by S. Moose
Why are you sleeping downstairs?
Why’s Jamie always sleeping?
Why am I at Grandma and Grandpa’s all the time?
I should answer her questions, but not yet and probably not ever. She’s too young to be tainted with our mess. The lies easily spew from my lips.
Daddy’s been working late and doesn’t want to wake up Mom.
She’s tired, Princess.
Because they love spending time with you.
She accepts the answers for now. I need to push aside my own feelings; I need to be strong for Emma and stop dwelling in my own fucked-up-ness. This is my mess and I have to deal with it. I’m the one who let her walk away. There’s never a good time to say goodbye, but I made that move and now I have to reap the consequences. It’s the hardest thing to do, but I keep telling myself this is for Emma. Everything I do is for Emma; until the day I die, my little girl will always come first.
I take a deep breath and head inside.
“Emma, honey, please have some dinner.”
“No! I told you I’m not hungry!”
“You haven’t had anything to eat today. Please, sweetie.”
“Jamie, I told you I’m not hungry! Why are you here?”
Great, this is what I need right now. I walk in the kitchen and see Jamie and Emma facing off.
“Emma Grace.” She turns around and her face crumples.
“Daddy!” She runs over to me and jumps in my arms. Her tiny body trembles in my arms and my heart breaks, thinking about how much she’s hurting. I look to Jamie and see the tears in her eyes. She looks away and starts putting dinner on the table. “Where’ve you been?”
“I’m sorry, Princess. Daddy’s been busy with work.” I head to the living room and sit on the couch, still holding my baby girl in my arms. “What’s going on, huh?”
“I don’t want her here,” she whispers. “I want Mommy.”
“But she’s in the kitchen.”
“No. That’s Jamie. I want Mommy.”
I know exactly who she’s asking for. It kills me that she’s not calling Jamie “Mom” or “Mommy.” I’m sure Jamie’s not feeling any love either. I’m stuck. What the hell do I do?
“Princess, we’ve talked about this many times. Karly needs some time alone from Daddy. Your mom’s here and she’s really trying to make things better. Now, I am sorry this is happening, but you said you’d try. She’s Mom, okay?”
Emma pulls away from my arms and brushes her hair from her eyes. “No! I don’t want her here!” She turns to look at Jamie. “I hate you!” Before either of us can say anything, Emma storms to her room and slams the door.
Jamie breaks down and drops to the kitchen floor. I walk over to her, kneeling down, and I rub her back. “It’ll be okay.”
She shakes her head. “No, it’s not. Emma hates me. She’s right, Nicholas. I shouldn’t have come back.”
Not sure what to do, I bring Jamie in my arms and we sit there in silence. Holding her doesn’t make me feel…anything. When I look at Jamie, I don’t see the girl I fell in love with or even a good friend. She’s the mother of my daughter and now she’s going to be back in our lives. This is why I know I’ll win back Karly. There are no feelings for Jamie. I’m helping her out so she can spend time with Emma. I don’t want her growing up thinking Jamie is a horrible person, even if she can be. I’ll protect her from the truth, one way or another.
After a little, Jamie calms down and gets up, walking to the living room, resting on the couch. It’s quiet between us; neither of us knows what to say. I let her know I’m going to check on Emma and head upstairs.
“Emma.” I knock before walking in. She’s in the corner, putting away her clothes, and she refuses to turn around. “Talk to me, Emma.”
“No, thank you.”
I let out a deep sigh and sit on her bed. “You know I’m sorry, Princess. I can’t change what happened. Your mom is back, though, and you get to spend time with her. That’s important. She will always be your mom and Karly will always be Mommy. They both love you, just like I do. I wish I could bring Karly back. Maybe one day you’ll understand.”
She shakes her head. “It’s not fair, Daddy. Jamie can’t be here. I don’t want her here. I want Mommy.” She sobs, throwing her clothes around and falling to the ground. I pick up her tiny body and wrap her in my arms. I hate that this is hurting my daughter. I hate that the choices I’m making are breaking our hearts. I’m supposed to be doing this for her, so why is this so hard?
“I love you so much, Emma. If I could change all of this, I would.”
Her tiny body shakes in my arms. I hold her tighter to my chest and kiss the top of her head. We sit on her bedroom floor for what seems to be forever. Time stands still as I hold my daughter in my arms. Her sobs quiet and slow. She relaxes in my arms and uses my shirt as her tissue. I don’t care, though. If I could put a smile on her face again, I would. I would do anything for Emma, including giving her Jamie before it’s too late.
It doesn’t make sense to anyone else but me. I’m giving Jamie and Emma another chance. I know Emma loves Karly and sees her as her mommy, but Jamie’s her mom too. The mistakes we’ve made in the past shouldn’t affect Emma and our future. This is the only way it can be for now until we get answers.
“Feeling better?”
“Kinda. I like having you home, Daddy. Can you be here more?”
She’s asking me to be home. Emma needs me and I need to be strong for her. These are the moments I cherish with her. Every day, Emma’s growing up and soon she’ll be a teenager and then an adult. Regardless of my broken heart and soul, I can’t give up as her dad.
“Princess, I promise I’ll try harder.”
Her hands touch my face and she smiles. “I know you’re sad, Daddy. I’m sad too.”
“We’ll get through this together, Princess.” She nods. “Come on and let’s go eat dinner.” She nods again.
We head to the kitchen table and I give Jamie a kiss on her cheek. We need to show Emma that we can be a family again, so this is what I have to do. Emma needs to see that I’m happy and maybe she’ll let go of her anger and resentment.
Going through the motions of dinner and listening to them talk is harder than I thought. Gripping the fork in my hand, I look around and notice some subtle changes. A few pictures from the condo in California line the shelf in the living room and there’s nothing of Karly.
“You’ve been doing some organizing?”
“A little here and there. Just adding some of my style to the house. It’s nice, Nicky. Emma and I went to Pier 1, but little miss didn’t seem to want to buy anything new for her pretty room. Did you tell Daddy what color we’re painting your room?”
“Pink,” she answers simply.
I look at Emma and try to read her. She’s miserable and I don’t blame her. I feel her pain, yet, as a parent, I’m doing the right thing. “That sounds good, Princess.”
“Oh yeah, so fun.”
“Emma Grace.”
“Fine.”
Jamie takes my hand and tries to smile. This whole thing is getting worse. How much longer can we play this game? It’s only been a few weeks. Soon, we’ll be getting answers and can make a new plan, but for now, we need to put on a show for everyone.
“Emma, your dad and I have something to tell you.” I quickly look at Jamie and hope she’s not going to do this now after Emma’s been calm.
“Jamie?”
“It’s okay, Nicky.” She winks. “Emma, baby. Your dad and I are getting remarried.”
Oh fuck my life, here comes the tantrum.
Emma looks at me and then at Jamie. The look on her face is something I’ve never seen before. Emma closes her eyes and all hell breaks loose. She screams and cries and pushes Jamie out of her way.
“I don’t know why you did this now,” I seethe at Jamie. “Emma! Come back!” I chase her outside and grab her in my arms. “It’ll be okay. I promise.” She relaxes in my arms and hold
s me tight.
“Don’t do this, Daddy, please.”
The sadness in her voice guts me. “It’ll be all right.” I say the words, but they’ve lost their meaning. I’m not sure anything will be all right after all of this goes down. I sit down on the lounge chair with Emma in my arms. We watch the sun set together and my mind goes to Karly.
It was important to her that we sat outside and enjoyed the little things in life. She taught both of us how to appreciate these moments and not let life pass by. Before Karly came around, I was in the dark and living in the shadows. Emma got everything she needed. She never took advantage, but knew how to get her way. As soon as Karly walked into our lives, it was like the dark clouds were lifted. I looked over at the cabana and remembered holding her in my arms when we’d lie out here nearly every night.
The skies are clear and calm. There’s a light breeze blowing through. I bring Emma closer to my body and keep her warm and safe. How can we live now after a life with Karly?
“Mommy and me used to dance around the kitchen. She made me laugh and told me how much she loves me. Mommy and me went outside a lot too.” Emma gets quiet for a few moments. “I miss her. A lot.”
I kiss her temple. “I know. Me too.” She’s calm, but still upset. “Why don’t we get ice cream, huh?”
“Fine.” Emma climbs off my lap and back inside. I run my hand through my hair. The loneliness of reality sinks in. I’m marrying my ex-wife again and my daughter hates that idea. This is great. This is exactly how I pictured my life.
When we get back home from the ice cream parlor, I put Emma to bed and head back downstairs after promising I’ll be back to sleep next to her. I pass by a painting Karly bought when we first moved in.
“Nicholas!” She jumped up and down, excited to show me the painting.
“What, Angel?” I wrapped my arms around her middle and kissed the side of her head. “What is it?”
“Look!” She pointed to the wall by the front door and held my hands in hers. “Isn’t it pretty?”
I looked at the painting in awe. It was of the three of us sitting on the deck. A photographer came over and took some pictures of us. Karly insisted we get one in paint form. It cost more than it should’ve, but there was no amount of money when it came to Karly and her happiness.
“I love it, Angel. Picture perfect, just like us.”
“Just like us,” I whisper.
I walk with my head hanging low. The halls are quiet. The rooms aren’t full of light like before. The joy she used to bring isn’t here anymore. Each room smells of her. I can hear her laughter and see her smiling at me. Fuck, I’m going crazy.
I make my way to the bar in the kitchen. My heart pounds in my chest as I drink my third glass of whiskey. Heading towards the living room, I notice Karly’s book on the side table. I pick it up and hold it against my chest.
She’d sit here for hours, reading her books, laughing out loud, and telling me about all the romantic moments she’d read. Her face would crinkle or she’d pout. Those were the moments I remembered the most.
Leaning back on the couch, I pull out my phone and look through my contacts and find Karly. There’s a picture attached to her name and I can’t help but smile. She’s sticking out her tongue with her eyes crossed. These are the moments I miss – our moments.
We’re lying in bed after making love two times. She’s resting on my chest as I rub small circles on her back.
“What are you thinking about, Angel?”
She sighs. “Us. Forever. Nicholas, I love you so much.” She kisses my chest, traveling up my body until our lips meet again.
“I know, baby. I love you too. I was dying before I met you. But,” I pause, smiling. “When our eyes met, it was like you opened up my dead heart. Do you remember the quarter game?”
“Oh my God! How could I forget!” We gently kiss and the little moans coming from her make me fucking hard again.
“You’re the piece of me I never want to lose. If I ever lost you…”
“Shhhh, you’ll never know that feeling because I’m not going anywhere.”
“You need to be home, Nicky. Emma needs you and so do I.” Jamie’s voice brings me back to reality. Standing in front of me, hands crossed across her chest, I look at her and wonder what the fuck I’m doing. I notice the dark circles under her eyes, and the tired expression she’s carrying. We’re all fucking tired. Soon it’ll be game over and maybe I can get a chance to start over.
I let out a sigh. “I’m trying, Jamie. It’s not that easy. You can’t come back and expect us to welcome you with open arms. It’s gonna take time. My family isn’t thrilled about you being here, so for you to go and tell people we’re getting remarried doesn’t make it easy.” I take a drink, looking around the room. “I notice you took most of Karly’s pictures down.”
“They’re safe in a box. Don’t worry.” She settles down next to me, tucking her leg underneath. “I’m sorry, all right. I didn’t know what else to do or where to go. You’re the only person I know who would help me. I don’t have anyone, Nicky. I don’t have much more time and I would appreciate some of your attention. You know, making things a little easy. I know I have a lot to make up for, but how can I when Emma pushes me away and you’re nowhere to be seen?” Her hand rests on my knee, I don’t jerk away. I ignore her touch and longing look.
“Listen, I know you’re sorry, but sorry isn’t gonna make things better. I’m trying to make a living and provide for you and Emma. You came in like a hurricane and left a disaster behind you. Do you know how much we miss Karly? Why can’t she know, Jamie?”
“Because I want just one more time with you and Emma! Is that so much to ask for?”
“Yes! Karly’s our life and you need to understand that.”
Frustrated, Jamie gets up, takes the glass of whiskey from my hand, and drinks it. “Just one more chance and then I’ll be gone, Nicholas.”
“Do you know I was gonna fucking propose?” I take out the ring from around my neck and show her. “Now she probably won’t ever come back.”
“She’ll come back. I promise.”
Letting out a grunt, I place my hand on the shelf, keeping my head down. “Why’d you keep the painting in the front?”
“It brings me peace, to be honest. I look at it and I feel better.”
“Why?”
“Because I know you and Emma will be okay!” Jamie takes my hand and I don’t move away. She cups my face with both hands, leaning into me. Her lips are close to mine. I push her away, shaking my head. “I’m not a monster. That’s all I want. I want to make sure the both of you are loved and happy.”
“Then don’t touch me, Jamie. You lost that chance. Just because you’re here doesn’t mean you have the right to fucking touch me and try to get me to love you or whatever game you’re playing.”
“Can I pretend that we’re back together?”
“No.” Pouring another glass of whiskey, I feel her eyes staring at me.
“I wish Emma would warm up to me.”
“Well,” I take a drink and set it on the coffee table, “you kinda didn’t keep in touch, and Emma’s attachment to Karly grew. How can you come back and ask me to do this?”
“Nicky, are you seriously asking me this?”
“Yeah, I am, Jamie. Why? Emma and I were happy and things were great.” I know I have to try and keep my temper at bay and be nicer, but damn it, it’s not fucking easy. “I’m lost, Jamie. Every day that I’m without Karly, I lose a piece of myself.”
“You didn’t have to say yes.”
“Well, I can’t be an asshole to the mother of my daughter now, can I?”
She scoffs and takes my drink. “This isn’t what I wanted.”
“Me and you both.”
As the night goes by, alcohol fills my mind. All the tears that I fucking cried aren’t bringing her back. I’ve called her a million times, but silence. Since the last text she sent me, there hasn’t been anything else from he
r. My vision blurs with the thought of her alone, with no one to hold her. The nightmares she has, will it come back?
I pour myself another glass of whiskey, staring at the empty bottle. With everything I have, I throw it against the wall. “Fuck!” I yell, tossing back the whiskey.
I thought I had everything. I had fucking everything. She was the one thing I got right and here I was, standing in the room where we watched TV and spent nights loving each other. It was gone.
I’m only half a man without her. She’s my better half; the missing puzzle piece to my life. All I really want is Karly and for her to stick around. Closing my eyes, I see Karly. I feel the softness of her hair and hear the sweetness of voice. I miss her so much, to the point of not being able to breathe.
What’s left of a broken man? Nothing.
I don’t deserve her, not after everything I’ve put her through. I told her I love her and I want forever with her, then I leave her. I’m fucked up. She deserves better than me. But seeing her with someone else will break me and I’ll probably end up killing the cocksucker.
Falling on the couch, I let the glass slip from my hands as I tip my head back and close my eyes, remembering her. That’s all I have left – memories. Memories of the times we shared and how happy we made each other. I don’t blame her for leaving Wilmington. I don’t want to hold her back or keep her waiting. She doesn’t deserve me or this life that I have. It’s for the best. She’ll live her life to the fullest and I’ll be here.
Even though she’s my life and the air I breathe, I have to keep my word. Lying to her and seeing her broken soul tears me apart. This is why I have to stay away from her. I can’t poison her any more.
Common sense tells me to do whatever I can to find her –to tell her how sorry I am and beg for her to come back home. But, there’s Jamie and Emma. Emma’s my number one and I’m doing this for her. I don’t want her growing up with regrets. This is what I need to keep telling myself. If I say it enough times, I’ll believe it.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jamie. She sweeps the shards of glass from the kitchen. Without saying anything, she sits next to me and takes my hand.
