by S. Moose
“You know what I mean. She’s going through a lot and doesn’t need your drama or bullshit. Every night, she’s fucking crying and I’m the one who’s there for her while you’re here back with your fucked-up ex. I’ve never seen her this depressed. You fucking ruined her. ”
The way he’s describing my once happy girl is fucking destroying me. Shit, knowing that she’s in pain and there’s nothing I can do. Everyone’s telling me to stay away from her and no one’s telling me where she is. “Where the hell is she, Bradley? Are you fucking her? Huh?”
“You’re so fucked up. No, we’re not fucking! I’m her best friend and the only damn person who cares about her right now, aside from her friends. I’m the one picking up the pieces of her broken self, not you. You need to let her go and leave her alone. No more text messages, Nicholas. If you love her, then be fair and let her go.”
“I can’t.” I kick the sand and look away from him. “You don’t know what it’s like. She’s all I fucking think about.”
“I know what you mean. We were together for years before I fucked up. I wasn’t there to pick up the pieces, but now I am and, man, if you saw her…” His voice trails off. I fucking knew it.
“Where is she, Bradley? Fucking tell me!”
He stands his ground as I walk closer to him. “I’m not telling you shit. If she wants you to know where she is, she’ll let you know.”
My heart stops. Red. It’s all I see. I knock him on the ground and pull on his shirt, bringing his body up to my face. “Where. Is. She?”
“Get the fuck off me!”
“I’m serious. Tell me where the fuck Karly is!”
Arms grab me off Bradley, but I pull forward. I’m not letting him go until I get the answers I need. My fists hold his shirt tighter. I need to know where she is and if she’s okay. I need to put her heart back together and let her know that this marriage isn’t real. She’s the one I want to be with, not Jamie.
“Settle down!” Larry punches me in my side forcing me to let Bradley go. He pushes me to the ground and tells Bradley to leave. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
I get up from the sand and look at him. “He knows where Karly is!”
“Yeah, well, so do I. Are you gonna punch me until I tell you?”
What the hell is going on? How does everyone know what’s going on with Karly except me? “Why’s everyone hiding this information from me?”
“Because I’m the one who’s been saving your drunk ass. You need to stop walking around like the walking dead and forget about Karly. I can tell you right now, as long as you’re with Jamie, she’s not coming back. No matter what you do.”
“I want her back.”
“Can’t have both women, brother. I don’t know what shit Jamie has on you, but I know this isn’t you. Listen, I don’t care why you did it, but you did. So keep that to yourself because I’m in enough drama when it comes to Lexi and Karly. I don’t need to know anything else.”
Feeling defeated, I let down my guards and walk back to the shoreline. Larry calls my name, but I keep walking. I need a moment to regain my thoughts and take in everything that happened. How did I let it get so bad?
Back at home I grab a bottle of beer from the fridge and settle on the couch. It’s quiet, but this is how it normally is. There’s no one laughing or playing. Emma’s at my parents house and Jamie, well, I don’t know where the hell she is, nor do I care.
My phone rings and it’s Lexi. I ignore it. As much as I love my sister I can’t deal with her lecturing me. For now I need the somber quiet to escape.
The door rings, but I don’t answer it. It keeps ringing and then there’s banging. What the fuck do people want? Finishing my beer I head to the door and open it.
“What do you want?”
“Alright if that’s how you want it.”
I let him in and head to the kitchen for another beer. “Stephen if you’re here to lecture me and tell me to leave Karly alone you can get the fuck out.”
He takes the beer from me and tosses it in the sink. “How long have we been friends?” I shrug, not caring to answer. “Seriously how long?”
“A while.”
“Exactly you’re my friend and like Larry, I’m tired of seeing you like this. Talk to me man.”
Telling him about the night at Larry and Lexi’s house means reopening that image of watching her walk away. I can’t tell him. It’s a memory I need to keep buried.
“I’ve seen you going down man and I’m not gonna stand here watching you do that anymore. What happened when she left? I mean look at you. I’ve never seen you like this, not even when Jamie left. You’re different.”
“I’m fine. I miss her like fucking crazy, but I made the decision and now I have to live with it.”
“Don’t forget about your friends. We’re here for you man.”
We sit in the living room in silence for a while. I’m not sure how much time passes before Jamie comes in.
“You okay?” I shrug. “Hey Stephen. Wanna stay for dinner?” She takes my hand, squeezing it, but I don’t respond. My eyes don’t meet hers. I feel her looking at me, but I can’t return the look.
“Na, but thank you. Nicholas I’ll talk to you later.”
Standing up I walk Stephen out. “Thanks for coming by. I appreciate it,” I let him know.
He slaps my back, and smiles. “Bro code. When a bro is down you do what you want to lift his ass up.” I laugh, for the first time in a while I laugh.
“Thanks again.”
Closing the door I walk to the kitchen and find Jamie waiting for me. “I need to be by myself. This whole thing is fucking messing with me.”
“I know and I’m sorry. I wish things could be different. Where’s Emma?”
“At my parents’.”
“Can we get her?”
“I’ve had a few drinks. Are you up for driving?”
“I can drive, Nicky. Come on. Let’s get our daughter.”
When she says ‘our daughter’ I cringe. Sure she’s her birth mother, but Karly’s her mom.
Pulling into my parents’ driveway, Jamie and I head inside and hear the laughter of Emma and my dad. She’s running around the hall while he’s chasing her. A part of me feels guilty because this should me and my daughter running around the house. I should be the one making her laugh and smile. I’m her dad, but lately that title doesn’t belong to me. She’s happy here. There’s no drama or death looming over her head. My four-year-old daughter can be free and not worry about the things we’re all dealing with.
Jamie takes my hand as I follow her to the kitchen where my mom is setting up dinner.
“Oh hi, you guys. Just in time for dinner! Are you hungry?” She hugs Jamie and kisses my cheek. “Honey, do you wanna stay and have dinner with everyone tonight?”
“Sure,” I answer, heading back to the hall to say hi to Emma. “Hey, Princess.” I wave, waiting for her to come barreling through into my arms.
“Hi, Daddy.” She runs and jumps to me. I catch her and hold her tight. This is what I miss. I miss holding her and letting her know how much I love her.
“I love you, Princess.”
“You too, Daddy.”
My dad comes and pats me on my back. “Good to see you, son.”
“You too.”
We head outside on the deck and take a seat. Emma talks about what she did with my parents and her face lights up. For a moment, I feel at peace being near the little girl who also has my heart. Finally, I can slowly breathe, but it’s not enough. It’ll never be enough until Karly’s back in my life and in my arms.
Home.
I STARE AT THE MESSAGES. I need to respond. He needs to know I’m okay. I’m about to text him when Lexi walks in.
“Put it down, babe.”
Immediately, I start crying, wishing everyone could stop bothering me and let me make my own decisions. “He asked if I’m okay. I want to tell him that I miss him. Does he know?”
&nb
sp; Lexi sits down next to me, taking my hand, moving my hair from my face. “He knows.”
It kills me to know I can’t be the one to tell him I’m okay and I miss him and think about him everyday. But this is how things are. Silence. That’s all that’s between us.
“Have you thought about coming back?”
Of course I’ve thought about it. I can’t though. I can’t see Nicholas or Jamie or Emma or even the Hayes. It’s too much to handle and I need to do what’s best for me. I’m putting myself first for the first time in years.
“I think about it all the time, Lexi. I can’t though.” I choke out, trying to hold back my tears.
She touches my hand, tears filling her eyes. “Please come back, Karly. We all miss you, especially Nicholas. He’s been drinking again and,” she lowers her voice, “it’s like he’s not even my brother. A piece of him is gone. A piece that you have.”
Imagining Nicholas hurting is worse than what I’m going through. I thought he’d be happy with Jamie and they’d be having lots of sex and ugh, extending their family. I shake my head. Stop doing this to yourself!
“I understand.” She squeezes my hand again and sits beside me not saying anything. “Well we can’t sit here all day! You need to start doing more things!”
Lexi’s been here for a few hours and had me organize my room, cook lunch, and take a shower. Simple things that I should be doing on my own, but can’t. I bring my leg up and place it underneath my body. Putting my head on Lexi’s shoulder, I breathe in and out, playing with my fingers.
“It’s not easy. Everything I do reminds me of Nicholas.”
“Well, then, let’s do something that doesn’t remind you of Nicholas. Come on; put on your bathing suit and let’s relax outside on the beach.”
“Hawaii,” I mutter.
She kneels in front of me. “Then don’t think about Hawaii and enjoy where you are. Baby steps, okay?” I nod.
Dragging me out to the beach, Lexi lays out two towels and tells me to sit. “Hungry?”
“No,” I answer simply.
“Well, you need to eat something. You’re so skinny now! Karly, do I seriously have to be with you twenty-four-seven? Really?”
I should say something smart and tell her to mind her own business, but I don’t. She’s right. All I want to do is stay in bed and listen to the beach. The sounds of the ocean, the waves crashing against the shore. It brings me back to happier times; times without Jamie.
“I’m worried about you.”
“Please don’t be. I’m okay. It hurts right now, and I’m trying.”
“And it’s gonna hurt a lot more before it gets better. I know you wanna be okay; we all want you to be okay. Just don’t shut us out.”
I roll over on my side, looking at Lexi. “I know everyone’s worried, but please don’t. Honestly, just look after Nicholas.” And I mean it. If I can’t be there to heal him and be with him, at least he has his family. All I want is for him to be okay. Maybe one day I’ll have enough courage to go back and fight for the man I love.
One day.
After she forces me to eat, Lexi falls asleep on the couch during She’s the Man. I look over and hear her snoring. I pick up my phone and read the text messages from Nicholas.
Nicholas: I need to hear your voice. Call me when you can.
Nicholas: Angel, I need you, please.
Getting up from the couch, I walk out the door and call Nicholas. My heart nearly explodes from my chest. It’s been so long since hearing his voice. My eyes tear up and I’m ready to hang up when I hear his voice. My Nicholas.
“Angel.”
“Nicholas,” I cry out.
“Oh, Angel. I needed to hear your voice. I need you. I miss you. Do you miss me?”
I swallow the lump in my throat and I feel my stomach is in knots. God, I miss him. “Yes. I do miss you. How are you?”
“Now I’m better because I get to hear your voice. Baby, I’m so sorry for everything.”
And the tears come from my eyes. I want to jump in my car and go to him. Go to the one who has my heart, but then I hear her voice.
“I guess you have to go.”
“I’m sorry. Please know that I love you.”
I don’t say anything. I hang up and lean against the wall, hating myself. Hating what I did. Hating my weakness.
I’ll never be able to let go of him.
Each day is a struggle to get out of bed and do something new. I’ve been exploring Myrtle Beach and nearby towns. I’ve been walking everywhere, taking in my new scenery. It’s nice here. There’s no memory of my past and I can start over; a clean slate.
I walk by a small café and see a group of women gathering around. Curious, I head over and see a sign.
“Paint the Day Away.”
There’s a woman with sleek black hair, petite, with tattoos and piercings. It looks like she’s giving some instructions. I make my way over and listen in.
“All right, ladies. Be sure to register and fill out this form. It’s going to be thirty dollars for today. We’ll be here for two hours, so enjoy with some drinks and food!”
Quickly, I grab the form, fill out the information, and hand her assistant, I’m assuming, the form and money. I’m given directions where to go and find myself in an outdoor area, facing the sandy beach. I find an empty stool, put down my things, and wait for her to tell us what to do.
Looking around, I see women with their friends and family members, I’m guessing. Everyone seems happy and excited. I try to smile so I don’t look like a miserable bitch with a permanent “Look at me; I’m so broken” expression. Raising my arms in the air, stretching my body, I touch the empty canvas and look at the simple colors in front of me. Tilting my head to the side, I stare at the canvas and wonder how I’m going to fill this. What colors will I use? Am I aiming for a picture or something abstract? Slowly sliding my fingers across the canvas, I close my eyes and carefully let go.
“That’s right! Follow Pink Tee Girl! Touch your canvas! Be your canvas. Let the canvas be the door to your soul. Right now, it’s empty, so free your mind and be one with your canvas.” I open my eyes and see the artist walking to the front. She looks at me, winks, and goes over the instructions. It’s fairly simple. We’re going to paint a forest. She sets an example in the front and states not to copy her image, but use it as a guide.
I can do this…I think.
Swishing the paintbrush in the water, I paint the canvas and make sure each spot is slightly wet. Taking the same brush, I draw a U shape with yellow and paint the inside. I continue painting and filling in the yellow, adding the green in the middle, blending the colors. Taking a small break, I look at what I’ve done and continue. Soon, I paint the trees – seven on each side. I let my mind go free and stop thinking. Letting my hand take control, I mix the red with white, red with blue, and red with yellow. Each color brightens the canvas and soon the leaves are done.
“Do you feel better?”
I nod. “A little. I didn’t think about my problems while I was painting. I don’t know; it’s as if the simple forest let me get lost for a little bit.”
The artist places her hand on my shoulder. “That’s the point, hun. When you paint, you need to empty your mind and paint your emotions. The colors blended really well, but the bottom with the white and brown, what are you trying to say?”
Looking at the bottom of my painting, I notice the white swirls escaping the ground. What am I trying to say?
“Are you the white swirls?”
“I think so. Wait.” I pause, needing to sound confident with my answer. “Yes, I’m the white swirls. I’m trying to escape feeling so low and I need to go to the brightness – to the sun.”
“Will you get there?”
Turning my head to look at her, I shrug my shoulders. We hold our stare for a few moments and I turn back to my painting. I take the smaller paintbrush and let one of the white swirls slowly go up towards the bright colors.
�
�You’ll get there,” she states, smiling.
I’ll get there.
“Come on, White Strokes,” she says, grabbing my arm.
“Whoa! What?”
“I have Zumba in ten minutes and you’re coming with me. You look so uptight. You need to relax and let go like you did with the painting.”
I stare at Ms. Tattoo Artist and really consider her suggestion. I can do Zumba; it’s not like I have anything else going on.
“Fine. But what’s your name?”
“Jana. Yours?”
“Karly.”
“All right then, Karly. Let’s go shake it!”
We walk a few blocks to the dance center and Jana shows me where to put my things. She has an extra pair of sneakers. As I slip them on, I remember all the times Emma and I would dance at the house. We’d sing and laugh, dancing like no one was watching.
“You all right? You spaced out.”
I nod. “Just thinking about the past.”
“Ex-boyfriend issues?”
I shrug. “I guess you could say that.”
Before Jana has a chance to ask any more questions, the instructor comes in the room, turns on the music, and starts moving.
Shit! No instructions? Nervously, I look at Jana and she’s watching our instructor and following her moves. Yeah, I can do this. Just let go, Karly. Listening to my inner dance queen, I follow what everyone else is doing and find my own rhythm. After a few songs, I get the hang of it and really start moving. This is actually really fun! Now, if I can shake my hips like the rest of the women and move like that, I’ll be good.
We start getting low to the ground and, before I know it, my lower body twists in the weirdest way and I’m on the ground, whimpering.
“What the hell happened?”
My hand covers my inner thigh, close to my lady parts.
“Oh my God, did you pull your vagina?”
“What the hell! Is that freaking possible?” I rub the sore spot and, when I try to get up, I feel sharp pain by my lady part. Damn, you can pull your vagina. “Ugh! I’m done!” Grabbing my things, I rush out and find a stand to get a bag of ice. Shit, this really freaking hurts. Note to self: stretch before twerking.
