Long Blue Line: Based on a True Story

by E. McNew

  I had a very difficult time falling asleep that night. My mind was racing and I didn't know if it was from excitement or total, complete fear. We woke up early the next day because our wedding was scheduled for noon. We needed enough time to find something to wear and break the news to Donnie and Casie. While I was taking a shower and getting ready, Derrick said he was going to go down to the store to find something to wear. "Since we are running short on time, can you look and see if there are any cute white dresses for me? It doesn't have to be fancy, but I definitely want it to be nice." "Yeah, I'll look and call you when I find something." Derrick came back after what felt like only about 15 minutes. I thought that he probably didn't have any luck finding me a dress because he had been so quick to return. He had two bags in his hands, and with a look of curiosity on my face, I asked him if he found what we needed. He pulled out a white dress for me, and I was completely surprised because it looked exactly how I had envisioned it to be and it ended up sitting me perfect.

  When we were all dressed and ready to go, Derrick called Donnie to see if he wanted to go along. Donnie was still sleeping but Casie was awake and said that she wanted to be there. We decided to just show up in our wedding attire, and woke Donnie up. He walked into the living room all groggy and confused. It was kind of funny. "Whoa, what are you guys doing? Are we getting married today, or something?" "Yep, do I look adorable?" Casie, laughed. "You look beautiful!" I did feel pretty that day. I had my hair down, and it was long and the ends were curled. I hadn't been dressed up for anything in a very long time. Casie’s mom and sister showed up just a few minutes after we got to their house. They were just as excited as the rest of us, and I gladly invited them to come along as well. I wanted to get a lot of pictures, and on top of it, I thought it would be a blessing if we at least had some people there. The closer it got to noon, the more nervous I got. I pulled one of my dirt infested anti-anxiety pills out of my purse and chewed it up. I couldn't tell if it was a normal case of nervousness, which most brides had before their wedding, or if it was because my subconscious was yelling and screaming and kicking and trying to tell me something. It didn't matter, it was going to happen, and I ignored my fears.

  After the baby was dressed and ready to go our wedding guests followed us less than a mile down the street to the chapel. We walked in and I was worried that I was going to faint. The lady that was going to do the ceremony kind of made a big deal out of it - bigger than I really wanted. She actually made me walk down the tiny little three-foot aisle. She played really cheesy classical music on a tiny little radio, and I honestly just wanted to die because I was so mortified. I hated that everyone was staring at me, and I was rethinking my excitement over inviting everyone. I would've been thrilled to have a brown paper bag placed over my head. When my long and enduring walk down the aisle was finished, I stood in front of the efficient and Derrick was right next to me. She had us grab each other's hands. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it felt like she went on forever, and I just wanted her to shut up. I was shaking, and it was not going away. In fact, it was actually getting worse the closer I got to saying I do. After what felt like an eternity of awkward torture, we both finally got it over with. We kissed and we were done. We stayed in the chapel for a few minutes to get pictures, and I made sure that we got pictures with the new baby. I was sad that it wasn't our daughter that we were holding in those pictures, but I still was happy that the baby was there. That was it - we finally got it over with and were married. I never asked him, but I'm pretty sure that Derrick was feeling the same way. We just weren't very publicly affectionate people, and it was more of a pain than anything, but we felt like it was the right thing to do.

  After it was official, we went home to change into more comfortable clothes and packed an overnight bag. We were going to get a suite in the casino and spend our honeymoon having fun at the poker table. Derrick hardly ever drank alcohol, and any time I did, he got extremely annoyed. He made an exception for tonight. Before we got to the casino and checked into our room, we stopped at the liquor store and got a couple of bottles of Jack Daniels. When we walked up to the concierge desk, we told the receptionist that we had just gotten married and it was our honeymoon. We had a suspicion that if we told them that we were there for a special occasion, we might get a discount on our room. The man behind the desk began to check us in, and with a grin on his face, he handed us a special card and said, "you can thank me when you check out. I'll want to hear how your stay was." I didn't know what we were going to be walking into, but I knew it was going to be awesome. It was even better than I imagined it to be when we opened the door. We walked into the bright room with Roman style couches and vaulted ceilings. We had a huge Jacuzzi, the bed was awesome, and the view was probably the best view that the entire casino could offer. We were on the very top floor, and looking out the window was truly breathtaking. Our room was overlooking the entire Lake surrounded by green forest. We invited Donnie and Casie along with her mom and sister to come say hi if they wanted to. It was still early in the day, and we probably wouldn't head down to gamble for a few hours. They stopped by and instantly understood why we were so eager to show off our room. They stayed for probably an hour, and I held the baby most of the time. He was so tiny and sweet, and he was so content when he was sleeping. From what I could tell he didn't really cry very much. The time that I noticed he cried was only when he wasn't being held. He was a little cuddle bug and I felt like I could hold him forever. It made me miss my own baby, and it made me sad that I had to miss out on those precious times with her. I snapped probably one hundred pictures of him in that hour and kissed him goodbye when they left.

  After grabbing something to eat at one of the restaurants in the casino, we headed back up the stairs to get ready for some black jack. Because Derrick hadn't had anything to drink in such a long time, he didn't remember that his tolerance level was low. He got drunk pretty quick, and I had to convince him to take me down to gamble. He didn't put up much of a fight like he usually would, because he knew that it was something I really wanted to do. And after all, it was our wedding night. We stayed downstairs until about three or four in the morning. We had a blast at the blackjack table and our luck was high. We walked away with over $400. Our entire wedding had already been paid for in our winnings. We sat with some really nice people, and I think one of them might have been a man I should have recognized, but I was just too much of an 88 to know who he was. The other people at the table were looking at me like I was a total moron for not knowing who this guy was, but it wasn't my fault that I was too young! When we left the casino the next day, we both agreed that we had an amazing time. We knew that it was one of those nights that we would never forget.

  Chapter 62

  When I got the courage to tell my family that I had married Derrick, I was surprised and also relieved that they went out of their way to congratulate me. They were showing their support for me the best way that they could, even if they didn't want to.

  The binges quickly resumed, and it wasn't long before Casie fell back into it as well. At this point, it took a lot to get me high, and it almost seemed like I needed it just to feel normal. We mostly hung out over at Donnie’s and Casie's house because it was easier for them since they had the new baby. Donnie was beginning to lose his temper even though the baby was only a couple weeks old. When the baby would cry, he would yell at him. Derrick tried to step in and say something to Donnie, but it didn't have any impact. Donnie was high and back to his meth-induced psychosis type behavior. When Casie was at the store with her mom, and she had left the baby in Donnie’s care, and there were a few times that I almost couldn't handle the circumstances that he would put his baby in. He was revving up a remote control car inside the house, and it actually had fumes blowing out of it. The baby was only 2 feet away. Right away, I went and picked the baby up hoping that I wouldn't upset Donnie. Luckily I didn't, and he seemed like he was more relieved that I was tending to his baby. Another time, th
e baby had a dirty diaper. I told Derrick, and I offered to change him, but Derrick insisted that his brother change him. "It's his son, he needs to learn how to do things like this." Donnie was very rough with his baby. There was nothing calm, or gentle about the way that he handled him. It upset me and gave me pretty bad anxiety.

  When Casie got back from the store, we sat on the couch and talked for hours while the guys were working on electrical stuff. The little baby was fussy and he seemed like he had a tummy ache. I could tell Casie was tired, and she was overwhelmed and didn't know what to do. I offered to hold the baby, and she gladly handed him over. I put him on his tummy, on my knees, and rocked him back and forth. He fell asleep within just a few minutes. Casie asked me questions about what to do if this happens, or what not to do if that happens. I gave her the best advice that I could, and I knew that she was paying attention. My main fear was that she trusted Donnie, naturally, because he was the baby's father. I didn't know how to tell her that he was scaring me without it offending her.

  Later that night after the guys had come inside, the baby woke up again and was crying. The second that Casie handed the baby to Donnie he baby started screaming even louder and more intensely. It was almost as if the baby was afraid of his own father, even though he was only a newborn and most would think that a newborn wouldn't know the difference. Donnie began throwing the baby in the air as if he were a father playfully tossing his toddler in the air. The baby's head was bouncing back and forth because he had no control over his muscles in his neck yet. "Bro, you don't do that with a newborn baby. You're gonna end up breaking his neck. He just wants to be held still and in a calm environment." Derrick tried his best to intervene, but Donnie wasn't trying to hear any of it. "No, he's just fine. I don't know how else to make him shut up." I saw the look of fear and rage come over Derrick’s face and he looked my way. "Let's get out of here." We left right then, without even saying goodbye.

  When we got home, as I was folding laundry I was trying to think of a way that I could anonymously make a report. I always thought that I would never wish the CPS on my worst enemy, but this was a case that would be warranted. I wondered if Lilah would be willing to make a report for me. Lilah hates me, what am I thinking. Derrick and I talked about what we had witnessed. "I can tell you this right now, we are not going over there anymore. I'm sick of getting high all the time, and that baby is going to end up dead. I want nothing to do with it." "Neither do I, that's the last thing that we need right now. But imagine how you would feel if something actually did happen to the baby and we could have prevented it." He nodded his head in agreement, but he still didn't know what to do. I had decided in my mind that the next time I spoke with one of my friends, I would see if I could get them to make an anonymous report for me. That way I wouldn't feel like I was in the middle of it.

  Derrick stayed true to his word, and we did not return to their house. I could tell that he was getting tired of the self-destruction, and he had an overwhelming sense of fear for his nephew but simply didn't know how to go about it. We were starting to get along again, and it was probably because we had been sober for a few days. We talked about our daughter, and our plans to move to Texas, and how nice it was going to be to finally get away from the chaos. This time around, every single inch of me wanted to leave this town. It had become dark and unpredictable. It felt lonely, and every time I left the house to go out in public, I had a severe panic attack. It turned into agoraphobia. Besides the times that we went over to Derrick and Casie's house and the occasional dinner outing, I did not leave the house. I thought it was better to just avoid the panic situation altogether.

  On our third day after we left Donnie and Casie's house, Derrick got up early to go to work, and I decided to sleep in. A few hours after he left, I was woken up from the blaring sound of sirens that were speeding down the highway directly in front of our house. I tried to fall back asleep thinking that they would fade away, but they kept going on and on and on. It was a solid five minutes of sirens, and they were loudly screaming in my ear. When they finally faded, I rolled back to my side and tried to go back to sleep. It was probably around 10:00 in the morning. Normally sirens don't really grab my attention as much as these did. I just thought it was strange that they had lasted for so long. About five minutes after the sirens faded, I was almost back to sleep when the phone rang. I had caller ID, and I didn't know who was calling, so I let it go to the message machine. I was sleeping upstairs, and I heard the muffled sound of the machine below me. It was a woman’s voice, but I wasn’t sure exactly who it was. It sounded like it might be important, so I picked up the phone while the person was leaving their message. “Hello?” I tried to sound more alert than I really was. “Elizabeth! It’s Casie’s mom!” She sounded frantic. I could barely make out what she was saying. “I’m on the way to the hospital…he…he’s not breathing!”

  Chapter 63

  “Wait, try to breathe,” I said, trying to make sense of what I was hearing. “Who isn’t breathing?” I asked, praying that I had heard her wrong. “The baby! He’s not breathing!” she screamed in terror. “WHAT? Is he okay? Where is he?” I panicked. “He’s in the ambulance on the way to the hospital right now. I’m following the ambulance. I don’t know what’s going on! When Casie called me and said he wasn’t breathing, I rushed over to her house, and the ambulance was putting him in the back!” “Oh my God. I’ll be at the hospital in a few minutes, okay?” “Okay, HURRY!”

  I hung up the phone, unsure of how I was going to get to the hospital. Derrick was at work, and I knew that if he knew what was going on, he would have been driving back here like a maniac. I called one of my friends to see if she would give me a ride to the hospital. She arrived about five minutes later. I paced back and forth wondering what I was supposed to say to Derrick. Just as she was approaching my front sliding door, the phone rang again. It had been about fifteen minutes since I spoke with Casie’s mom. I recognized the number. I hesitantly answered the call. “Hello?” “Elizabeth, it’s Casie’s sister.” The sixteen-year-old girl was sniffling. “Is the baby okay?” I begged. “My…m…mom says to tell you that baby Donnie is no longer with us.” She broke down in hysterics. “Oh my God. I’m…so sorry. I am on my way okay? Tell your mom that I will be there as soon as I can.” I hung up the phone. A part of me knew that this was coming. From the moment I was able to understand what Casie’s mom was saying, my gut was telling me that the baby was not going to be with us anymore. “

  What’s wrong babe?” Crystal asked as she saw the look of despair on my face. I walked outside on the deck where she was standing, holding her keychain. “He’s dead. The baby died.” I said in an emotionless tone. She was speechless for the first few moments. Not knowing what to do, I kicked the glass sliding door as hard as I could, hoping that it would shatter. It didn’t. I cried and Crystal gave me a hug. Derrick needed to hurry up and get home. I couldn't get a hold of him, and I thought that maybe his cell phone had died. The only other thing that I knew to do was call his boss. I told her what was going on, and she said that she was going to send him home, but she'd tell him that I wasn't feeling good and I needed a ride to the doctor. That way, he wouldn't end up driving like a maniac and end up hurting himself or someone else on the way. When he pulled into the driveway, he was in a perfectly happy mood. There was no nice way to break the news, so I just said it as calmly and straightforward as I could. "I have really, really horrible news." "What?" He looked totally confused, and probably thought that I was sick. "It's the baby."

  That was all that I had to say. He knew that the baby was gone. He calmly turned around, facing the bed of his truck. I was happy that Crystal was with me because I didn't know what to expect. A few seconds later he violently punched the tailgate, slicing his knuckles open. He moved away from us trying to process the information. "I'm going to fucking kill him," he said, with a look of complete seriousness on his face. To calm him down, I went against my personal beliefs and tried to help him keep
an open mind. "You need to just calm down and not jump to conclusions. It could have been anything, we don't know yet. Babies die of SIDS. And if they had nothing to do with what happened, you definitely don't want to start pointing fingers, because imagine how they would feel if it's something that they had no control over.

  Crystal had to leave to pick up her son, and we decided that we should start heading towards the hospital. We didn't know if they were still there, but we didn't really know what else to do. When we pulled into the side of the hospital where the emergency room entrance was, we saw the entire family walking out of the front doors. They were all walking slowly with their heads down, and the hospital’s Reverend was with them holding a Bible. We parked and got out of the truck, hesitantly walking toward them. We didn't know how we would comfort anyone, and I had personally never encountered a situation where a family had lost a loved one. As soon as Casey saw me, she walked over to me bawling her eyes out, and I put my arms around her. I held her while she cried for probably 10 minutes. I felt the pain radiating off of her soul. It was deep and it was brutal. I had not experienced a loss quite like she had, but I knew what it felt like to permanently lose a child. There was nothing that anyone could say or do to make the painful fact change. Donnie was in tears with his arms in the air as he approached his brother. "My kid is dead, man!" he bawled as his brother tried to comfort him. The hospital had scheduled the baby to be transported to the morgue, where his little body would wait until the coroner picked him up for an autopsy.