November 9

by Colleen Hoover

  When Ben releases me from the hug, he smiles down at the little boy. "Fallon, I'd like you to meet my nephew, Oliver." He picks up Oliver's tiny wrist and waves it at me. "Oliver, this is Fallon."

  I lift my hand and Oliver immediately reaches his arms out to me. Shocked, I let him come to me, pulling him against me the same way Ben was holding him. It's been a long time since I've held a baby, but I'd much rather Ben's nephew want me to hold him than cry if I tried.

  "He likes the pretty ladies," Ben says with a wink, releasing him once I have hold of him. "Let me grab a high chair."

  Ben walks away, so I take a seat with Oliver, setting him on the table in front of me. "Aren't you a cutie," I say to him. And he is. He seems like a very happy baby and that makes me happy for Jordyn. But still, sadness seeps in when I think about Kyle never being able to meet his son. I push the thought out of my head when Ben returns with a high chair.

  He pushes it against the edge of the booth and then secures Oliver in it. I didn't even notice the diaper bag Ben had over his shoulder until he removes it to take a seat. He fishes through the bag until he finds a container of snacks, and then he sets some Cheerios out on the table in front of Oliver, but not before wiping it down first. The whole time, he talks to Oliver in a respectful, peer type of way. He doesn't indulge in baby talk, and I'd be lying if I said it isn't adorable seeing him interact with an infant like they're on the same level.

  Ben really has this baby thing down. It's impressive. And . . . kind of sexy.

  "How old is he now?"

  "Ten months," Ben says. "He was born New Year's Day. A few weeks early, but he was fine."

  "So the whole world celebrates his birthday with fireworks, just like they do yours?"

  Ben grins. "You know, I never even thought about that." Oliver plays with the Cheerios in front of him, completely content with not being the center of attention. Which is a relief, because maybe Ben and I will be able to have a serious conversation despite being in the company of his nephew.

  Ben reaches his hand across the table and squeezes mine, and my chest heats up from the small gesture. "It's really good to see you, Fallon," he says, brushing his thumb over mine. "Really good."

  The sincerity in his eyes makes me want to lunge across this table and kiss him right here. He doesn't hate me. He isn't mad at me. I feel like I just took my first breath of pure air in a year.

  I flip my hand over to hold his, but as soon as I do, he pulls away to push Oliver's snacks closer to him. "I'm sorry I had to bring him. Jordyn had to work today and the sitter canceled last minute."

  "It's fine," I tell him. And honestly, it is. I love watching him interact with Oliver. It adds another layer to him that I haven't witnessed before. "How is Jordyn?"

  "Good," Ben says, nodding like he's trying to convince himself of this, too. "Really good. She's such a great mom. Kyle would be proud." He says the last sentence quieter than the rest. "What about you? How's New York?"

  I don't know how to answer that. I don't feel now is the right time to bring it up, so I avoid the question. "This is always so weird," I say. "Seeing you for the first time in a year. I never know what to say or do." I'm lying. It's never been weird before, but thanks to last year, it feels very awkward today.

  He reaches across the table and places his hand over my wrist, giving it a light squeeze. "I'm nervous, too," he says reassuringly. His eyes drop to our hands, and then he pulls his back and clears his throat. It's cute how he's trying to be respectful in front of Oliver. "Have you ordered yet?" He picks up the menu and stares at it silently for a moment, but I can tell he isn't reading it.

  He's more nervous than he should be, but we did leave things off in an awkward place last year. I worry that it isn't nerves plaguing him, but maybe a little bit of bitterness. I know I hurt him last year, but surely he's had time to understand why I did what I did. And hopefully he knows that walking away from him when he was in so much pain was probably harder on me than it was on him. I've spent the entire last year with a heavy heart because it's constantly on my mind.

  We both order something to eat and he makes sure to add a side of mashed potatoes for Oliver, which I find adorable. I try to alleviate our nerves with small talk. I tell him about how I decided my new goal in life is to open a talent studio. He smiled and said I was no longer, "Fallon the Transient." I asked him what my new name was and he looked at me thoughtfully and said, "Fallon the Teacher." And I loved the sound of that.

  He said he graduated college this past May and it made me sad that I wasn't there for that, but I know there will be plenty of milestones in the future. I'll go to his graduation ceremony when he gets his advanced degree, because he says that's what he's working toward now. He got a job doing freelance for an online magazine and decided to further his career with a master's in technical writing.

  During a lull in our conversation, Ben spoons a bite of mashed potatoes into Oliver's mouth. The baby rubs his eyes and looks as though he's about to nod off right into his bowl.

  "Can he say any words yet?"

  Ben smiles down at Oliver, brushing a hand over his tiny head. "A couple. I'm pretty sure he says them by accident, though. He mostly talks gibberish." Ben laughs and then says, "He did say his first curse word, though. We keep his baby monitor on at night and last week, clear as day, he said the word shit. Little guy is starting early," he says, pinching Oliver playfully on his cheek. Oliver smiles up at him, and when he does, everything hits me at once.

  Ben treats Oliver like a father would treat a son.

  Oliver looks at Ben like he's his dad.

  Ben referred to himself and Jordyn as a "we."

  And they keep Oliver's baby monitor on at night . . . which means . . . they share a bedroom?

  I suck in a breath the moment I feel my entire world turn on its axis. I grip the table when the clarity hits.

  I feel like such an idiot.

  Ben notices the change in my demeanor immediately, and when my eyes lock with his, he begins to slowly shake his head, realizing his slip up. "Fallon," he says quietly. But he adds no additional words to follow up my name. It's clear that I know, and he does nothing to dismiss my assumption. He's drowning in an apologetic look.

  Instant jealousy.

  Building, raging, insane jealousy. I'm forced to get up from my seat and rush to the bathroom, because I refuse to let him see how much this completely destroyed me in a matter of seconds. He calls after me, but I don't pause. I'm thankful he brought Oliver with him, because now he can't run after me.

  I rush straight to the sink and I grip the edges of it, staring at myself in the mirror.

  Calm down, Fallon. Don't cry. Save the heartbreak for when you get home.

  I'm not prepared for this. I have no idea how to deal with this. It feels like my heart is literally breaking. Cracking right down the middle, bleeding out into my chest, filling my lungs with blood, making it impossible to breathe.

  Holding the tears back proves even more difficult when the door to the bathroom opens and shuts. I look up to see Ben standing there, holding Oliver, looking at me with a deep layer of regret.

  I close my eyes so I don't have to see his reflection in the mirror. I drop my head between my shoulders and I just start crying.

  Ben

  This isn't how I meant for her to find out. I was going to tell her, and soon, but I wanted to ease into it. Not that I expected her to be heartbroken over the fact that I'm dating Jordyn. In fact, I thought the chances of her being happy for me were greater than the chances of her being upset by it. I never expected this reaction from her. Why is she acting like she cares this much when she made it clear last year that she wasn't interested in anything more than the arrangement we made?

  But it's obvious by the way she's reacting that she does care. That she did care. But for whatever reason, she refused to be with me when I needed her the most.

  I try to hold it together, considering I'm holding Oliver, but every part of me wants to d
rop to my knees and scream.

  I take a few hesitant steps forward until I'm right behind her. I gently grip her elbow with my hand, wanting to turn her around, but she brushes my hand away and walks to the other side of the restroom. She grabs a paper towel and wipes at her eyes, her back still to me.

  "I didn't mean for it to happen." The words fall out of my mouth, as if they'll somehow comfort her. I want to take them back immediately. It doesn't matter that Fallon left such a big hole in my heart, I couldn't help it if someone else found their way in. It doesn't matter that Jordyn and I were both destroyed after the death of Kyle. It doesn't matter that things didn't progress between us until well after Oliver was born. It doesn't matter that I'll never feel the same connection with Jordyn that I had with Fallon, but Oliver makes up for anything our relationship lacks.

  The only thing that matters to Fallon is the unexpected twist in our story. One neither of us saw coming. One neither of us even wanted. And one she's partly responsible for. I have to remember that. As much as she's hurting right now, she hurt me just as much--if not worse--when she chose New York over me.

  I look down at Oliver and his head is resting against my chest--his eyes closed. It's well past time for his morning nap, so I readjust him so that he's lying in my arms. Every time I look at him, there's a swelling in my heart. One that's so different from any feeling Fallon or Jordyn could ever create. And I have to remind myself of that. It's not about either of them. It's about this little guy in my arms and what's best for him. He's the only thing that should matter, and I've been telling myself that for months. I thought that little reminder would be all it took to get me through this moment with Fallon, but now I'm not so sure.

  Fallon takes a deep breath and releases it before turning around. When she locks eyes with mine, it's evident how much of her I just destroyed. My knee-jerk reaction is to make it better, to tell her how I really feel. How--since the moment I kissed Jordyn for the first time--I've been nothing but a confused mess.

  Actually, I've been a confused mess since the second Fallon pulled away in that cab last year.

  "Are you in love with her?" She immediately covers her mouth with her hand, shaking her head in regret for asking the question. "Please don't answer that." She walks toward me and drops her eyes to the floor. "I need to leave," she says as she passes me.

  I back up until I'm pressed against the door, holding it shut. "Not like this. Please, don't leave yet. Give me a chance to explain."

  I can't let her leave without her understanding the whole situation. But even more so, I'm hoping she'll explain what the hell happened last year and why she's acting like this news is actually affecting her like it is.

  "Explain what?" she says quietly. "Do you want me to stand here and listen to you explain how you didn't mean to fall in love with your dead brother's wife? Do you expect me to argue with you when you tell me it isn't just about what you want anymore, but about what's better for your nephew? Do you expect me to apologize for lying to you last year when I said I didn't want to love you?"

  Each word of the last sentence to leave her mouth is like weights bearing down on me, sinking me to the bottom of a lake. She lied to me?

  "I get it, Ben. It's my fault. I'm the one who walked away last year when you tried to love me."

  She tries to reach around me for the door handle, but I move to block her. I pull her to my side, wrapping my free hand around the back of her head and pressing her face to my shoulder. I press my lips against the side of her head, trying not to be affected by the way she feels in my arms. She grips my shirt and I feel her begin to cry again. I want to pull her closer, hold her tighter in my arms, but Oliver prevents me from doing that in more ways than one.

  I want to say something that will comfort her, but at the same time I'm so pissed at her. At how carelessly she threw around my heart last year when I handed it to her. And how she's doing it again now that it's too late.

  It's too late.

  Oliver begins to squirm in my arms, so I'm forced to release her so that he doesn't wake up. She uses the opportunity to slip around me and out the bathroom door.

  I follow her out of the bathroom and watch as she grabs her purse from our booth and heads straight for the door. I head to the booth and grab the diaper bag. Our food is still sitting on the table, but I think it's safe to say we won't be eating it. I drop cash on the table and head outside.

  She's next to a car, fumbling around in her purse. By the time she retrieves her keys, I'm standing next to her. I yank the keys out of her hands and walk toward my car, which is parked right next to hers.

  "Ben!" she yells. "Give me my keys!"

  I unlock my car and crank it. I roll down the windows and then move to the backseat and strap Oliver in his car seat. When I'm positive he's still asleep, I walk back to her car.

  "You can't leave hating me," I say, putting the keys back in her hand. "Not after everything we've been--"

  "I don't hate you, Ben," she interjects. Her voice is offended and there are still tears streaming down her cheeks. "This was part of the deal, wasn't it?" She wipes at her eyes, almost angrily, and then she continues. "We live our lives. We date other people. We fall in love with our dead brother's wives. And in the end, we see what happens. Well, we've reached the end, Ben. A little early, but it's definitely the end."

  I look past her, too ashamed to make eye contact with her. "We still have two more years, Fallon. We don't have to end it today."

  She shakes her head. "I know I promised, but . . . I can't. There's no way in hell I'm putting myself through this again. You have no idea what this feels like," she says, holding her hand to her chest.

  "Actually, Fallon. I know exactly what it feels like."

  I peg her with my stare, wanting her to see that I'm not taking all the blame for this. If she wouldn't have walked away last year and completely devastated me, I wouldn't have spent the majority of the year resenting her. I would have never put myself in a position with anyone--much less Jordyn--to risk what I could have had with Fallon. But I thought Fallon only felt a fraction of what I felt for her.

  She has no idea how heartbroken she left me. She has no idea that Jordyn was there for me when she wasn't. I was there for Jordyn when Kyle wasn't. And after losing two people we both loved, only later to be united with Oliver . . . it wasn't something we planned. I'm not even sure I wanted it. But it happened, and now I'm the only father Oliver knows. And why does it all feel so wrong now? Why does it feel like I somehow fucked up my life even more?

  Fallon pushes around me to try and open the door to her car. And that's when it feels like I've been punched in the gut.

  I can't breathe.

  I don't know why it took me this long to notice. I grab her hand and squeeze it before she opens the door. The quiet plea forces her to pause and look up at me.

  I look at her car for a beat and then back at her. "Why did you drive here today?"

  Confusion clouds her expression. She shakes her head, "That was our agreement. It's November 9th."

  I squeeze her hand even harder. "Exactly. You usually come straight from the airport when we meet. Why are you in a car and not a cab?"

  She stares up at me, defeat consuming her eyes. She expels a quick breath and looks at the ground. "I moved back," she says with a shrug. "Surprise."

  Her words impale my chest, and I wince. "When?"

  "Last month."

  I lean against her car and bury my face in the palms of my hands, trying to keep it together. I came here today, hoping for clarity. Hoping that seeing Fallon would stop the war that's been raging inside of me since things started up with Jordyn.

  And clarity is exactly what I'm getting. Since the second I walked into the restaurant and laid eyes on her, that feeling was back in my chest. The one I've never felt with any other girl. The feeling that makes me so terrified, I think my heart is about to burst right out of me.

  I've never had that feeling with anyone but Fallon, but I sti
ll don't know if that's enough to make a difference. Because Fallon was right when she said it isn't about what I want. It's about what's better for Oliver. But even that doesn't seem like sound logic when I'm standing right in front of the only girl who has ever made me feel this way.

  Now that Oliver is sound asleep in the car next to us and no longer in my arms, I pull Fallon to me. I wrap my arms around her desperately, needing to feel her against me. I close my eyes and try to think of words that will fix this, but the only words that come are all the things I shouldn't say. "How did we let this happen?"

  I know as soon as the words leave my mouth that I'm being unfair to Jordyn. But Jordyn is also being unfair to me, because she'll never love me like she loved Kyle. And she has to know that I'll never feel about her the way I feel for Fallon.

  Fallon tries to pull away, but I hold her tight. "Wait. Please just answer one question."

  She relents and stays wrapped in my arms.

  "Did you move back to L.A. for me? For us?"

  As soon as I ask the question, I can feel her deflate. I can feel my heart tumbling down the walls of my chest. Her lack of denial forces me to squeeze her tighter. "Fallon," I whisper. "God, Fallon." I lift her chin and force her to look up at me. "Do you love me?"

  Her eyes grow wide with fear, as if she has no clue what the answer to that question is. Or maybe the question scares her because she knows exactly how she feels about me, but she wishes she didn't feel that way. I ask her again. I plead with her this time. "Please. I can't make this decision until I know that I'm not alone in how I feel about you."

  She looks me pointedly in the eyes with an adamant shake of her head. "I'm not about to compete with a woman who is raising a child on her own, Ben. I won't be the one who took you from her when she's already been through too much. So don't worry, you don't have to make any decisions. I just made it for you."

  She tries to push past me, but I grab her face and try to plead with her. I can see the resolve in her eyes before I even speak. "Please," I whisper. "Not again. We can't make it through this if you walk away again."

  She looks up at me, vexed. "You didn't give me a choice this time, Ben. You showed up in love with someone else. You share another woman's bed. Your hands touch someone who isn't me. Your lips make promises against skin that isn't mine. And no matter who is at fault for that, whether it's mine for walking away last year or yours for not knowing I did it for your own good, none of it changes things. It is what it is." She slips from my grasp and opens her car door, looking up at me through damp lashes. "They're lucky to have you. You're a really great father to him, Ben." She gets in her car, completely unaware that she's about to pull away with my heart. I stand here, frozen, unable to stop her. Unable to speak. Unable to plead. Because I know there's nothing I could say that would change things. Not today, anyway. Not until I make things right in all the other areas of my life.