by S. Moose
“Karly! Wait up!” Jana catches up to me, plopping down on the sand while I’m icing. “You okay?” I shrug. “It happens. You gotta keep doing it.”
“Yeah, well, remind me to stretch and practice at home before I make a fool out of myself.” She bumps my shoulder. “Sorry about that, though. You didn’t have to leave.”
“No biggie. You seemed sad and wanted to talk. I know we just met, but are you okay?”
Do I want to go into the details of my fucked-up situation with Nicholas and tell her I’m smiling on the outside so my friends think I’m okay, but on the inside, I feel like I’m dead and there’s no reason to come out of hiding.
“I’m okay.”
“Liar. I can tell with your painting. You’re trying to find something or someone. You were hurt pretty bad and you’re trying to escape from the pain, so you burrow yourself in useless work and things to feel better.”
“What the shit? Really? You got all of that from today?” She nods. “Well, I’m starting over here and I don’t think going back home to Wilmington’s gonna be a good idea.”
“Because of the guy.” I don’t respond. Thinking about Wilmington and possibly going back gives me a damn near panic attack. “It’s complicated.”
“Guys usually are. Is there a way for you to try again before truly giving up?”
“I don’t know.” We’ve had our chances. Can I do that again?
“How far is the drive back home?”
“About an hour, little more.”
“Then go. Go try again, and if there’s no way you two can get back together, come back here and we’ll watch sappy movies and I’ll bring Ben and Jerry’s.”
I sit here, thinking about if I can honestly do this. We never had a face-to-face conversation about this. I just left and we’ve been mostly texting. Well, he’s been blowing up my phone, and I’ve been ignoring him for the most part.
Life is all about chances, I guess. If I don’t do this now, then I’ll never know.
Finally getting into Wilmington, I pull up to the firm and take a few deep breaths. I can do this. I need to do this. My legs are shaking, my heart racing, and my nerves…Well, let’s say I’d rather be in a cage with a hungry tiger than be here right now.
Slowly getting out of my car, I walk inside and head straight to the elevators, avoiding the receptionist. Thank God no one notices me. Pushing the button to his floor, I lean against the railing and close my eyes. This is going to be okay. I’ll get the answers I want and I’ll be okay. After today, there will be no more questions and maybe I’ll be able to move on and not think about Nicholas and the destruction he left on my heart.
When the doors open, I step out, walking to his office. The door’s open and Leslie isn’t at her desk. Taking another deep breath, I walk in, immediately seeing him at his desk with his hand stroking his chin. I love his thinking look. He’s so focused and in the zone. I can stand here and watch him forever, never getting bored.
I shut the door and his eyes pop up, meeting mine. A smile creeps on my face and I know I’m making the right decision. Seeing him, a few feet away from me, staring at me, makes it hard to catch my breath.
“Angel?” He gets up from his desk, turning the corner and walking to me. My palms are sweaty and my breathing quickens. Shit, don’t faint. Do not faint! His arms touch my shoulders and soon I find myself wrapping my arms around his waist, resting my head against his chest. The emotions of what I’ve been feeling escape my body and, for the first time since leaving, I feel safe. “Angel. What are you doing here? Are you okay?” Repeatedly, he kisses the top of my head, holding me tighter against his hard body.
“I needed to see you.” God, that feels so good to admit. I’ve missed him so much and, now that we’re here, I don’t know how I’m going to leave again. “I needed to come see you. I needed to talk to you and feel you like this. I miss you so much, Nicholas. You don’t understand.”
His hands find my face and he softly kisses my lips. “I get it because I’ve been a mess since you’ve been gone. I’m sorry for texting you and bothering you, but I need to make sure you’re safe and okay.”
“I’m safe now. Here with you. This is where I need to be. This is where I belong.”
His arms let me go and he backs away. No! No, please come back! “Nicholas. Come back to me, please. I know Jamie has something over you. I know this isn’t what you want. You can’t want this!”
“I made a promise. I have to do this, Angel. You don’t know how much this kills me.” He walks back to me, keeping his distance, though.
“I’m begging you, Nicholas. Listen to me.” My hands find his. Our fingers intertwine, a perfect fit. “I know you love me. I can feel it in the way you look at me and the way you say ‘Angel.’ No one will ever love you the way I do. The way I always will. You have to see that we’re forever.”
He doesn’t say anything. His silence is killing me. I start crying; well, more like ugly sobbing. Nicholas looks away and I see his body tensing, shoulders shaking. This is so hard. We can’t do this. We have to be together.
“Angel, I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could tell you everything. There’s so much to tell you and so much I need you to understand, but I can’t.” The pained expression on his face tells me he doesn’t want this. Jamie does have something over him.
“No, you’re lying! I know you are. Nicholas, look at me.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can! We still have a chance.” Looking at me again, I see relief splashing over his face. “I’m still here.”
“Will you still be here later, though? What about in a few months?”
“What do you mean?”
“Wait for me, Angel. I know none of this makes sense right now, but soon it will. And soon, I’ll be able to tell you everything. You have to trust me and trust our love.”
What the hell is he talking about? Why can’t we be together now? “You won’t take me back?”
“Not now. I can’t. I made a promise…”
“YOU MADE ME A PROMISE! YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN’T LEAVE AND BREAK MY HEART!” Sobs break through me and I can’t stop. “You said that it’s us forever. You, me, and Emma! Why don’t I matter to you?”
“Stop! You do fucking matter. You’re my whole world and seeing you like this is fucking killing me. But I told Jamie that I would do this. I know this isn’t easy for you to understand, but I have to put Emma first!”
Backing away, my back hits the wall and I sink down to the ground. There’s no way he’ll ever put me before Emma. I’ve lost him. He’s gone and I’m stuck here, not being able to accept the truth when it’s staring at me in the face.
“Do you love her?”
He kneels before me, brushing my hair away from my face and softly kissing my hands, up my arm and to my cheek.
“I need you to be okay.”
“Answer me,” I choke out. “Do you love her?”
“I’m never going to love anyone as much as I love you.”
“Then why can’t we be together?”
His body shakes and he gets up, walking away from me again. “What the fuck do you want me to say? That I messed up the one of the best things that’s happened to me? Besides Emma, you are the only thing that I have gotten right in my life. Every fucking day, I wake up, hoping to wake up from this nightmare. Do you know I can’t sleep in my bed because I’m afraid? Sleeping there without you, smelling your scent, remembering all the times we made love and then opening my eyes to see you’re not there. That book you left in the living room, I hold it every night, thinking about you. Wondering what page you left off on so I can continue reading it and, when we see each other, I can tell you what happens.” He takes out his phone and slides it over to me. “Or how about my wallpaper is of you, me, and Emma, and I stare at the pictures of us all night, hoping you’re okay and you’ll come back. Do you know I can’t bring myself to go near the cabana?” He paces the office, running his hands through his ha
ir. “You don’t know how much I love you. How much I want you back, but I can’t. I made the decision and the promise and I have to live with it for now.”
He keeps saying “for now” and for me to wait for him! I’m so fucking confused. What does he mean? “How can I wait for you when I have no idea what’s going on?”
“You have to believe me and trust me.”
Tears come back as I wrap my arms around myself, hating where I am and regretting this with everything I have. I slowly get up, pulling him back in my arms and whispering how much I love him. Because I do. Nicholas Landon Hayes is my life, but how long do I wait for him?
His chin rests on my head. There’s nothing between us; just us. “I hate that this is happening. You’re not with me and you’re with her. I don’t know what else I have to do, but all I know is I love you and I hope that you’re right.”
“Keep that hope alive, Angel.”
“I’ll try.”
HOLDING HER IN MY ARMS AGAIN AND HEARING THAT SHE’LL WAIT GIVES ME ALL THE MORE REASON NOT TO LOSE HOPE. But watching her leave kills me. She needs to head back because staying in Wilmington where Jamie is hurts her too much. I get it and I don’t blame her for leaving.
It’s only been ten minutes since she’s been gone and I miss her already.
Me: Thank you for coming to see me, Angel. I like knowing you’re okay.
Karly: I’m glad I came too. I wish you could tell me everything, but I know you will soon.
Me: Give it time and you’ll know the truth. I love you, Angel.
Karly: I love you too, Nicholas. Okay, I have to drive, but I’ll ttyl xoxo.
Me: Always.
Karly: Always.
The day soon comes to an end and I find myself in my usual spot with Larry and Stephen. The bar’s a little busier than usual tonight, but after the shitfest at work and seeing Karly, I need a night away for a few hours before going home to Jamie.
“She drove all the way to come see you?”
“Damn, you’re a bastard for letting her go,” Stephen says. “If you weren’t my best friend…”
“Don’t fucking finish that sentence,” I interrupt him, putting my beer down. “She’s mine and I don’t care what the hell’s going on. Everything’s gonna work out. Just watch.”
Larry shakes his bald head. “Confident, bro.”
“Why? You don’t think so?” The plan has to work. My plan will work.
I watch Larry close his eyes slightly, tilting his head as he stares at me and Stephen. “A girl as hot as Karly doesn’t wait. She’s not gonna wait. I don’t give a shit what you say, but Jamie’s not leaving. You think that manipulative bitch is gonna go quietly? Fucking think about it, man. Seriously, you fucked up.”
“You think I don’t know that?”
“Well, you have two choices. Jamie or Karly and you went with the bitch whore who screwed you up your ass and peaced out.”
I’m doing this for Emma. I’m doing this for Emma.
“I have my reasons.”
Larry gets up from his stool and spreads his arms out, “We’re here, Nicholas. So enlighten us, please. Unless that bitch is dying, I don’t see a good reason for you doing this.”
I’m five seconds away from telling my best friends the truth, but I stop myself.
“It’ll be fine,” I answer simply. I shrug my shoulders, finish my beer, and order another round. “She loves me and I love her. That’s what matters.”
Both guys shake their heads and grab their beers. Am I the only one who thinks this’ll work?
It’s almost eleven when I make it home. Jamie’s in the living room, looking over things. There are magazines and papers surrounding her.
“Hey. What are you doing?”
“Planning our wedding! Your mom and Lexi have done so much. In fifteen days, we’ll be married.”
Fuck. Fuck!
“That’s soon, Jamie. Ummm.” I walk back in the kitchen and grab another beer. Fuck, this is too much. How the hell am I going to tell Karly this is happening? Maybe the guys are right. Maybe she’s not going to wait and I’ll be stuck married to Jamie until things get back to the way they were. If I lose Karly, everything I know will be gone. She’ll move on and meet someone who won’t treat her like this and I’ll turn invisible, a distant memory in her mind. Someone that let the past come back and fuck things up. I’ll be someone she talks about, maybe her regret. I’m going to be her distant regret and someone else is going to touch her, make love to her, make her laugh, dry her tears, and give her the life I wanted to give her. Once I marry Jamie, it’ll all be over. She’ll hate me.
My mom and Lexi worked hard, preparing for the wedding. All the flowers were bought and organized on the beach. The chairs were lined on both sides with a white runner down the middle. They spent hours with the preparations and never complained. They knew how important this was to me and I was forever grateful.
I appreciated the support from my family, but I knew how they felt and I didn’t blame them for being upset. My dad stayed out of the way and told me he hoped I was making the right decision. Lexi wouldn’t talk to me and my mom couldn’t look at me. I was hurting my family. When Jamie and I tell them what’s going on, I hope they’ll forgive us. They’re having a hard time seeing me go through with the wedding. My family is Team Karly and it seems I’m the only one on Team Jamie’s side.
The situation with Jamie didn’t make sense to them. Hell, sometimes it doesn’t make sense to me. All of the things I wanted to say and I knew it wouldn’t come out right. My head was spinning with the news and events for the past week. Everything was done in lightning speed at Jamie’s request. She wanted to get married fast and get everything settled.
I’m standing in the room, looking at the workers putting things together. I never thought about being in this position again. When I left California, I thought I was leaving everything behind, including Jamie. My plan was to start over back home and build a life for me and Emma. Obviously, life has a different plan for me.
Looking out the window, I wonder what Karly’s doing. Is she smiling? Is she laughing? I check my watch and see it’s almost noon. She’s probably on the couch, watching a sappy movie.
“Baby, I’m not watching The Notebook again with you.”
Karly pouts, crossing her arms across her chest, tapping her foot. “Listen, mister, we’re gonna watch The Notebook and you’re gonna hold me and tell me you love me and you’d be a bird with me!”
Every time she’s on her period, we have to watch The Notebook. A man shouldn’t be subjected to this abuse. It’s immoral.
“Please, babe. I’m cramping and I just wanna watch this movie with my sexy boyfriend.”
I pull her in my arms and kiss the tip of her nose. “Say it again.”
“Sexy. Boyfriend.” She throws herself into a fit of laughs. Damn, I’ll never grow tired of her.
I adjust my cufflinks, trying to remain calm. All I can think about is Karly. Today is supposed to be our day. I’m supposed to be watching her walk to me as we promise each other forever. The room feels smaller with each thought that comes to mind. I want to be anywhere but here. I never thought this could happen or pass through my life. I tried my best to keep a smile on my face for the sake of Jamie.
I pull the necklace out from my shirt and hold the ring in between my fingers. Closing my eyes, I talk to Karly, hoping she can hear me.
I miss you and think about you every day. I hope you know I don’t want this. I don’t want to be married to Jamie, but I’m doing this for Emma. I’m sorry, so sorry for everything and I hope you can forgive me one day. I love you, Angel. Forever.
“Ready, Hayes?”
I turn and look at Larry. He’s walking towards me with an unreadable expression. Everyone knows I’m making the biggest mistake, but only Jamie and I know the real reason why. Maybe one day we can tell my family, maybe. For now, it’s something I need to bury deep inside until Jamie’s ready.
I turn away and
think about Karly. She’s the best part of me. She took a chance on me and wiped my soul clean. All I wanted was to be the man she deserved to have. Being here without her has been torture. It was as though the mouth of hell was opening and I was stepping inside for a life of pain and suffering. This moment here, standing in my room and preparing for my wedding, stood for the end of what I wanted.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
“All right, let’s go do this again.”
We leave the bedroom and head downstairs. I hear Lexi and my mom in the other room with Emma and Jamie. I can hear the excitement in Jamie’s voice and the rest of them agreeing. The disdain in their voices is clear, but unclear to Jamie. She thinks people are happy with us getting back together. I don’t have the heart to tell her the truth.
Larry and I stand at the top of the beach. He doesn’t say much. There’s not much to say. Staring at our guests, I see that some look confused and some are trying to be polite, while I’m here, not feeling anything but pain.
“All right, man. I’ll see you up there.”
I nod and watch him walk away. I kick the sand around my feet and wait for my mom to meet me.
“Nicholas?”
I kiss my mom’s cheek and take her arm in mine. “You look beautiful, Mom.”
“Thank you, sweetie. So how are you feeling?”
Will it be bad to tell her the truth? “I’m okay. Thank you for everything.”
She pats my hand and lets out a sigh. “I love you, Nicholas. You’re my son and I’ll always stand by and support you. I hope you know that.”
I help her sit down and kiss her cheek again. “Thank you, Mom.”
Heading over to Larry and the priest, I don’t feel the usual emotions people feel on their wedding day. My heart isn’t beating fast. I’m calm, not nervous. Instead of feeling happy, I have an “I don’t give a shit” attitude. I put a smile on my face to show the world that I’m happy, when inside, all I want is to run away from here and go back to my Angel.
I turn around and look at our family and friends. The music softly starts and Emma’s walking down the aisle, throwing rose petals on the sand. She’s miserable. I don’t blame her. She makes her way to me and I scoop her into my arms.
