You're Not Broken

by Hart, Gemma

  Kat nodded, understanding yet not comprehending. Adrenaline was still coursing through her.

  “What can we do in the meanwhile then, doctor?” Jason asked, taking up the questioning. Kat felt grateful that he was able to ask the truly important question she knew she had wanted to ask but her mind had seemed incapable of asking.

  The soft buzzing came again from Jason’s pocket. Kat looked down at his pocket, where a dim light shone through his jeans and then looked up at him, eyes questioning why he wasn’t picking up.

  Dr. Greene had heard it too but Jason gave his head a quick shake, indicating he was not interested in any calls right now.

  “Right now, your support and love is the best thing for Dillon,” Dr. Greene said in a quiet but warm voice. “I know it’s hard standing by but you’re doing so much for his health by letting him know he is loved and worried over. You’d be surprised how much that kind of knowledge in a patient helps his recovery. He’s in a coma but that doesn’t mean he can’t hear.” He paused and gave Kat a serious look that meant for her to believe him. “He knows you’re here.”

  Kat felt hot tears fall at his words.

  The doctor gave her a rundown of the medication they would be giving Dillon. Right now, they had to watch him carefully since his immunity was already weakened by his chemotherapy. This treatment would be a balancing act between medication to fight off his infection and sterility in keeping his compromised immunity safe.

  “Thank you, doctor,” she said.

  Dr. Greene gave her a warm handshake before quickly heading down the hall towards his next patient and his next case.

  Jason and Kat went back into the ICU. The hushed room was full of soft shuffling nurses and cold, mechanical whirs and beeps.

  Kat took a seat next to Dillon’s bed, immediately reaching for her brother’s hand. She kissed the back of his hand and whispered, “Hey, Dill. I’m here.”

  She waited for a moment, knowing it was impossible that he could reply but half hoping he would.

  But all she heard was the steady beeping of his heart monitor and the whirs of his intubation.

  Kat turned towards Jason who stood behind her. “Jason, you don’t have to stay,” she said. “Thank you for driving me but I can’t keep you from—”

  “You think I’m going to leave you and Dillon in a hospital miles away from home?” he replied, brow raised as if daring her to think so. “I’m not leaving this hospital until I’ve seen Dillon give you a good whine about missing the experience of riding a helicopter.”

  Kat’s lips trembled as she smiled. She had wanted him to stay. God, she had wanted him to stay but she couldn’t ask more from this man when he had already done so much. He had almost singlehandedly saved her town, for heaven’s sake! Could she really ask more from him?

  “He really will be disappointed about that, won’t he?” she asked, thankful to be talking about his recovery as if it was an inevitability.

  Jason grinned. “Pissed, more like,” he said.

  Kat gave a shaky laugh, something the walls of the ICU ward very rarely heard.

  A soft buzzing echoed again.

  Kat looked at his glowing pocket. “You should take it,” she said. “It could be the guys at Doughy’s.”

  Jason’s lips pressed together as if debating whether he should in fact take the call or not. Kat was surprised. He was usually a very diligent boss and was always on hand for his men.

  He finally nodded. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll be right back.”

  He pressed a kiss on her forehead before stepping out into the hall.

  Kat turned back to Dillon.

  “Wake up,” she bribed, “and I promise you can ride the helicopter back to Peytonville.”

  Kat closed her eyes, imagining Dillon fighting valiantly against the invading germs to win that chopper ride.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  “They can send the contract over immediately,” Al said over the phone. “All you need to do is sign and you’re good to go.”

  “That was fast,” Jason said, not entirely pleased.

  “Well they heard the work you did in Peytonville,” Al said, sounding just as disappointed. “They heard you worked on remodeling an entire town and are now quite keen to have Brothers on their project.”

  Jason didn’t respond, unsure what he should even say.

  Al took the moment to express his own thoughts, which he no problems speaking out. “This is a mistake,” he said bluntly.

  Jason breathed out harshly, making the line crackle but Al pressed forward. “You’ve made a home for yourself in Peytonville. You’ve got friends. You’ve got a family. You’ve got a girl. You don’t need this contract.”

  There was a huge development project for a new suburb in Kentucky. Somehow the developers there had heard about Brothers Construction. They had immediately gotten in contact with Jason. They had offered a lucrative contract with very generous terms.

  All Jason had to do was sign.

  He had gotten the offer a few days ago but had been putting it off. He could feel that his heart had already run away from him. It belonged completely and totally to Kat.

  But his mind had not taken leave of its senses yet. He knew that if he truly loved that beautiful, wonderful woman, he would do right by her. And doing right by her didn’t necessarily mean staying with her. That had been the plan from the start.

  He had come to town to help Kat. And that was it.

  Except now, his heart had grown greedy. He wasn’t satisfied and wanted more. He wanted her.

  Jason sighed. “Al,” he started. “You know why I can’t stay. Why I shouldn’t stay.”

  “Because you think you’re not fit for decent people?” Al demanded. “Because you think you’re too damaged and too deranged? Keep exiling yourself and you really will be.” It was Al’s turn to sigh. “Listen, kid. The universe gave you the ultimate gift. They gave you an angel on earth. They want you to know that broken men like us might still be worth a damn.”

  But Al had never married. He hadn’t had anything resembling a relationship in nearly a decade. And before then, all his relationships had been volatile and crazy with someone always being hurt.

  How was Jason any different from Al?

  “You’re not as looney as me, pal,” Al said, interrupting Jason’s thoughts. “So don’t get any clever ideas of trying to seem more pathetic.” He gave a dry snort. “Listen, I never had the strength you did. That’s the god’s honest truth. A few years ago, I never would’ve admitted that. Hell, maybe a few months ago, I still wouldn’t have. But seeing you about to throw away the best thing that will ever happen in your life has made me an honest man.” He paused. “To an extent.”

  “Jesus, Al, you know that—”

  “You want to learn how to sleep without a gun under your pillow or a knife by your side? You want to learn how to shower without your shoulders hunched? How to open a door without your neck as tight as a twig?” Al demanded, clearly more than familiar with the lifestyle of a haunted soldier. “You give that girl, that miraculous and brave girl, a chance at your heart.”

  Jason leaned an arm against a wall. “You think it’s that simple? One girl can heal everything?” He hadn’t meant to sound so cynical but he couldn’t help it. He wasn’t going to risk Kat’s heart and possibly safety just for his own selfish needs.

  “No, asshole,” Al returned. “Just like you can’t heal every wound she has in her heart. But you can support each other, ease the pain and the weight. Why do they throw two men in a foxhole? So there’s always someone looking out for you, watching your back. We’re meant to be paired. And you can’t find a better partner to be in a foxhole with than that girl.”

  Jason squeezed his eyes shut. He wanted to plug his ears and jam his heart against Al’s words.

  Of course he wanted to stay. But he was no fool. He’d had years to learn as to the extent of his damage. His brokenness. And just how dangerous all of that was.

  Sur
e, it sounded good—so damn good—to stay with Kat in Peytonville. But what kind of life would he be condemning her to if he stayed? What kind of sleepless and dangerous life?

  “Have them send the contract,” Jason finally said. “Tell them we can be in Kansas within their timeline.”

  He heard Al give frustrated sigh before hanging up.

  Jason ran a hand roughly through his hair as he told himself he was doing the right thing.

  As he turned around to rejoin Kat, he found her standing by the corner, to paper cups of coffee in her hands and a look of wounded shock on her face.

  Chapter Twenty Three

  “You’re leaving?” she said, her voice sounding hollow.

  Jason bit his lip, looking unsure as to whether to confirm or deny the call. “Not for awhile,” he finally said.

  She gave a sharp release of breath, as if she had just remembered to exhale.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” she finally asked. “Why didn’t you tell me you were planning to—”

  She stopped. But he had. Neighborhood repairman, remember? He had told her that he would only be in town to work and then would be moving on out.

  But after all that had happened, Kat had forgotten that part. She had assumed that he had grown just as fond of Peytonville and of her as she had of him.

  Jason ran his hand again through his hair, clearing trying to untangle whatever thoughts were running through his head.

  “The job was offered just recently. I hadn’t known for long,” he said.

  Kat stared at him, feeling ridiculous with the two coffees in her hands. “But you knew last night?” she said, the question spoken as more of a statement.

  Jason stared at her. “Yes,” he admitted quietly.

  He had known he would be leaving when they had finally made love together. Kat could hardly believe what she was hearing. She could not have been the only one feeling their connection. It had been so strong, so undeniable for it to have been one sided.

  Jason took a step forward. “Kat, why don’t we talk about this later. We should go back—”

  Kat took a step back, shaking her head as she looked at Jason with the most profound look of betrayal. “No. No, we need to talk about this now,” she said. “If you’re going to leave, I want to talk about this right now.”

  Jason looked at Kat helplessly. “This isn’t just for me, the new job, I mean. This is…This is something that I think is the best for both of us,” he finished lamely, clearly unable to voice his thoughts in a convincing manner.

  Kat squinted in confusion. “What does that even mean? What is the best for both of us?”

  “Distance,” he answered abruptly, surprising himself and clearly surprising Kat.

  “You want distance,” Kat replied, her voice soft and hollow.

  Jason grimaced at how horribly wrong the words sounded coming from her. He looked at her almost pleadingly as he said, “As asshole-ish as this is going to sound, the distance is to keep you safe.”

  Kat shook her head. “Safe from what?” she demanded.

  “From me.”

  Kat stared at the man in front of her. This was the man that had so charmed her with his fierceness and naiveté two years ago. This was the man that had also saved her town two years later, remembering how much it meant to her. He was also the man that had won over her brothers, transformed Doughy Pop’s, and had so completely and fully entered her heart.

  “You’re not dangerous,” she whispered, meaning it.

  Jason gave a caustic huff of a laugh as he shook his head, looking as if he wished her words were true.

  “Have you ever seen that scar on Al’s forehead? Near his temple?” Jason asked suddenly. Kat gave a look of confusion as she nodded. “Or how about that dent in Dave’s forearm? Ever seen that?”

  Again, she nodded.

  “Al’s forehead was thanks to my fists,” Jason said grimly. “Dave’s arm was thanks to a Ka-Bar I was holding during a nightmare. Took out a good chunk of his flesh, which is why there’s that big dent.”

  Kat quietly drew in a breath as she listened to his confessions.

  Jason gave an empty smile almost out of reflex. “And those are only from the men that stuck around, that you’ve met. There are countless more walking around with scars and stitches from something I did when I wasn’t completely in control of myself.” He took in a ragged breath. “Even after all this time, I’m not always fully able to control my memories. They sneak up on me and take over….And at that point, I’m not safe.”

  He looked at her.

  “You’re not safe,” he said.

  Kat looked down at the steaming cups in her hands. Tears had stung her eyes when he had admitted to his intent to leave but she had forced them to stay still, to dry.

  She looked up now, with clear and certain eyes. “Jason,” she said steadily, “do you think Dillon will ever live a life where he won’t absolutely hate the mention of a hospital? Do you think he won’t always have some shadows of regret for the life he never got to live, the childhood he never got to have?”

  She paused but Jason was quiet, his eyes seemingly affixed on his boots. His tall frame was frozen like a statue.

  “Or how about Malcolm? Smart enough to probably earn himself a scholarship to any college but choosing to stay near his family because he knows how much we need his help? Won’t he have some lingering regret and maybe even anger over that later?” Kat could feel tears coming back again, threating to fall against her will.

  “Or what about me?” she asked, her voice breaking a little towards the end. “Never knowing my dad and watching my mother suffer to raise us and then watching her die so young. Being a caretaker to my entire family while also working to provide for them. And then watching my last and final guardian die so suddenly. Don’t you think I’m a little broken inside as well?”

  Jason looked at her then. His expression a mixture of pain and surprise and longing and sympathy, with no emotion winning over the other.

  “Jason, we’re all leaving this world damaged,” she said. “But we can ease our pain a little if we can be near those that we love.”

  A silence filled with anger and tension and love and tears fell between them.

  Jason gave a jerky shake of his head. “I don’t diminish yours, or Malcolm’s, or Dillon’s pain,” he finally said, his voice stiff and tight as if he was forcing himself to say the words. “But regardless, none of you will ever lash out against someone with a knife or your fists because of your pain. None of you will have the capability of unknowingly killing someone because of your hurt.”

  He grimaced as he looked down. He seemed disgusted with himself. “But I do.”

  Kat wanted to throw the cups of coffee onto the clean hospital floor. “But you can’t make up your mind for me,” she argued. “I am an adult and I make my own choices. I love you and I want to be with you.” A flush suffused her cheeks. It was the first time either of them had uttered those fateful words. “It’s my heart, my life, and I get to choose.”

  An expression of stunned silence crossed Jason’s face at her admission of love. Neither of them had said the words to each other, at least not out loud.

  She could see his shoulders shake with his crumbling resolve. For a moment, she was sure she had won. She had gotten him to see reason.

  But then Jason closed his eyes and pressed his lips. “I won’t leave for Kansas any time soon. I still have time to be here for Dillon. And you.”

  Tears finally fell. “Then why did you come back to Peytonville, Jason?” she demanded. “If you think yourself so damn dangerous, why did you come back!”

  Jason’s eyes spoke of his own heartbreak and his own pain in that moment but Kat was too angry and frustrated to give him any slack. “Why did you come?” she demanded.

  “Two years ago,” he said in a tight voice that was clearly filled with suppressed emotions, “you gave me something very precious. You gave me kindness, you gave me your heart when I was about t
o go to a place that would be very cold and very dark. It was something I carried with me for a long time.”

  He cleared his throat. “I wanted to show you how much it meant to me. I wanted to….” He shook his head as if trying to find the right words but falling just short of them. “I wanted to thank you.”

  “So it was about evening the score then,” Kat said quietly.

  “No!” Jason protested. “It wasn’t anything like that.”

  Kat closed her eyes, willing her tears to stop. When she opened her eyes, she looked at Jason with the heart of someone who could no longer hear the words spoken to her. She saw pain flicker across his green eyes at her expression but she could hardly feel it anymore.