the utmost respect for what you do. You are the foundation of the Way. I defend the Way. All of us here would give our lives for the Way. But we have to keep this in perspective.” She leaned forward and gazed at the Chosen Council Heads. “We’re talking about a baby. Do you honestly want to give a baby back to the Danlions, knowing that they’ll kill her? Do you honestly believe that’s what being Rymellan means, that Mary Conley fought and sacrificed her life so we could refuse to offer sanctuary to an innocent child? So we could hand a defenceless infant over to her murderers with a clear conscience?”

  Stevens and Ellis glanced at each other.

  “You’ll designate her a Solitary, of course,” Fisher said.

  “No!” Stevens shook his head for emphasis. “It would be a capital violation to tinker with the Solitary list. I don’t care that you’d look the other way in this case. If she’s going to be Rymellan, she’ll be evaluated and matched—or not, as the case may be—like everyone else.”

  Ellis nodded in agreement. “If we decide that this is the appropriate course of action, the only thing we’ll have to do is add a fetal verification record, which will i
ndicate that we confirmed the fetus’s parentage. Apart from that, we only get involved when a child is born. We would also have Joined the parents, of course.” Her mouth pinched. “Usually.”

  “If anyone compares her DNA to that of her...parents, they’ll know that the Thompsons aren’t the biological parents,” Hall pointed out.

  “Why would anyone?” Laura asked.

  “The commodore is correct,” Stevens said. “We would already have examined her parentage. The infirmary would have no reason to do such a comparison. They may request her genetic material for a procedure, but they’d never have a reason to compare it to the Thompsons’.”

  A loud beep pierced the air, making everyone jump. “Emergency communication for Commander Thompson,” said the voice crackling from Lesley’s comm unit.

  “Excuse me,” Lesley mumbled. She stepped outside the conference room and pulled the door shut. “Yes?” she said to Communications Control, which had remotely turned on her comm unit.

  “I’m connecting you to Jayne Thompson.”

  Lesley’s heart thumped.

  “Lesley? It’s time. Mo’s in labour,” Jayne said calmly. “Should we beep for a neonatal unit, or are we going to the infirmary?”

  “I—I don’t know. They’re still discussing it.”

  Shuffling, then, “Les. Take their, uh, offer,” Mo said, following Lesley’s instructions that nobody was to explicitly refer to the Danlion baby over a comm unit.

  “But—”

  “Look, if we...accept it and there are problems, we’ll work through them. If we don’t take it and we regret it, it’ll be too late. We won’t be able to change our minds. We’ll never be able to fix it.”

  “I don’t know if there’s time.”

  “It’ll be a few hours yet, at least. Oh!”

  Lesley’s heart thumped again. “Mo?”

  “I’m okay, just another contraction.”

  “They haven’t decided yet whether to extend the offer.” She hadn’t decided yet.

  “Well, go in and tell them they’ve just run out of time. We’ll wait for your beep, but Argamon, make it quick. Based on how far apart the contractions are, I’m guessing we have time. I could be wrong.”

  “Remember when we talked about my worries for our daughters, and you said it would work out, that we’d be bringing them up?” Jayne said. “The same is applicable to the offer.”

  No! They’d been discussing their daughters, not someone else’s.

  “Do you honestly think we’ll be able to live with ourselves if we don’t take it?” Mo added. “Will you be able to come home and fully celebrate?”

  No. But she wasn’t sure about taking the Danlion child. She wasn’t sure! They weren’t deciding whether to mind someone else’s child for a week. This would be for life, and the Danlion would take her name.

  “Lesley, you need to go. We’ll wait to hear from you, but as Mo said, we can’t wait long.”

  “Jayne, I...” Her eyes filled with tears.

  “We want you with us. So don’t dawdle. Whatever you decide, we’ll support you.”

  They would, but if she refused the Danlion, every time her Chosens looked at her, she’d know that she’d lost a little of their respect. Every time they cradled their daughter, she’d know they were thinking of that other baby. “Take care of Mo. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”

  Blinking back tears, Lesley disconnected and stared at her comm unit. Risk ruining her life, her Chosens’ lives, their daughters’ lives, and the family’s reputation, or look the other way and let a child be murdered. She took a moment to regain her composure and wipe her eyes, then forced herself to step back into the meeting room. Faces swam before her. “Are you all right, Commander?” Hall asked.

  She steeled herself. “My Chosen has gone into labour.”

  Jensen gaped. “What?”

  “We need to decide our course of action, then.” Laura frowned at Lesley. “Assuming we have time.”

  Still standing near the door, Lesley nodded. “A few hours, at least.”

  “Admiral, I understand that you’ll support our plan,” Jensen said to Hall.

  “I have my doubts,” Hall said, “but...if she wasn’t so young...if they weren’t going to kill her...” He heaved his shoulders. “We’ll keep an eye on her.”

  “And you?” Jensen said to Stevens and Ellis. “If we go ahead with this, you’ll play a key role. We can’t do it without you.”

  Stevens’ chest puffed out. “We need more time, but...well, you all appear certain that we won’t be making a terrible mistake, and I have to admit that Mary Conley’s words have made me more open to the idea.” He turned to Ellis.

  She swallowed. “I suppose I’d like to sleep tonight, and it matters that the girl will be raised within one of our oldest and strongest families.”

  “That’s assuming Commander Thompson and her Chosens have agreed to raise the child as their own.” Hall raised his brows at Lesley.

  She shifted her weight. “If we don’t accept her into our family, the Danlions will kill her.”

  “Is that a yes, Commander Thompson?” he said lightly.

  Her throat tightened. She had to force the word out. “Yes.”

  A frisson of excitement ran through the room. Laura and Jensen were instantly on their feet. “Fisher, get to the infirmary and prepare a secured route to the delivery room,” Jensen barked. “Stevens, Ellis, create that verification record. Commodore, you know what to do. Admiral—”

  Lesley didn’t hear what role, if any, Hall would play. She strode into the corridor and beeped Jayne. “You’re going to the infirmary.”

  Jayne’s voice shot up. “Okay. We’ll see you soon.” A pause. “It’ll be all right.”

  Would it?

  “Mo’s physician just beeped her. Hold on.”

  Lesley waited.

  “They’re sending a medical aviacraft for us.” Her voice dropped. “In case the twins are born on the way.”

  The web of deception was already being spun. “Is Mo okay?”

  “She’s fine. Hurry up and come see for yourself.”

  “I’m on my way.” Lesley disconnected, leaned against the corridor’s wall, and closed her eyes. Her life felt out of control. What have I done?

  “Are you okay?”

  Lesley snapped her eyes open. “Not really. I don’t know if we’re doing the right thing.”

  “Yes, you do,” Laura said quietly. “But that doesn’t mean you won’t have doubts. Come on. We need to get to your aviacraft.”

  “You’re coming to the infirmary with me?” Lesley asked, surprised.

  “No. You have a daughter to pick up.”

  “What? No, I need to be with Mo.”

  “Mo has hours to go yet. You and I are going to meet your daughter at the shuttle facility. We’ll take her to the infirmary,” Laura said, her tone making it clear that there was no room for argument.

  Feeling as if she were in a dream that could be described as a nightmare, Lesley pushed away from the wall and mutely fell into step with Laura.

  *****

  Lesley’s boots rang on tile as she paced in the unusually quiet waiting area. What excuse had they used this time to evacuate the facility? “Are you still awake?” she asked Laura, who was relaxing on a nearby bench.

  “I might have dozed off a couple of times,” Laura admitted.

  “It shouldn’t be long now.” Since it didn’t take as long to travel from headquarters to the shuttle facility as it did from 72, they’d already waited for over half an hour. Lesley desperately wanted to be with Mo. Her Chosens were keeping her updated, but still.

  Her comm unit beeped. “Is everything okay?” Lesley barked.

  “Fine,” Mo said. “I’m beeping be—” Her voice cut off.

  “Mo?”

  Silence, then, “I’m okay. My contractions are a little more severe, but the physician says it’ll be a while yet.” She paused. “Jayne and I were talking. We can discuss t
his when you get here, but in case things move quickly...I know we held off on naming the, uh, second twin, because we didn’t want our hopes up. But now that they’re certain she’ll be okay, we were thinking we should give her the second name on our list.”

  Lesley’s grip tightened on her comm unit. That name was supposed to be for their second daughter. The rest of the names on the list were meant for their other daughters, but it was too late to submit another name to the Chosen Council. “I suppose that makes sense. Just to be clear, the twin that we intended to get the first name on the list will get it, right?”

  “Yes. The one who might not have survived if everyone hadn’t stepped in,” Mo said, conveying her message loud and clear, “will be Katherine.”

  “All right.” Lesley sighed.

  “You okay?”

  “I wish I was there, instead of waiting for this...” Argamon, it would be easier if they could speak freely, “dignitary.”

  “If only Commodore Finney wasn’t being so unreasonable,” Mo said fervently. “She drives you into the ground.”

  Lesley glanced at Laura, whose eyes were closed again. “She’s not listening.”

  “Oh. Too bad. So, you excited? We’re going to be mamas today.”

  “It hasn’t sunk in yet.” She released another sigh. “Any of it.”

  “That’s because you’re not the one in labour,” Mo said with a chuckle.

  Lesley caught movement in her peripheral vision and turned to look. Laura was motioning toward the arrivals tunnel. “I have to go. The shuttle is arriving.” Her stomach knotted. “I wish I was with you.”

  “Me too. See you soon.”

  Fortunately Mo disconnected, because Lesley wanted to hang on, keep her talking, delay what was coming next. Laura wandered over to the tunnel entrance. Lesley went to her side. They stood smartly, as if they were meeting a dignitary. She swallowed when a solitary figure appeared at the other end of the tunnel, cradling a bundle in her arms. With every step Lieutenant Commander Higgs took, Lesley grew tenser.