by S. Moose
“Why? I sound like a child!”
“When you laugh, I know you’re happy. When you’re with me and you’re laughing, I know it’s because of me.”
“Of course it’s you. You always make me happy, Nicholas.” I lean in, kissing his soft lips, loving this moment with him. It’s our moment.
As I suddenly shoot up from my bed, I look around and see it’s dark out. I’ve been sleeping for hours, but I still feel exhausted. My eyes feel puffy and my body aches from crying since leaving Wilmington. Looking around my temporary bedroom, I see boxes and my things scattered around. Bradley comes in a few moments after, looking at me, carrying a tray of food.
“You got my things?”
“Yeah. Larry and Lexi helped me get your stuff from Nicholas’.”
I rub my eyes. “Was he there?” Bradley shakes his head and continues to organize my things after putting down the tray. I look at it and see pasta with chicken, but I’m not hungry. I do take the glass of water and slowly take sips. “You don’t have to do this.”
“I want to, Karly.” Bradley’s body tenses as he comes over to me. His hands rest on my shoulders, kissing my forehead. “I know you’re hurting right now and I’m sorry. I left you before and I am not leaving you again. I’m here for you, okay?” I nod again. “We’ll get you through this.”
I wrap myself in the plush blanket and watch him put away my things. Guilt strikes me with full force. I hate being sad and broken. It’s not getting me anywhere, but what am I supposed to do? How am I going to be okay?
I look down and immediately notice the jewelry. The N, E, and K charms dangle from my wrist. I touch each one, remembering when he gave this to me. I miss them so much, but I can’t go back. Maybe I’ll stay here and start over. Lots of people live in Myrtle Beach. It’s a family place and I’m sure I’ll be able to find a job.
Looking down, my eyes travel to my hands. There’s the ring resting on my finger. Everything on me reminds me of Nicholas. Shuddering and trembling, I quickly take off all the pieces and throw them in the drawer of the nightstand. As much as it hurts to do this, I can’t be near anything that reminds me of my past. It’s only been a few hours and I have to tell myself it’s over.
“Can you get my purse?”
“Yeah, no problem.”
I need to text Lexi and tell her I’m sorry for leaving without saying anything. At least she knows where I am, thanks to Bradley.
He sets my purse next to me and goes back to putting my things away. I reach in my bag and feel an envelope. I pull it out and see it’s a card from Nicholas. On the envelope, I see his handwriting. “To the love of my life.”
The words blur and the tears start coming from my eyes – Tears that will keep coming down for a while until my heart mends from the loss of him.
I pull out the card and read his words again.
“Angel,
Today is a huge day. You’re officially a graduate! I’m proud of you and know this is only the beginning. You have the rest of our life to achieve your dreams and you’ll have me right by your side. I promise I’ll be your rock, your shoulder to lean on, your stress reliever (wink), and your sexy philosopher. I’ll be anything and everything you need. I believe in you, Karly, and that’ll never stop.
I love you,
Nicholas”
I read his words over and over again. Holding the card in my hand breaks me again. I hold the card to my chest, let out a breath, and curl back up in a ball. Bradley hears my sobs and runs over to me. He grabs the card from my hands and brings me back in his arms, rocking me like a baby.
Hours pass and Bradley’s out getting dinner for the both of us. I head downstairs, taking one step at a time. Entering the kitchen, I grab a bottle of Moscato and a wine glass, and walk outside on the deck. Sitting down, I prop up my legs and pour myself a healthy glass of the delicious and refreshing wine.
“Here’s to you, Nicholas.” I raise my glass to the air and bring the wine to my lips. The cool, crisp taste feels good and I keep drinking.
One minute, I was laughing and in love with the man of my dreams, and the next, here I was sitting on a deck of my ex-boyfriend’s beach home, drinking wine alone. I was supposed to be with Nicholas and we were supposed to share a life together. Nothing seemed right. Everything fell apart and I saw myself falling down a dark and empty path of loathing and sadness.
Day one of being alone and I’m doing so well. I finish another glass of wine and decide to drink right out of the bottle. It’s just me here and there’s no one here to judge me. Like I’d care.
“Alright drunkie, gimme the bottle.” I quickly take one last sip before Bradley yanks the bottle from my hands. I don’t look at him. I keep my eyes on the ocean.
“You ready to talk?” I shake my head. “Well, darling, you can’t sit here and drink yourself stupid.”
“It was just a few glasses of wine. My life is over, Bradley. Everything I had is gone, so what would you like me to do?”
“Live.”
One word. One impossible word.
“I can’t live. Right now, all I can see is the bottom of an empty bottle, so gimme my space and let me cry. It’s my very own pity party.” I grab the bottle back and chug, not caring that he’s judging me.
“Imagine how he’s feeling, Karly.”
“He’s fine.” And he should be. He’s back with the love of his life and their daughter.
“I don’t think so.” I can hear the concern in his voice. “I talked to Larry and he’s not doing good. He’s still in bed and won’t leave.”
I turn my head to Bradley. What the hell is he talking about?
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, maybe you read the whole situation wrong, darling.”
“Nope. I didn’t. Clear as freaking day, Bradley.” I get up, finish the wine, and throw the bottle as far as I can. I grip the railing of the deck, bending my head. “I’m sure I saw and heard everything,” I mutter, still not looking at him. I swallow the lump in my throat. I force myself to sit down. Still not sure what to say or do, my eyes go back to the ocean.
“He loves you.” Bradley places his hand on mine and strokes it lightly.
Tears sting my eyes. No matter what I do, I can’t stop crying over him. I’m not sure if I’ll ever stop crying. Clenching Bradley’s hand, I throw myself on him and cry on his shoulder, asking why over and over again. Sinking into his body, I feel nothing but darkness and realize how alone I am. Everyone’s always leaving or making me want to leave.
My parents left.
Neil left.
Now I’m without Nicholas and Emma.
I’m alone, like my dad said I would be. No one will ever love me.
HER BLUE-GREEN EYES STARE AT ME. They’re empty and have lost their shine. There’s nothing I can do or say to bring her back. I want to pull her into me and never let her go, but I did.
Watching her walk out the door, turning her back on me, puts me in a place where my mistakes crawl like a hunger and leave me broken. Little by little, I’m dying inside. I wish I could close my eyes and stay in this bed forever. When I’m sleeping, she’s back in my arms and we’re happy. But then, as soon as I open my eyes, I see her walking away in slow motion, leaving me feeling empty. I can’t breathe, thinking she’s going to be on her own. She’s going to be without me. I didn’t fight for her. I didn’t fight for us.
Reality sinks in.
Torment walks in, taking an eternal place by my side.
What do I do now?
How am I supposed to live without her when, the past few months, my world revolved around her? Because of the promise I made, I had to let her walk away. There was nothing I could do. As much as I wanted to chase her and hold her in my arms, telling her I made a mistake – well, that can’t happen. This is my fault and mine alone. I’m the one who let Jamie back in my life.
“I need your help, Nicky. Please don’t turn your back on me. I don’t have anyone. You’re the only one who c
an help me. Please, I am begging you.”
Shutting my eyes, I try to block out Jamie’s voice. All these years, and she now decides to come back without warning.
When Jamie told me everything, my whole world shook. Everything went black. I knew I was going to lose Karly. I sat there in my office while Jamie held my hand, and I felt numb. There’s never a right time to say goodbye to the one you love, but it was something I had to do.
Everything I do, I do for Emma.
Opening my eyes, I watch the door and hope to see her come back, telling me everything will be all right, but the door remains closed. The pain in my chest breaks through and I realize I’m alone in the bed in which we last made love. My heart and soul are in her hands and I don’t want them back until she’s back in my life. Karly owns me completely.
She came into my life and, from the moment I saw her, there was no turning back. She showed me what it was like to love and be completely devoted to someone. I thought I knew what love was, but I didn’t until she came into my life.
I’m never going to love again. When you find the one you want to spend your life with, no one else matters. But life isn’t always that easy. The wedges in between destroy your path and put roadblocks along the way. Jamie’s my roadblock. I can only hope that once things are better, I’ll go back to her and we’ll have our forever. I turn my head on the pillow and let the tears fall. My pulse spikes as I remember the look in her eyes and the sound of her voice. I broke her. My Angel is broken. There’s nothing I can do to save her or us.
Lying on the bed, I turn over and grab the shirt she left behind. I bring it to my nose and breathe her in.
Vanilla.
Watching her leave was the hardest thing I had to endure. I felt her heart beating with mine. The way our bodies knew what we wanted. She was supposed to be my forever, but now that I’ve ruined everything, guilt meets my heart and soon it makes a home inside me – a permanent resident that reminds me what I let go.
I roll over and try to find the answers I need, but there’s silence. The darkness of the room quiets my roaming thoughts. I know I should stop and give up. With Jamie back in the picture, there’s nothing I can do. I told her I’d help her and be there for her. I can’t be a selfish man and have both women in my life. It wouldn’t be fair. I need to think about what’s best for Emma and give Jamie what she needs so she’ll be at peace. This is how it’s going to be. I sacrifice my own happiness for others.
I clear my throat, throwing my arm over my head, and think about Emma. This is for her, I keep telling myself. She needs to spend more time with Jamie and build their relationship again. It’s for the best. Closing my eyes again, I welcome the darkness and block the light. This is where I need to be. This is where I belong.
When I think of Karly, I wonder what she’s doing. Is she happy? Is she laughing? Is she safe? I’ve been trying to keep tabs on her, but I don’t know where she is and no one’s telling me anything. Maybe I don’t deserve to know anything about her or what she’s doing. I lost that privilege when I let her go. But I’m a selfish man and I refuse to let her go. I’ll find her and she’ll understand why I did this.
Looking at the empty bottle of Jack, I lick the top part of the bottle, hoping to get one more taste. Realizing how stupid I look, I toss it to the side, hearing it clank on the ground. I haven’t seen Emma since Karly left. I can’t look at my broken daughter. She’s hurting, I’m hurting…We’re all hurting and it’s because of my decision. I have to keep telling myself I’m doing the right thing. It’s the only way I keep sane. But all I can do is stare at the mess I made with my decisions and let the regret fill me.
I’ve gone back home with Jamie, taking some time off from work so I can collect myself. Getting up from the couch, I make my way to the bathroom and look in the mirror. I’m a ghost of a man, haunted by this life I’m now living…or trying to live.
Heading back to the couch, or my bed, since I’ve been avoiding my bedroom, I pull out my phone and send Karly a text.
Me: I miss you. I know I messed up, but can you talk to me please? Say something…Anything!
My phone rings. I’m hoping it’s Karly, but it’s Lexi, checking up on me. She’s been coming over a few times a day. I don’t let her in. She stands outside the living room window, screaming at me, telling me I’m a bastard. I take it all in because it’s true.
Ignoring her call, I send Karly another text message.
Me: I dream about you all the time. I dream about our future and we’re happy again. God, I am so fucking sorry. Please say you forgive me.
My voicemail alert beeps. Another message telling me to wake the fuck up, courtesy of my baby sister.
Me: Can you talk to me? Fucking talk, Karly! I need to know you’re okay before I lose my mind. I’m going crazy over here, thinking about you. Where are you?
Me: I’m not giving up on you. I’m going to fight for you and soon you’ll be back in my arms. I promise you. I will fucking get you back.
She’s not answering me! What the fuck do I do? My mind goes a million miles, switching directions, going left and right.
Where is she?
I hope she’s okay.
I need her to be okay.
If I have to live in a world without Karly, then what’s the point? She’s the air I breathe and the life I wish I could live.
Sleep. Shutting my eyes. Shutting out the world.
After a few days off, I find myself back in the office. Peterson comes in a few times to check on me. I give him a smile and tell him not to worry. I busy myself and keep my mind focused. Being at work brings me some peace. My days are full of endless tasks of meetings, reports, and analyzing. Leslie brings me my lunch every day, something Karly used to do, and reminds me to go home. She hasn’t asked about Karly, thank God. But I know the girls in the office have been talking. Who hasn’t? I ignore the stares and whispers. This is what I’m choosing to do. This is what I have to live with.
I’ve been fine at work, keeping busy and staying in my office unless I’m needed. I’ve made it through without breaking down, yet today isn’t one of those days. Sitting in my office, the familiar burning sensation hits my chest as I pick up my phone and pull up her contact information. Her beautiful face stares back at me. Thinking about her kills me. The slow and agonizing death doesn’t go away.
Me: I know you’re hurting, but I need to know that you’re okay. Please let me know. Just a simple answer…Please, Angel.
I press send and wait for a response. That’s all I can do. She never answers me back, and I don’t want to give up. Call me fucking crazy or a God damn stalker, but I need to know she’s okay. I squeeze my eyes shut, praying for a response from her. I search every fiber in me for the patience I need so I can wait. Guilt takes over as I stare at my phone, screaming for her to say something. A simple “I’m okay” would satisfy my need for her. Sitting in my office with nothing but silence, my breathing comes to a halt and balls of pain lodge in my chest that try to escape through my mouth. After everything we’ve been through, I let her go and she left. She didn’t fight, I didn’t fight. Does that mean our love doesn’t mean anything?
We’ve been hit with a force of destruction neither of us saw coming, neither of us guessing this was the end and the foundation we built would crumble at our feet. Just one person...
Minutes turn to hours and there’s still no response. I’m about to email my reports when my phone vibrates on my desk.
Karly: I gave you my heart and you promised to keep it safe. I gave you my life, hoping we’d see forever. I gave you my body, hoping you’d cherish me. I was a fool and now here I am with nothing. I’m nothing. Because of you. I wish I’d never met you. I wish I could erase you from my mind. If we never met, I wouldn’t feel this way. Did you even care about me at all? Did you even love me?
I did this to her.
Me: I’m sorry, Angel. I wish I could tell you everything. Please be safe. Just hold on.
Karly: I’m
not worth it…Am I?
Me: Angel, yes you are! You’re my fucking world! Please hold on, please. I am fucking begging you. Please don’t do this.
Silence.
After a long day in the office, it’s nearly six in the evening when I pull into the driveway, staring at the house that used to hold happy times. The destruction that’s now my life isn’t glamorous or joyful. Everything I’ve worked for is coming undone. The only constant happiness in my life is Emma. But, even now, I’m not doing her justice or giving her what she needs. She’s having a hard time with Jamie and isn’t listening. I talk to her every day and remind her how much I love her. When I’m around, she’s in a somewhat good mood. As soon as I leave for the day, that’s when hell breaks loose. She’s night and day. Bottom line, she wants her mommy; she wants Karly. Each time we talk, it’s the same question. When’s Mommy coming back? I keep telling her that it’s not her fault she’s gone and that her mommy loves her.
Each time I walk through the doors, I imagine Karly and Emma singing their country songs and dancing around the kitchen. Every night, Karly and I would put Emma to bed and lie outside on the cabana. Since she’s been gone, I haven’t been outside or near our spot. It hurts too much to be there. I haven’t been sleeping in my room either. Whenever I go in, I feel the room getting smaller and I can’t breathe. The room still smells like her. All of her clothes and things are gone except a picture of us on my nightstand and a book she used to read every night. I haven’t moved what’s left of her things. I can’t. If I move them aside, I’m telling myself she’s never coming back. But she will come back. She will fucking come back.
Since having Jamie move in, our sleeping arrangements have been unconventional. She wants to share a room with me and come to bed with me. Fuck that. There’s only one woman I’ll share a bed with – Karly. Jamie’s fiery, short, blonde self can throw a damn tantrum all she wants. She has a room; her own room. I’m not letting this one go. Separate rooms. But when we’re around Emma, we’re a family. That still doesn’t change the fact that she’s constantly asking questions and is slowly starting to see our façade.
