Nine Letters Long

by J. C. Burke

  Instead, she needs their pain to drain from her body. Every last little drop so she can face the days and get on with life. If she could do it after Adelaide, then she can do it now. It would be so easy to sink into their darkness with them. To hold on to their anger and help them fight the battle. But that’s not what Evie wants. She wants her life back. She wants to step out of their darkness back into the light.

  The phone rings. The ever-familiar recorded voice on the answering machine clicks to life. Evie waits to hear who it will be. There’s one person she still hasn’t spoken to. Well, two, actually, but that second conversation will be difficult.

  ‘Evie? Hey.’

  It’s him. Evie runs to the phone. ‘Hi,’ she says, a smile pulling at her cheeks. ‘Hi. I’m sorry I haven’t called.’

  ‘I thought you probably needed a few days,’ Seb answers. ‘And Poppy filled me in, anyway. Full on, eh? It’s been an epic time for you, Evie. You probably don’t really want to talk about it.’

  ‘Later, yeah? Just not at the moment,’ Evie replies. ‘I’ve got to try and put it all away in my own head first.’

  ‘I know what you mean.’

  ‘Are you … okay … Seb?’

  ‘’Course. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. But I didn’t have to go through what you did.’ The gentleness in his voice makes Evie weak at the knees. ‘Are you okay? Really?’

  ‘Yeah, I am. It’s just so good for it to be over. At least for me. Paris is … having to face it all.’

  ‘She was such a weird chick. No wonder.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘When are you coming back to school?’

  ‘Next week. Then exams start the week after that.’

  ‘Then holidays!’

  ‘Seb, I haven’t said thank you.’

  ‘Yes you have.’

  ‘Well, I want to say it again. Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without you, Seb.’

  There’s a flash of silence.

  ‘Evie?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Do you want to do something with me?’ Seb asks. ‘Like go out somewhere. A movie maybe?’

  ‘I’d love to. I really would.’

  ‘You sure?’

  ‘Of course I’m sure!’ Evie laughs.

  ‘Great. So a movie?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Which one?’

  ‘What about that burping, farting movie with those two guys. What’s it called?’

  ‘Blade Boys?’

  ‘Yeah, that’s it.’

  ‘You really want to see that? It’s kind of a blokey movie.’

  ‘I want to see something really stupid and silly. Something that’ll make me laugh.’

  ‘Well, it’s stupid and silly. That’s for sure.’

  ‘Perfect!’

  ‘Have you spoken to Alex yet?’

  ‘No.’ Evie groans. ‘I’m feeling pretty bad about it.’

  ‘Why should you feel bad about it?’

  ‘’Cause she’s hurt and she’s my friend,’ Evie tells him. ‘It kind of all makes sense now – why she was acting so insecure and … horrible.’

  ‘So you’ve forgiven her?’

  ‘Of course I have. We’ve been friends forever. That has to count for something. Besides, I can’t imagine life without her.’

  ‘She totally flipped out at Zac.’

  ‘So she should have.’

  ‘Oh yeah, no, I agree. He’s a prick. He deserves it. But –’ Seb begins.

  ‘But what?’

  ‘But he’s pretty cut up too.’

  ‘He’s cut up because of Dana, not because of Alex.’

  ‘Well, I think after Alex let it rip he felt pretty bad,’ Seb tells her. ‘He can’t help it. He’s always had a thing with Dana and when she showed a bit of interest in him I don’t think he knew how to handle it. I told him what an idiot he was but he told me to piss off.’

  ‘Why would he really think she’d be interested in him? For a start, he’s younger.’

  ‘Yeah, well, we know why, don’t we? She wanted his old man to cough up and invest in her business. It was a complete use and Zac just didn’t see it.’

  ‘Stop it; you’re nearly making me feel sorry for him!’

  ‘Zac’s dad’s a top bloke and a good businessman. I think he sniffed it out.’ Seb’s voice quietens. ‘Zac’ll never tell me that bit. You know, ego and pride and stuff.’

  ‘Well, let him eat humble pie,’ Evie replies. ‘He hurt my friend.’

  ‘Yeah, Alex is definitely better off without him and now she’ll be off my case about Roxy.’

  ‘If you think he’s such a prick, how come you’re best mates with him?’

  ‘I don’t have to go out with him!’ Seb snorts. ‘And, like you said, being mates for a long time has to count for something.’

  Evie agrees. It has to count for something.

  That afternoon when the doorbell rings, Evie doesn’t need to sneak into the lounge room and peer through the blinds. She knows who it is and who is with her.

  Poppy is standing in the doorway. ‘Hi,’ she chimes. ‘I brought someone over to see you.’ Alex appears from behind Poppy. ‘Hi, Evie.’

  ‘Al.’

  Alex gives a little wave and her bottom lip quivers.

  ‘Oh, Alex.’ She steps into the doorway so Evie can wrap her arms around her.

  ‘I feel so stupid,’ she sobs. ‘I thought he liked me.’

  ‘He wasn’t good enough for you, Al.’

  ‘You knew all along, didn’t you?’ Alex looks up at Evie, sniffing and wiping her nose on her school blouse. ‘You told me I was going to get hurt and you were right.’

  ‘Well, I didn’t know that,’ Evie says, and hugs Alex again. ‘I’ve missed you.’

  ‘I’ve missed you too.’

  ‘Let’s have a cuppa,’ Poppy says to the girls. ‘Celebrate the reunion.’

  In the kitchen, Alex tells her sorry tale. Every now and then, Poppy interrupts, adding in a detail Alex forgot, or simply giving her opinion.

  ‘He told me he’s been in love with Dana since he was twelve,’ Alex hiccoughs. ‘He started to cry when he told me that.’

  ‘Can you believe that?’ Poppy exclaims. ‘He was crying for himself, not for Alex.’

  ‘Oh, he did feel bad, Poppy,’ Alex tells her. ‘And I did give it to him.’

  ‘So I heard,’ Evie adds.

  ‘Yeah?’ Alex says proudly. ‘They used to disappear for ages, but as if I could’ve said anything to him. Not even Roxy, her own sister, knew. Well, she says she didn’t.’

  ‘It’s all over now,’ Poppy nods. ‘Zac has no one. No Dana and no Alex.’

  ‘Oh, I’m such an idiot,’ Alex laments. ‘I know you guys tried to tell me but there was no way I was ever going to take any notice.’

  Evie sits there listening to them, a lightness filling her body, her aches and pains dissolving. This is what she wants, what she craves – the normal things in life. Like break-ups and boyfriends and sitting around kitchens with girlfriends. And here it is right in front of her.

  ‘You guys are my best friends.’ Evie says it out loud.

  ‘Huh?’ They look at her, surprised at the change of topic.

  ‘Well, you are,’ she nods. ‘I just felt like saying it.’

  ‘Evie, I know there’s been stuff happening with you, too,’ Alex begins. ‘And I haven’t been a very good or understanding friend about it, and I always wanted to be that person for you. I feel like I really let you down.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter now, Al. It really doesn’t.’

  ‘Don’t shut me up; I want to say this. I’m sorry I wasn’t, well, you know, the way I should’ve been. And I hope one day you’ll tell me what happened. Not now, though,’ Alex shakes her head. ‘I’ve got an overload in this pea-sized brain of mine. But later, I’d like to know, if you’re happy to tell me, that is.’

  ‘You reckon your head’s on overload,’ Poppy says. ‘You wait. Evie gives brain overloa
ds a whole new meaning.’

  ‘Poppy!’ Evie squeals. ‘I do not.’

  The girls shoot her a glance. ‘Okay,’ Evie admits. ‘I do.’ And she starts giggling, too.

  ‘Oh, guess what!’ Poppy claps her hands. ‘My gran said we call all stay with her at the Gold Coast these Chrissy holidays.’

  ‘Ahh,’ Alex squeals. ‘Let’s crash Schoolies!’

  ‘No, we can’t go till January,’ Poppy says. ‘But still … good, eh?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Evie replies. ‘Wow.’

  ‘I’m going on a diet tomorrow,’ Alex nods. ‘I’ve seen the nicest bikini. It’s got these little …’ Evie puts her feet up on the kitchen bench. ‘These little tie things on the side.’ Alex stops her description. ‘Hey, Evie, cool shoes. Can I borrow them one day?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Evie wiggles her feet in her new ballet slippers from the markets. ‘This is the first time I’ve worn them.’

  ‘Why can’t I ever find things like that?’ Alex complains. ‘Where’d you get them?’

  ‘From Petrina’s stall at the –’

  ‘They’re … vintage?’ Poppy and Alex squeak in unison.

  ‘Yeah.’

  Evie sees Poppy’s eyes widen. ‘You don’t think?’ she begins.

  ‘What?’ answers Poppy.

  ‘You don’t think stuff could, like, channel up through the soles of my feet. Do you?’

  Poppy looks at Alex. Alex shrugs. ‘Nahhh,’ they say together.

  The kitchen erupts in hysterics.

  ‘Dear Athena,’ Evie writes that night, snuggled back in her own bed.

  Mum went with Victoria to see Nora today. She’s devastated. She hasn’t got out of bed. She says she had absolutely no idea what was going on. Mum says it’s going to be a long journey there, but at least it’s begun.

  It’s a grim time ahead for Paris, too. Police interviews and all that stuff. I know I did the right thing but sometimes when I wake through the night I can’t help thinking about what she has to go through now. So I have to keep reminding myself that it’s a billion trillion times better than before.

  I didn’t want to go with Mum and Victoria to see them. Not that they asked me, anyway. I don’t mean it to sound selfish but I kind of never want to see Nora again and I’m not sure I really want to see Paris, either. I’ve done all I can. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt about this it’s that I have to move on, otherwise I’d drown in all this sorrow – your family’s sorrow, Caz’s family’s sorrow.

  So that’s why I have to move on. It’s not that I don’t care or that I’m cold. It’s just how it is. I want to think about my date on Friday night and what I’m going to wear – all that stuff, the real stuff. Is it so bad to think like that?

  I hope Caz is able to move on, too. To go to that next space so she can be with her dad. She must’ve felt so powerless. No wonder she gate-crashed our séance like that. Boy, was she mad, and she had every right to be! What she had to go through was the worst thing imaginable. In fact, she chose death over it. He should be charged with her murder. My stomach turns every time I think of him. All that trust Nora put in him. I wonder if she’ll ever be able to trust anyone again. I know I couldn’t.

  It’s weird looking back on things. I went through my book (for the last time, I swear!). All the messages, except that one I got at Victoria’s, were nine words. Each word always beginning with the same nine letters that jumbled and joined formed a name, nine letters long. It looks so obvious now. I’m just glad we figured it out. I’m even gladder it’s over. I hope Caz has found the peace that she deserves. I think, out of everything, that’s what sits in my mind – the hope that I did the right thing by her.

  Forever, Evie x.

  Evie falls into a sleep, peaceful, deep and devoid of dreams. At one point, she stirs and the faintest whiff of perfume tickles the hairs in her nostrils. It’s just a trace. It’s hardly even there but it’s unmistakable, fresh and light like a florist’s in the morning. Evie smiles, turns over and drifts back to sleep.

  Acknowledgements

  Eva Mills

  Jo Butler

  Tara Wynne

  Liz, Kelly, Meredith and Jacqui for freaking out with me around the ouija board when we were teenagers

  And as always Nick, Victoria and Michael

  About the author

  J. C. Burke was born in Sydney in 1965, the fourth of five daughters. With writers for parents, she grew up in a world full of noise, drama and books, and the many colourful characters who came to visit provided her with an endless supply of stories and impersonations.

  Burke decided to become a nurse after her mother lost a long battle with cancer. She trained at Royal Prince Alfred Hospital in Sydney and later specialised in the field of Oncology, working in Haematology and Bone Marrow Transplant Units in Australia and the UK. A creative writing course at Sydney University led to a mentorship with Gary Crew and the publication in 2002 of her first novel, White Lies (Lothian), a CBC Notable Book. The Red Cardigan was published by Random House Australia in 2004. J. C. Burke’s fourth novel, The Story of Tom Brennan, a gripping story of family love and loss, secrets and revelations, will be published in late 2005.

  J. C. Burke lives on Sydney’s Northern Beaches with her husband and two children. She does a lot of yoga and a bit of nursing. She loves writing for children and young adults, as they still have an optimistic eye on the world.

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