by Rinna Ford
I carefully stepped around the balloons, kicking a few joyfully as I went and walked out into the hallway.
“Happy Birthday!” Tessa yelled from the couch, a giant mug of coffee in her hand. She had a big smile on her face as she got up and went over to the coffee machine to make me a cup. She truly was amazing.
“Thank you,” I chuckled. “And thank you for the balloons.” I took the cup from her and inhaled the caffeinated goodness.
“It was a good thing Joe has a bike pump because there was no way we would have been able to blow all of them up! With the pump it took almost 2 hours! Can you imagine how long it would have taken without it?!” She sighed dramatically and I rolled my eyes and smiled at her.
I started to drink my coffee when Tessa began telling me about our day. “Get dressed and don’t worry about primping,” she told me in a no nonsense tone. “We’re going to get smoothies, then were going to the pool for the day. In fact, go ahead and put on your bathing suit.”
“Yes ma’am,” I teased her. She swatted at me, trying to herd me toward my room.
I did exactly as she told me to, picking out a light blue bikini with white trim. I put a pair of jean shorts and a loose tank top over it, threw my hair into a messy bun, and I was ready. I sighed to myself and grinned. I was determined to make it a good day. I was not going to think about him.
My mom called to wish me a happy birthday and I talked to her for a few minutes, filling her in on my plans. She was excited to see me the next day and told me about our dinner plans the following night.
I walked into the kitchen and saw that Tessa already had two bags packed for the pool waiting by the front door. Each bag was full of towels, sunscreen, and books and magazines. Pretty much everything we needed. We drove in Tessa’s car to get smoothies for breakfast and took them poolside. I found a couple of lounge chairs near the back corner and laid out a towel. I took off my cover up and went through the motions of putting on sunscreen. It was almost a habit at this point even though I didn’t need it.
I laid down on the chair and closed my eyes, my face pointed up at the sun. It felt wonderful to be outside in the sunshine. Tessa laid down on the chair next to me and started talking about the things I’d missed while in Savannah. I listened, but didn’t really contribute to the conversation beyond one or two word responses. I was enjoying the sun’s rays and relaxing too much. She didn’t seem to mind though. In fact, I think she felt like she needed to entertain me.
After a couple of hours hanging around the pool, Joe walked through the gate in his board shorts and t shirt, holding a couple of water bottles. “Hey ladies,” he smiled behind his sunglasses.
“My hero,” Tessa smiled back at him, cupping her hand over her eyes. He shook his head playfully and handed her a bottle, then the other to me.
“Happy Birthday, Alya,” he said.
“Thank you! And thank you for helping Tessa with the balloons. It was such a fun surprise!”
“You’re welcome,” he responded, blushing.
I took a sip from the water bottle and realized quickly that it wasn’t water, but a cocktail that Joe had made for us. I guessed this was something that he and Tessa had come up with together.
He pushed his glasses on top of his head and winked at me after I took another gulp. “Let me know when you need a refill.”
It was delicious. “Oh, I will,” I told him.
He pulled up the chair next to Tessa and the two of them began talking. It wasn’t long before I needed another drink and Joe being the great guy he was, didn’t need to be asked for a refill. He swiped the bottle from my hand, went back to his apartment, and came back with it full.
That’s pretty much how the afternoon went. We drank, sat in our lounge chairs, and played in the pool. The two of them kept my mind off of him, and I was more thankful for that than anything else.
Jesse showed up late in the afternoon and sat in a chair on the other side of Joe. He said hello and wished me a happy birthday, but pretty much left me alone. It was turning out to be a pretty great birthday. I was so glad I got out of Savannah for the weekend.
Around 5:00, Tessa and I said goodbye to our neighbors and went back to our apartment. I took a shower, then Tessa and I got ready to go out for the evening. We weren’t going clubbing (Thank you, Tessa), so I wore an all black romper with ruffle sleeves and sandals. We took an Uber downtown because we’d been drinking all day.
We got out at Centennial Park and walked to a Biergarten for dinner. We talked and laughed for almost two hours, all while eating German food and drinking beer.
Once we were done eating, we walked back toward the park and got in line for Skyview Atlanta. I had never been on the giant ferris wheel, so I was excited that we were doing it. Standing in line, I started thinking about how my friendship started with Tessa three years before.
We were both Freshmen in college, thrown in a tiny dorm room together. I was unsure of her at first, especially since my mom kept us isolated from everyone around us, but she didn’t give me much of an option other than to be her friend. She definitely was persistent. I laughed thinking about all the times she dragged me out of our room to go to parties and football games.
My mom was upset when I told her about my new friend, telling me that we are best away from others. That’s when I started questioning my mom and her motives. She seemed to be afraid of the world, and I decided I didn’t want to be like that. So even though Mom didn’t approve, I kept my friend. She eventually came around realizing I wasn’t giving up on Tessa, but I still caught Mom looking at her with a worried expression every now and then.
The view from the ferris wheel was breathtaking. We sat on opposite sides from one another and gazed out over the city. I loved nature, but cities were beautiful too. Especially at night when everything was lit up.
We got home close to midnight, having taken another Uber home. I thanked Tessa and gave her a hug. She had given me a great birthday, one that was almost completely free of thoughts of him. But I realized as I got ready for bed that night that I’d never be over him, not completely. When you find that one person who makes you whole, they stay with you forever even if they’re gone. But with people in my life like Tessa, being without him would start hurting less over time.
I was scheduled to work that afternoon, so I had to leave the apartment and get on the road right after breakfast. I was sitting at the kitchen counter when Tessa stumbled out of her bedroom, hair sticking up in every direction and her glasses on her face. I smiled because she was obviously up late, probably over at Joe’s.
“Hey, roomie,” she said in a hoarse voice.
“Hi, friend,” I replied loudly. “What time did you get to bed?” She winced at the volume of my voice, then turned to look at the clock on the microwave.
“About three hours ago, I think.”
She folded her arms on the counter and rested her head on top of them. She then groaned loudly making me chuckle. I finished my cereal and coffee and put the dishes in the dishwasher. My suitcase was already packed and waiting by the front door.
Tessa saw it out of the corner of her eye. “You’re leaving already?” she whined.
“I have to be at work after lunchtime,” I told her. “Believe me, I’d rather be here. Seriously, yesterday was the best birthday I’ve ever had. Thank you.”
She pursed her lips and rolled her eyes. “Fine. You can leave. But you better call me later when you get bored at the shop. And you’re welcome.”
“Promise.”
I gave her one last hug and left to go back to Savannah. I really was going to miss her face, even if it were only for another month.
I didn’t have time to drop my suitcase off at Mom’s before work, so I went straight to the shop instead. Mom was working that morning, so she gave me a big hug when I walked in the back door.
“Oh, my baby! I missed you!” she said, still hugging me.
“I missed you too,” I told her, a little confused, “I w
as only gone for two days.”
“I know, but I didn’t get to celebrate your birthday!” She pulled back and held me at arms length. “Now, Harlan is coming in to take over at 1:00 so you don’t have to work today. We’re going window shopping on Broughton Street then to dinner. No excuses!”
At just then, Harlan walked in the door giving us a huge smile.
“Hey Sugarplum! Happy Birthday!” He wrapped his arms around me and gave me the biggest hug. It seemed to be the weekend for hugs, not that I was complaining. “I can’t believe you’re 21!” I gave him a grin because I really didn’t know what to say to that. “Now shoo!” He started pushing us out the door. “You ladies have fun!” Mom laughed as we got into her car.
“So tell me about your birthday!” she said as she turned onto the main road.
“We stayed by the pool all day, then went to Skyview that night after going out for dinner.” She looked confused. “Skyview is that giant ferris wheel across from Centennial Park downtown,” I explained. She seemed to understand.
“Well, it sounds like a wonderful day. Are you glad you went?”
“I really needed it,” I told her. “It was nice to spend time with Tessa.”
I decided not to mention him to Mom. I knew any conversation we had on that subject would end up with me being annoyed at her. So, I left it at that.
Mom found a parking space a few blocks away and the two of us walked up and down Broughton Street, looking in all the fancy items in the windows, pointing out different things that caught our fancy. We window shopped for a couple of hours until we walked past a resale clothing shop that I adored. Mom went in without saying anything, motioning me to follow. I looked around and found a shirt, a skirt, a cute sweater, and a necklace that I loved. I went to pay for them, but my mom beat me to it.
“Happy birthday,” she winked and handed the store clerk some money. We ate dinner at an American restaurant and went to an ice cream parlor for dessert. It really had turned out to be a much better birthday that I thought it would be.
Chapter Twenty
The month of July went by in a blur. It started off great with me still on a high from my birthday weekend, but then I slowly went back to being numb.
Everything in Savannah reminded me of him. My mom’s house, the floral shop, the coffee shop next door, and all of my favorite places like the park and Bonaventure made me feel wretched inside. I kicked myself, wondering why I ever brought him to those places.
I knew why, because I wanted to give him a piece of myself, to hopefully make him fall in love with me, to stay with me. It stung, I should have known how it would end, especially since he told me he was leaving from the beginning. I kept reliving the pain over and over again, until I had to either shut off or fall into a depression.
So I shut off. I checked out.
I went through the motions of doing all of my routines, finishing the classwork for my online classes and working at the floral shop. When I wasn’t keeping myself busy, I sat in my mom’s backyard flower garden. It was the one place that meant something to me that I never shared with him. I could go there and not be surrounded by memories of his smile, of his touch…
Despite it all, I thought I was doing well, conversing with others and smiling when it was called for. But apparently Tessa and my mom noticed. My mom would give me worried looks and constantly try to get me to eat even though I wasn’t hungry. She mostly kept her comments to herself, Tessa didn’t. She called me one night, near the end of July.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” she screeched. “You’re like a zombie! You don’t call me or text me unless I do it first. And even then you barely say anything!”
I winced as I listened to her rant. Why couldn’t she leave me alone about this? I had seen her sad over a guy before, and I let her grieve. I needed to grieve too. But in the back of my mind, I knew I hadn’t been a good friend to her. She deserved so much better than me in that moment.
“I know, I’m sorry.” I said in a quiet voice.
“See! That’s what I’m talking about!” she yelled. “It’s him, isn’t it? You’re depressed over him.”
“I’m not depressed,” I told her, “I’m processing it. Leave it alone, Tessa.” Ugh. Why couldn’t she drop it?
“Leave it alone?! Are you serious right now?!” She was yelling again. I had to pull the phone away from my ear. “I’m calling your mom and we’re getting you out of Savannah!”
“I’ll be fine,” I said, but I knew I hadn’t convince her. “I’ll be back at school in a few weeks.” Tessa was quiet for a minute, before speaking again.
“You were feeling pretty good when you were here for your birthday, right?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Well, what changed between then and now?”
“I don’t know, Tessa.” I sighed. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I knew she wouldn’t let it go. “I just don’t want to be reminded of him anymore.” She was quiet, again, on the other end of the phone.
“We need to get you out of Savannah.” She said, determination in her voice. “A change of scenery did you good a few weeks ago, and it’ll help you with what your going through now.” I understood what she was saying, but I wasn’t convinced it would work. “I’m calling your mom and you’re coming back.”
At that point, I’d try anything. I knew I was drowning. “Okay,” I told her. “I’ll talk to her tonight and I’ll let you know tomorrow when I’m coming back.”
“I’m holding you to that.”
I sighed. She definitely would. I dreaded talking to my mom because I didn’t want to hear how better off I was without him in my life. But, Tessa was right. I needed to go back to school.
We said our goodbyes and I looked at the clock on my phone. Mom would be home from work in about 45 minutes. I realized that I hadn’t cooked since he left and I was pretty sure my mom was tired of take out. I looked in the pantry and the refrigerator, knew we had all the ingredients for spaghetti and a salad. The sauce came from a jar, but it was better than nothing, right?
I had just finished putting the salad together when Mom walked through the front door. She came into the kitchen with a smile on her face.
“You’re cooking,” she said. I just nodded then went in search of a couple plates. Her smile fell when she realized that not much about my demeanor had changed even though I made dinner.
I put the plates and silverware on the table and sat in my usual seat. I waited for her to sit down too, but she went further into the kitchen to fix us a couple glasses of water. Damn, I forgot the drinks.
We ate in silence for several minutes, her glancing at me warily the whole time. Finally, I spoke.
“Mom, I’m going back to school early.” She put her fork down on her plate and stared at me. “Tim is doing great at the floral shop, so you don’t need me to fill in, and you are feeling like your old self again. It’s time for me to go back.”
“It’s because of Brogan, isn’t it?” she asked. I winced and felt pain for the first time in a while.
“Yes,” I said, “but please, let’s not talk about him.”
“I’ve watched you mope around here for almost a month over him. Someone you shouldn’t have even gotten involved with in the first place.” The ice around my heart started to crack. I didn’t want to feel this, but she kept going. “I told you that he wasn’t good for you, but you didn’t listen. I’m sorry you got hurt, but I’m glad he’s gone.”
My mouth gaped open and tears welled up in my eyes. She sat back in her chair, waiting for me to say something.
“You’re right, at least partly,” I said wiping tears from my eyes. She went there, so I needed to respond. “I only have myself to blame because he told me he was leaving, well before he actually did. I let my heart get involved, even though I knew how it would end.”
She huffed a laugh, “You have no idea how badly it could have ended. Out of all the men you could have fallen for, you fell for him.” She looked at h
er plate, and twirled spaghetti on the end of her fork. “You’re just like me, getting involved with the wrong men.”
I watched her, waiting for her to say more. It seemed like she wanted to tell me something about her past, because it was a reflection of my present. But that was all she said.
“I’ll be fine,” I finally said, breaking the silence. “I’ve learned from my mistakes.” She looked up from her plate and nodded. It looked like she was going to cry, but held it back.
But then she said, “Good. Go ahead and go back to school. Tessa will take your mind off of him and get you back to yourself.”
We finished our meal and cleaned up in silence. I was afraid she would say something else hurtful and I was over feeling pain for the night, so I kept my distance from her. When the last of the dishes were put away, I went to my bedroom to pack. I needed to wash some of my clothes, so I did a couple of loads of laundry, and put everything else in my bags and suitcases.
When all of my clothes were folded and packed away, I went into the garden to just sit. It was close to 11:00. All of the fireflies were gone, but I could still hear the crickets in the distance. I closed my eyes and I listened to their song. It seemed like they were playing just for me.
The ice around my heart cracked even further, but instead of pain I felt peace. I had been searching for that feeling, and I found it in my mom’s flower garden. I shouldn’t have been surprised.
When you close yourself off from feeling the bad, you lose all of the other feelings too. I needed to let myself feel if I was going to get back to being me again. No more being numb. I sighed deeply, feeling resolved.
I left the next morning after breakfast. Mom was teary-eyed as she hugged me goodbye. She cried every time I went back to college from summer or winter break. We had always been close because we were all we had for so long. Now I had a great friend and she had the floral shop. We had other stuff besides each other, but I knew I would still miss her. Just like she would miss me.
