by S. Moose
“You look beautiful, Princess.”
“Thanks, Daddy.” She kisses my cheek and rests her head on my shoulder.
Lexi soon follows and I have to look away. I hate seeing the look of disappointment in my sister’s eyes. She hates this just as much as I do. She stands in front of me and mouths, “Are you sure you want this?” I nod and she understands when I look away.
The music changes as my dad and Jamie slowly walk down the aisle. I close my eyes and envision Karly dressed in a gorgeous white dress walking to me, not Jamie. In a perfect world, Karly’s holding on to my dad’s arm with a smile on her face. She’s looking at just me as our eyes connect and our hearts beat. I’ll keep my own version of my wedding to myself.
Dad hands Jamie to me and shakes my hand. He doesn’t say anything when he sits down next to my mom. The priest tells everyone to sit down and begins his speech about love and finding your other half. He goes on to say that love is a precious feeling and, when you find your soul mate, hold on tight before they slip away. He looks at Jamie and me and continues with his speech about love and how it works in this life. Some people deserve a second chance and this is our second chance.
Jamie looks at me, squeezing my hand. I smile back and look at the priest as he talks more about the beauty of love and life.
Out of nowhere, I feel someone looking at me. Staring at me. I know we have family all around, but this stare is different. My body wakes up and comes alive. I can’t turn around and see who it is and try to shake it off.
“Nicholas and Jamie, here we are again as you embark on another journey to love. Nicholas, do you take Jamie to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
I swallow and look to the side. Our eyes meet. She’s here, but so far away. She’s staring at us and I can feel her heart breaking along with mine. Looking at Karly is killing me. She made everything real and turned my cold heart around. I need to run to her and hold her in my arms. I want to tell her that everything will be okay and I’ll come back to her. I’m completely in love with her and only want her. The pain in my heart strikes over and over again. The tears in her eyes make me nearly fall to the ground. I’m breaking her heart and there’s nothing I can do.
I mouth I love you Angel and turn back to Jamie. “I do.”
As I slide the ring on her finger, she smiles and waits for the priest to ask her the same question.
“I do. Forever.”
She slides the ring on my finger and I close my eyes. When I open my eyes and look to the side, Karly’s still there, watching us. She’s watching as I marry the woman who I promised to help.
“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.” Jamie pulls me down to her as our lips meet. There’s light applause and cheering.
Jamie loops her arm through mine as we walk down the aisle. I look around for her, but she’s gone. I’ve lost her forever.
BRADLEY WALKS IN MY ROOM HOLDING, I THINK, TWO DOZEN ROSES. Mixed in are pink lilies. Nicholas.
“Special delivery for a very beautiful girl,” he smirks, handing me the card and setting the flowers down. Quickly, I rip open the envelope and read the card.
“To the woman I love and will always love. Forgive me for my mistakes and remember to hold on to the hope. I’ll make it all better…one day. Keep your promise to me and don’t let me go. Know that it’s you and always will be you.
Forever yours,
Nicholas”
I smile from ear to ear, but something deep inside me goes off. This is weird, even for Nicholas. What’s he trying to say? I grab my phone and text Lexi, asking if she knows anything. After a few minutes, she still doesn’t respond. I pace my room and jump back on my bed, taking out my laptop. For the first time since leaving, I log on to Facebook and go through the newsfeed. There’s nothing too interesting. I’m about to log off when I see Lexi’s status.
Today isn’t supposed to be this way, but I’ll stand next to my brother and love him, even if I think he’s an idiot. #WhatALoser #ShesAWinner #ThisSucks
“What the hell is going on?” I whisper, scrolling through her profile. There are picture of Jamie and she’s…What?! Why the hell is she in a wedding dress? “Oh. My. God! OH MY GOD! BRADLEY!”
Slipping into a dress and flip-flops, I grab my purse and run downstairs. Bradley’s on the couch, watching TV. I snag the remote control, turn off the TV, and grab his arm. “We have to go to Wilmington! Please don’t ask questions! Just get up and let’s go!”
Bradley grabs his keys and we head out. The drive is quiet. I know he wants to know what’s going on, but I need to make sure I know what I saw. Pulling up Jamie’s Facebook profile, I read her status and my fears are coming true.
“Everyone deserves a second chance and today I’m getting mine. #FutureMrsNicholasHayes”
“No! NO!”
“Karly, talk to me. What is it?”
“Bradley, please,” I beg him. “Please drive faster! Nicholas and Jamie are getting married today. Please go faster!”
“Shit,” he mutters. “Okay, okay.” He takes my hand and floors it. There’s nothing I can do except wait. I’m still trying to wrap my head around all of this. How could this happen? It’s only been two weeks since we’ve seen each other. Can that much seriously happen?
“You look like you’re about to throw up. Karly, look at me.” I don’t. I can’t. My eyes stay locked outside, watching everything move as we drive. His hand rests on my knee. I need this. I need his touch to hold me before I fall. “Easy and take deep breaths. It’ll be okay.”
Will it? Will it really be okay?
As the signs show Wilmington, my chest shrinks and I feel scared. I don’t know where we’re going, but I have a feeling I know where to go.
“Drive to the beach, Bradley.”
He does and soon he’s parking. There are so many cars and I see a white tent in the distance. This is it. I’m about to face my worst nightmare. Nicholas marrying another woman when it should be me.
“Stay in the car and don’t come out. I need to do this alone. Okay?” I leave the car before he answers. As I walk down the trail to the beach, I hear music and follow it. The music gets louder and I know I’m going in the right direction. As I get closer, I see guests and family settling down. Larry’s standing at the altar, his face sad and tired. Oh, Larry, please tell me I’m dreaming.
I’m standing in the shadows, watching this wedding unfold before my eyes. I need to move, but I can’t. I’m paralyzed. Jamie’s walking down the aisle with Nicholas’ dad. Her hair is perfect and her dress is beautiful. Fuck, I hate this. She has the biggest smile on her face and Nicholas, my Nicholas, looks dead and expressionless. I keep my eyes on him, hoping he can sense that I’m here.
“Look up,” I mutter. “Please look at me. I’m here, Nicholas. I’m here.”
The priest welcomes the guests and starts talking about love. Love does not describe their union! I close my eyes and imagine myself standing next to the man of my dreams. We’re happy and about to be Mr. and Mrs. It’s us, not him and Jamie.
“Nicholas, please don’t do this! Tell the priest and everyone the truth. You love me, not Jamie. You’re only doing this because she’s making you. This isn’t how things are supposed to be. It’s you, me, and Emma forever…Remember?”
He turns his head as if he can hear me. Clutching my heart, I don’t look away. I can’t look away. Nicholas’ eyes meet mine and they’re full of regret.
“Do you remember all the times I made you watch The Notebook? You said you’d be a bird with me and we could fly away anytime I want. Well, I want to fly away now. Please come back to me. I love you, Nicholas. Remember: always and forever?”
That’s what I should say, but instead, I stand in the shadows and see him mouth “I love you Angel” to me before looking at Jamie as he says “I do.”
“I hope you’ll be happy, Nicholas. I’ll never forget you. I’ll always love you. Goodbye, my love.”
Instead of going back to
Bradley, I walk away from the life that should’ve been mine. The overwhelming emotions take over my body, wrecking me, pulling me down. I fall on the sand and try to hold on to my life before I jump into a never-ending black hole.
The waves crash against the shoreline, bringing my attention to the openness of the water. I want to be free and rid of all my pain so I can focus on myself again. But who am I? Where do I belong? Everything I know is here in Wilmington. I can’t go back to Boston and I can’t stay with Bradley.
I can’t concentrate on anything else except for the water. Slowly, I get up and run towards the ocean. The cool water hits my body as I run and dive in. All I want to do is swim away from everyone so I can think and find my place, if that’s possible. Floating on the ocean water brings me some peace, but when I close my eyes, I see Nicholas and Jamie, promising each other forever.
I pinch myself, making sure this is all real. I desperately want to go back and run to Nicholas, to tell him that he’s making a mistake and that we should be together.
“You’re my forever, Karly. I need you in my life.”
“I love you so much, Nicholas.” Our lips meet and passion soars. His arms hold me tight and I feel safe. I’m home, where I should be.
“I still love you, Nicholas. No one is going to take your place. We’re supposed to be together. You’re my home. You’re my one and only.”
As I float on the water, I find that the waves have calmed a bit. I look to see that I’m far from shore. My body feels fine, but my mind is exhausted. It feels easy being out here, away from reality and all alone. It’s easier to deal with. I can think clearly and numb away the pain.
The next intake of breath, I close my eyes, causes a silent sob. No matter where I go, I can’t think of anything else. I’m here, alone, while my whole life is moving on. My body tenses and I decide to swim back.
I’m not sure how much time has passed when I reach the shore. Bradley’s pacing the sand, looking frantic and scared.
“Bradley,” I force out. My voice is flat with no emotion.
“What the fuck, Karly? Where were you? Why are you wet?” He squeezes my shoulders, thumbs moving my hair from my eyes. “Just breathe, okay? You’re safe now.” When he wraps his arms around me, I feel safe. Bradley’s always been a comfort; he’s my bubble since he’s been back. “Come on; let’s go home.”
We get back to the beach house and, as soon as my head hits the pillow, I’m asleep. It’s all I know what to do for now until I can figure out what the next step is. Do I leave North Carolina and start over again? I don’t have a job here. Sure, I’ll miss my friends, but at least I won’t have to see Nicholas and Jamie. Shaking away his name, I bring the blanket to my nose and count until I can’t count anymore.
“We’re forever, Karly. I promise I’m going to love you until the end of time plus infinity.”
“Nicholas!” I scream, looking around the unfamiliar room. Sweat is pouring from my face and I’m shaking.
“Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay.”
I look over and see Bradley sitting on the bed with a look of concern and dread. I go into his arms and sob, screaming for Nicholas and asking why.
“I wish I can give you the answers, but you’re safe and I’m here for you.”
Before I know it, I’m bursting into tears, hitting Bradley and pushing him away. I need space. I need to get away. Anger and sadness pile through me and I can’t seem to get a grasp of anything.
“Karly!” Bradley yells, bringing me in his arms. “Shhhh, I got you.”
“Why, Bradley? Why’d he do this?” I sob, letting out everything I have in my heart. I’m broken without him. Everything in my world turns dark. It’s like life is looking at me, laughing, saying I deserve this hell. I’m never going to be okay. “Maybe I should move away,” I whisper through my hiccups. “No one wants me. I don’t have anyone.”
“You have me, Snuggles. You have Alexis, Larry, Patricia, Dan and Emma. You can’t leave,” he softly reassures me. The feeling of dread lingers. It’s as though a piece of me was gone the day I walked away from Nicholas. His eyes. The sadness and his heartbreak. Why does life have to be so hard? Why can’t we have our happily ever after and be in love?
The impossible happened. Nicholas broke me after he promised he wouldn’t. He swore that he’d love me forever and he’d never let me go. What was the point of promises when people broke them?
I’m barely surviving the pain. Bradley forces me to eat and I’m never alone. Alexis spends a lot of time out here with me and Larry’s been coming on the weekends. No one mentions Nicholas. And I’m thankful. I don’t want to hear how he’s doing or what he’s doing.
Having my friends here is a distraction I need, but at night, it’s the worse. I dream of him and wake up screaming for him, begging for him to come back and hold me in his arms. Each time, Bradley runs to my room as I cling to him for support. To clear my mind of him, I run every morning and push myself.
The void in my heart grows and it doesn’t get easier. The void gets strong as each day passes without Nicholas. It stands as my failure – I failed Nicholas. I failed Emma and I failed myself. I ran when it got too hard and didn’t fight.
I walk around the beach house, staring at my bare feet, waiting for Lexi to come over for dinner. To fill the silence, I turn on music and Jewel’s “You Were Meant for Me” comes on, breaking me down to nothing but an empty body.
I put the song on repeat and sing along with her. The words play on and on, reminding me how numb I am except for the immense pain surrounding me, in and out.
The door opens, but I don’t turn around. I know it’s Lexi. A hand slides into mine and I curl next to my best friend. She holds me and lets me cry.
“I know, babe, but you gotta pick yourself back up. It’s time to get out and live your life. Come on. I made us a spa appointment. It’s time for you to get up, brush back your pretty hair, and conquer the world like I know you can.”
“It hurts so much. I can’t breathe.”
“I know,” she coos. “But you can’t let this hold you down. Okay?” I nod. I know what she’s saying and I know I should be living my life, but it’s still hard. It’ll always be hard.
The next few days go by in a blur. Jana’s been coming over when Lexi can’t make it. She’s turning out to be a great friend and I like being around her. She’s real and blunt and doesn’t sugar coat anything. When I told her about the wedding, she damn near almost drove to Wilmington to kick Nicholas’ ass.
As I sit outside on the deck, she brings out two plates of food. Staring at the plate of food, I push it away, not wanting to look at food at this moment.
“You need to eat, hon.”
“Not hungry.”
“I know. You’re never hungry. Bradley’s so worried about you.”
Looking up, I stare at her. Bradley. She’s been talking to Bradley. “So you and Bradley?”
“What?”
“Oh, come on; you can tell me! I wanna know happy things. I mean, it’ll get my mind off Nicholas.”
She blushes! Oh wow, Jana, Miss Badass Tattoo Artist Slash Zumba Dancer blushes! “I mean, he’s nice, but I know he’s your ex.”
“So?”
“So we’re friends and friends don’t do that.”
She’s right; friends don’t date their friends’ exes, but Bradley’s a different story. If I can’t be happy, I shouldn’t stop my friends.
“I’m okay with it.” I smile. And it’s the first time in weeks I’m smiling.
TAPPING THE PEN AGAINST MY LAPTOP, I STOP WHAT I’M DOING AND LEAN BACK, RESTING MY HEAD. Looking around the hotel room, guilt and anger run through me. I’m too exhausted to think because, when I do, it brings me back to reality and, in reality, I’m without Karly. Losing myself in work isn’t taking my mind off the shit surrounding me. This is my biggest mistake and regret. Being here with Jamie isn’t right and I fucking know this. But I can’t take back what I’ve done.
While we
were planning the wedding, Jamie asked if I could take her away. She needed to clear her mind and she couldn’t do that in Wilmington. I didn’t want to take her anywhere. She needs her rest and traveling isn’t the best option. Jamie insisted on leaving and promised she’d be okay.
We planned the trip to Aruba and left after the wedding. It was a quiet plane ride. She slept on my shoulder and held my hand. I couldn’t look at her. I kept my focus on my laptop or outside the window. I found a place in my head that I wanted to be. In this place, Karly’s next to me and we’re happy and in love. No one can take away our happiness and it’s just us.
Leaning against the chair, I stretch out my legs and watch the ocean before my eyes. I take a drink of my beer and keep my eyes on the water. Karly loves the beach and ocean. Flashes of Hawaii come to my mind. I remember her beauty and how happy she was with me and Emma.
I put my beer down and look in the room. Jamie’s still sleeping. I take the opportunity to explore the beach and try to relax, letting the sun beam down on my skin and dreading what’s to come.
Everything is on repeat as I remember the look in Karly’s eyes. Her expression haunts me. She wasn’t supposed to see me getting married. She wasn’t supposed to hear me say “I do” to Jamie. All of these mistakes bite at me and I can’t push them away.
The walk on the beach brings me closer to Karly. I pause, take a deep breath, and look at the ocean. The sand is warm beneath my feet and feels nice. The further I step away from the hotel, the better I feel. As fucked up as it sounds, I need this time away from Jamie. It’s only been three days since we’ve been here and she’s driving me fucking crazy. I know she wants to do a lot before having to go back to her reality. I’m exhausted, but I don’t sleep. I’m lucky if I get a few hours a night. Usually, I’m up doing work and filling out reports for Larry. The firm thinks I’m on vacation, and I am. I’m on vacation, my honeymoon, still doing work.
