Too Much of a Good Thing

by J. J. Murray

  I cough into my napkin.

  The third call happens exactly one minute later while we’re about to order.

  I listen a moment then relay the message to Shawna. “The boys want to watch Mortal Kombat, but the girls want to watch Bring It On.”

  “Tell them to watch one and then the other,” Shawna says.

  “But the boys have stolen the remote controls and have hidden them upstairs,” I say.

  Shawna sets down her menu. “There are buttons on the TV. Tell them to use them.”

  “Rose, watch the movies back-to-back, and use the buttons on the TV.” I listen some more. I sigh at Shawna. “Rose says the boys are trying to take over. They’re hiding upstairs, and Jimmy’s still farting.”

  Shawna reaches for the phone. “Gimme that.”

  “Rose, Shawna wants to talk to you.” I hand her the phone while our server taps her order book.

  “Hi, Rose, put Junior on. Thanks.” She covers the mouthpiece. “How set are you about going to that movie, Joe?”

  “I want to be alone in the dark with you.”

  Shawna’s—and our server’s—eyes pop. “Joe. Please.” She uncovers the mouthpiece. “Junior? No, not you, Toni. Get Junior.” She covers the mouthpiece again. “Why won’t they leave us alone?” She uncovers the mouthpiece again. “Junior, what’s going on? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, you go on and watch your movie. The girls will get bored once you stop playing with them ... They will, Junior ... How’s your sister? She’s really okay? What was that noise? Well, go find out and call me back!” She hands the phone to me. “It isn’t my house yet, but it sounds like something broke.”

  I drop my chin to my chest. “Broke?”

  “Shattered is more like it.”

  The phone rings again, and this time I answer it. Our server is aging before our eyes. “Hello? What broke, Rose?”

  “Nothing broke, Daddy. We’ve been careful.”

  “Uh-huh ... uh-huh,” I say. “Okay. Clean it up.” I turn off the phone.

  “What broke?” Shawna asks.

  “She wouldn’t tell me, but if you heard it break ...”

  Shawna throws her napkin on the table. “I don’t believe this. I just don’t ... We have to get home.”

  I cough into my napkin again. “Are you sure?”

  “They’re tearing up our house, Joe. We have to go back.” She turns to the server. “We’re having a little emergency at home.”

  The server smiles. “Kids, huh?”

  We nod.

  I put a five on the table. “Will that cover it?”

  “Sure,” our server says. “How many kids y’all got?”

  “Six,” we say together.

  Our server’s eyes do somersaults.

  It’s the best part of our evening so far.

  46

  Shawna

  Ooooooooh, I am so mad I could spit nails and build a house!

  On the night I am to get a ring for my handsome finger, those ... monstrous little vermin have to—

  “It’s my fault,” Joe says, interrupting my vicious thoughts as we climb into my car. “I told them all the things I didn’t want them to do, and they did them anyway.”

  “No, Joe,” I say. “It’s another conspiracy. They all banded together to make us miserable. It’s like they’re trying to drive us apart by being so bad.”

  “You think so?”

  How can he be so calm? “I know my kids. Junior may be quiet, but he’s devious. And little Toni probably stuffed herself with pizza knowing she’d get sick and I’d have to come home. As for what broke, I bet they broke something expensive and right now they’re at the house trying to cover it up.”

  “I guess we’ll have to punish them somehow.” He shakes his head. “But how?”

  “Can we afford boarding school for the lot of them?”

  Joe actually laughs!

  “I wasn’t trying to be funny, Joe. I was being serious.”

  “No, we cannot afford boarding school.”

  “Even if they had a volume discount?”

  He laughs again! “Not even with a fifty percent–off sale.”

  “Joe, I wish you would take all this seriously.”

  I see him biting his lips. “Sorry.”

  I turn onto Wasena Avenue. “I guess that means we’re stuck with them, huh?”

  “Yep. They’re one hundred percent ours.”

  And now he’s throwing my words back at me! I know I’m putting more holes into this sidewalk on my way to the door. The nerve of these kids! They knew how important tonight was to us! We get so little time together, and now they had to go—

  Joe’s just standing at the door.

  “Did they lock us out?” I ask. “Oh, they are in for it!”

  “No. We’re not locked out.” And then he reaches into his pocket ... Now? After all this? And here? At the door? Where’s the romance in this?

  He pulls out ...

  A key.

  “Here’s your copy, Shawna. Why don’t you see if it works?”

  A key? He chooses this moment to give me a key? It’s a nice gesture, but ... “Okay.” I take the key, shove it in, turn it, and step inside.

  The house looks the same. I even say it out loud. “The house looks the same.”

  “It should.” He closes the door behind us.

  “What do you mean it ... should?” I don’t hear a single sound. Oh, there’s some ticking of a clock somewhere, and the faint smell of burnt bread, but other than that—nothing. “Toni, Junior!” I call out.

  “They’re not here.”

  “They’re what?”

  “They’re not here, Shawna. Come into the dining room.” He holds out his hand.

  I take his hand. “Why aren’t they here, Joe?”

  But as I enter the dining room, I see the reason. There are lit candles on the table, two large covered silver platters, silverware, china plates, crystal glasses ... And is that sparkling cider? “Joe, what’s going on?”

  “Surprise,” he says, and he takes me in his arms and kisses the skin off my lips. “I made a deal with Rose.”

  Kiss me again. I don’t know anyone named Rose.

  “I let her take them to Putt-Putt, but only after they prepared our meal and did a few chores. They have promised to be gone until ten, so ... won’t you have a seat?”

  He’s not kissing me again. I pout and pucker until he resumes exploring my mouth with his tongue. I pull back to take a breath. “So all those phone calls were fake?”

  “Every last one of them. They were all according to a script Junior and Joey wrote.”

  Figures. It’s always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

  Joe pulls out my chair, I sit, and he slides me in.

  “So Toni didn’t ...” Oh, those kids are good!

  “They didn’t have pizza. I’m not sure what they’re going to eat. I hope I gave Rose enough money.”

  I look at all that glitters on the table. “So we’re having a date ... at home.”

  “Right.”

  A home date. That makes no sense at all. “While our kids are out.”

  “Right.”

  “That almost makes sense.”

  He smiles, sitting opposite me. “It does, doesn’t it?”

  “Shouldn’t I be more worried with them out tearing up someone else’s property?”

  “Rose is an excellent driver. They’ll be fine.” He taps one of the huge lids covering the silver platters. “Well, let’s see what they made us.”

  I put my napkin in my lap. “You don’t know?”

  “This part is going to be a surprise to me.”

  He lifts the silver lid, and I see ... grilled cheese sandwiches, all the crusts cut off, a pile of chips in the middle.

  Joe cracks up. I crack up. I lift the lid off another serving dish and see a bunch of purple grapes. How did they know about the grapes? ... Unless ... Rema. She must have told Junior. Ooh, I’m going to fix Rema when I see her again. “At lea
st they hit all the food groups.”

  Joe takes a pair of silver tongs and waves them over the grilled cheese sandwiches. “Slightly burned or extracrispy, my dear?”

  “Oh, crispy. I have to make sure my food is dead before I eat it.”

  He places two little triangular bricks on my plate. “Some chips?”

  I hold up my little pinkie. “But of course.”

  He hands me the tongs. “I better let you serve yourself. I don’t know how fresh the chips are.”

  I dig into those chips with the tongs and stop. Either the chips are extremely heavy with grease, or ...

  I’ve just found the box for my ring.

  They hid the ring box in a pile of stale potato chips.

  I can’t speak.

  Joe snatches the ring box from the tongs, pops it open, kneels beside me, and takes my hand.

  My heart is drumming so fast!

  “I hope I say all this right.” He clears his throat. “Baada ya dhiki, faraja. ‘After hardship comes relief.’ ”

  And now my feet are running! Stop it! “I am relieved.” And Swahili sounds so beautiful coming from Joe’s lips. “Junior taught you that?”

  “He and a fascinating young lady named Amina.”

  Junior and Amina taught him? “When?”

  “The computer has come in handy.”

  So that’s it. “You’ve been e-mailing little girls behind my back?”

  “No. I’ve been e-mailing Junior, and she just happens to be there.”

  When I’m not around. I’m going to fix that.

  “But I’m not done, Shawna.”

  That’s right. The ring isn’t on my handsome finger yet.

  “Mimi na wewe pete na kidole. ‘You and I are like a ring and a finger.’ ” He slides on an elegant, shiny, diamond ring with a gold band.

  I name it “Mine.”

  “Will you marry me, Shawna?”

  “Yes.”

  He reaches for and plucks a grape from the bunch, putting it in my mouth, and it is so sweet! “Mapenzi hudumu ukila zabibu,” he says. “Love lasts—”

  “ ‘If you eat grapes,’”I say before he can.

  “You know that one.”

  I pluck one and put it in his mouth, I stand, he stands, we knock a few good china plates around ...

  And a whole bunch more squishy grape kisses later, we leave the cardboard cheese bricks where they lie and head to the family room where I sit on the ugly—but strangely comfortable—plaid couch.

  “Want to watch a movie?” he asks.

  Nah, man. I want more grape juice kisses. I’m diving in for more when I notice a note in front of me on the coffee table. “What’s this?” I read the note: “ ‘Shawna and Daddy: Hit PLAY. Love, Rose.’” I look at Joe. “You know what this is about?”

  “No. Maybe they chose a movie for us.”

  I sigh. “I hope it’s not Guess Who.”

  He presses PLAY on a remote control. After some snow I see a woman lying in bed—

  Oh, God, it’s Cheryl.

  And she looks so hollow, so pale, a bandana on her head...

  Joe is crying, and now I am.

  He presses the STOP button.

  “Sorry, I ...”

  I hold his hand tighter. “It’s okay.”

  “Oh, God. She and Rose must have recorded this while I was at work. The, um, the chemo—”

  I squeeze his hand harder. “I know all about it, Joe. It’s okay. You going to be okay?”

  “I think so.” He puts down the remote control. “This isn’t the time to watch this, whatever it is. What is Rose up to?”

  It’s so hard to think! Calm down. Relax. Okay. Rose and I are getting along better and better. I don’t think she’s faking it. She’s starting to care for me. This is obviously ... “Joe, you have to play it.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s important to Rose. There’s a reason she wants us to see it, knowing you were giving me the ring. She did know you were giving me the ring tonight, didn’t she?”

  He squints. “I did tell her. She knew. They all knew. But ...”

  I pick up the remote control and press PLAY.

  “Is it on?” Cheryl asks.

  “It’s on, Mom,” Rose says offscreen.

  “Okay,” Cheryl says. “Um, hi. I’m Cheryl, and you must be the new love in Joe’s life.”

  I am a goose bump.

  “I want to be the first person to congratulate you,” Cheryl continues, her voice melodic and sweet. “I’ve instructed Rose to play this for you and Joe as soon as you become engaged, so I hope Rose doesn’t forget.”

  I hear Rose sniffling. “I won’t forget, Mom.”

  “I know you won’t, honey,” Cheryl says. “Well, there’s so much I want to say to you two.”

  Cheryl reaches for some papers, her hands so thin. That could be Rodney’s hand reaching for me.

  She shakes the papers. “I wrote a Top Ten list of why Joe is a good man to marry, and I want to share it with you. Number ten: Joe doesn’t snore. It scared me at first. I was always wondering if he was alive. If you’re worried, just check his pulse. The pulse in his neck is easiest to find, and sometimes he wakes up.” She winks. “Number nine: Joe has warm feet. Mine are icy, but his are fiery hot. Just watch out for his toenails. They can be sharp. Number eight: Joe doesn’t drink or smoke. He should give you many years of good health. Number seven: Joe wears interesting underwear.”

  “Mom!” Rose yells, and the camera jiggles.

  I hit PAUSE and look at Joe. “Are you going to explain? Or is this something I have to experience for myself?”

  He can’t take his eyes away from that screen. “Um. They’re just boxer briefs.”

  Lord, this has to be so hard for him. “I like boxer briefs.” Black ones, for some reason.

  Joe doesn’t respond.

  I hit PLAY.

  “Just kidding,” Cheryl says. “They’re not that interesting. They’re sexy!”

  “Mom!” Rose yells again.

  “Well, they are, honey. Okay, okay, here’s the real number seven: Joe works hard. You may have to tie him to the bed on Saturday mornings so he doesn’t work overtime. Number six: Joe doesn’t complain about my cooking.”

  “You’re a good cook, Mom,” Rose says.

  “I try,” Cheryl says. “It doesn’t always work out, you know? I have to turn my pound cakes in that oven or they’ll only cook through on one side.”

  I hit PAUSE. “I have the same exact problem. I’ve been doing that for years.”

  Joe is still mesmerized by his wife’s face, so I hit PLAY again.

  “Number five: Uh, Rose, could you leave the room for a minute?” Cheryl asks.

  “Why?” Rose asks.

  “I’m going to say something private, and I don’t want you to hear.”

  The camera shakes a moment. “Oh, all right ...”

  Seconds pass, a door closes.

  “I hope I’m in focus. That tripod is finally coming in handy, Joe. Number five: Joe is a passionate, tender lover who loves to cuddle. We could have had ten kids if we could have afforded them. Rose? You can come back in now, Rose.”

  A door opens and closes.

  “You didn’t hear what I said, did you?” Cheryl asks.

  “No,” Rose says.

  But I can tell she’s lying.

  “Rose? Did you?”

  “Okay,” Rose says. “I did.”

  “I hoped you would, honey,” Cheryl says. “That’s the kind of man I want for you, too.”

  “Ten kids?” Rose asks.

  “Sure. Let’s see, number four: Joe is very organized. Everything has its place. Wait until you see the Peg-Board for his tools. Every one of his tools has an outline around it.”

  I hit PAUSE. “Really?”

  “Uh, yeah.”

  At least he’s speaking.

  I hit PLAY.

  “Number three: Joe has good oral and physical hygiene. You’ll need to remind him to shower on
Saturdays, though. It’s a manly smell, but ... Remind him also to see his doctor for that checkup he’s been avoiding.”

  I hit PAUSE. “Which one is that?”

  He grimaces. “The one with the ...” He sticks out a finger and winces.

  “You’re going next week,” I say. “And I’ll drive you.”

  He nods.

  I hit PLAY.

  “Number two: Joe loves his children. He’s the first person they call when they’ve had a bad dream. He’s the only person I call when I have a bad dream.”

  I hear more sniffles from Rose.

  “And the number one reason you made a good choice: Joe loves the Lord with all his strength, his mind, and his soul. He’s not a Holy Roller or anything like that. He just lives his faith. I have never doubted Joe for a second because of it.”

  The woman and I could be sisters. I let my tears fall freely.

  Cheryl puts her papers to the side. “There’s so much more I could tell you, but half the fun is finding it all out for yourself.” She sighs. “I wish I could be at your wedding. Maybe God will let me drop in. Take care of my children, and take care of Joe. God bless you. You can turn it off now, Rose.”

  The screen fills with snow.

  I am beyond stunned. Cheryl didn’t shed a single tear, not one drop. She knew she was dying, and yet she took the time ... to welcome me.

  I feel so unworthy. I’m sitting in her house with her man, and I feel like an outsider.

  Joe stands and turns off the TV, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I wasn’t expecting that at all. Are you okay?”

  I nod.

  “It explains quite a bit about Rose,” he says.

  Why can’t I find a single word to say?

  “Are you really okay?”

  I nod ... then I shake my head. “No. I’m not okay.” I stand and almost fall into his arms, burying my head in his chest. “I don’t ... Joe, she was a wonderful woman, and I’m ... I’m not that ...”

  Joe squeezes me tightly. “You’re just as wonderful, just as caring, just as tender. It’s why God brought you to me. It’s why God brought us together.” He takes my hand. “Come upstairs.”

  He’s kidding, isn’t he? “The kids could be back any minute, Joe.”

  “I didn’t mean ... I want to show you something.”

  We go upstairs to a room at the far end of the hallway next to a bathroom.

  “Is this her room?”

  He nods. “You remember you heard some loud noises?”