Today he brings me to a SUV, instead of the patrol car we went to before.
“We’re going into more secluded area, we can’t be sure it’s been cleaned up. This is the last place we go when natural disasters hit,” he says by way of explanation.
I’m aware of these places, far away from the main vestiges of civilization. We have them in Laurel Springs. They’re the people who don’t necessarily want the help from police and first responders alike, but we still offer it. It’s part of the oath we take.
“Might be a rough ride, just be prepared,” he warns.
Nodding, I get in the SUV, securing myself in the passenger side.
We’ve been driving for fifteen minutes when Sullivan speaks. “Was that your wife and kid on the phone?”
“Wife and kid?” I question, then I remember talking with Stella and Keegan. It causes me to crack up. “Oh hell no!”
“I didn’t think it was that funny of a question to ask.” His irritation is palpable. “I’ve heard you’re hanging out with my sister. Can’t blame a brother for checking. She’s been through enough shit.”
I definitely want to ask about the shit she’s been through, but I’d rather ask her about it. Instead, I put his fears to rest. “That was my sister-in-law and nephew. She’s married to my older brother, but she treats me like she’s my mother half the time.”
Realization shines in his eyes. “Makes sense. I’m glad to know you aren’t fuckin’ my sister over.”
“There’s no fuckin’ going on, over or otherwise,” I snap, without really meaning to. “But if there were, that’s our business and not yours.”
A small smile spreads across his lips. “You’re gonna do just fine with her, Cutter.”
God, I hope so.
“Feel like we’re gonna be running into a swamp soon,” I joke with Sullivan as we go over a road we can’t see. It’s still covered with water, but he’s assured me we’ll make it.
“Watch for gators, never know what the hurricane washed up. That’s the truth. There’s a house up here on the right.” He points around a blind curve. “Not sure it made it through the storm, but there’s a family living there.”
Or they were living there. It’s destroyed. The only thing letting us know a house once stood there is the concrete block foundation. I’m not even sure how that withstood the ferocity of the wind and storm surge, but it did.
“Let’s go look and see what we got.” He puts the SUV in park.
Silently we both get out, putting gloves on. Neither one of us want to find someone here. It’s the unspoken prayer between the both of us. I’ve seen dead bodies before, but I don’t want to see one that’s been here for over a week in the temps we’ve been dealing with.
“I’ll take this section” – I point to a post that sticks up – “and sweep to the left, if you wanna take the rest.”
He nods and together, we get to work. It takes longer than I realized it would, because it’s hard to see under all the rubble. We have to physically move pieces, calling out for survivors. This wasn’t what I imagined when I signed up for this job, but life doesn’t always work out the way we envision it. That’s one of the most important lessons I’ve learned. One I’ll never forget.
Hours later, we’ve combed the entire wreckage; luckily we didn’t find anyone. One time I thought maybe I had and a scream had lodged in my throat. I couldn’t articulate what I was feeling, but then I realized it wasn’t what my brain had convinced me it was. Instead of being a body, it was a doll. Sullivan goes back to the SUV, pulling a spray can of paint out.
“Come help me prop this up.” He points to a piece of plywood the occupants probably put up to protect them from the elements. Looking at it lying there, I try to think about what they went through the night this storm went through. We were lucky, in a hotel set up for us, not necessarily worrying about our safety, but how did this family feel? Were they in the house when it collapsed? Did they take refuge in a closet, knowing it was coming down around them? If I could save anyone from going through terror like that, I would.
When we have it so that anyone can see it from the road, he takes the can and sprays a circle with an “x” along with the date to let people who come after us know that it’s already been checked.
“There’s four more houses on this road. You okay to help me check them?”
“Whatever you need help with, I’m here for.”
We get into the SUV and as he cranks up the air conditioning, he looks over at me. “You’re a good dude, Cutter. Thanks for coming and helping us. We’ve had help over the years and some people come up in here acting like they’re better than we are because they’ve offered to help. You’ve actually shown up and been helpful. Thank you.”
“No need to thank me, I’ve learned a lot in the short time I’ve been here. I feel like it should be me thanking you.”
He reaches out, shaking my hand. “Glad you’re here.”
I realize as we drive farther up the road, looking out to see if there are any other people who’ve got left behind, I’m glad I’m here too.
Chapter Twelve
Rowan
After the last week of work, it’s nice to not wake up to an alarm. When I finally get my eyes open, I realize how nice it actually is this morning. After Cutter left, I laid in bed, thinking about him probably much more than I should have. In fact, I know it was more than I should have.
Rolling over, I pick up my phone, gasping loudly when I see it’s past two in the afternoon. I obviously needed the rest, but it’s been a very long time since I slept that late.
My stomach growls, reminding me of how long it’s been since I ate. An idea pops into my head, and I fire off a text.
R: Hey bro, you had lunch yet?
I’m surprised when he answers right back.
S: Not yet, you wanna meet me? I haven’t seen much of you lately.
My eyes roll. Since everything that happened, he’s beyond protective. Almost suffocating at times, but I know I’m lucky. If I didn’t have him, I don’t know if I would still be alive, and that’s as honest as I can be about how far I’ve come.
Sulllivan and I have always been closer than me and Braylon. Someday I hope that changes, but Sullivan has always been there for me, and never judged me.
R: Would love to. You pick.
S: The sandwich shop?
R: How did I know you’d say that?
S: Screw you.
I laugh loudly. There’s a woman there he’s been interested in for years. She drags him along, letting him think they might one day have a shot, but I know. I can tell by looking at her, she’s not interested. It’s not even about him, it’s about her, but I wish she’d let him go. She knows what he wants, and yet keeps him tethered to her.
R: When do you get lunch?
S: An hour? Is that good for you?
R: Yeah, I’ll meet you there.
S: Cutter’s riding with me today. We’ll see you soon.
Now why in the hell did he have to say that. Something that was going to be low-key and fun with my older brother is now going to give me anxiety. What do I wear? Do I put on makeup? What should I do with my hair? All questions I haven’t asked myself in years.
Who is this Rowan?
I don’t recognize her, but I can say I like her.
With a small noise of excitement, I hop out of the bed and run for my bathroom. With any luck I’ll have just enough time to look decent.
I hate my brother, along with the smug smile across his face as I park next to where he and Cutter stand next to the SUV. If looks could kill, he’d be dead. His eyebrows raise, and I want to slap them down. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
“How are you two?” I ask as I get out and face them.
“It’s been a long day,” Sullivan answers for them. “We’ve been searching the outskirts.” He mentions the name many locals call a group of little more than shanties around the outer edges of town.
“Find anything?�
� Honestly, I don’t really want to know, but sometimes it helps other first responders to talk about it.
“No,” Cutter answers for the two of them.
“Thank God.”
I can only imagine what it would look like, how it would feel. In our line of work we see so much destruction, so many lives torn apart. For once it’s nice to hear something went right.
“After you.” Sullivan opens the door, gesturing both me and Cutter inside.
I’m hit with the smell of freshly baked bread. In all honesty, this is one of my favorite hole-in-wall places to eat. I just hate how Sullivan gets his hopes up every time we’re here.
“If it’s not my two favorite public servants.” Candice, the girl who holds Sullivan’s heart in her hands, waves as we enter. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”
“We’re hungry.” He bellies up to the cold case like it’s a bar.
As the two of them do their talking and flirting action, I turn to Cutter. “I’m glad you didn’t find anything out there today.”
“Me too, judging by the way the buildings were completely demolished, it wouldn’t have been good if we did.”
We’re quiet for a few moments, waiting for Sullivan to stop flirting. When it looks like it’s going to take longer than I imagined, I turn to Cutter again. “I had fun with you last night.”
He smiles, a dimple popping on his left cheek. “I had fun with you too. We should do it again sometime.”
“We should.” I nod.
God, this is embarrassing and painful. I’ve lost the ability to flirt.
“Poking the bear, I see.” He gestures to my chest.
It’s then I realize I’m wearing an Auburn shirt. I laugh loudly. “Didn’t even think about it.”
“Can we take a selfie?” he asks. “I want to send this to my sister-in-law who bleeds ‘Bama crimson. I need to know how she’ll react. Her and her mom have season tickets.”
“Sure.” I push my glasses more securely up onto my nose.
“You don’t know what you’re saying sure to, but I like your adventurous spirit.”
My spirit has never been adventurous, but I let him have this. He turns into me, putting his arm around my neck, pulling me into his side. Even after a long day of working in what I know were hot temperatures he still smells good. It’s also hard not to notice how perfectly I fit into the crook of his body. He holds his phone out, pressing his cheek to mine.
“Smile.”
His voice is so deep in my ear. It makes me think of other reasons for his voice to be that deep and that close to me.
“Thank you.” He pulls back too quickly. “Thank you so much.”
I’m left bereft and cold where our bodies were touching. “No problem.”
He fires off a text, and I have an idea. “Can you text it to me too?”
It’s a way to ask for his number without really asking for it. It’s crazy how hard I give myself a pat on the back for it.
“Sure.” He gives me a grin. It almost says I know what you’re doing, but right now I don’t even care. I fire off my number to him, and blatantly save his when I get the picture.
It’s not a minute later when Cutter’s phone comes through with a FaceTime request. He laughs loudly. “Oh, this should be good.”
He answers it. “Hey, Stelle.”
“Don’t hey Stelle me, how can you be standing with your arm around someone wearing an Auburn shirt? You just wait until I show my mother and my husband. How could you even speak to your nephew when you’re a traitor?”
He laughs even louder. “The same way I’m speaking to you. Stella, meet Rowan, she’s been helping us while we’ve been here. She’s a fellow first responder.”
He turns the phone to where I am, and I can almost see this beautiful woman grinding her teeth. “Hi.” She waves, holding a cute toddler in her arms. They’re both wearing Alabama shirts. I do my best not to let the disgust show on my face. “We’re a Roll Tide family around here, sorry I reacted so badly.”
“No problem, I get it. I mean, we’ll win the Iron Bowl, but you can have your little Rammer Jammer. It’s cute.”
She makes a face, and then it turns into a smile. “I like you, you’ll be good for him.”
The way she says those words startle me, and I give the phone back to him. Their conversation plays in my periphery just like Sullivan and Candace’s does. Will this ever be the way my life works out?
When everyone is finally finished with their conversations and flirting, we take a seat and order. But the lightheartedness I felt earlier is gone. I can’t explain, couldn’t even if I wanted to, but sometimes little moments in life trigger me. They make me think about what could have been. What I had and what I lost.
“You okay?” Sullivan asks as we get situated in our booth.
“Fine.” I give him the smile I always do when something is bothering me and I don’t want to talk about it. “Tell me more about your plans for the rest of the day.”
He talks, just like I want him to, but I don’t listen. The words are all jumbled as I try to make sense of what’s going on inside my brain and my heart. Emotions are warring with one another. There’s no doubt in my mind I want to move forward, I want to be the type of person who can accept the type of love I deserve, but I’ve held myself back for so long, I’m unsure of how to let it back into my life.
The door to the shop dings and in walks a family. A little girl who would be the age of my daughter now, along with what looks like her mom and dad. I watch them, wondering how differently my life would be right now if I hadn’t lost her.
But for the first time I don’t feel the loss as acutely as I have for so long. My gaze goes across the table to where Cutter sits. If I hadn’t lost her, I probably wouldn’t be in this position right now, and I may not have met him.
Good things come to those who wait is what I’ve always been told, and as I watch him take a bit of the sandwich he ordered, I wonder if my patience is paying off.
Is it finally my turn?
Chapter Thirteen
Cutter
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I grin seeing my mom’s smiling face.
L: Auburn fan huh?
C: Jesus. Christ. That quick?
L: Whitney already came into The Café. Stella told her about this girl with the Auburn shirt on. Whit said well at least we still got Ransom. You’ve been withdrawn as a member of the family.
C: That’s okay
L: Cutter, seriously?
C: This girl, Mom, I think she’s worth it.
L: I love you, Cutter. Be safe.
C: I will, love you too.
As soon as I’m done, my phone vibrates again.
R: Hope your ass knows I’m in the doghouse because of you. Rambo and I are sleeping on the fucking couch tonight.
C: Why?
R: Duh, does Little Ms. Auburn ring a bell.
C: Shut the fuck up.
R: You know my wife is serious about football.
C: Let me go cry you a river.
R: Dammit Cutter, I gotta go, but you’ll pay for this.
“Why are you so popular tonight?” Tucker looks over at me.
“Stella’s big mouth told everybody I’m dating an Auburn fan. It’s all-out war now.”
“Good luck with all of that,” Tucker laughs as he answers his own phone. Probably his nightly phone call from Karsyn.
I don’t know why I’m here, standing in front of Rowan’s apartment. I saw her this afternoon, but I want to see her again. Sitting in the hotel room, listening to Tucker talk to Karsyn, it reminded me of what I don’t have. I’m acutely aware of what I want, and more than anything, it gave me an overwhelming urge to see Rowan again.
Knocking on the door, I feel like I’m about to go on my first date. My stomach is in my throat, and my hands fucking shake.
When she opens the door, the surprise is evident in the way she takes a step back, but then a smile curls at the tips of her lips. “Cutter?”
“Hey.” I reach back, scratching my neck, before I start playing with the necklace I wear.
“Hey,” she answers. Glancing down at her, I see she’s changed into a tank top and short shorts. Her feet are bare, toenails painted a hot pink color I wouldn’t have imagined she’d wear. I’d expect it on say Stella or Karsyn, but not on this woman who hides so much from the outside world. “What are you doing here, Cutter?
That’s a great question, one I asked myself the entire time I was on my way to her. I wondered how I’d answer when she asked, because I knew she would ask. “I just wanted to see you.”
She grins, looking down bashfully. “Really? You saw me this afternoon.”
“It wasn’t nearly enough.”
Fuck it, if there’s anything my time here has taught me, it’s that tomorrow isn’t promised and you’ve got to do the things you want while you can.
“Cutter…”
“Walk with me?” I beg her. We’re blocks from the beach. “Please, walk with me.”
The indecision slides across her face, but then I can tell the minute she makes the decision. Will it be one that changes both our lives? We won’t know until years from now, but I’m triumphant. All I want to do is get to know her better.
“Okay, be right back.”
It feels like an eternity as I wait for her, but she returns soon enough carrying a blanket.
“Just in case we get sick of walking.”
She shuts her door, and that’s when I notice she has a keypad along with a traditional keyhole for a lock. “This is such an awesome thing for when I don’t want to carry my keys. Like right now.”
Like the gentleman my mom raised me to be, I grab the blanket.
“Thanks for agreeing to come with me.”
Cutter Page 7
