by Rinna Ford
I got to Atlanta right before lunchtime. Tessa wasn’t home when I got to our apartment, so I started to unloaded the jeep by myself. I had just left my apartment to get a second load of bags when Jesse walked out of his apartment. His eyes went big, obviously surprised to see me.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey Jesse,” I responded. He just stood there and stared at me. Feeling awkward, I gave him a tight smile then turned to walk down the stairs toward the parking lot. I got all the way to the bottom when I heard his footsteps coming down behind me. I opened the back of my jeep and took out the last of my bags.
“Let me help you with that.” He took all but one of my bags in his strong arms and smiled. I returned his smile and locked my jeep.
He led us back up the stairs and into my apartment. Jesse walked into my bedroom like he had done hundreds of times before, and set the bags on the floor.
“Thanks,” I said. He looked at me like he wanted to say something, but was holding back, making it awkward again. Finally he spoke.
“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have treated you the way that I did. I know you don’t want me back and I’ll be beating myself up for that for the rest of my life.”
I stood there stunned with his speech. “Thank you.”
I stared into his eyes, seeing his sincerity, and I felt lighter. He gave me small smile and nodded at me.
“I’ll see you later,” he said. I smiled at him and he stepped around me and out of my apartment. I sat down on my bed and sighed. Maybe coming back here was a good idea after all.
I was almost finished unpacking when Tessa came home. “Hey, roomie!” she yelled.
I put down a stack of shirts I was holding and walked into the living room. Tessa was standing in the kitchen with the front door wide open, and getting ready to drop the dozen grocery bags she had stacked up both arms. I rushed over and took some of the bags from her and set them on the counter.
“What did you get?” I asked with a smirk. Tessa loved grocery shopping more than she loved to go shopping for clothing, which was a lot. She always came home with too much food. I began looking through the bags when I noticed Tessa looking me over.
“You haven’t been eating,” she stated. I sighed.
“I ate. When I remembered to.” She continued to look at my form.
“That wasn’t very often, was it? You’re practically skin and bones!”
I rolled my eyes because she was exaggerating. Yes, I had lost weight, but my clothes still fit even though they were a little loose.
“It’s not that bad, Tessa.” I told her.
She shook her head and started putting away the groceries. After everything was in its place, she made a turkey sandwich and put it on a plate. She passed it over to me and gave me a look that told me she wasn’t moving until I ate it all. I rolled my eyes and made myself a glass of lemonade. Then I sat on a stool at the counter, and as slowly as possible, ate the entire sandwich. I smiled the whole time because of how much I was annoying her.
When it was all gone she huffed out a thank you. I laughed out loud. Coming back to Atlanta early was definitely a good idea.
Chapter Twenty-One
Three days after coming back to Atlanta, I got a phone call from my advisor at the university. The architectural landscape firm that I was interning for, J. Wilby Architectural Landscape, wanted me to come in the next week to go through initial training. I guess it really was a good idea to come back early.
As soon as I hung up the phone with my advisor, I went into preparation mode. I had already done major research on the firm I’d be interning for so I was set on that. I was at the top of my group in all my core classes, so I was knowledgeable in the field. All that was left was deciding what to wear.
Tessa came home from her job at a local coffee shop that afternoon to find me sorting through my clothes and making outfits. She laughed as she took in my bedroom. It looked like a tornado had gone through it with clothes strewn all over every available surface.
“What are you doing?” she asked me as she walked further into the room.
“I start at Wilby on Monday and I need to get my outfits together.”
I knew that I looked insane, as I was trying to decide between two different styles of black pants to go with a top. She took the articles of clothing out of my hands and laid them on the bed.
“You’ll be fine,” she said, looking at me in the eye. “You’ve wanted to do this since before I met you. You’re smart, hardworking, and aggressive when it counts. You’ve got this.” I nodded, taking deep breaths. The panic started fading away.
Tessa had one more semester of core classes at college before starting her student teaching at a middle school in the area. She, like me always knew what she wanted to do. Her mom was a high school math teacher. So Tessa, who looked up to her single mother, had wanted to be just like her. She was going to teach math too. I guarantee that when it was time for her to start her student teaching, she wouldn’t have the doubts like I did. Tessa was always so calm and confident.
She was right though, I knew this stuff backwards and forwards, and I had a passion for it. Borrowing a little of her confidence, I nodded at her again and began cleaning my room. I had this.
I started the following Monday with an all day training event, then I was assigned to a department for the remainder of my internship. Since I wanted to be a landscape designer, I was assigned to that department. It was the largest part of the firm since that was the majority of the work they did, but there were also departments for scientists and building managers as well. I was scheduled to rotate between four of the designers, and so far I was happy with my first assignment. Sure, there was a lot of getting coffee and making copies, but I was also included in the creating and planning of a courtyard for a new high rise going up in the next year.
I was starting to feel like my old self again, just like my mom said I would. By the end of August, I could go most of the day without thinking about him. When I wasn’t at work, I was hanging out with Tessa and Joe. We stayed in most of the time, because my internship was unpaid, but I was getting my life back. Jesse even hung out with us from time to time. It was definitely awkward, but we stopped trying to avoid each other and that made things a little better between us. We’d never be friends, but at least I didn’t want to kick him in the nuts every time I saw him.
It was a couple of days into September when I woke up and I noticed that my breasts hurt. I rubbed them gently, making circles to try and ease the pain. This usually happened right before I started my period, but I wasn’t sure when I was due to start. I thought back, remembering that I had my period not long after going to Savannah in early June, but I couldn’t remember having a period after that.
Shit.
I took a shower and got dressed for work, trying not to panic. I had lost weight and that sometimes affects a woman’s cycle. But I didn’t think I had lost that much weight, so it probably wasn’t that.
I went to work and tried to take my mind off of it, but late that morning the client from the high rise courtyard came in to discuss a part of the design. He was a middle-aged man with slicked back raven black hair that was graying at the temples. He wore an expensive suit and put on his cologne like he bathed in it. At least that’s what it seemed like when I got a whiff of him. As politely as possible, I excused myself from the meeting and tried not to throw up all over our client. When I got on the other side of the closed conference room door, I sprinted for the bathroom. I had never run so fast in heels before.
I made it to the toilet just in time to see my breakfast come up. When I knew I was done, I rinsed out my mouth and tried to make myself presentable. There wasn’t a lot I could do since I looked like death, warmed over.
I walked out of the bathroom and passed the owner of the firm in the hallway. Jessica Wilby had met with myself and the other two interns on our first day and took us out to lunch to get to know us, so she was famil
iar with me.
“Alya, are you alright?” she asked, lightly grabbing ahold of my arm to stop me as I passed her. I gave her a weak smile and nodded my head. “Sweetie, you look awful,” Mrs. Wilby told me. “Go on home, and I’ll take care of everything here. You’re working with Hank, aren’t you?” I nodded my head again, afraid to speak. She gave me a motherly smile. “I’ll let him know.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Wilby,” I told her.
“You’re welcome. And let us know in the morning if you’re still too sick to make it in to work.”
“I will, thank you.” I gave her another weak smile, then walked to my desk to retrieve my purse. I only made one stop on the way home, and that was to a drug store to pick up a pregnancy test.
I sat on the edge of the tub in the bathroom I shared with Tessa. I stared at that little white rectangular test and waited. Turned out I didn’t have to wait for long. Within a minute, PREGNANT in big bold letters, printed on the screen.
Shit.
I picked it up and stared at it, hoping NOT would somehow appear before the word pregnant. But it never did.
Double shit.
I wrapped the pregnancy test and box in toilet paper and put it in the main trash can in the kitchen. I started to walk away, but decided to take the trash out to the dumpster so Tessa wouldn’t find it. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I knew I wanted to keep it to myself for the time being. I quickly walked the trash bag down to the dumpster at the end of the apartment building, paranoid that someone would figure out what I was doing. I knew it was ridiculous, but I was panicking.
I got back into my apartment and decided to take a shower. I tended to do my best thinking in the shower, not to mention how well it relaxed me. I turned on the water and when it was warm enough, stepped in and let the it wash over me.
What was I going to do? I was obviously going to have to raise this baby alone, without the father. Abortion was out of the question for me, and I didn’t have the strength to give the baby up for adoption. I had no doubt that Mom and Tessa would be there for me. Mom would be disappointed in me, but I knew she would be supportive. She was a single mom herself.
But what about my internship? I could still do that, right? By my calculations, the baby would be due sometime around March. My internship was scheduled to wrap up at the end of February, so that could possible work.
I was feeling a lot better about the situation, when the water started to run cold. I turned off the water and stepped out onto the bathmat. After drying off, I wrapped myself in my fluffy yellow bathrobe and slipped into my bed. I got under the sheets and laid there. I turned my head toward my nightstand and saw my phone. It beeped and lit up as a text came through from Tessa. I picked up the phone and read it and sent her a quick response.
I started to put it back on my nightstand when I hesitated. I knew I would more than likely have to do this without him, but I would beat myself up if I didn’t at least try to let him know I was having his baby. I didn’t think this would make him suddenly be able to stay with me, I wasn’t totally delusional after all. I wouldn’t want him to stay with me only because of these circumstances anyway. But he’d want to know, right?
A couple of months before I had changed the contact from his name to just “Him.” I didn’t have the heart to delete it, and in that moment, I was thankful that I still had it. I knew it would be a long shot, but I decided to send him a text.
Me: There’s something important I need to tell you. Please call me when you get this.
I waited for a few minutes and got nothing.
Me: Please, Brogan
Tears filled my eyes as I hit SEND. I hadn’t let myself even think his name in the last two months. I was doing well, but I was scared this new development would send me right back to where I was when he left. I was going to have his baby. Brogan’s baby.
The tears began to stream down my cheeks as that though settled in my brain. I absentmindedly put my hand over my belly where the sweet baby rested, and let the tears fall.
Tessa woke me up when she got home later that afternoon from school. “Sweetie, what are you doing home?” she asked, looking at me with concern. I sat up in bed and looked back at her.
“I wasn’t feeling well so they sent me home.” I didn’t elaborate. I may have made most of the decisions, but I still wasn’t ready to tell anyone, even Tessa.
“I can make you some chicken soup before I start working on homework, okay?”
I gave her a small smile and nodded. She got up and left the room. While she was making something for me to eat, I decided to put some clothes on. I was still in my bathrobe with a towel wrapped around my head.
After I had changed and put my damp hair into a messy bun, I climbed back into bed. I reached over and grabbed my phone from the nightstand. There were no new messages from him or anyone else. I sighed as I put it back.
Rolling over so I was lying on my side, I thought about what I went through when he left. I struggled being in Savannah because everything reminded me of him. I had taken him to my favorite places because I wanted to give him a part of me, when in reality he had left a part of himself with me. I huffed out a laugh at the thought. Hopefully I could survive this.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I was a little nauseous the next morning, but it was manageable. I Googled the shit out of morning sickness remedies, and one of them was to eat crackers before getting out of bed in the morning. It seemed like an easy option, so before going to bed the night before, I put a sleeve of saltines in the drawer of my nightstand. It worked like a charm. I was able to get dressed and ready for work with only a little discomfort after eating a couple of the dry crackers.
It worked so well I decided to take another sleeve of crackers with me to work and leave them in a desk drawer. I’m glad I did, because the nausea came and went for most of the day. My trusty saltines helped me out a lot.
The next few weeks went by pretty much the same. I was nauseous almost constantly, so I seemed to be eating crackers all the time. Tessa still didn’t know what was going on with me, because I still hadn’t told her. She knew something was up, but I told her it was just stress from work. I hated lying to her, but I still wasn’t ready to tell anyone, even her.
I also hadn’t heard back from Brogan, even though I texted or called his phone number every day. I started slipping back into a depression with every day I didn’t get a response from him. My head knew that I was on my own with this, but my heart held out hope that he would be there for me. For us.
The day after I found out about the baby I made an appointment to meet with an OBGYN. The nurse I talked to when I called determined that I would be around 8 weeks along and scheduled my appointment for that week. She told me that we would do an ultrasound to see the baby and listen to its heartbeat.
I was a complete wreck the day of my appointment. It finally seemed real and I didn’t think I could do it all on my own. Being a single mom was not how I imagined having a baby. I had always pictured being married to a smart, funny, handsome guy and he would hold my hand as we saw our baby for the first time. I’d see love and devotion in his eyes and know they were reflected in my own. Reality was much different than the fantasy I painted in my mind when I was a girl. At this point, I’d settle for just a text back from him.
That afternoon I took off early from work and went to my doctor’s appointment. I sat in the waiting room for what seemed like hours, which was probably closer to a few minutes, and felt sicker and sicker. I knew the nausea I was feeling wasn’t totally because of the baby, but there was nothing I could do about it.
Finally, my name was called, and I walked into the office area. I was told to pee in a cup in the bathroom, then go into the exam room two and wait for the doctor. I didn’t have to wait long for the doctor who knocked lightly on the door and walked in with a big smile.
Dr. Nichols was a woman in her 40’s with brown hair pulled into a neat ponytail and kind eyes. I immediately liked her.
She had a calming effect that made me want to trust her.
She held out her hand for me to shake when she got close to the exam table. “Hi, Alya. I’m Dr. Nichols.”
“Hi,” I responded, giving her a smile in return. She sat down on a little round rolling chair and looked at her chart.
“So I see you’re 8 weeks pregnant.” She looked up at me with another smile. I just nodded, unable to speak. “Okay, let’s take a look.” She got up and walked to the ultrasound machine. I had already removed my pants and underwear and had a sheet draped over my lower half. The nerves that were chased away when Dr. Nichols walked in came back full force. I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths as she began to do the ultrasound. I was concentrating on breathing in and out when I heard her say, “There it is.”
My eyes popped open and looked directly at the screen. I saw what looked like a little bean floating around. She then turned a dial on the machine and I heard the most glorious sound.
“The heartbeat sounds great,” she smiled, “and the baby looks good, too. Right at 8 weeks.”
Tears started to leak from my eyes and I put my hand over my mouth. This moment would be something I’d remember for the rest of my life. It was real, and I was so completely happy about it.
I think Dr. Nichols felt how amazed I was by the experience because she stayed quiet while she finished up and put the machine away. She told me to get dressed and she would be back in to discuss the next steps. She handed me a couple of ultrasound pictures before leaving the room. I had to put them down or I’d never stop looking at them, and got dressed. I then sat on the table and stared at the pictures of my little bean. My baby.
