North Country Family

by Lois Richer

  Cassie’s face registered many emotions as she processed what Rick had just told her, but all she said was “Tell me.”

  Rick took a deep breath, air rushing into his lungs for what felt like the first time in months. “You know I grew up on the streets,” he began. “I was alone. Until I met your dad.”

  “You told me about that.”

  “John helped me graduate from high school, and he helped me get a scholarship to go to college where I majored in finance. I became a stockbroker. I was good at it. I took risks and they paid off. Hugely.” The irony of it all washed over him once again. “I had money enough for two lifetimes. I should have been satisfied, but taking risks became a game to me—how far could I go? The more risks I took, the wealthier my clients got and the more I needed to risk to get the high I craved. I was the golden boy of brokers.” He paused a moment, remembering those heady days with chagrin.

  “What did you do to my father?” Cassie’s voice snapped him back to the present.

  He stared at her, his soul dark with guilt. “One of my clients was a publisher. I made him very wealthy with some high-risk investments. That gave him the idea to publish a series on high-risk, high-return investing for do-it-yourself investors. He asked me to write one book in a series he was publishing. My topic was risk-taking in the market.” Rick ran a hand through his hair as he tried to figure out how to continue.

  “Okay.” She stared at him in confusion.

  “It was a game to me, Cassie, a way to show off. I included every risky maneuver I’d ever tried in it and some new ones I was trying on my clients just so I could write about them. My name wasn’t on the cover, so I thought, where’s the risk?” He shook his head.

  Cassie sat silent, her eyes widening with every word.

  “I used your father’s money for the riskiest move I ever made because I wanted to repay him for everything he’d done for me. His account built like crazy and I figured my approach was paying off. I put it in the book and it sold like crazy.”

  Cassie’s face said everything he knew she was thinking. If he was so wealthy, what was he doing here in Churchill, living in a dinky house, having to sell his guitar to raise funds for Michael’s saxophone?

  “I’m sorry but I don’t see—”

  “I thought I was invincible and I took one gamble too many,” he said, hating the words even as he said them. Guilt crushed him over the pain he’d caused with his arrogance. “I lost everything I owned and everything my clients had entrusted to me. I had a fiancée at the time—I lost her family’s benevolent fund.” Rick swallowed. “And I lost the money your father had spent a lifetime saving.”

  He waited as moments passed and his words sank in. Horror filled Cassie’s face.

  “That’s why he wouldn’t help me,” she said, understanding dawning.

  “Yes. Because he couldn’t. Because of me. Because of my greed.” Rick felt sick at the words. But he plowed on, desperate to confess everything. “Overnight I went from top of the heap to the bottom. I became the investment guru brought down by his own folly. I was a laughingstock. My friends didn’t know me anymore. The woman I loved left me.”

  “I’m sorry, Rick.” Cassie’s brown eyes shone with tears.

  “Don’t be sorry for me, Cassie,” he ordered, angered by her tender response. “I got exactly what I deserved. I was showing off, showing them all that a kid from the street could beat the rich folks at their own game.” Oh, Lord, forgive me for my pride. “I used other people’s life savings to get approval and acceptance. I cost families their homes, their futures. For God’s sake, don’t feel sorry for me.”

  The sadness on Cassie’s face—the tenderness—remained. It was almost more than Rick could bear.

  “The worst thing is, I deserved to lose everything, but they didn’t. Your father didn’t. They all trusted me and I abused that trust.”

  “You don’t have to tell me this, Rick. It’s none of my business,” Cassie whispered.

  “Yes, it is! You’re one of the people I hurt with my greed. My actions caused irreparable damage in your life and for that I am profoundly sorry.” Rick swallowed.

  “What did my father do?” Cassie asked gently.

  “I’d decided to end my life when your dad found me. He should have hated me for what I’d done to him.” The wonder of it was as profound now as it had been when it first happened. “Instead, your father helped me sober up. Then he told me that even though I’d made such a colossal mess of my life, God still had plans for me, good plans. I stayed with him and he helped me get straightened out. Every day he taught me about God. And when I decided I wanted to commit my life to Him, your father helped me get into seminary.”

  “I’m glad he was there for you,” she said simply. There was no regret in her voice, no blame.

  There should have been.

  “The day I was ordained, I made a promise to God.” Rick summoned his courage—this was the last thing he had to confess to the beautiful woman standing in front of him, her gorgeous face radiating compassion he didn’t deserve.

  “Say it, Rick,” she whispered.

  “I knew I could never make up for the lives I’d ruined. So I made a vow to give up my dreams and goals and dedicate my entire life to His cause.” He lifted his head and looked directly into Cassie’s eyes. “That’s why I’ve gotten so involved at Lives. Your dad helped me understand that my showboating, my high-living, my risk-taking was all a plea for someone to love me, to see past the kid who’d lived in the gutter and accept me as worthy of love. I was trying to fill a hole in my heart that no one but God could fill.”

  She nodded as if she understood.

  “That’s why I work with the boys at Lives,” he said quietly. “I want them to know that no matter how bad it was, no matter what they did, they are loved, that I am there for them always.”

  “The boys know that,” she said gently, her eyes shining.

  “I hope so.” He struggled to resist the urge to reach for her, to pull her into his arms. He would never have the right to do that again. “I’m very touched that you care for me, Cassie. But you can’t waste your love on me. I promised God I’d atone for my guilt by giving up the one thing I’ve always longed for—a family of my own, someone to love. Someone who loves me.”

  Cassie was silent for a very long time, studying him. He held her gaze, forcing himself to stand up to her scrutiny. “You’re saying that you’re trying to make up for your mistakes by never letting yourself love, is that it?”

  In the depths of her brown eyes, Rick could suddenly see unfathomable pain. “So instead of filling that empty spot in your soul with money, now you’re going to fill it with duty.”

  “If you want to put it that way.”

  “Tell me something, Rick. Do you love me?”

  The words crashed over him like a tidal wave. Every fiber of his being wanted to tell her yes. “It doesn’t matter,” he said.

  “It does to me. Answer the question.”

  He knew that he owed her the truth, as painful as it was to admit. “Yes, Cassie, I do.” He watched as her eyes filled with tears. “But nothing can come of it. I’m in debt to God,” Rick said somberly.

  “A debt of love, which you are trying to repay with sacrifice,” she murmured.

  “Cassie, I don’t deserve to love and be loved. Keeping my vow is the only way I know to atone for what I’ve done.” He raked a hand through his hair, wishing he could make her understand.

  She simply looked at him.

  “I wish I could erase it all. I wish I could be the man you need, the man you think you love. But even if I could, what I’ve done would always stand between us.” Rick desperately craved the sound of her voice, her touch on his hand, something. But she remained still and silent. “I have to keep my vow. That’s why there can never be anything between us. I’m sorry, Cassie.”

  “So am I, Rick.” With one last look at him, Cassie silently turned and disappeared inside Lives.

  R
ick stood there a moment, stunned by the overwhelming waves of loss that swamped him. He ached to hold this woman he’d come to love. He hadn’t meant to love her, but it had happened because he’d lost sight of his promise. Once again he’d failed God.

  In that moment, Rick knew the time had come to leave Churchill.

  His spirit felt lost, cast adrift, decimated at the thought of never again seeing Cassie and Noah.

  Lord? Where are you? Help me, please. No response. Had God abandoned him because he’d forgotten his vow?

  After Easter, after the kids had presented their cantata, he’d leave this place he’d come to love, this place that seemed like home.

  And once he was away from here, maybe Rick could find a way to end this desperate need to have Cassie in his arms, in his heart, in his life.

  *

  Cassie entered Lives feeling as if she’d been knocked to the ground not once but twice. First Noah’s demoralizing tirade had rocked her world. Then Rick’s bombshell explanation that his love for her could never be realized had doused the joy she’d reveled in earlier. Life had seemed full of possibilities this morning—now it seemed empty.

  Noah stood waiting in the hall.

  “My room,” she said to him quietly. “You and I are going to talk.”

  Noah shot her a dark look, but did as she asked. Cassie closed the door, suddenly overwhelmed. Tears that could not be suppressed rose in a great tide of sadness and she let them fall, unable to stem her sobs. “Mom?” Noah gazed at her uncertainly. “D-don’t cry, Mom.”

  The tears kept flowing. “All I wanted when I decided to move us here was for you to be happy. But you’re not. I’ve done everything wrong.”

  “No, y-you haven’t,” he said.

  “Then how do you explain the fact that you’ve been hurting other people intentionally, Noah?” she demanded, dashing away the tears from her cheeks. “The worst thing is, you hurt them to make yourself feel better. Do you realize you could be sent to jail, just like the boys at Lives have?”

  “It’s m-my fault.” Noah closed his eyes. “I kn-know it d-doesn’t h-help now, b-but I’m r-really sorry, Mom.”

  “Why are you sorry?” she demanded, afraid to believe in him.

  “I d-didn’t realize what I was doing t-to you and to R-Rick.” Shame suffused his face and he looked down at the floor. “I n-never meant t-to hurt him. I n-never realized—” He choked up. Several moments passed before he could speak again. “H-He’s always been g-good to me. I d-didn’t think—”

  “That’s the thing, isn’t it?” Cassie said. “You didn’t think how your actions would affect Rick or anyone else, including me.”

  “Y-You?” He frowned.

  “Think about it. What happens if you get into trouble? Do you think the government will want the mother of a kid with a criminal record working with troubled kids?”

  Shock covered his face. “I d-didn’t—”

  “Think that far ahead? Everything we do in this life has ramifications, Noah. You throw a stone and the ripples spread out far and wide.” She closed her eyes. “I thought you were mature enough to realize that, especially after what happened when your father died. I guess I was wrong.”

  Noah sat down on the side of the bed as if a heavy responsibility weighed him down. “I’m s-so sorry,” he whispered. “I was angry b-because you didn’t treat me like the m-man of the family, but I d-don’t deserve that. I was s-stupid.”

  “Nobody gets everything they want in life,” Cassie said, the sourness she felt inside tingeing her voice. “We all have to deal with hard things.”

  “L-like you l-loving Rick?” he asked very quietly.

  “What do you know about that?” she asked him, startled.

  “I can see it wh-when you look at him,” Noah said in a soft tone. “And when he l-looks at you.”

  “Well, you don’t have to worry about it now, Noah,” she said, pressing down the surge of sadness as she accepted the truth. “Nothing’s going to change.”

  “Because Rick m-made a vow,” Noah said with a nod. “He t-told me about it. He s-said he has to pay for his p-past. I think th-that’s wrong.”

  “Wrong?” Cassie frowned at him. “What do you mean?”

  “Rick’s always t-talking about f-forgiveness, how God forgives our s-sins and remembers them n-no more. He s-said that’s what Easter’s all a-about.” He shrugged. “If G-God doesn’t r-remember them, why would He w-want Rick to pay for them?”

  Cassie stared at him, stung by the wisdom in the words that had come out of her young son’s mouth. A smile took over her face and she tentatively put an arm around him. For the first time in a long time, he didn’t flinch away.

  “That is an excellent question, Noah.”

  A question Pastor Rick should have to answer.

  *

  His last days in Churchill slipped away from Rick like a skate blade across the glinting ice of Hudson Bay. Though it was late March, he found the still-wintry days dreary as he never had before.

  He’d replayed his last conversation with Cassie a hundred times, but no matter how he wished otherwise, he’d had no choice. He’d had to push her away, even though it had cost him dearly. What puzzled him was that Cassie seemed to hold no grudge. She’d never said anything about that day when she came to the church on Sundays with Noah, or to choir practice.

  Rick hadn’t asked her to continue playing for them. She’d simply appeared and waited for his cue. It seemed to him that the kids were suddenly hitting each note exactly as he’d hoped, that they raised their voices in praise and worship as if they now fully grasped the meaning of Easter. For that he was grateful.

  But rehearsal was bittersweet torture to Rick as he counted down each precious moment he had left with Cassie. He repeatedly reminded himself that God had brought him here, but that didn’t mean God had brought him to Churchill to be with Cassie. It puzzled Rick that God would intentionally put him on this course when He knew Rick would fall for her. But at the same time, the joy he found in seeing her beautiful smile, in hearing her encourage the kids, in sharing a glance that said she still cared for him—that left him breathless.

  He wouldn’t have traded those moments for the world.

  And yet always, always, he faced the knowledge that he must leave here, leave her. Cassie’s life would go on. She’d find someone else to love, to share her future with. She was too special for some other guy not to notice her. He wanted that for her.

  But he would be alone. It was the way it had to be.

  *

  “Are you g-going to see Rick?” Noah asked, staring at Kyle.

  “Yeah. He seems down lately.” Kyle gave him a grin and grabbed the door.

  “Wait. I need to t-tell you something.” Noah summoned his courage. He had to fix things. “Rick l-loves my mom, you know.”

  “I kind of guessed.” Kyle frowned. ‘How does your mom feel?”

  “She loves h-him, too, but Rick did something that hurt my g-grandpa.” Noah felt his face get hot, but he didn’t stop. “I know I shouldn’t have d-done it, but I was listening at his d-door and I heard him m-make a reservation on the t-train. I’m pretty sure h-he thinks the only way to make it better is to leave. I don’t want him to d-do that. Nobody d-does.” He peered at Kyle through the falling snow. “Can y-you do s-something?”

  “I don’t know. But I’m going to try.” Kyle slapped him on the shoulder. “Thanks for telling me.”

  “I w-want my m-mom to be happy. She w-won’t be if Rick g-goes away.”

  “Got it.” Kyle went inside.

  “What were you saying to Kyle?” his mom asked as he climbed into her car.

  “Just man t-talk.” Noah spent the ride home praying.

  *

  “Rick?” Kyle stood in the now-empty sanctuary, peering at him with a puzzled look. “What are you doing?”

  “Where is everyone?” Rick glanced around, realizing that while he’d been daydreaming, everyone had left.

 
“Gone home for dinner. Wanna share a pizza? Sara’s at a baby shower.” Kyle waited, his frown growing when Rick just stared at him. “You okay?”

  The yearning to see Cassie, to hold her and tell her that he’d never love anyone as he loved her—all of it screamed at him to forsake his vow. He could feel the temptation to relinquish his faith, to abandon it and let himself revel in the love he felt for her.

  “Thinking about Cassie?” Kyle asked in a knowing tone.

  “You know?” Relief filled him. Rick poured out the whole ugly story. “I don’t see a way out of this, buddy. I think I have to leave this place.”

  “Not so fast. I think we need to pray about that decision. How about if I lead off?” Kyle offered.

  “I’d like that.” He knelt with his friend and recommitted his life to God

  Then Kyle insisted it was time to eat.

  Rick went with him, but he wasn’t hungry. All he could think about was the question that kept rattling through his brain. If loving Cassie was wrong, why didn’t God take his feelings away?

  Chapter Fourteen

  On Good Friday Cassie went to church.

  Rick had invited missionaries from Burma to speak in the morning. After sharing a lunch of soup and sandwiches to commemorate the Last Supper, he led them in a solemn foot-washing ceremony.

  Cassie’s heart swelled with pride for this man of God. She watched him humbly wash the feet of old and young alike, drawing their focus to the meaningful action Jesus had done, knowing he was to die. With tenderness and quiet respect Rick moved through the small group, his eyes glowing as he ministered. When he came to her, Cassie felt a jolt of response to his touch but Rick seemed unaffected as he poured warm water over her feet into the basin.

  “‘My protection and success come from God alone,’” he murmured as he dried her feet on a towel. “‘He is my refuge, a Rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust him all the time. Pour out your longings before him for he can help.’”

  His head lifted as he finished speaking and for one timeless moment their eyes met. Cassie saw a tender, gentle love in his gaze. How she ached to respond, to reach out and embrace him, willing him to forget everything but caring for her.