by Martha Carr
Yumfuck watched from behind the desk, covering his mouth with his furry hand and laughing wildly. He hadn’t seen anything that funny in a very long time. He wasn’t the least bit sorry that he’d scared the hell out of the thief. As far as Yumfuck was concerned, he deserved every second of it for trying to steal someone else’s stuff.
The robber took a deep breath and let it out again, finally feeling his heart began to slow down. He looked around the floor but didn’t see any sign of the rat. He was starting to think he was losing his mind, that maybe he’d imagined it. He shook his head and put his hands on the desk.
As the burglar was about to pull himself up, he looked into a partially open drawer and saw several stacks of cash inside. He grabbed the handle, pulling it open. “At least I can leave with a gratuity.”
Yumfuck slapped his little paws against his forehead. He shook his head, realizing that some people just didn’t take the hint. “Going to have to break out the big show.”
He ran over to the center of the floor and quickly grew to his full eight feet. The thief was taking the cash out but slowed as Yumfuck’s large shadow dropped over him, snuffing out the light coming through the window. Yumfuck balled his fists and let out a loud growl, as loud as he could muster, blowing the thief’s hat off his head and hair back. After the growl came to a finish, Yumfuck also let out a long, loud fart, a puff of green air floating up toward the ceiling.
Yumfuck laughed loudly and shrugged. “Too much Chex Mix. That was a salty one.”
Very slowly, the thief dropped a wad of cash back into the drawer and raised his head. His eyes grew wide as they scanned Yumfuck’s large, hairy body. The troll’s green tuft of hair brushed the ceiling. He opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, he passed out.
Yumfuck rolled his eyes and sighed. “Not again.”
He caught the thief just before he hit the ground. The man was completely out. Yumfuck gripped him tightly around the waist and thought about what to do with him for a moment. He couldn’t take him to the police. They weren’t quite ready to see an eight-foot-tall troll. At the same time, though, he was a thief, and Yumfuck wasn’t going to let him get out of this without some sort of punishment.
Figuring it was the best option, Yumfuck sat him on the floor with his back against the desk, and his hands behind his back. He shrank himself to six feet and grabbed a pen and piece of paper, quickly scratching out a note. He propped the note on the robber’s stomach and tilted his head back against the desk.
Yumfuck looked at him for a moment and raised an eyebrow. “I guess that’ll have to do.”
He shrank back down to three feet and pulled his cape and mask from his backpack and tied them on before heading out of the study doors. He hurried across the living room and to the front door, which was still propped open slightly from the intrusion. As he stepped a furry foot into the moonlight, he heard someone coming down the hallway from upstairs. He quickly moved down the steps to the bushes and in front of the study’s window.
Yumfuck waited just a moment. He didn’t want to get caught leaving the house, but he also needed to make sure everything went correctly. The last thing he wanted was for someone to get hurt because he left the burglar sitting on the floor. The lights in the study flashed on, and Yumfuck ducked into the plants.
“What the hell! Someone broke into the house! Wait… There’s someone passed out next to my desk. What is this?” the voice said from inside.
“Be careful. You don’t know if he’s dangerous,” another voice said.
“There’s a note… It says he came here to rob us! What the… But he’s sorry?”
The woman’s voice cackled for a moment, then went serious. “Call the police! And for Pete’s sake, tie him up or something. I don’t know why he’s passed out, but it looks like he peed himself…”
Yumfuck smiled and hurried down the block away from the house. He slowed as he left the place in the distance, brushing his hands together in triumph. As he made his way toward home, feeling accomplished for the things that he had achieved, his stomach began to growl.
Yumfuck put his hand on his belly then pulled his pack around in front of him as he walked. “Nothing works up an appetite like defending the innocent and catching bad guys! This was a job well done.”
Yumfuck pulled out a small bag of Cheetos that he’d hidden from Leira and opened it, taking a deep sniff of the cheesy powder that wafted out. “Yum!”
He upended the bag, swallowing all the Cheetos with a crunch, and sighed. He balled up the bag and tossed it into one of the sidewalk trashcans. Before walking away, he looked down at several pieces of trash on the ground around it. He shook his head, picked up the garbage, and put it in the bin.
“Protecting the innocent and the planet at the same time. A good night’s work. It’s time to go home.”
With that, Yumfuck scurried down the street and through the alleys, making his way home before the sun could even begin to come up.
9
Leira trudged into the house, tossing her keys in the bowl by the door. She was just getting home from the mansion after an intense workout and a conversation with the queen of the Elves. When she walked through the door, she knew that there was no one else home. All the lights were off, and Correk’s familiar snore was missing.
Her arms dangled at her sides as she moved through the living room and into the bedroom. She clicked on the lamp by the bed and stripped out of her workout clothes. She knew she had to shower, but at that moment she just wanted to relax. She grabbed a pair of jeans and a white T-shirt and threw them on. Sitting down on the side of the bed, she pushed her feet into her favorite blue and orange running shoes and laced them up tightly.
When she was done, Leira looked over her shoulder at Correk’s empty side of the bed with the still-smooth blanket. “We’ve got to do a better job of syncing our calendars.”
Leira sighed, knowing it was all part of the job, and flipped the light back off as she walked into the living room. She didn’t stop to sit on the couch, but went straight to the kitchen when her stomach rumbled loudly. Leira scanned the refrigerator shelves looking for something to eat. She stood up and rolled her eyes. Everything required her having to cook. She lifted an eyebrow, noticing the empty Chex Mix boxes in the trash.
Leira picked one up out of the trash and tipped it over, but not even a crumb fell out. She laughed, since she had just bought those that day. “Alien metabolism is the best. If I had eaten this many boxes of Chex Mix, you’d have to roll me out of this house on a stretcher. And to think, I am part elf, which makes me part alien, yet my metabolism moves at a glacial pace.”
She tossed the box back in the trashcan and closed the lid, walking over to scan the cabinet shelf. She moved a few things around and reached to the back, grabbing a box of mac & cheese she had saved for a moment like this. She held it up to her lips, kissing it in relief. “Oh, Kraft, you have saved me once again from either complete starvation or a trip to the local burger joint to further my path toward cardiac arrest and clogged arteries. They should put that on a commercial.”
Leira laughed at her own joke and moved over to the counter to find the pot. She filled the pot partway with water, then turned on the burner under it. She whistled to herself and bobbed her head to the tune as she waited for the water to boil. When the bubbles began to simmer up to the top of the water, she pulled out the cheese packet and tilted the box toward the water.
“Shit…” Leira grumbled, setting the box on the counter instead.
She walked over to the dining room table and grabbed her phone. An alert was going off. She skimmed through the message, then looked at the stove and stuck out her bottom lip. She looked back down at the text from the government letting her know they had a new bounty for her. This one was a special case. It was urgent, and needed her attention immediately.
“Duty calls,” Leira said as she walked over to the stove and turned off the water.
She shoved the cheese
packet back into the box and returned it to the cabinet, sticking it in the back and hoping no one would find it. She scanned the shelves again and grabbed the peanut-butter-and-chocolate protein bar. She was about to walk away but stopped and went back for a second one, slipping it into her pocket just as Yumfuck bounced through the door of the kitchen. He took off his mask and looked down, giving her a surprised face at what she had in her hand. He smiled and wiggled his furry eyebrows at her.
Leira jokingly shook her finger at him. “Don’t judge me. Gotta run.”
Yumfuck shrugged. “Welcome to the party. Took you long enough. Every time I come in the door someone’s leaving.”
Leira walked into her bedroom with Yumfuck following her. She grabbed her things, then looked down at her phone, trying to remember the coordinates. She took a deep breath and began to pull energy into her palms. Her arms glowed and the symbols flipped over slowly. She twisted an orb of light and tossed it into the air, opening a portal. Before she walked in, though, she stopped, just realizing what Yumfuck had said.
She turned to the furry troll with her hands on her hips. “Where’s Correk?”
The troll shrugged, twirling his mask around on his finger. “Righting wrongs and saving the magical kingdom. You know, the norm for this house.”
Leira chuckled. “That does seem to be our calling, doesn’t it? How did you do tonight?”
Yumfuck smiled. “Oh, you know, caught a robber in the middle of a robbery. Nothing too big.”
Leira shook her head with a smile. “I can see it’s not going to your head at all.”
Yumfuck trilled and ran over to her, hugging her leg tightly. “Be careful out there. The whisper in the wind is that things are getting pretty tough with the dark families and Humans First. Just come back in one piece.”
Leira patted him on the head. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
Yumfuck backed up and held up his thumb and pinky, tilting his hand back and forth. “Aloha, motherfucker!”
Leira snorted and rolled her eyes. “Clean your room while I’m gone.”
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Leira hadn’t even gotten one foot into the portal. The energy swirled in front of her and shimmered through her palms. She stood very still for a moment and looked back in the direction of the loud insistent knocking at the front door.
Yumfuck started and grew a bit taller. “I’ll get it.”
Leira grabbed his shoulder, shaking her head. “You clean your room. I’ll get it. Somebody wants in badly, and if it’s a human, I don’t need a troll answering the door.”
“Okay, but I’m gonna wait at the top of the steps to make sure you’re okay,” Yumfuck said loudly over the knocking.
Leira watched Yumfuck disappear up the steps and go around the corner before looking back at the heavy door. The knocking was so hard that it was shaking it on its hinges. Leira’s shoulders tensed. She opened and closed her hands, readying herself for anything. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that whoever was on the other side of the door was very large and powerful.
Leira slowly made her way over and looked out the peephole. When she saw Lucius, she let out a sigh of relief. He was large and powerful, but he was an ally.
“Lucius, you scared me to death. Please, come in,” Leira exclaimed as she opened the door and stepped to the side.
“Thank you.” Lucius nodded and walked inside, closing the door behind him.
Leira looked at him warily, worried about why he was there. She started for the kitchen with Lucius not far behind. “This is where most of our better ideas happen. Actually, this is where most everything happens, considering Correk and Yumfuck do nothing but eat.”
He chuckled as she walked into the kitchen and over to the cabinet, grabbing a bag of Twizzlers from Correk’s shelf. She stuck one in her mouth and held the package out to him. “Would you like one? I mean, they aren’t very good for you, but they’re delicious.”
Lucius shook his head. “I appreciate it, but no, thank you. I just ate dinner. “
Leira lifted her eyebrows. “Lucky you.”
Lucius gave her a strange look but let it go. “I’m sorry to bother you like this, but I just didn’t think I could wait any longer, and I wasn’t sure how to get in touch with you.”
Leira led him over to the table and they sat down across from each other. “It’s all right. Is everything okay?”
Lucius tipped his head back and forth. “Yes and no. Right this second, I suppose it is okay. No one’s in immediate danger, that I know of. But I came here to talk to you about the shifters and our place among the humans and the magical beings.”
Leira puffed out her cheeks and sat back, knowing that was a tough subject. “You guys have been having a rough go of it.”
Lucius reached out and took a Twizzler but didn’t eat it, just twisted it in his hands. “That’s putting it lightly. The shifters have been under attack for generations, as far back as I can remember. The problem is that humans fear us because of what we are—and I believe that will only get worse—and then we are pushed out by the magical community. Obviously, not every shifter is from Oriceran, but you’re a Jasper Elf who was born and raised on Earth, so technically you aren’t from Oriceran either.”
Leira nodded. “I can see how that might be frustrating. Although many of the magical beings out there fear my magical abilities, they still accept me as one of their own.”
Lucius growled slightly and sat up in his chair. “While the shifters are treated as lower-class citizens just because most of them didn’t come from the mother planet. It’s so frustrating! The bottom line, and the reason I came here, is that it has to stop, and soon.”
Leira cleared her throat and sat up in her chair. “What do you propose?”
“We create a new council made up of all types of beings where everyone has an equal vote. It’s the only way I can see the shifters becoming part of society again.”
Leira’s eyes widened. “I’m not into politics, so I’m not sure I’m the girl to help you with this one.”
Lucius nodded almost immediately. “Agreed. You have to remember that I once fought next to a great king. I’m used to being a leader and forming alliances. I don’t mean any disrespect or anything by this, but I don’t need you to help me form a new council.”
Leira smiled sheepishly. “I know. I’m sorry I forgot that. It’s probably the smartest thing you could do. So, if you don’t need me for the council then what do you need me for?”
“I need you to help me find out who’s behind all the attacks. They’re all connected, I can sense that, and my spies have come to the same conclusion. I think we have a common enemy.”
Leira rubbed her hands together. “Okay, now you’re talking. You want my team to fight alongside yours and share information.”
The Light Elf nodded his large head, his long hair falling across his scarred shoulder. “You are a great warrior, Leira Berens. Fight alongside me, and let’s eliminate the terror.”
“Can you guarantee your pack will fight with us, no matter what?”
Lucius stuck out his hand to shake Leira’s. “I give you my word.”
10
The loud crackle of the closing portal no longer affected Leira in the least. She had gotten used to the sound and sight of the magic she produced. She brushed off a couple stray sparks from the portal, then looked up. She had been in San Francisco a couple of times, but never to that area. She was in the Mission District, standing next to a painted mural on the side of a brick wall reflecting a blue ocean made up of faces.
Next door to that was a fancy restaurant touting their Michelin star on a sign out front. “Interesting neck of the woods to be hiding a bounty.”
Leira pulled out her phone and read through the bounty’s background. Since Lucius had stopped her on her way out, she hadn’t had the chance to do all her research before she’d left. She scanned through the information, reading the important parts out loud. “My target is a Light El
f charged with extorting money from local businesses and running a new kind of drug through town. Great, exactly what we need—more drugs.”
Leira scrolled to the section on the drugs. The substance was obviously packed with magic, something no one on Earth had ever seen before. From the looks of it, the humans were having the most problems with it. They were becoming addicted but didn’t live long enough to make many more purchases. Apparently, the drug wasn’t what was killing them. It was that they were hallucinating that they were animals with wings or had superpowers and were jumping off bridges and buildings.
She flipped back to the charges page and read the rest of his file. “Wonderful, he’s suspected of murder and illegal gambling. Is there nothing this guy doesn’t do?”
The next page showed a picture of the perp. He had shaggy blonde hair that was parted on the side and tucked behind his ear. His eyes were crystal blue and his face was thin, with perfectly-sculpted cheekbones. She scrolled down to find his name.
“Marcel Ladslow. Well, Marcel, what are your hobbies besides killing, gambling, and drugs?”
The warnings on the file included armed and dangerous and good with swords. She lifted an eyebrow and read that again. “Don’t see that one all the time. Didn’t know Light Elves liked swords.”
Leira gripped her phone tightly and surveyed her surroundings, falling back on her detective skills. No matter how long she worked in the magical community and used her magic for almost everything, she still liked to use her human detective skills to start every investigation. “Sometimes old-school human is the best way to go. Still not getting a connection to the magical.”
She walked down the block past the restaurants and shops and turned the corner. There was a Starbucks halfway down the block with a steady stream of people going in and out. The people weren’t what she was used to in Washington, DC. Some of them were artsy, carrying various instruments or canvases back from wherever they had been, while others were typical millennials with man buns, goatees, and purple hair. Mixed with those were more than a fair share of techies, staring down at their phones as they drank.
