by S. Moose
Before I can say anything else to her, my phone vibrates, bringing me back to the realization that I have another life waiting for me in the car.
“Looks like you need to go,” she simply states without emotion in her tone.
“I’ll talk to you soon.” I kiss her head, staring at her and understanding the mess I made leaving her behind and not fighting for her.
Until now.
It takes everything in me not to bring her in my arms and run away with her, away from Wilmington and the drama surrounding our lives. It’s like I’ve been sleeping since she took her heart and walked away from me. Now that I’m awake, I can clearly see she’s my life – my future. It’s killing me not to tell her how sorry I am and the truth about Jamie. I need to tell her how sorry I am for causing her pain and tearing us apart.
No matter what happens, she’ll eventually know the truth. I hope it’s not too late when she finds out.
I say goodnight to Larry and Lexi before heading outside to the car. As we pull out of their driveway, Jamie places her hand on mine and I hear her sigh.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispers. “I hope you know that.”
“I know.” I squeeze her hand back.
She shifts in her seat. “Now, with her back, I hope you remember your promise. I need you to keep trying to make this work.”
I release a sigh. “Of course I remember my promise to you.”
“Good.”
When we get home and put Emma to bed, I head outside to the deck and sit next to Jamie. Lately, things are a bit calmer between the both of us. We’re still sleeping separately but talking more. My guard’s are still up when it comes to Jamie. She’s unpredictable and I always need to stay ahead of her.
“She looks good,” Jamie starts to say, taking a sip of her sweet tea. “I can see why you love her so much. She’s good with Emma and I know you’ll be happy with her.” I nod. “I know she’ll love you more than I ever could. She’s teaching you how to smile and I’m honestly happy, Nicky.”
It takes a while for me to answer her. She’s right. Karly means the world to me and she holds my heart. In the few short months we were together, she showed me more love than I ever thought I could feel. But I let that all go so I could help out the one who broke me.
“I hope it’ll be okay when the time comes.”
“It will, Nicky. It will. Believe in faith and love.” She turns and looks at me, touching my face. “I wish I could turn back time and never let you go. You’re the best thing; you and Emma.” Her lips brush mine. I don’t move. Instead, I rest my hands on her waist and pull away, kissing her forehead. I hold her hand and we sit in the silence of the night, taking in the calmness before the storm comes back with its destruction.
Sitting outside, alone on the deck, I keep picturing Karly and the way she reacted when she saw me. I wish I had known she was going to be there. I hate having Jamie and her in the same place. Running my hand through my hair, I drink my beer and count how long she’s been gone. There’s no mistaking how much I miss her and want her back. Karly’s back and we might have our second chance.
Standing up, getting ready to head inside, I hear a noise coming from the yard. I turn around and see Karly standing before me. Her hair is in a ponytail and she’s wearing shorts with a soft pink tee. She looks beyond beautiful. I soak in the sight of her again. My hands twitch, wanting to touch her and feel her against my body. It’s been so long since she’s been in my arms. I need her more than ever.
“Hi, Nicholas.” Her voice sounds shaky and unsure, making me nearly fall to my knees.
“Karly,” I manage to say without sounding too desperate. “You’re here. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” she says, slowing moving towards me. Her eyes land on the cabana behind me. Since she’s been gone, I haven’t been able to look at it, let alone be near it. Memories of our times hit me and, instantly, I’m smiling.
“Can we talk?”
“Of course.” I motion for her to sit down. She nervously walks to where I am and steadies herself down. I hate that I’m making her feel this way. It shouldn’t be like this.
She pauses before talking. “I’m sorry I came to your wedding. I thought that…” Her voice trails and I wonder what she’s going to say.
“It’s okay, Karly. Please finish what you were going to say.”
“No, it’s all right. I came here to talk and let you know that I’m back for good. We’re going to be seeing a lot of each other and I hope that’s okay?”
She’s asking for permission. What the fuck? Of course it’s okay that she’s here. I want her here, need her here. We’re back in the beginning. I hate that we’re like this – uneasy and unsure.
“Yes, it’s okay. I want you back here. Now I know you’re safe and, if you need anything, you can come to me.”
“You can’t say that stuff to me. You’re married,” she mumbles, looking away with her eyes wide and lips in a hard line.
I’m tempted to tell her the truth and make her mine again. Doesn’t she know the power she has over me? She’s my lifeline and my reason. She’s my number one, like Emma. Having both of them in my life is what matters. Why can’t she see how much she means to me?
“I know and I’m sorry. I want you to know that you can come to me if you ever need anything. I’m here for you. We can be friends, right?”
She sighs. “Friends. We can do that. I wanted to make sure it’s okay I’m back. I don’t want to get in the way of you and Jamie.”
Instinctively, I reach out and grab her hand, holding it in mine, feeling her tremble. We hold eye contact and the world stops moving. It’s us, just us, like it should be. “You’re never going to get in the way.”
“I’m sorry that I’m here.”
“No, stop. Don’t apologize. Don’t ever apologize. This is your home. Do I make myself clear?” I can’t control myself. She’s pissing me off, thinking she’s not allowed here. I take a deep breath, calming myself down before I talk again. “Please don’t think I don’t want you here, okay?”
“Okay,” is all she manages to say. I don’t care if she doesn’t talk a lot. I’m glad she’s here with me and she came on her own, without pressure from me.
“Thank you for coming to see me. We needed to talk, just us.”
She doesn’t look at me. I’m not ready to say goodbye yet. I’ll never be able to say goodbye.
“Even though things aren’t great right now, I promise it’ll get better.”
“Stop making promises you can’t keep. I’ll never trust you again. I gave you my heart and look what happened. I can’t do this with you. I can only give you friendship. Being here near you is ripping me apart.”
Why the fuck is she saying this to me? No, she’s going to be mine again. My head starts pounding. Fuck.
“No, Karly. Everything will work out in the end. Believe me.”
“Stop! Please stop saying that. I came back because my friends are here, but I will leave if it gets too hard. If you love me, then please don’t make this hard.”
She can’t leave. I won’t let her. “Don’t leave again, please. If you leave, I won’t know if you’re okay.”
“I’m not yours to worry about anymore.”
“Friends worry about each other. And we’re friends, like you said,” For the first time since she left, there’s a sliver of hope that we’ll be okay. I’m using her words against her. I know this isn’t ideal, but it’s the only way I know how to keep her around. I need her to believe we’re friends and I can be friends with her. She’s giving me that hope. I’d rather have a small chance than no chance.
TIME GOES BY AND EACH DAY THAT PASSES IS HARDER. They say time heals all wounds. What a lie. Whoever came up with that line sucks. Time isn’t healing my broken heart; it’s making it worse.
We run into each other and, every time, I swear I feel like curling up in a ball and disappearing again. Drowning in my own tears and wishing I could go away consumes me. It’s
hard to believe I’ll be okay. I look for the promise of something better, a sign that I’ll be okay, but it never comes. My ray of hope doesn’t shine; instead, a permanent cloud blocks out the sun and covers me with its rain and shelters me from the possibility of being happy.
Waking up in a pool of sweat, I cover my face with my hands. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Every night, I’m having the same nightmare. Each time, I see him and he’s being taken away from me. I don’t see who is taking him or what, but I know he’s gone and I’ll never see him. I grab my phone from my nightstand and start a text message to Nicholas.
Me: I can’t sleep.
I stare at the message, debating if I should send it. “Oh, fuck it.” I press send and wait for his response.
Nicholas: Me either. I’m sitting outside. What are you doing?
Me: In my room ... thinking.
Nicholas: About what?
Me: You…I had a nightmare about you.
Nicholas: Are you okay?
Me: Yes…No…IDK, Nicholas…I haven’t been okay since we broke up. I know I shouldn’t tell you this, but I still love you…Do you still remember our love?
Nicholas: Of course I do…I know nothing makes sense right now, but it will.
Me: Sometimes I wish we never met because I wouldn’t feel this way. But then I try to think about my life without you, and it’s hard. You helped me and gave me something I’ve been waiting for since losing my parents…Yet waiting for you is like wishing for the waves to stop crashing against the shore…It’ll never happen…You’ll never come back.
Nicholas: Don’t say that…
Me: Why not? It’s the truth.
Nicholas: You don’t know the fucking truth Karly. If you did then you’d understand.
Me: Guess I won’t ever understand.
Great, of course an argument about Jamie and what’s going on. I end the conversation and turn off my phone. I can’t deal with this bullshit drama anymore.
Feeling angry and stressed I get up from my bed to watch TV or do something. Anything at this point.
You’d think after all this time, I’d be okay. Every time I think I’m okay, something happens and it brings me back to square one. The fog takes over and there are no words to describe my pain. Why do I love him? Why do I do this to myself? I hate everything about Nicholas. I hate everything he’s done, yet I still love him. Does that make sense? How could it?
I feel the sobs forming in my chest, rising through my throat and trying to escape my lips. I place my head in my hands, my elbows resting on my knees. This is the hardest part – realizing how alone I am. During the day, I’m with Lexi and other people. During the day, I’m not thinking of him like I am now. It’s when the sun goes down and we’re met with the moon that I find myself feeling this way. When will I find my closure?
A few hours pass and there’s nothing on TV worth watching. Either there’s something depressing on the news or someone’s selling me some garbage products. Grabbing my towels, I head to the bathroom and get ready for the day. Once I’m in the shower, the water rushes over my body. The warmth brings back memories of Nicholas and all the times we spent in the shower. I feel his lips on my lips, then traveling down to my neck. His hands are around my waist, holding me against his body. I hear his voice in my head, telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me.
My eyes open and tears spring out. I would give anything just to have him for one more night, to feel his body with mine, and to hear him tell me he loves me.
Larry’s in the kitchen, making coffee, when I make my way to the kitchen. “Morning, sunshine.”
“Hey,” I yawn, pulling the stool out and sitting down. “Can you make me a cup too?”
“Already on it.”
“You’re the best.”
Larry brings over two cups of coffee and settles down next to me. “Have you talked to Nicholas?”
“Yeah, we’ve talked a few times. We were texting last night. It’s still hard.”
“And it will be for a while. Do you think you’ll be okay to hang out with him soon?”
I shrug, not sure what to say. “I don’t know, maybe?”
“He’s a mess, you know. He misses you and he’s kicking himself for marrying Jamie. He knows he messed up and I think you know there’s more to the story. We all know that, but he’s not saying anything. All I know is that he loves you, girl. You changed him and made him a better person. Before you, he seemed empty and lived his life with Emma. Then you came and … I don’t know. It’s as though you brought him back to us.”
Do you know that feeling when a knife is in your heart, twisting and turning? Do you know what it’s like to have a car run you over a million times? That’s how I’m feeling. Rage builds in me and, instead of screaming and yelling, I sit in front of Larry, numb and frozen.
“I can’t do this, Larry. I’m fucking human, you know? I have feelings!”
He brings me into his arms and tries to calm me down. “I know and that’s what I told him.”
I can’t give Nicholas what he needs, even though it’s what I truly want. I refuse to break up his marriage and be the one that he uses to escape from Jamie. If something is up and he’s doing this because she’s manipulating him, then that’s a different story and I’ll beg him to leave her. I don’t know the whole story and I’m not sure if I even will get the story. A little voice in my head keeps screaming at me to fight for the man I love. But I don’t know if that’s the right answer.
“I’m gonna go lie down. Thanks for the coffee,” I mutter.
Back in my room, in my safety area, I place the steaming cup of coffee on my nightstand and lie down, facing the balcony.
Tearing away from the sun rising, I force my mind back to sleep. It’s been the longest few nights without Nicholas. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I can’t forget him. Every time I close my eyes, I see his eyes, his smile; I see everything. My chest fills with ache. Sitting here crying over him while everyone else is living kills me. The fight in me is slowly going away. Unable to stand the silence I open my music app on my phone and play a song I haven’t heard in a few weeks - our song. It plays over and over again so I can remember our dance and how I felt when he was holding me. Everything feels heavy and miserable. I scream into my pillow and pray that I can be taken away. I don’t care if we weren’t together for a long time. When it comes to love, there’s no measurement in time. It’s how love makes you feel and it made me feel whole. I’d give anything to feel that way again.
Running along the shore clears my head. The light breeze hits my face as I speed up my pace and keep going. The burning in my chest and legs motivates me and I don’t want to stop.
Finishing my run, I slow down and start walking. I close my eyes to soak in the sun and calmness of the water and I’m taken back to a different time. It feels different today; I feel different. I can’t describe it. My body feels comfortable and at peace.
Suddenly, I’m on my ass, looking up and seeing the most gorgeous ice-blue eyes I’ve ever seen.
“Hey, I’m really sorry. Are you okay?” he asks and I sit there looking at him. “Here; let me help you up.” His hand reaches for mine and I gladly take it. “All right, so you look okay; no cuts or bruises,” he smirks and I’m about to faint from how hot this man is – no, scratch that. He’s beautiful and sexy. I can’t stop staring.
“Thanks and I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention and I was in my own world, so yeah, I’m sorry,” I know I’m rambling. I hate being so nervous.
“It’s all right.” He laughs. “I’m Jensen.”
“Karly. It’s nice meeting you.”
“You too.”
We stand there for a few moments without saying anything. My face turns twenty shades of pink. I notice his smile and it makes me feel good inside. Since everything happened, I haven’t felt that way, but it doesn’t really matter because I’m not going to be ready to date or even talk to another guy for a while. Nichola
s Landon Hayes has ruined me for future relationships.
“Well, sorry again for running into you. Have a great day.”
“You too.”
Turning my back to him, I start running again, but can’t help but wonder more about this mystery man.
As soon as I get home, I plop down on the couch next to Lexi and tell her about my encounter with sexy Jensen.
“Wow, that’s kinda hot. So he was just staring at you?” I nod. “Did you get his number or anything?” I shake my head. “Well, you’re dumb.”
“Why are you calling me dumb?”
“Because he was totally into you,” Lexi sighs, turning to face me. “How are you doing?”
“I’m all right,” I lie, hating myself for still wanting him.
“Well, maybe Jensen will take your mind off him. You’re young, and as much as I love my brother, I love you too. I want you to be happy, honey.”
“Thanks.” I lay my head on her shoulder and we talk more about her pregnancy.
The next few days, I leave the house at exactly seven in the morning and go for a run on the beach. Each time, I run into Jensen. His icy blue eyes make me shy and I have to contain my giggles. He looks amazing every time, with his brown hair and tan body. Honestly, he can seduce anyone with one look. His eyes and smile make me warm all over. There’s something about him that brings me comfort and, for some reason, I feel like I can trust him. It’s nice to have another friend, someone who doesn’t know about how fucked up I am. We meet around the same time in the morning and go for a five-mile run. It’s quiet between us. We both have ear buds in our ears and focus on running. I feel good getting back in shape. Losing all the weight during my time in Myrtle Beach made me feel disgusting. I felt weak, and now I’m working up my strength to tone up my body. Not for anyone; just myself. When I’m working out, I can let go of the shit and focus on getting fit. It releases my stress and, during that time, my mind is clear.
Jensen and I meet for breakfast after our run and, for the first time in a while, I’m laughing and smiling. He makes the silliest jokes and looks at me when I talk. What I’m telling him keeps his interest. He doesn’t use his phone when we’re together. I’m the only one he pays attention to when we’re talking.
