Identity Crisis

by Sarah Ettritch

  A baby’s cry snapped her back to her surroundings. “We’re almost there,” she said to Eleanor as Les rocked her. “You can’t be hungry yet, can you?” Argamon, she was a twenty-four hour feeding station. “Look. We’re home.” Mo pointed. “This is where you live.” She could see Nathan and Andrew through the living room window. Both had volunteered to escort the family of five home from the infirmary, but the triad had wanted some quiet time to themselves.

  “Can you get the door?” Jayne said.

  Mo swung the door open and led the way into the noisy living room. She smiled when everyone rushed forward...and ignored her.

  “Isn’t she cute?”

  “Which one is Eleanor again?”

  “Can I hold her?”

  Someone squealed. “She’s looking at me!”

  Mo sighed and waded through the commotion. I’m fine, everyone. A little tired, maybe, but I guess I’ll feel that way now for a while. Yes, I wouldn’t mind a drink. Thank you for offering. Argamon, the brains were already splattering onto the floor.

  She broke free of the chaos and sank onto the sofa, then noticed that not everyone had lost their minds. Ann raised her brows from a chair across the room, then came over and sat next to Mo.

  “I wasn’t sure you’d be here,” Mo said.

  “I persuaded Barry to cover my shift, with Archer’s approval.” She gazed at those crowding around the babies and scrunched up her face. “Babies have to be cute, to offset all the screaming and puking and burping and smelly diapers, and you have two of them to deal with.” Her eyes went to Mo’s stomach. “Now I know why you’re so big.”

  “Excuse me—”

  “It must have been a shock when you found out you were having twins. Imagine when people didn’t find out until they were born.”

  Yeah, at least she’d had a few hours’ notice.

  “Are you going to bring them up to 72 with you? I’m not babysitting.”

  Mo stifled a snort. “I wouldn’t expect you to. I wouldn’t bring them up by myself. Jayne or Les would be with me—maybe both.”

  “That’s good. Oh, look who’s coming.” Ann leaped to her feet. “Talk to you later.” She moved over to the group clustered around Jayne.

  Adelaide plunked down where Ann had sat five seconds earlier. “This is the first set of twins for us. Are there any in your family?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t checked.”

  “I should have known you were having twins. You’d put on so much weight.”

  “I’m not that big,” Mo said through clenched teeth. “And it’s all coming off. I start seeing a trainer next week. I have to get my weight down before I can fly again.”

  Adelaide patted Mo’s knee. “I’m glad you’ll be getting help. Do you want something to drink?”

  “Sure.” Anything to put an end to this annoying conversation with her Chosen Mama. “I wouldn’t mind a glass of grape juice, please.”

  “I’ll be back in a minute.” Adelaide bustled away. Uh-oh, one of the babies was crying. Mo struggled to her feet and went to the Chosen who looked the most uncomfortable. Les smiled sheepishly. “She might be hungry.”

  “I’ll take her upstairs.” Mo held out her arms, but Les said, “I’ll carry her up.”

  A chorus of groans ensued. “We won’t be gone for long.” Mo glanced at Jayne. “Bring her, too,” she mouthed; otherwise poor Katherine would be surrounded by even more people cooing and making faces and grasping her tiny hands.

  She looked around in confusion when they entered the nursery. There’d only been one crib in here yesterday.

  “Laura brought it over and set it up,” Les said, correctly guessing at the reason for Mo’s puzzled expression. Mo reached behind her to push the door shut. Someone in the hallway pushed against it from the other side.

  Adelaide poked her head into the room. “I have Mo’s drink.”

  “Thanks,” Mo said, taking it from her. “Tell everyone we’ll be down soon.” She shut the door, and after drinking some juice, she set it on the changing table and sat on one of the rocking chairs. A smile sprang to her lips at the sight of Jayne holding Katherine in front of the mural. “I don’t think she really sees it yet.”

  “I know, but I’m showing it to her, anyway.”

  See? Brains gone.

  Les peered at Eleanor. “She seems to have calmed down.”

  “I’ll try her, anyway.” Maybe Eleanor had just wanted five minutes of peace. Mo couldn’t blame her. She reached for her, then pulled her arms back when her comm unit beeped twice. “Since she’s not starving, let me just check my dispatches. My comm unit’s been beeping non-stop since last night, and I haven’t had a chance to read any.” She was curious to see who’d sent congratulatory messages. She read down the names. Cmdr. T. Baker? The subject read, Congratulations! News of the births had already reached the Falcon? “Did you send a dispatch about the twins to anyone on the Falcon?” she asked Les.

  “No, I haven’t told anyone except family yet.”

  Baffled, Mo read Baker’s message. It’s great to hear that you’re eligible for tours again. I guess the next Falcon tour will be too soon, but maybe the one after that? Make sure you let us know when you’ve welcomed your daughter. Okay, maybe fatigue was finally catching up with her, because she had no idea what he was talking about. Maybe he’d mixed her up with someone else.

  “What is it?” Les said.

  Mo looked up. “I’m not sure.” She continued to scan names; another one jumped out at her. Jensen, or rather, her assistant. Lieutenant Commander Thompson, the admiral is pleased to inform you that she has completed the evaluation of your suitability to serve on Defence ships... Mo’s mouth dropped open. Evaluation? Is that what she called it? ...and has concluded that the restrictions on your permitted duties can be lifted. You are welcome to apply for a slot on any Defence tour. The admiral apologizes for any inconvenience.

  She lifted her head again. “You won’t believe this.”

  “What?” her Chosens said in unison.

  “Jensen has cleared me for tours again. I’m no longer grounded.”

  “Really?” Les said.

  “Maybe now that we have daughters, we’re acceptable to her,” Jayne said.

  Mo nodded. “She does seem to have a soft spot for Katherine, or maybe babies in general. Then again, when she grounded me, she did say that she’d reconsider my grounding when we have some time behind us.” It seemed coincidental that Jensen would choose now to change her mind, though. Too coincidental. She searched Les’s face. “Did you...”

  Les peered down at Eleanor. “I might have asked for something in return for your willingness to go along with Jensen’s plan. I didn’t want it to influence your decision about Katherine, though.”

  “I wouldn’t have taken her just so I could go on tour again.” Argamon, raising a child as her own in exchange for Jensen righting a wrong would hardly have been a fair exchange. “But thanks for getting her to agree to it.”

  Jayne’s forehead creased with worry. “Does that mean we’ll be going on a tour?”

  Mo glanced at Les. “Not for a few years yet. Maybe never. It’s nice to have the option again, though.” She slid her comm unit back into its holder and held out her arms. “Okay, who am I feeding first?” Her triumphant return to being a hot shot tour pilot would have to wait. She had more important things to do.

  *****

  Douglas Tibbs, a senior translator in Communications Control, reviewed his colleague’s translation of a short communiqué. He didn’t often see a document written in both Jessimite and Danlion, but given the document’s contents, the need for both languages was perfectly understandable:

  To: the Jessimite ambassador to the Danlion colonies

  From: Rymellan Communications Control

  Thank you for agreeing to transmit the following communication to the Danlion leadership:

  In regard to your recent communiqué about escaped political prisoners, we intercepted and
destroyed a Danlion cargo ship that matches the description you provided. We assure you that the ship was disintegrated. There were no survivors. While we consider this matter closed, we remind you that incursions into Rymellan space will not be tolerated and will be considered an act of war.

  Tibbs couldn’t help but feel proud as he approved the translation. He’d sleep better at night knowing that Defence was patrolling Rymellan space and protecting the Way. Imagine if the cargo ship had approached the planet—with Danlions aboard! He abhorred violence, but between having a Danlion near the planet and a Danlion blasted into a billion microscopic particles, he definitely preferred the latter. With a shudder, he flicked off his monitor, slid open his drawer, and lifted out his bagged lunch.

  *****

  Lesley peered into the nursery and smiled at Mo, who was sitting in one of the rocking chairs with Eleanor in her arms. It was easy to tell the two girls apart; Eleanor’s hair was lighter than Katherine’s, so glimpsing the baby’s head was all Lesley needed. She stepped into the room and waved her hand to catch Mo’s attention.

  “You can talk,” Mo said. “She’s not sleeping.”

  Lesley glanced in the direction of Katherine’s crib.

  “Why don’t you get her and join me?” Mo suggested, looking at the empty rocking chair next to her.

  “I don’t want to disturb her.”

  “Last time I looked, she was awake.”

  “Then why are you holding Eleanor?”

  “Because I only have one pair of hands and Eleanor was fussing,” Mo snapped. “I’d really appreciate it if you could bring Kat over so she doesn’t feel neglected.”

  Lesley wouldn’t ask where Jayne was; Mo would bite her head off. She reluctantly went to Katherine’s crib and lifted the baby into her arms. Disappointment made her frown. She should feel something when she held Katherine, but nothing stirred. She’d tried to see Katherine as her daughter, but every time she looked at her, she saw a rescued Danlion child and felt the now-familiar sting of inadequacy.

  How did Mo and Jayne do it? Since bringing the babies home two weeks ago, Lesley had watched her Chosens coo at and play with them, and she couldn’t see a difference between how they treated Eleanor and Katherine. Could she not get past Katherine’s ancestry because she’d sat in the meetings, viewed the images of the reconnaissance team discovering her, and listened to the arguments against saving her? She’d always protect Katherine—or Kat, as Mo and Jayne called her—and she’d take good care of her, but she felt as if there was a stranger in the house, that she lived with her Chosens, her daughter...and someone else.

  With a sigh, she sank into the rocking chair and gazed into the two baby brown eyes blinking at her. Nothing. Perhaps it was easy for Mo because she nursed Katherine, and perhaps Jayne didn’t wonder when Katherine’s parents were going to arrive and take her home because she saw herself in Katherine’s situation. Lesley futilely tapped Katherine’s nose. Why couldn’t she feel anything for the child in her arms?

  Mo smiled down at Eleanor. “I see Mama in her.” Her voice quavered. “I like that.”

  Lesley made sure that Katherine was securely nestled in her left arm, then reached out with her other hand and patted Mo’s arm.

  Mo cleared her throat. “These two have a commodore wrapped around their pinkies.”

  Lesley nodded. Laura hadn’t been lying when she’d said she’d drop by more often.

  “Just before she left, she was telling me more about how the Danlion family ruler thing works. She’s done some research.” Mo’s face grew animated. “Can you believe they’re born into it? I mean, what happens if the oldest child is an idiot? What happens if it’s a family of idiots that keeps having idiots?”

  Lesley chuckled. “Perhaps that’s why they’re always fighting each other. You can’t blame Katherine’s family for wanting to save her from it.”

  Mo groaned. “We’re her family. You have to start seeing it that way.”

  Easier said than done.

  “But don’t force it. It’ll happen in its own time,” Mo said, more confidently than Lesley felt. “Oh, Ross beeped me about a planning meeting on 72. She knows I won’t be back for a couple of months, but since they’re considering some new training exercises, she wants me to go. I said I would.”

  “When is it?”

  “Well, that’s the problem. We’d already scheduled the twins’ checkup for that day, but I don’t have to be here, do I? You and Jayne will be here. I’ll leave bottles.”

  “Go. You’ve hardly left the house since we brought them home.”

  “It’ll be a busy week. First the supper with your parents, then 72, then the presentation to the Chosen Council.” Mo paused. “Seems odd that I did all the work, but you get to present them.”

  Lesley could tell she was teasing. “I don’t make the rules.”

  “Everything will go okay at the presentation, right?”

  Now she heard anxiety. “Her birth has been recorded like any other child’s. So don’t worry. Everything will be fine.” For once, Lesley wished she wasn’t the Principal. She’d have to present the child in her arms to the Chosen Council and declare Katherine as her own. That wasn’t fine. Not fine at all.

  *****

  Jayne held the tray steady while Alan lifted two mugs of tziva from it. “Thank you,” he murmured. “I wouldn’t have minded preparing the tziva.”

  “That’s okay. I wanted to do it,” she said, meaning it. By the time the triad had moved out of this house, she’d no longer felt like an intruder, and Lesley’s parents didn’t intimidate her. But she still liked to make herself useful. After Lesley and Mo had taken their tzivas, she set the tray on an end table and sank into a chair. Adelaide smiled down at Kat, who lay contentedly in her grandmama’s arms.

  “She’s a quiet one, isn’t she?” Adelaide lifted her head. “I can’t believe they’ll be presented to the Chosen Council this week.” Kat’s face suddenly grew scarlet. She started to cry. “Oh, I spoke too soon, didn’t I?” Adelaide said, pitching her voice high.

  “Do you want to switch?” Mo asked, sitting on the other end of the sofa with Eleanor.

  “No, that’s all right.” Adelaide rocked Kat. “Have you been keeping your mamas up at night?”

  Mo nodded. “Yes, they have.”

  “Is that why your Mama Lesley has had such a long face all night? Is she tired?” Adelaide said to Kat.

  “I haven’t had a long face all night,” Lesley said from the other chair.

  “Yes, you have. Here.” She rose and carried a still wailing Kat over to Lesley. “You might have better luck.”

  “Give her to Jayne,” Lesley said.

  “Why?” Adelaide roared. Kat’s cries grew louder.

  “Because she’s better with her when she’s fussing.”

  Adelaide tutted. Wanting to avert an argument, Jayne held out her arms. “I’ll see if I can quiet her down.” Adelaide handed Kat to Jayne, then whirled to Lesley. “What’s the matter with you?”

  “Nothing,” Lesley said, as Jayne held Kat against her and rubbed her back.

  “You’ve been surly all night. I’m sure they’re tired too, but at least they’re making an effort. You’d better not be in this mood at the Chosen House.” Adelaide sat down and let out an exasperated sigh. “I understand that you’re not getting enough sleep, but you have two beautiful girls about to take their first real step as Rymellans. Don’t spoil it for everyone.”

  Jayne gave Lesley a sidelong glance. That was the problem. Lesley didn’t believe Kat was Rymellan, and Jayne didn’t know what to do about it. She’d thought Lesley would have come around by now, but while Lesley fed and changed Kat and made sure she was all right, there was no spark between them. Lesley played with Eleanor, talked to her, carried her around the house. With Kat, it was all duty and obligation. When they were with others, as they were now, Lesley pretty much ignored both babies. It was the only way she could come across as treating them the same, and both their d
aughters were poorer for it.

  Her ears were ringing. She felt Kat’s diaper—ah. “She needs to be changed,” she said, rising. “I’ll go do it.” As she passed Lesley, her throat tightened, and she wished she could reach out and touch her. Lesley was hurting; the situation was tying her in knots. Did she regret taking Kat? Did she want to love her, but couldn’t? Was she afraid to love her? Jayne vowed to find out. Lesley should be enjoying this time in her life, not sitting in an armchair in her parents’ house, hiding her tension and misery.

  Jayne didn’t want Lesley to feel outnumbered, so she’d broach the subject when Mo was on 72. They’d have some time together before the physician arrived. She couldn’t make Lesley love Kat, but if she could get to the root of the barrier Lesley had erected, maybe she could break it down, or at least help Lesley disassemble it piece by piece.

  *****

  Jayne reached the bottom of the stairs and walked into the living room. “They’re sleeping,” she said.

  Focused on her comm unit, Lesley grunted.

  “Are you looking forward to going back?”

  “Yes and no.” Lesley slid her comm unit into its holder. “I wish I had more time, but I know you and Mo will be here, and I have a pile of work waiting for me.”

  Jayne sank onto the sofa next to her. How could she open the conversation about Kat without sounding accusatory? She took Lesley’s hand. “You’ve been quiet since the supper with your parents.”

  “I’m just tired.”

  “Your mama wasn’t too pleased with you.”