Penumbra

by Dan Ackerman

  The trio, to their credit, took his mood in stride.

  Xio acted a little too kindly towards Arden, which he tried to write off as empathy and politeness, as well as his status as Autarch. She did put her hand on his leg once, but then immediately pulled it back and looked mortified, so he thought of it as an accident.

  He wanted to go home. Instead, he followed the Council members back to the courtroom to see how things played out.

  They played the footage of the incident. It showed somewhere between both accounts. Mara had gotten much closer to Paget than she admitted, but she hadn’t struck the first blow, as Paget had claimed.

  A quick brawl ended by safety officers dragging the women apart.

  The court, in the end, charged both women. Mara with inciting violence, and Paget for assault.

  Arden confided to Shay, “That’s kind of bullshit, isn’t it?”

  “Seems fair to me,” Shay said. “They both acted out of turn.”

  Arden rolled his eyes. “I suppose.” He pushed past the crowd to get to Mara. He offered her his hand. “Congratulations.”

  She didn’t shake. “I didn’t win.”

  “You didn’t lose, either.”

  “Community service. When am I supposed to find time for that?” she asked.

  He shrugged.

  “Typical.”

  “You really don’t like me.”

  “I’d spit on you if it wouldn’t get me more community service.”

  Arden grinned. He couldn’t help it. A strange kind of feeling fluttered in his stomach, only to have it replaced with discomfort. He had to ask, “How old are you?”

  “Twenty.”

  He wrinkled his nose. “Ugh, never mind.”

  “Never mind what?’

  “I don’t know, but whatever it was, forget about it.”

  “Are you as crazy as they say, or just stupid?”

  He shrugged. “Probably a little of both. Let me know if you need help working something out with that community service.”

  She scowled at him.

  He patted her shoulder and walked away. He could practically feel her eyes burning his back as he went.

  In the evening, he dropped by Mace’s handball practice. He caught Mace before it started.

  Mace placed his hands on Arden’s shoulder and his chin on his hands. “Ardi, you should come play with us.”

  “In this?”

  “We can find you a spare set.”

  Arden looked towards the players already stretching. He hadn’t played in years.

  “Come on,” Mace pleaded.

  Arden sighed. “Alright.”

  Mace straightened up. “Really!”

  “I guess.”

  Mace bounced on his toes and practically dragged Arden into the changing room.

  Self-consciously, Arden stretched. He felt ridiculous and wanted to leave, but he’d look even stupider if he ran off half-way through warm-ups in someone else’s clothes. Most of the people on the court he’d played with before, so they knew he’d been a barely competent player.

  Mace patted him on the cheek. “Don’t think I’ve ever seen you play with your eyes all the way open.”

  “Haha, so funny, Arden was a teenage addict.”

  Mace looked reticent for a second, then pushed him. “Don’t be a baby.”

  Arden stuck out his tongue.

  Mace pelted him with the ball.

  He caught it and threw it back, just as hard.

  Mace cackled.

  Everyone took it easy on Arden, for the most part, at least until he started showing off. Then they went for him just as hard as they went for everyone else.

  He winded easily, but that came from not exercising for years.

  He complained once to Mace that his legs felt like dead weight, which Mace responded to by poking him in the ribs and telling him to take better care of himself.

  Before the end of practice, Arden had to take a seat, breathless and sweaty. He sipped water and watched the other players go at it now that the delicate Autarch had stepped off the court.

  Mace came over and kicked him in the foot. “Come on, showers.”

  “How dare you kick us.”

  Mace kicked him again, a little harder. Then he extended his hand to lift Arden.

  Arden took it.

  Mace pulled him so hard he felt like he was flying for half a second.

  “Oh, Mason, you’re so strong,” he purred.

  Mace snorted, looped his arm around Arden, and pulled him towards the locker room.

  Arden remembered exactly why he’d wanted to date Mace all those years ago.

  Mace poked him in the ribs again. “What would Rhys think if he caught you staring at me like that?”

  “Oh, shut up. You don’t even like boys!”

  “But you do,” Mace said. “And you really like Rhys.”

  Arden shrugged. He stripped off his borrowed practice clothes and stepped into the spray of the shower.

  Mace took the next showerhead and continued, “It’s so obvious that it’s kind of cute.”

  Arden flushed, which he knew would be highly visible with his complexion. He turned up the heat of the water and hoped that would disguise it. “Shut up.”

  “No, it’s a good thing! Much better than the last person you dated.”

  Arden winced, thinking about Faust. “Maybe I only like people who don’t like me.” He grabbed the soap and turned away to wash so he wouldn’t have to see the pitying look Mace gave him.

  “He likes you,” Mace assured.

  Arden got soap in his eyes and focused on rinsing it out instead of wondering if Rhys liked him.

  “Arden.”

  “What?”

  “You don’t think he likes you?”

  “I have soap in my eyes.”

  “Well, you have to open them to rinse it out,” Mace advised.

  Cleaned and redressed, Mace and Arden wandered in the vague direction of Mace’s rooms.

  They didn’t talk about much. Arden had brushed off any further attempts to talk about Rhys. It made him feel sick and hopeful all at once.

  He put away twice what he normally ate at dinner, which made his stomach hurt.

  Mace teased him a little about that too but sent him home with a hug and a serious sounding, “Be good.”

  Arden lay awake contemplating the meaning of goodness and whether he could ever achieve it. He had, by anyone’s standards, never been good, except as maybe a baby. Mama had always said he’d been a happy baby.

  He woke up stiff and sore.

  Punishment for not stretching enough.

  Mace had sent him a message asking him to pretty please consider coming to practice more often.

  Arden wrote back that he’d consider it when he could move without hurting again.

  When he and Rhys met up outside the Public Chamber, they both shifted and couldn’t look at each other. During the meeting, Arden could feel the discomfort rolling off Rhys. He wanted to adjourn the meeting to talk to him but knew it would be poor form and do nothing for his standing.

  Somehow, despite his vast power, it remained important to keep people from hating him. If people started to hate him, he’d have to keep them in line with fear, which he didn’t enjoy thinking about.

  “Arden,” Cole called.

  He pulled himself out of his thoughts.

  “There’s rumors about your uncle.”

  “What could Winnie possibly be up to?”

  “Your other uncle,” Shay clarified.

  Arden wrinkled his nose. “What are they saying about Morris now? We’ve already got rape and assault. I hope he’s not moving towards anything worse than that.”

  “There’s been a little talk of him, uh. Well. A few people overheard him saying he’d be a better leader than you,” Xio said.

  “He’s been saying that since before Mother even died.”

  “People might agree with him,” Riley Hmong suggested.

  He
scanned the faces in the room.

  “Not us!” Istis quickly assured.

  “No, not us. We think you’re a wonderful Autarch,” Xio added.

  He blushed. No one had ever said anything that kind about his reign and the compliments he had received never sounded sincere. Hers had, though.

  “We wouldn’t have brought it up if we didn’t think Morris was…a poor candidate,” Tule Marrow pointed out. “We might disagree from time to time, Your Eminence, but your uncle…I much more than disagree with him.”

  People around the table murmured their agreement, even the centrists.

  Thank fuck for that.

  “But there are some people who see Morris as a better option,” Riley added.

  “Such as?”

  Cole cleared his throat. “You might have really pissed off Bull and his friends.”

  Arden groaned. “Can you name names?”

  “Not presently. I mean, they’re just rumors, and you know how rumors get,” Istis said.

  “Alright. Well. Keep an ear out.”

  Morris was vicious, but he wasn’t stupid. He wouldn’t stage an outright rebellion. He would wait until Arden showed public weakness.

  “This business with the thralls, maybe we could make our changes more gently,” Tule suggested.

  “The changes have been gentle,” Shay pointed out.

  “I’d be afraid of Morris in an enclosed space, but I’m not afraid of him politically,” Arden said. “And when push comes to shove, there’s more workers than peers.”

  Cole covered his mouth to hold in a giggle.

  Half the table looked openly scandalized. At least three sent vicious looks towards Rhys.

  “Don’t!” Arden warned. “It’s not him, it’s history. You know what happens to people like us when there’s too many people and not enough food?”

  The table exchanged uneasy glances.

  “Work with me here.”

  “We are, Your Eminence,” Salim Bowles assured. “No one wants to see Eden fail.”

  Arden nodded, somewhat satisfied. His weak and newly discovered morals had their place and he tried to rely on those to motivate the Council, rather than the threat of violent political revolution. He didn’t even like to think of it, but it felt like a distinct possibility. If not within in his lifetime, then soon.

  If he’d paid better attention in school, he might have figured out Eden’s trajectory a lot sooner.

  Quietly, after everyone else had left, Rhys suggested, “When it comes to your uncle, you might want to take advantage of the workers he uses regularly.”

  “Advantage how?”

  “They hear a lot. They’d hear a lot more if they knew someone would pay for it.”

  “Fine. You can arrange that?”

  Rhys nodded.

  “Good. Keep me updated.”

  “Yes, Your Eminence.”

  They looked at each other, then looked away.

  Arden cleared his throat.

  Rhys smoothed his clothes.

  “You really don’t like people knowing we’re together,” Arden said.

  Rhys glanced up. “Uh. No…not. Some of my friends aren’t…” He sighed. He took out his hair and retied it. “Some of my friends don’t exactly believe in taking things one step at a time.”

  “Eat the rich?” Arden guessed.

  “It would have been a mess.”

  “You don’t hate me, then?”

  Rhys met his eyes. “Of course, I don’t hate you, Arden.”

  Arden looked at his nails.

  “Even when I did hate you, I wouldn’t have ever wanted you to eat lunch with that lot,” he teased with an easy smile.

  Absolutely without warning, Arden’s eyes started to burn. He clenched his jaw and blinked, but tears spilled anyway.

  Rhys looked actively afraid. He took a step forward, then stopped. “What…?”

  “I super fucking hate when you say things like that. I just…I just want you to like me and I…!” He scrubbed his face with his sleeve, angry at himself for crying and angry at Rhys for upsetting him.

  “I do like you,” Rhys rushed to assure him.

  Arden shook his head.

  Rhys hugged him. “Come on, Arden, I like you. You’re alright.” He rubbed his back. “You’re alright.”

  Arden didn’t feel alright.

  Rhys hugged him harder, like he thought he could crush the sadness out of Arden.

  It worked, in a way, because Arden couldn’t really breathe.

  Rhys wiped his face for him. “Come on, let’s get you some water.”

  He nodded.

  Once he’d washed his face and didn’t look like such a mess, they went to the Solar Deck together to walk around.

  Arden stripped off his jacket due to the heat and so he would have something to hold. He wanted to hold Rhys’s hand but also knew Rhys didn’t want him to. Dozens of people milled around or lounged to take in the light from the star.

  After two loops around the deck, in a stretch without anyone to overhear, Arden asked, “Are you embarrassed by me?”

  “No.”

  Arden didn’t look at him. He kept walking.

  Rhys stayed beside him. “I’m actually…Arden, are you listening?”

  Arden shrugged.

  Rhys put a hand on Arden’s arm and moved in close to him. “Arden.”

  “Hmm?”

  “I’m proud of you.”

  “Shut up.”

  “No, I mean it. You have every reason to let us all rot and starve, to live a decadent life and let Eden drift towards death. To do what every Autarch before you did.”

  Arden didn’t think Rhys could understand how much it hurt to hear that. People had such low expectations for him that they considered a basic concern for the human race something for him to take pride in. “That’s my mother you’re talking about.”

  Rhys sucked his lower lip in and dug in his teeth. He rubbed his nose. “I…”

  “You think she didn’t care about this station? Or that she didn’t love me enough to keep Eden alive long enough for me to grow old?”

  “I think…” Rhys sighed and dropped his gaze. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

  “No, don’t pull that thrall bullshit. Look at me. Tell me what you think.”

  Rhys lifted his eyes to meet Arden’s, the entire world in that dark gaze, as he said, “I think she saw what she wanted to see. Your family could do anything for so long they forgot they weren’t the gods they pretended to be. You can’t swindle or bully your way out of food shortages or failing infrastructure.” He took Arden by the hands. “I think you might be the only Autarch who doesn’t feel entitled to their position. And I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s because you’re an insecure brat or because you’re so deeply sensitive that you avoid everything that makes you feel anything.”

  He said it so gently that Arden almost forgot to take offense at being called an over-sensitive brat. He wiggled his hands deeper into Rhys’s grip. “I feel very seen right now.” A wisp of a smile turned up one corner of his mouth.

  “Then take the compliment.”

  “You want me to say thank you for being called a big baby?” Arden asked, his smile growing.

  Rhys tugged him in for a one-armed hug. “Are you done being mad at me?”

  Arden sighed into his chest. “Can we do one more loop?”

  “Of course.”

  Rhys held on to his hand as they walked. He even swung his arm a little and had a bit of a jaunt to his step. “It really is nice up here!” he declared a few times.

  He seemed particularly impressed with the plants that grew in the heat of the Solar Deck. He would touch their glossy leaves and ask questions about them.

  For once, Arden knew something he didn’t. He supplied the names of the plants easily.

  Mother had liked plants.

  Rhys asked, “Do you think these grew on Terra?”

  “They grew on Terra One, so they g
rew on Terra Prime, too.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because Terra One was empty when the scouts from Terra Prime found it. Just dirt and water and sunshine. They seeded the planet and made it habitable. Didn’t you learn that in school?”

  “I never liked history,” Rhys admitted, but it sounded like a lie. Not that he secretly liked history, but that he had another reason for his gap in knowledge.

  “Rumor has it that some of the plants they grew on Terra Prime had come from Earth if it existed at all. I mean…it probably had to. We know Terra Prime wasn’t empty and humans had to come from somewhere. Sometimes people even say there were, well, other people there when humans came. Although…other people think the other ‘tribes’ our ancestors fought were only different sects of humans. That Earth was just a section of Terra Prime, not a planet.” Arden shrugged. “No one really knows.”

  “Do you think it’s real?”

  “Earth? We had to come from somewhere, right? But I don’t know. Does it matter?”

  “I don’t know. What do you think?”

  Arden wanted to shrug again, but he stopped to think about the question. “Uh. It…Where we came from is important, but not as important as where we’re going. And someday, maybe, if we get far enough, we’ll understand where we’ve been.” He glanced at Rhys. “Right?”

  “I don’t know.”

  They finished their loop around the deck and attended to meetings and inspections that Rhys had discreetly rescheduled while Arden had washed his face and sipped a glass of water.

  Nothing interesting happened.

  Nothing interested happened for most of the next week, except for one time in the middle of dinner, a worker had come and whispered something into Rhys’s ear.

  He’d gone wide-eyed and pale, then he’d practically begged Arden to excuse him from dinner, which Arden had.

  He didn’t see Rhys for a few days after that, having received a message saying he had a few things at home to take care of.

  When Arden did see him next, he declined to talk about what had happened. “Everything’s fine.”

  “You took off in a super big hurry.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  Arden hadn’t wanted an apology, but he accepted it. Instead, he asked, “You want to stay over?”

  “Oh. I don’t know. I should get back.”

  “I thought everything was fine.”

  “It is. It is.”

  “You missed work, though.”