Never Too Soon

by Tamika Christy

  She knew she had hurt him and she didn’t know how to make things right. “I love you.”

  “Don’t say that.” He pulled his hands from hers and covered his face. “This is hard enough. Please don’t say anything nice to me.”

  Fair enough.

  He was quiet for a long time. “I’m going to miss you, girl.”

  “We can still talk sometimes and—”

  “No,” he cut her off. “As of today, we are no longer a couple. I need to let that sink in. We will see what the future holds. No plans and no promises. That’s the best I can do.”

  She nodded slowly in agreement. He stood up, wrapped his arms around her waist, and kissed her gently on the forehead.

  They walked hand in hand to her car. As she drove away, she looked in the rear view mirror and saw that instead of waiting for her car to disappear like he always did, he had turned his back and walked away.

  Anaya had to face her truth. Letting Carl go was hard and she would miss him, but if they were meant to be, they would get back together. In the meantime, she needed to figure out how to stop putting everything before her needs and truly be happy. But first, she had to figure out what to do about Jeff.

  THIRTY TWO

  O. J. Simpson was being followed on a Los Angeles freeway, it was hotter than normal, and Catie was hungrier than normal. She fanned herself with her hands and sighed so loud Amelia jumped.

  “They will be out soon,” Amelia said in her soft Tinkerbell voice.

  Catie fixed her eyes on Amelia, taking in her dark skin. “You always say that. It’s been four hours. When will they be out?”

  “Soon.” Amelia grinned. “Let’s go to Gunny’s.”

  “No,” Catie snapped. Their moms had just gotten paid, and she wanted real food, not chips. Besides, Angela Parker from down the street told Catie that the new owner was a mean man from Saudi Arabia and that all the kids were afraid to go there, even if they had money. Someone said he hid a gun next to the register.

  Amelia shrugged and picked up an old length of rope they used as a jump rope. Catie sat on the front porch and watched Amelia jump.

  “Wanna jump in?”

  Catie shook her head at Amelia’s happy smile. No, she didn’t want to jump in. She wanted food and she wanted her mom to come out of that stupid bedroom. She put her chin in her palms and stared at the street.

  “Aren’t you hungry?” Catie asked.

  “Yeah. My mom said we are going to Wendy’s for dinner! You guys should come with us.”

  There wasn’t going to be any Wendy’s for Catie. There was never anything left over for her. No money, no attention, nothing. She continued to sulk. She hated her life.

  “Everybody is going to the ballpark to watch the big boys play. You wanna go?” Amelia asked.

  “No.” Catie was sour. Sour at Leah and sour at Amelia for being so darn happy.

  “Come on Catie-Cate. Cheer up!” Amelia sang to the beat of her rope hitting the sidewalk.

  “Stop calling me that. I hate that.”

  “You love it.” Amelia dropped the rope and darted up the stairs to try to pinch Catie’s cheeks. Catie swatted her hand away.

  “Catie-Cate.” Amelia danced around Catie.

  Catie frowned. “I’m going inside.”

  “Come on, Catie-Cate. I’ll just run to Gunny’s. You’ll feel better when you have chips inside you!” And she was off, running at full steam down the street toward the corner store.

  “Amelia, stop!” Catie cried. But Amelia just turned and waved and sprinted off again.

  Catie ran after her, but knew she’d never catch up in time.

  After hearing Catie tell the story, Dr. Rhonda challenged Catie to make contact with Amelia’s mom and to visit Amelia’s grave.

  “This is not your fault,” Rhonda leaned forward as if she was trying to convince Catie with body language. “You have supportive friends and a family who care about you and you can’t live the rest of your life feeling afraid that you will lose them. You lost Amelia, but you aren’t going to lose anyone else.”

  “You can’t guarantee that.” Catie looked at Dr. Rhonda’s awards. “No one can guarantee that.”

  “You are right,” Dr. Rhonda sat back. “But I can guarantee that you will never be happy if you keep living in fear and regret. You have to let that go and free yourself. Amelia’s death was not your fault. And you will not get hurt by opening your heart to your loved ones. You gotta trust, Catie.”

  “How?”

  When Catie got home that evening, Amelia was asleep in her rocker and Antoine was on the couch watching television. She kissed her precious baby on the cheek. Whether she liked it or not, Amelia was a beautiful, curly haired rendition of Antoine.

  Since Amelia’s arrival, the formerly estranged couple had become a baby-rearing machine that managed feeding time, diaper changes, and the night shift without acrimony. They had become closer. They were respectful and honest and had conversations about things that mattered, not just logistical nuances. As Catie learned how far she could work her postpartum body, Antoine gladly volunteered for laundry duty, dinner duty, and anything else that involved bending or climbing stairs. For the first time in a long time, she let Antoine help her. She needed him, and she wasn’t afraid to let him know she needed him. She knew that he wanted to be a part of her life in a meaningful way.

  “You look beautiful today.”

  Surprised, Catie looked up from Amelia to see Antoine admiring her fuller curves. He hadn’t complimented her in so long she almost asked him to repeat himself.

  “Thank you. How was she today?” Catie sat down in the easy chair across from him.

  Antoine shrugged. “She was fine. We missed you though.”

  “Oh?” Antoine missed her? Since when? Looking around, she noticed the dimmed lights and candles. Did he have company while she was gone? She would kill him if he did. He was supposed to be babysitting.

  She remembered that just six weeks ago, he had called her a liar and thrown her past in her face. Catie knew that it had been bad to not tell Antoine about her mom. He seemed to have gotten over it quickly—at least, he hadn’t brought it up again.

  But they hadn’t brought up the texts from the masseuse since that night, either.

  “You wanna tell me about your day? How was Amelia? And why is it all dark in here?”

  “My day was uneventful,” he said. He couldn’t seem to maintain eye contact with her.

  Here we go. He wants to move out and ask for joint custody or something equally inconvenient. Maybe he’s moving in with the masseuse.

  She decided to cut to the punch. “Antoine?”

  “Yes?”

  “Tell me about the masseuse.”

  Antoine didn’t miss a beat. In fact, he seemed relieved as he met her gaze.

  “One of my jobs got cancelled while I was in the valley and I had three hours to kill, so I used the massage gift card that you gave me.” He took a deep breath. “I booked a last-minute massage, and Melissa was the therapist. It was one of those weeks where you hadn’t spoken to me, like, at all. She gave me her card after the massage, and I stupidly put her number in my phone.”

  “Did you like her?” Catie asked. Her voice was flat.

  “I don’t even know. Most of our texts were talking about our day or her asking me to book another massage.” He sat on the edge of the couch and looked her in the eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  “How many times did you see her?”

  “Three times.”

  “Did you have sex with her?”

  “Absolutely not.”

  “Did you kiss her?”

  “No way. It wasn’t like that. She was just . . . easy to talk to. She listened to me and seemed like she needed me. I didn’t—I don’t feel anything for her. I haven’t talked to her since before Amelia was born.”

  Catie studied him. She knew how it felt to pour out your heart about something you regretted only to be met with disbelief. She knew Antoi
ne loved her. He had made a mistake. She didn’t believe he was capable of intentionally hurting her. It didn’t justify his indiscretion, but she finally acknowledged her role in the demise of their relationship. Hearing how neglected he felt and how he had just wanted to be heard by someone made her want to cry and hug him. She hadn’t made life easy for him with her constant barrage of insults, making him sleep on the couch for no reason, and threatening to leave every time she got upset. Everybody needed to feel needed.

  “I believe you,” Catie said decisively, forgiving him without a second thought.

  Antoine looked shocked. “Wait. You believe me?”

  She nodded solemnly. “I do.” She loved him, and she wanted to try to make him happy the way he had always tried to make her happy.

  He scooted off the couch and knelt in front of her chair. “Then can I ask you a question?”

  She laughed uncertainly. “Okay, but you don’t have to sit on the floor! Get up, we’ll—”

  “Will you marry me, Catie?”

  Catie froze. She remembered Dr. Rhonda’s words. You gotta trust. Antoine grabbed one of her hands and pressed it to his lips.

  “We aren’t perfect, but we can make this work,” he said. “I love you and I know you love me; you are just scared to show me. We can do this, Catie. We can love one another the right way. We can raise our family and we can be happy. We can work through whatever happened to us in the past. It’s gonna be hard work, but I’m all in. We can even see a counselor. I just need to know that you are all in too.”

  “But—”

  “Shhh,” he cut her off. “No buts. Say yes.”

  “I don’t know what to say. There’s my mom to take care of, and my business, and—”

  “She can move in with us.” He kissed her softly. “Or she can stay in her home. I will support you in everything you do. Say yes.”

  For a moment, Catie wanted to say no. All her doubts about herself bubbled up from a dark place inside her. She didn’t deserve this man. She didn’t deserve to be happy. You gotta trust.

  “Are you sure, Antoine? You know I’m crazy. And adding another person to the mix is a lot. Leah’s still—”

  He put his finger on her lips to stop her from talking, and it was like he wiped all her doubts away with a single touch.

  “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. Say yes.”

  Catie nodded through tears. “Yes. Yes!”

  THIRTY THREE

  Anaya began to seriously look for a job outside of public service the same night that Wendy threatened to link Jayde’s scandal to Anaya’s reputation. By Christmas, she had accepted a position with public affairs conglomerate Timothy and Associates. They offered her a generous compensation package that put her county salary to fiscal ignominy.

  She offered the county three weeks’ notice and started wrapping up her projects in her remaining time. She handed off projects to her staffers, sent well-meaning emails to people in the community to announce her resignation, and met with Wendy more times than she cared to.

  Wendy announced Anaya’s resignation during the first board meeting of the new year. Wendy claimed to be “saddened to lose such talent” and while most thought it was another one of Wendy’s deft pontifications in order to save face, Anaya knew it wasn’t. Anaya was a talented professional who didn’t go with the status quo, and Wendy had to respect the fire in Anaya. Unfortunately, that respect came too little, too late. The board was disappointed about Anaya’s departure, and even Mr. Killian said a few kinds words about her “timeliness, courteous nature, and unfortunate inability to see corruption right before her very eyes.”

  Wendy showed up to Anaya’s farewell soiree at Luca’s dressed to the nines in a camel-colored wool coat and looking like she’d eaten a sour pickle. She made nice-ish comments about Anaya, which was more than anyone had ever received. Then she disappeared quicker than queso at a closed session meeting.

  Anaya breathed a sigh of relief when Wendy left. She looked at her phone and reasoned that she only needed to stay another twenty minutes before she could make a graceful exit.

  “Wow,” said Will, who had had one too many whiskey sours. “Wendy came to your goodbye party—you must be pretty special.” He downed another shot, then leaned in conspiratorially. “You guys hear about Jayde?”

  Everyone had heard about Jayde. She had admitted to conspiracy, fraud, and other ethics violations cited by the Fair Political Practices Commission. She had sent Anaya an email with a promise to call soon. She couldn’t imagine what Jayde was going through and had no desire to; Jayde made a terrible choice. However, she was Anaya’s friend and Anaya would be there for Jayde whenever she called, just as Jayde had been for Anaya in the past.

  Anaya simply nodded, not wanting to regurgitate her friend’s fall from grace.

  Sensing her reticence, Sue gave Anaya a side hug. “We will certainly miss you,” Sue said. “No one else has stood up to the Dragon Lady.”

  “I will miss you all too,” Anaya said sincerely. “The navy base project is going ahead thanks to us.” They clinked glasses in cheers.

  Anaya went to get more water. She smiled and said hello to a few familiar faces. She had met some genuinely good people at the county. Granted, most of them doubted her ability to perform her duties in the beginning and didn’t miss an opportunity to let her know it, but over time, they had all grown and evolved. She wasn’t one to hold grudges. Not usually.

  “So, did Wendy make you quit?” Emily the library director cornered her by the bar and leaned in like they were discussing a secret mission. Anaya wondered who had invited her. “Do you have something on her? Does she smoke pot? Like porn? Eat small children?”

  “No.” Anaya tried not to gasp. How was this woman in charge of children’s programs? “I found an opportunity for growth and decided to pursue it. This has nothing to do with Wendy.”

  “That’s a crock of crap,” Emily spewed, sipping on an amber-colored drink with ice. “Wendy is a bitch and probably threatened your life. You don’t have to lie to me, you are the victim here.”

  Should she be drinking?

  “Emily, I’m not a victim and I am leaving because I want to.” Anaya wished she hadn’t engaged.

  “Fine, keep lying to yourself.” Emily downed her drink, spun on her heels, and walked away.

  “What was that weirdo talking about?” Natalie came over to Anaya.

  “Nothing,” Anaya said, shaking her head.

  “Aw, boss lady, I’m going to miss you so much!” Natalie embraced Anaya. “It’s never going to be the same.”

  “I know. I’m going to miss you too. Are you going to be okay without me?” Anaya half joked.

  “Oh, I’ll be fine,” Natalie said coolly. Then she blurted out, “I have officially given my two weeks’ notice. Philippe and I are going to try to give it another go.” She grinned.

  “Wait, you guys are back together?”

  “Yep.” Natalie flashed her wedding band.

  “That’s awesome!” Anaya hugged her. “I’m happy for you. But why are you quitting?”

  Natalie shrugged. “We figured I would stay home for a while with the kids. Five kids are a lot to handle, you know.”

  “Yeah, I guess that’s true. Wait. You guys only have four—” Anaya stared at Natalie. “Wait. Are you—?”

  “Fourteen weeks!”

  “Oh my goodness, congratulations!”

  Natalie beamed. “Thanks. So really, we’re both leaving this godforsaken place.”

  Anaya was putting on her jacket as Jeff walked in. He still looked handsome, and she felt vulnerable as his eyes drifted across her body.

  “I love your hair,” he said.

  “Thank you. I rarely straighten it, but I needed a trim.” Why am I explaining my hair maintenance to him?

  “It looks good.”

  She studied his face for a moment. “I wasn’t expecting to see you.”

  “Well,” he said slowly. “If I didn’t s
how up, I didn’t think I’d see you otherwise.”

  Very true. She looked at her shoes. “I’ve been meaning to call you back.”

  “You don’t have to explain,” he said sadly. “I understand. I, um, I just wanted to see you, that’s all.”

  How had they gotten back to this place? After he kissed her in the office that night, she went home with him and they’d made love all night. She’d even told him she loved him and it felt right. The next morning, that feeling had evaporated. She didn’t want breakfast. She didn’t want to talk, and she was dressed and out of the door before he could pour coffee. They hadn’t spoken to or seen each other since. They’d texted a few times, but she had disappeared the same way she did six years ago.

  “I think I do need to explain,” she said slowly. “That night at your house was incredible.”

  “Anaya, please,” he interjected. “You don’t have to do this.”

  “I do. I have to do this. Please let me finish. That night was incredible and you were as gentle and loving as I remember. For that short time, I felt connected to you again and it reminded me of why I fell in love with you—your kindness, your thoughtfulness, how attracted to you I am. It also reminded me of how convoluted our past was.

  “I know you don’t think I’ve forgiven myself, but I have. I just don’t think I can go back to a relationship that was once so painful. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

  “I think I understand,” he said, clearing his throat and putting his hand on her shoulders. “I’m not asking you for anything. I just want you to think carefully about what you want.” He stared deeply into her eyes. “It’s okay if you don’t know what you want, but don’t turn your back on something until you have thought it through. Please don’t give up on this without giving it a chance. Can I call you?”

  “Please do.” She smiled.

  He kissed her on the cheek before leaving.

  EPILOGUE

  “I will see you guys in a bit,” Roscoe said over his shoulder. “I’m headed to the nursery.” He rushed out of the door.