by S. Moose
I sit down on the sand, enjoying the view before me. It brings me peace to watch how free the water and waves are. There’s nothing holding the water back. I shut off my mind and focused on the beauty before my eyes. I didn’t want distractions. I didn’t want to think about Jamie, Emma or Karly. I needed this time to sit here and not think.
After a few hours, I head back to the room to check on Jamie. She’s in the bathroom, throwing up. I head inside and rub her back.
“Is there anything I can get you?” I’m not a total heartless asshole. She’s sick and I need to help her.
“No,” she whispers. “It hurts so bad. I don’t know what else to do.” Tears stream down her face. She buries her head in my lap, whimpering and repeating the words of appreciation. “I know you’ve changed your entire life for me, but I’m thankful for you. I hope you know that.”
“I know. When you see your doctor, we’ll get more information. I’m sorry I can’t make it.”
Before she can respond, she’s throwing up again. I grab a washcloth, run it under cool water, and place it on her neck. Jamie lets out a moan and takes my hand.
“We’ll figure it out. Maybe we should head home. You shouldn’t be here, Jamie.”
“NO! Not yet.” Her tone changes. “I need this. Please?”
“All right.”
I help her back to bed and sit with her for a few minutes. “Nicholas, I needed to get out of there. I hate everyone staring at me and judging. I know I’m not perfect, but I’m still human.” She places her head on my lap and softly cries. “I wish I could make things better. I wish I could be better. I’m so scared, Nicky. How could this be happening to me?”
I brush her hair from her face. “I don’t know, Jamie. I wish I had the answers, but I’m lost as well. I know you’ve been carrying guilt and regret and I’m sorry. Try and be okay.”
“I’m trying.”
For some reason, at this very moment, I decide to give Jamie more than I have. She’s scared and doesn’t have anyone else. We’ve known each other for years. Emma and I are all she has and we can’t abandon her now. I’ll get her the help she needs, pay for the medical bills, and make sure she’s comfortable. It’ll be okay.
Everything happens for a reason. Jamie came back and, even though I don’t know the underlying reason, I have to appreciate her presence and her need to spend time with us.
When Jamie falls asleep, I take out my laptop. I watch as she twists and turns before she finally settles down and falls into a deep sleep. A headache is coming on. I place my fingers on my temples and close my eyes. This is too much to fucking deal with.
My phone rings. “Hey, Lexi.”
“No, Daddy; it’s me!”
As I hear Emma’s voice, I think, Damn, I need to talk to my daughter. “Hi, Princess. How are you?”
“I’m good, Daddy.” Her voice is low and trembling.
“Princess, what’s wrong? Where are you?”
I hear her walking and she settles after a few moments. “I’m in Myrtle Beach, Daddy. Aunt Lexi and Uncle Larry brought me here to see...” She pauses. “Oh, Daddy, please promise you won’t say anything.”
“Of course, Princess. Daddy promises.”
“We’re here to see Mommy. She’s really sad and won’t stop crying.”
My heart drops. All I want is to leave here and run to her. Hold her in my arms and tell her how sorry I am. I only hope she knows and is still holding my heart in her hands.
THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND LOVE RIPPED AWAY FROM YOU. I’M THE PRISONER AND REALITY IS THE EXECUTIONER. I can’t stop thinking about the wedding and having him tell me he loves me before saying “I do” to her. Now I find out they’re away on their honeymoon while his voice keeps playing on, telling me to wait for him and to hold on. It’s been a five days since I saw their wedding. Five days since I’ve been holding on. I’ve been crying every day and hating myself. All I want is a sign that this is a dream, that we’re supposed to be together. Nothing comes. Every night, I lie in bed, wondering about him. I can’t get his smile or his voice out of my head. I miss him. I miss us. I’ve been away from Wilmington for so long, but I can’t bring myself to go back. But it doesn’t matter because everything I know is out the window. I wanted him to say something more before I walked away. I would’ve done anything just to be with him again. Anywhere he went, I would’ve followed.
I lie on Lexi’s lap. My vision is blurry and it’s hard to breathe. My head’s pounding and I can’t seem to hold on to reality. The pain is too deep, leaving me feeling hopeless and alone. The meaning of life is broken. The path I was on with Nicholas is shattered and I’m straddling the thin line between life and death. Everything inside me is broken; dead. I’m losing grip on reality, lying here crying and not being able to do anything. I close my eyes and find myself back to his wedding day.
The water felt good and took away the pain I was feeling. I’ve always loved being on the beach and near the ocean. I could’ve stayed there forever. I would’ve been happy. Being on the beach took me away from reality. It took me to a place where I felt closer to where I wanted to be. Did I want to die? I’m not sure, to be honest. I knew I wanted to stop feeling this way. I wanted to stop feeling as if my heart would never mend. How long does heartbreak stay with you? Days? Weeks? Months? Years?
When we got back, I stayed in bed and cried myself to sleep. I knew it was pathetic to cry over someone I could never have again. I knew that I had to get over him, but it was too soon. The hurt was still raw and it felt like I was dying. I screamed every night for Nicholas. Bradley came running in and held me as I clenched his shirt and cried. I couldn’t do anything else. The thought of getting out of bed was hard and I hated myself.
I hate Nicholas.
I hate Jamie.
I hate life.
I’m not mad at Bradley for calling our friends over. I know he’s lost and feels like he’s not doing anything to help. They want me to talk and they want to help me. I can’t talk, though. It hurts too much to think about Nicholas, even though he’s the last thing I think about before going to bed and the first thing I think about when I wake up. He’s constantly on my mind and it drives me crazy.
I watched him marry another woman. I watched him promise her forever when it should’ve been me!
Lexi rubs my back to calm me down. My tears slow down and my body feels weak and tired. Bradley and Larry come from somewhere and sit down on the couch. They’re watching me and no one’s saying anything. What can they say? I know they’re sorry and feel bad for me, but I don’t want to hear that. I need my friends by my side to help me through this. I can’t do this alone.
“I miss him so much,” I sob. “It should have been me. I’m not supposed to be here, crying over him. Why’s he doing this?” My body trembles. I can’t stop thinking about Nicholas and Jamie. He brings out the best in me and saw a part of me no one’s seen. How am I going to go on without him? I know I’ve been asking myself this question since I left him at the apartment, but I really don’t know how I’m going to be okay.
“Baby, it’s gonna be okay. You have all of us here with you. I promise you we’ll help you get through this.” Lexi strokes my hair and holds my hand.
The guys come over and sit down with us. “Snuggles, we’re never leaving your side.”
“Yeah, baby girl, you’re stuck with us,” Larry adds. “We’ll help you get through this. Maybe you should come back and live with us.”
“I can’t,” I quietly respond. Going back to Wilmington is out of the question. Everything we did will come back to me and we’ll run into each other. I know it’ll be awkward and my heart isn’t ready for that pain.
As much as I want to move on with my life, I can’t. There’s no life after Nicholas. He’s it for me. Deep down inside, I know he knows we’re supposed to be together. His memories burn a deep hole in my heart. It’s all for him and no one will ever compare to him and our love.
�
�Baby girl, I’m sorry you had to see that, but you being here isn’t helping. I know it’ll be hard. You need to be around your family and we’re your family.”
“You don’t get it!” I scream, jumping off the couch. “Look at me! I’m a mess. I can’t go a few minutes without crying. Do you think I want to live like this?”
“Then don’t!” Bradley gets in my face, putting his hands on my shoulders. “Snap out of this, okay? I know it sucks and I know you’re lost, but we’re here for you. WE ARE HERE! Stop pushing us away.”
I hate Bradley. I fucking hate him. “How dare you! I want some time to collect myself and move on! Nicholas has my heart and I’m so broken. How dare you stand in front of me, thinking this is how I want to be!” The anger bursts through me. I see red. I want to hit him; actually, I want to hit something. Anything!
“Karly, we’re all given two choices in life. You have two choices. Stay here and die alone, probably, or come back to Wilmington and move on with your life. Which path are you going to pick?”
“You don’t get it,” I sob. “My heart is broken. Everything is broken. He promised me…he promised me forever!” I crumple on the ground. All of this pain is too much.
“Baby girl, come on; get up.” Larry scoops me into his arms and sits me on the couch. He wipes my tears with his thumbs and smiles. “This is the only time I’m gonna say this to you. He made a decision. Even though none of us agree with it, he still did it. He moved on and you need to also. Don’t let Nicholas run your life. It’s your turn to make a decision. Come back to Wilmington with us. Stay with us and keep Lexi company. She needs you more than ever.” I look at my best friend as she squeezes my hand. She nods her head and scoots over to my side, resting her head on my shoulder.
“I do need my best friend.”
Can I go back to Wilmington and risk seeing them together? I know that I need to start moving on with my life and think about the future. There’s no point thinking about the past and hoping things will change. Nicholas is a married man and I have to accept it, even though it kills me.
“All right. I’ll come back.”
Emma walks back into the living room, making her way over to Lexi and me. She doesn’t say anything. Instead, she sits on my lap and hugs me. As I look in her eyes, I know going back is going to be a good idea. I’ll be with my friends and Emma again. No one will have to drive over an hour to check on me. I was selfish for leaving, but no more.
Nighttime falls. Everyone’s asleep while I’m lying awake in bed. I lean over my bed and pull out a box that’s filled with memories of Nicholas. I hate doing this to myself, but I can’t stop. Looking at our pictures and the little things that made our love brings me comfort.
Some people go through life never experiencing a love so great, so deep, as Nicholas and I. No, we weren’t perfect, yet together we were. He knew me inside and out and he opened his heart to me. We were two damaged souls looking for acceptance and love in this cruel world. It was hard for him to tell me what was in his heart. When he did, everything made sense. The world became clear and my life turned for the better.
I lift the box cover and smile at the pictures and little notes he’d leave me.
“Thinking about you xo. N”
“Do you know how happy you make me? I can’t wait to see you tonight and show you how much I love you.”
“N + K = Forever.”
“You make me feel alive again. I know I sound crazy, like a lovesick teenager, but you bring out the playful side of me. I can’t imagine my life without you.”
“Will you be mine forever? Circle yes or no.”
Tears roll down my face. “I miss you so much,” I whisper.
I look over where Emma’s sleeping. It’s the same spot where Nicholas used to sleep. He loves the side of the bed nearest the window. I laugh because we used to fight over the side so much. Of course, I let him win. Seeing his smile made it worth it to fight with him. His beautiful smile plays in my head.
I tell myself that it’s not over. I tell myself I’ll see his smile again and know what it’s like to be in his arms.
As soon as I lie back down, Emma turns and faces me. She looks peaceful. I watch her little chest rise and fall. Her face is relaxed and her hands are tucked underneath her face. I gently move a strand of hair from her eyes, thinking about how much it’s going to suck not seeing her every day.
“I love you, Princess,” I whisper, kissing her forehead before falling asleep.
I’m back in Wilmington. I’m not sure what I’m feeling, but my heart’s racing and I can’t seem to breathe. Being back here brings back memories of Nicholas and I’m not sure I can do it until little fingers entwine with mine.
“Come on, Mommy.” Emma pulls me over to the house, carrying a few bags from the car.
I can do this. I can be in the same town as Nicholas and Jamie. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay.
When we get inside, Lexi and Emma show me to my room. Everything’s all set up the way I want and all I have to do is hang up a few things. There are pictures on my dresser and some on the wall. But one picture catches my eye – it’s the three of us in Hawaii. My heart stops. My breathing quickens.
“Mommy, I told Aunt Lexi to hang up this picture. I like it,” Emma states, as if she can read my mind.
“I like it too, Princess.” And it’s the truth. I do love the picture. It’s just a picture and I know Nicholas won’t step out of it and come to me at night.
“I’m glad you’re back,” Lexi says, putting her arm around my shoulders. “Everything will be okay. I know it’s going to be hard, but we’re here for you like we said we’d be. Promise.”
“Okay,” is all I can manage to say. I’m afraid to tell her this isn’t going to work. I’m afraid to see Nicholas and Jamie’s reaction when they see me.
I’m left alone in my room and feel the shadows of the darkness creeping in. I pull out my phone and send a text message to Bradley, letting him know I’m okay.
Bradley: If you need me, don’t hesitate to text me.
He’s staying in Myrtle Beach for a while to spend time with Jana. I’m glad he’s happy and found someone to care about. They’re taking it slow and promise to visit as much as possible.
Me: I know, but I’m happy for you. I’m glad you’re taking this leap of faith. I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Bradley: Me too. Listen, you know if you need to get away from Wilmington, all you have to do is tell me and I’ll come and get you.
Me: I’m tired of running away. I need to face reality =(
Bradley: I know. You’re strong, Karly. Look at everything you’ve been through. Everything’s gonna work out. Believe that.
Me: Me too. But have fun with Jana ;)
Bradley: HA! We’re taking it slow, but I’ll fill you in. Thinking of you always.
Me: Me too xo
A little while later, Larry comes home and we sit outside on the deck, grilling and relaxing. Emma’s on my lap, going on and on about her upcoming dance recital.
“You’re coming, right?”
“Of course, honey. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Thanks.” She smiles, leaning her head on my chest.
“Emma! We’re here!”
I quickly turn to Lexi and we both look at Larry. “I thought you told him Emma’s sleeping over tonight.”
“I did,” he whispers back.
“Larry, what the hell are they doing here?” Lexi gets up, but I can’t move. My mind is yelling at me to put Emma down and run away. My body won’t listen, though. Everything around me is going fast and I can’t keep up. Soon, Nicholas and Jamie walk through the sliding door, stepping on the deck.
No; please go away. Please.
SEEING HER BEFORE ME AWAKENS SOMETHING THAT’S BEEN DEAD SINCE WATCHING HER RUN AWAY THE DAY OF MY WEDDING. She looks at me and her eyes tell me not to come any closer, but I can’t help it. I need to be near her.
To touch her.
Feel her.
Hold her.
Hear her tell me she loves me again.
Her eyes stay on mine until Jamie’s voice wakes us both up. “Oh, Karly, you’re here?”
Karly looks at Lexi and then back at us. “Yeah, I’m ... um ... back in Wilmington. Staying here for a while to help Lexi with her pregnancy and then, when the baby comes, I’ll be here as their nanny.”
Larry coughs, bringing my attention to him. She’s lying. Knowing my best friend and baby sister, they brought her back to keep an eye on her, but why?
“That’s great.” Jamie smiles, holding my hand. “Come on, Emma. Time to get going. Say bye and thank you to everyone.”
Emma hugs everyone and makes her way to Jamie and me. “I have to talk to Larry about work. I’ll meet you at the car.”
“Okay.”
As soon as Jamie and Emma leave, I turn back around and look at Karly. There’s something different about her. She’s holding back everything – all her emotions. I want to know what she’s feeling and need her to let me back in. But I know I’ve lost that right.
Walking slowly and carefully over to her, I lean over and kiss the top of her head. “Welcome back, Angel.”
My lips linger on the top of her head a little too long. I don’t care, though. I need – no, I want this moment with her. It’s been too long since smelling her vanilla scent. The scent that still drives me crazy, remembering her.
Karly doesn’t say anything. Her body freezes to my touch. I need to stay away from her. For her sake. The more I’m around her, the more trouble I’m going to cause. This is what common sense is telling me. I never listened though.
“Thanks,” she whispers, her voice small and quiet.
When our eyes meet again, the charge is still there – the connection, our connection, still strong. At this moment, I take back everything I told her. I can’t let her go. I don’t want to let her go. Having Karly in my life is the lifeline I need to stay alive and above the water that keeps filling, taking me down to the bottom. But with Karly here, in my life, in Wilmington, I can swim to the surface and breathe again.
