Blood surged through her body and headed straight for her sex. The swollen lips protecting it were no deterrent and she pressed harder, waiting for the tingle. Once she found that, there was no turning back. Around and around her fingers swirled. She dipped them inside the opening of her cunt and drew the moisture up to her nub, sliding against it sensuously—dip, circle, slide. She had her rhythm now and she felt each foot on the rung of the ladder, climbing higher and higher. Her moans were soft, but her breathing was raspy, filling her head with a cacophony of pleasure. She drew closer and stepped back. She took a breath and slowed her movements. Opening her eyes, she saw Max standing beside the bed watching her.
“Max, what—?”
“Don’t stop, baby. I like to watch you come.” In the fading light, she saw Max’s hand moving against the front of his slacks. It made her moan and she returned to her task in earnest. She had no idea how close he might be, but she wasn’t waiting any longer. Desire overtook her and she reached for the prize. She heard the zipper of his slacks, the clunk of his shoes and felt the depression as he climbed on the bed between her thighs.
“That’s it, let it happen. Come for me, baby.”
Bel let her orgasm sweep through her as the blood pounded in her ears. Her legs taut, her body trembling, she flowed with the tide. Max opened her legs wider. He began to slap her clit with the head of his cock. Bel wanted to stop him, she was too sensitive, but she couldn’t speak. She rolled from one orgasm to the next as he smacked her again and again. She was so wet she could feel tiny droplets spraying onto her belly as he beat her into orgasm after orgasm. Bel wanted to laugh, but couldn’t remember how. She only knew that she was filled with more pleasure than she thought she could stand. Max pressed hard against her nub before thrusting his thick shaft deeply into her. Bel screamed, but couldn’t hear a sound.
She didn’t even think she was breathing anymore, but it didn’t matter. He was moving now. She felt his strokes so acutely against her nerve endings that her pleasure bordered on pain. She thought she might black out, but she struggled to maintain her equilibrium. She didn’t want to miss a single moment. Max pumped harder, his starched cotton shirt and silk tie dragging across her breasts and tummy. She could feel it all. Not on the outside looking in, not floating above her body, not worrying about anything, but feeling. He was inside her, connected—they were one. Her Max was with her and nothing else mattered. He pushed deeply into her and groaned. Kissing her, he whimpered into her mouth as his hot sticky seed filled her. She shattered, exploding into the darkness.
This time it was his tears that flowed softly, dripping onto Bel’s cheeks. She pulled him into her embrace and held him tight. A deep shudder and he collapsed on top of her and sunk into her comfort. Bel stroked his head and wrapped her legs around his.
“Love you so much,” he mumbled between breaths.
“Love you too, my darling.” He raised his head from the crook of her neck and Bel stroked the tears from his face. He had that look again. Bel wasn’t sure if it was shock, disbelief or awe, but she knew it was a good look.
“Bel, I—”
“Shh, it’s okay. Finish undressing and snuggle with me. Tomorrow is another day.” Bel wasn’t sure she was ready for what he had to say and she was too lost in the afterglow to have a serious talk. She watched his body relax. He smiled a bit sheepishly before kissing her and heading for the bathroom.
Bel stared at the ceiling in the darkness trying to keep her thoughts in check. His emotions could be a positive thing. Maybe he had just missed her or realised how happy he was to have her. Or maybe he didn’t know how to tell her the truth—that he had nothing more to give. Maybe that was her goodbye fuck, the intensity of his sadness pouring out through his body.
The mattress dipped when Max climbed into the bed. She was glad he had come home early and even gladder that she didn’t have to drive to the station to pick him up. She was exhausted. The waiting, the worry, the trying to stay on the wrong side of the road hit her head on and she choked back a sob.
“What’s wrong, love?”
“Nothing, I’m just tired. I am glad you are home early. How did you manage that?”
“I missed you. I skipped out on the dinner when no one was looking.”
“You are such a bad boy.”
“But I am your bad boy, Bel. That is, if you’ll still have me?”
“Hmm, can I have some time to think about it?” Bel tried to breathe. What does he mean ‘have me’?
“I’ve been thinking about it.”
“Good things, I hope.”
“Well, I think so. I hope you will, too.” Bel could hear the doubt around the edges of his voice. His cryptic words were making her nervous and she wanted to shake him until he spat it out. It was difficult for her to hold her tongue, but she was frightened so she waited.
“Max, I am frightened.”
“Everything will be okay. I promise—no matter what.”
“I know, darling,” she said in faith while wondering what ‘no matter what’ meant.
Max wrapped his body around hers and Bel snuggled into his warmth. She set the moment in her mind, so she could feel it again on another day—a day when she was alone in her own bed, not sharing his. Sighing, she closed her eyes and let sleep wash over her tired body and troubled mind.
* * * *
The sun was high in the sky when Bel woke. Max wasn’t in the bed. She pulled his shirt over her head and headed downstairs. He was in his study sifting through piles of important-looking documents and had a crease in his brow. Uh-oh, he’s in the mode. She turned and headed to the kitchen for coffee.
She sat at the table letting her coffee grow cold. Suddenly the freeze-dried flakes weren’t so appealing. She dumped it down the sink and went upstairs to get ready for the day. Standing at the mirror, she ‘put on her face’, needing a little extra confidence, and tried to find a natural smile. She knew there was risk involved and maybe she had taken bad odds, but she had to do it. She was no coward. She knew what she wanted and asked for it. Closing her eyes, she thought of happier times. The memories flooded her mind and she at least smiled on the inside. Scrunching up her face, she tried for a wide grin.
“Bel, what are you doing?”
Bel’s eyes flew open and her mouth followed suit when she saw Max’s reflection in the mirror.
“I, uh, was just…” she stammered as the blush stole across her cheeks.
“Never mind. Are you ready? I’d like to take you out for lunch.” Bel thought he sounded serious and composed. He stood beside her, in black trousers and a tapered, striped shirt, not a hair on his head out of place. Bel couldn’t believe how beautiful he was. She looked at him, really looked at him, and knew the man who was standing beside her was all she would ever want. Pressing a smile into her lips she replied, “That would be lovely.”
“Good. Now relax and quit with the fake smiles.” Max kissed her cheek and they headed down to the car.
“I think I’ll drive if you don’t mind,” he offered trying to lighten the mood.
Bel smiled and nodded, but headed to the driver’s side anyway.
“Bel…”
“Oh, sorry.” She sat in the passenger’s seat and allowed Max to buckle her in. No squeeze of her breast, no hand snaking between her thighs. Bel held her breath.
“I promised it would be okay and it will,” he said before kissing her lightly on the lips. Bel stared out of the window, willing her body to relax. They drove for almost an hour, the soft sounds of a saxophone on the CD player breaking their silence. Max seemed lost in his thoughts and Bel could sense he was waging an internal battle. So he hasn’t decided yet. At least it’s not a ‘no’.
* * * *
The inn was nestled at the bottom of a hillside. It had once been a palatial home for a duke or was it an earl? He had told her, but she couldn’t remember. It looked like it had been plucked right out of a historical romance novel. It was perfect, right down to the ivy-covere
d stone walls.
Seated in a quiet corner, Bel realised she was starving. She would feel better about things if she had a full stomach. They ordered and Max continued to drone on about the history of the inn. It’s not that she wasn’t interested—she would’ve loved to own a place like this, have a kitchen of her own—but she had other things on her mind.
“Am I boring you, Bel?”
“What? Uh, no. Sorry, I’m easily distracted when I’m hungry.”
As if on cue, the waiter set the plates of food on the table. Bel tucked into hers, but she noticed Max picking at his and she stopped chewing. Swallowing with a gulp, she reached for his hand. He didn’t pull away, but left it flat on the table.
“What is it, Max?”
“My sweet Bel.” Her name sounded like a sigh.
Oh no, this can’t be good.
“Max, please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.” Bel felt the shift in power. Now she was in control.
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“But?” She looked at him intently, not willing to let him off the hook.
“But I am not sure I am cut out for another family. What we have is so good. I don’t want to risk that. I don’t want to risk us falling out of love.”
“Do you think that’s what would happen?” Suddenly she wasn’t sure who needed convincing.
“Of course not, it’s just… There is always a chance.”
“Yes, and there is also a chance we could be happy.” Her voice was strong, determined.
“We’re happy now, aren’t we?” His words were true, but his delivery lacked conviction.
“Yes,” she said dropping her eyes from his searching gaze.
“But?”
“But there is a lot of sadness, too.”
“I know. You know I hate that. I get sad, too. I miss you too, you know.” Bel squeezed his hand and held her grip tightly.
“I know. I just thought that maybe we could spend a little more time together.”
“Bel, you know it’s not enough. Maybe for a while, but then we will be right back at having this same conversation.”
“Max, I don’t want to end this. I would rather it be like this than not at all.”
“I want you to be happy. I want you to have everything your heart desires—I love you so much.”
“Then give me what my heart desires.” Bel felt the pure release of asking for what she wanted.
“I don’t know if I can. I am giving all I am capable of.” Max dropped his gaze, and Bel could hear resignation in his tone.
“Do you really believe that?”
Max was quiet and Bel knew the discomfort she was causing, but he needed to face his issues. All she had ever asked is that he gave the best of himself when they were together, however often that was.
“Bel, maybe you should walk away. Find a nice guy that will come home at the end of the day. Someone to cut your grass and watch football on the couch. Someone that will be there.”
“I don’t want a nice guy, I want you.” She looked into his eyes with sincerity.
“Why thank you, you’re much too kind.” His chuckle was warm and genuine and Bel wanted to laugh, she just couldn’t find the humour.
“You know what I mean. You said you don’t want to lose me.”
“I don’t. I am trying to do right by you.”
“Well, don’t. You cannot make me walk away. This is my choice. Promise me when—if—the time comes, you will let me make the choice.” Bel was agitated—this wasn’t going at all as she had planned.
“You know I cannot deny you, my love. I just feel so bad.”
“Well, you’ll forgive me if I am in no mood to assuage your guilt.”
“Please don’t be angry.” His plea twisted in Bel’s gut. She hated to disappoint him.
“I’m not angry,” she shouted over the hush of the nearly empty dining room. “It’s just that I thought, well, you have said things the past couple of days that made me think this would be an entirely different conversation.”
“I know and I am sorry. I have been alternating between yes, please and oh, my God, no!”
“Glad I could serve as your sounding board,” she replied caustically.
“Bel, I am human, too. I miss you already and you haven’t even left yet. I think about how wonderful it would be to wake in your arms every day.” Max lifted their clasped hands and kissed her knuckles.
“So the problem is…”
“The problem is I don’t know what the answer is.” Max let go of her hand and rubbed his own across his face.
“Then I think, perhaps, you have already answered it,” she said, sighing with resignation. “Bel, do you remember the night we met?”
“Of course,”
“You were very angry. Why?”
“Because your friends were assholes.” She couldn’t hold back her hostility. Why did he have to go back?
“Think again, love.” He waited. Bel knew where he was going and she hated him for it. Now it had to be about her.
“You were angry because you did not stand up for yourself, for what you knew was right, and that was just about food.”
“Okay! I get it. I am weak and hopeless. I have no pride when it comes to you.” Bel threw her hands in the air, her voice barely a whisper as she reached the end of her rant.
“Bel, you are far from weak or hopeless. It’s not about pride. Your love for me is not wrong. And, no matter what you believe, I love you just as much.” His gaze was searching, questioning.
The tears rolled from her eyes and she didn’t care. Her heart was breaking and it hurt. She didn’t know if she would ever recover. Part of her knew he was right, but her heart said that he was dead wrong. She couldn’t walk away from all they had shared. They had made each other whole again, alive, and she wanted to enjoy that life with him. She would wait, she knew. Somehow she knew it would all work out. She just had to believe.
“I believe you said, ‘It will all be okay.’ You promised.” She sniffed loudly, feeling like a child.
“That I did and I am a man of my word. I will try, Bel. I will do anything for you that I can.”
“Then how about we try for every other month and we always have a plan for next time before we say goodbye.” Bel knew she was giving in again and wondered how long she would last before the new arrangement was not enough. He was right, she needed more, deserved more, but she just couldn’t see her future without him in it.
“That sounds reasonable. So, next time I’ll be coming to your house and meeting your family.”
“Oh, Max, that may be the end. I mean you’ll adore Candace, but you haven’t met my mother.” Bel laughed heartily in spite of her sadness and Max squeezed her hand. Somehow it would be okay. It had to be. It wasn’t the outcome she had hoped for but she couldn’t give him up. The honesty and openness of their discussion gave Bel a bit of peace. She didn’t have to suffer in silence or hold back any longer. She might drive him mad with her ramblings, but her thoughts were certainly not going to be enough to drive him away. She hoped.
* * * *
On the way home they stopped and wandered through another quaint village filled with antique shops, bookshops and bakeries. Bel had to wonder how many pounds she’d put on, but she was fairly certain she had worked it off in the bedroom. The mood was cautiously light and Bel worked hard to be okay. It was their last night together and she didn’t want to spoil it.
“Shall we pick up some goodies at the bakery to take home for teatime?” She clutched his hand and dragged him towards the plate glass window showcasing an assortment of delicious confections.
“You know I don’t eat too many sweets, love.”
“And you know I do.” Bel stood on tiptoes and kissed his cheek.
“Yes, except you leave in the morning.” His delivery was calm but Bel knew he hated to say those words.
She dropped her head, her cheerful demeanour lost in reality.
“Come on, let�
�s go in and find something for your breakfast then.” A rare fake smile consumed his face and Max pulled on her hand, leading her towards the door of the bakery.
“Never mind, Max, not hungry anymore.” Bel’s gaze remained on the sidewalk hoping to find an answer in the worn pavement.
“Bel, I know this is hard. I know it is. I just want you to be okay. I want you to be all the things you want to be. I want you to be happy.”
Bel looked at him openly, she knew her sadness and disappointment was probably showing in her eyes.
“My love, my sweet Bel. Happiness is a choice we make every day, regardless of our circumstances.” Max stroked her cheek softly, his care evident in his warm gaze.
“I know. I am happy most of the time, you know that. I have a full life, a wonderful child—family and friends that love me.”
“But?”
Bel hesitated, she wanted him to know the truth but she was afraid he would find her unconditional love a threat to his freedom. “But not being able to share that with you makes it seem as though something is missing. There is always a bit of melancholy floating around the edges of my happiness.”
“I know. It seems that when I am doing something that makes me happy, I miss you even more than I do on the lonely nights I am wishing you were here.” Max sighed loudly. Bel felt his pain.
“You are always there when I need you most, the sad times when I cannot handle one more minute of being apart, and I am grateful that you put up with my—emotional outbursts, as you call them,” she said, a soft chuckle following her speech..
“I did not mean that in a bad way, I just struggle with the intensity of your raw pain sometimes. It is not that I don’t feel those things, too. I have just learnt how to manage it alone.”
Playing House Page 6
