Paris Hemsworth's Road to Wonderland (Road to Wonderland Series Book 2)

by Marlow, Francesca

  Tomorrow, I will have been clean for 365 days. To celebrate my achievement, Izzy and I are out shopping for new clothes. She’s fed up of me borrowing all her things, and I think it’s about time I started to find my style again. Once upon a time, I took pride in my appearance and it would be nice for me to find that person again. I’ve started to build up a new collection of sparkly heels and handbags, but it’s only small due to the fact I don’t have a job and have to rely mainly on Izzy. She gives ungrudgingly and at times, I have to say no because I don’t want to take the piss. The only thing I have from before I left is my bike. Izzy hasn't told me exactly how she got it back and I still to this day can't figure out how or at what cost she did. All I know is that I feel guilty for not taking it out yet. It's another fear that lives deep inside me. I'm terrified that when I sit back on that seat, I will think of Daggs over my father, and that would be something I'd never be able to recover from. It’s another fear to be tackled but not just yet.

  As it stands, I’m living my life one day at a time.

  So, as with every shopping trip I take with Izzy, she has to make a little pit stop by the book store. I can’t begrudge her though. The girl loves books almost as much as she loves Rocky Balboa, and that’s saying something. While she browses inside, I hang around outside, making time for a cheeky smoke. It’s a habit I still haven’t managed to shake, but it’s certainly not as bad as the old one I’m conquering day by day. While I stand blowing smoke aimlessly into the air and watching the people around me walk on by in their own bubbles of thought, a particular face catches my attention out of the corner of my eye.

  No way.

  I take a couple of steps further down the arcade to see if my eyes are deceiving me or if it is who I think it is. The closer I creep forward, the more certain I am.

  Without thinking, my feet have carried me all the way over until I’m right up behind him. I reach out and tap the man in question on his shoulder. “Ethan?”

  He swivels around on his smart, black shoes to get a better look at the person poking him, pausing slowly. “Paris?”

  “It’s me.” I chuckle, bouncing my shoulders once.

  “I can’t believe it’s you.” He stands back. “You look so different. You look good.” He says, at which point he pulls me in for a hug, catching me a little off guard.

  “Thank you.” I blush before pulling away. “A year clean tomorrow.”

  “Well done. I always knew you could do it.”

  I tilt my head and scratch at my neck in embarrassment. It’s a life changing achievement, but to say it out loud to people is still quite a strange thing to do. With Ethan, it’s not as bad because he has been there.

  “I had the help of a great friend.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah,” I repeat, nodding once and smiling.

  “Would that be the same friend who rang me to quit your job for you?” he questions with a funny little smirk on his face.

  “It would be, yes.” I turn to face in the direction of the shop. “She’s over there, somewhere, looking at books. It’s her…” I twist back around and make air quotes with my fingers. “…Thing.”

  I watch him as he slyly sways from side to side, peering over my shoulder to try and get a better look. I almost wonder if I catch a glimpse of something other than politeness in those eyes of his, but I ignore it. I’m so off key with anything like that these days and I still suffer from moments of paranoia.

  “I’m just trying to remember what her name was again.”

  “I never told you her name.” I smirk and tease. “And why are you so interested, anyway?”

  “I’m not, just curious, that’s all.” He brushes me off, shoving his hands in his trouser suit pockets.

  Twisting to look over my shoulder, following his not-so-subtle gaze, I see Izzy making her way out of the store, struggling not to fall over her own two bloody feet. “Oh jeez, here she comes, like Bambi on ice. I pray to God she doesn’t fall over and make an arse of herself again.” I laugh and look back at Ethan. “Anyway, I best be getting back. She will be wondering where I am, but it was nice to see you again.” I smile.

  “Wait,” he shouts, a little louder than expected. “Here, take my business card.” I don’t have time to answer before he practically shoves it into my hand, like it’s that important I have his number, and then shrugs. “You know, just in case you… or even your friend… needs work or, I don’t know, an ear.”

  “Oh, right, my friend, huh? Okay.” I chuckle.

  “Or you.” He clarifies a little too enthusiastically and a little too late for it to sound like he isn't trying to cover his tracks.

  “Thanks. My friend and I will bear you in mind.” I give him a quick wink before pacing back up the arcade to find Mav. She’s already on her way down to meet me with that look of hers that I would recognise anywhere. Uh oh.

  “Who was that you were just talking to?” she asks.

  Flippantly wafting my hand through the air, I roll my eyes and take great pleasure in watching her squirm over the hottie that is Ethan Walker. “Bloody hell, Izzy. Did I forget to ask permission before I spoke to someone that wasn’t on your pre-approved list of acquaintances?”

  She holds a single finger up in the air and tilts her head to one side. “First of all, where did you learn the word acquaintance?”

  “Oh, bite me,” I joke and set off in search of the next shoe shop.

  *******

  To celebrate 730 days of being clean, Izzy and I are tackling one of my biggest fears together. It’s one that is long overdue, and I’m hoping having her by my side will bring the fun back to it as well as the support. God knows we deserve some after everything we have been through.

  We’ve come to the old field where the tree house used to be and where we spent many a month growing up. It seems like the perfect spot, and with each day, my confidence grows a little more, adding to my hope of making it through yet another year. My life is kind of mapped out in stages now, each with a little milestone at the end of it. The best way for me to cope is to meet these small goals. Nothing big and still one day at a time.

  “Are you sure about this?” she asks as we approach the wooden gate by the top end.

  “Yep, I’m ready and raring to go.” I bounce.

  “You’re worrying me, Goose. When you’re acting all upbeat like this it means one of two things, either you fancy a man or you bought new shoes and never told me.”

  I laugh. “It’s neither of those things, I swear. I’m just excited to be doing this.”

  “Hmm.” She narrows her eyes at me. “If it turns out to be shoes again, Goosey, I’m sticking your heels where the sun doesn’t shine.”

  “Lucky for me it’s neither of them, what with my aversion to arse play and all that.” I exaggerate a grin, pushing my chin out closer to her face. “Now, let’s get on with this. Are you going up front?”

  “Wha-?” She stops.

  “Do. You. Want. To. Drive?” I spell it out.

  “I thought this was about getting over your fear, not getting us both killed.”

  “Oh, come one. It will be just like old times when you used to slalom the damn thing around.”

  “In that case… hell yeah!” She swiftly scoots over to the gate and opens it up for me to push the bike through.

  “Wait. We don’t have two helmets.”

  “Did we as kids?” I snort.

  “Good point.” She jumps up and claps her hands together with excitement. “Okay, let’s just do it.”

  I toss her the keys and straddle the bike behind her. Maybe I am wimping out a little by letting her have the first go, but I just want us to laugh – full on belly chuckle like we used to. I want to be able to enjoy the thrill again, without becoming dependent upon it to make me happy. Spending time with Mav like this is what truly makes me happy and that’s why it’s important that she’s here.

  As Izzy starts it up, the engine roars to life and she yells out, “Saddle up, p
artner, we’re in for a bumpy ride.”

  *******

  When we arrive back home, I feel like I’m floating on cloud nine. The best decision I could have made was to take Izzy with me. Her ability to make jokes and have fun always puts a smile on my face. I won’t lie and say to be back on the bike killed the fear of riding alone, but at least I know now that there can be times when I can ride it and still enjoy it.

  As Izzy pushes through the front door and kicks her shoes off, she lets out an exhausted sigh. “Chinese tonight?”

  “Suits me. Make sure we get lots of prawn crackers this time. The dudes down there are starting to get tight on portions. Hard times or something, he mumbled.”

  “The news says we’re heading for a recession, Goose,” she calls back from down the hallway.

  Recession. It’s one of the topics I actually remember from university and that business class I should have jilted the first time I saw who my tutor was.

  “We’re alright though, aren’t we?” I ask, not missing that weird sound to her voice.

  She stops by the doorway with her hand on the frame and turns to me with a smile. “Sure we are.” I’m pretty sure there’s something more going on from the lack of twinkle in her eyes to match the smile she’s forcing, but I let it go. If we had problems, I’m sure she would say.

  “I thought I might get a job.”

  “Let’s just get the Chinese,” she hits back, diverting the topic of conversation.

  I sigh heavily and make my way towards the stairs. She avoids talking about me getting a job most of the time. I think she’s more scared of it than I am. I know she wants me to avoid any unnecessary stress, but how will I know if I can handle it unless I try? I’m jolted from my grumpy thoughts when my foot slides across something on the wooden floor. Stopping to bend over and pick it up, I slowly turn the blank envelope over in my hands.

  Then I slide the folded piece of paper out and read.

  You’ll always be mine. Just a reminder. J.

  My knees give way as I stumble, struggling to stand before I fall onto the bottom step of the stairs.

  “Goose?” Mav shouts. “Shall we go with chicken or beef tonight?”

  All I can do is stare at the letter in my hand. I feel unclean just from holding the same thing he has held. After two years of being apart and finally thinking I might be okay, he’s found me. This is his way of torturing me from afar. Let me get straight and happy then cruelly swipe it all away from under my feet again. Her voice gets closer as I don’t answer her question.

  “Goose? Chicken or beef?”

  I compose myself the best I can and stuff the letter into my pocket.

  “Erm… beef,” I croak.

  She’s now stood by my side, gazing over the banister, her voice full of concern. “You okay, Goose? You look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

  “Yeah, sure,” I lie.

  “You don’t look so sure.”

  “You know what?” I stand to jump off the step, attempting to cover up the letter. “You were right.” I fake a cringe. “I bought more shoes.”

  “I knew it. I just bloody knew it,” she snaps. “You have got to stop buying goddamn shoes.”

  I already feel guilty for not telling her the truth, but there is no way I am going to let him win again. I need to keep a steady head on the situation and prove to myself I can do this. I will no longer be a victim of Jason Dagson. I’ve come too far to let that happen, and if I tell Izzy then there is no way she will let me get a job. Although I think handling that stress may have just come in a different form of test.

  Thirty-Five

  Summer 2009

  “Hey, Paris,” Ben yells.

  “Yeah?” I shout back.

  “Table nine could use a clear down when you've done table six.”

  “Sure.” I smile weakly and mumble under my breath, “I’m on it.”

  Although, I’m not sure how true that is tonight. I used to love coming here and meeting all the different people from different walks of life, but now, all I do is stare out of the window and try my best to make sure my back is never facing it. Izzy admitted a while back that we are struggling for money and gave in about me getting a job to help pay the bills. For so long, it was nice to finally be useful. Working gave me a newfound sense of pride. It’s only a part-time waitressing job in a cafe, but it kept the mind ticking over and occupied… Until the threats started to become more frequent. The latest letter to arrive was only this afternoon.

  We will be back together soon. J.

  But it doesn’t just stop at the letters. There has been a tyre slashing and late night anonymous phone call, the ones where someone just breathes heavily down the end of the line. I’m starting to think that I’m living in my own horror movie. If I’m honest with myself, I’m not sure how much longer I can keep up with this pace of life. Having still not spoken to Izzy about the letters, I know there’s only so long left for excuses to be made before she discovers the truth. One night, I got totally wasted on the sofa and I awoke to her knelt by my side, whispering softly, “I don’t know what is causing this lately but you need to sort yourself out, Goose, or you will end up back there. Is that what you want?”

  The answer was, and still is no. I just don’t know how to make it all stop.

  The only thing that keeps me going these days is my stubbornness – a will so strong it refuses to cave to the crazy man that is Jason Dagson.

  As I lean over table six and wipe it with a cloth, my eyes wander to the black car parked outside. It appeared not long after my shift started and it’s been there ever since. I can’t quite make out the two men sat in the front as it’s too far away, but I swear they keep glaring in this direction. I’m so lost in trying to get a better look that my hand slides a little too far to the left and clumsily sends the salt pot flying onto the floor.

  “Oh shit!” I cry and bend down in an attempt to clean it up.

  In no time at all, Ben is knelt down by my side, helping me to sort out the mess. “Are you okay tonight?”

  “I’m fine.” I smile flatly as I continue to sweep up the mess with my hand.

  “You don’t seem fine,” he says as both our hands reach for the salt pot, brushing past each other.

  “Honestly, Ben.” I sigh. “I’m good. Just a little tired if anything.”

  “Fine.” He shrugs casually. “But that is the third salt pot you’ve knocked over this shift.” He begins to stand back up. “I don’t know what they did to offend you, but try to lay off them.” He winks, flashing me a smile. Ben has always been nice to me, but I think that’s just the way he is with everyone. He’s a good guy, the average Joe, so to speak, with brown hair, brown eyes and of medium height.

  I spot the car still parked up in the same position and my thoughts turn to having to go home alone tonight. Izzy is working late at her new, part-time temping job and I can’t just rely on Betty from next door to watch out for me. Her eyes might be intact, but her bloody hearing is appalling. With no other options left to me, I quickly shoot up off my feet and call after him.

  “Hey, Ben?”

  “Yeah?” he answers, turning back around.

  “Fancy a drink after work?”

  He laughs and shakes his head. “Sure. Why not? But just don’t bring the salt pots. Five’s a crowd and all that.”

  At least he has a sense of humour.

  *******

  As I look at him now while he sleeps next to me in bed, all I can think about is how he’s such a nice guy, but I feel nothing but numb. Is my heart that damaged that I will never be able to let anyone back in? My only comfort from this is that at least I didn’t have to go home. At least for tonight, I will be safe, but with that brings the old feeling of worthlessness, having to rely upon a man to stop another one from hurting me. I realise that no matter how much I try to fill the voids in my life, there’s still something missing.

  Love.

  Not the love of a friend, but the love of a man.

/>   I want all-consuming love; the kind that I see in all my favourite films and the type that makes you smile for no reason at all. I want that one person that can see into your very soul, understand everything about you and still want to be with you. I want a man who will wrap me up in his arms at night and keep me safe from my nightmares like I’m the most precious thing to him in the world.

  I roll over away from Ben and just lay still for a while. I’m not high. I’m not drunk. I’m just sad. I want so desperately for someone to find me and hold me forever, but the more these encounters happen, the less of a connection I feel with any man. The thought triggers a stray tear to fall down my cheek as the doubt creeps in and I’m left wondering if I’ll ever be able to live a life without some kind of addiction.

  *******

  When daylight shines through the window of average Ben’s bedroom, it brings with it a new day. Hiding these letters from Izzy is doing me no good. It’s time she knew the truth. As much as I want to rush home and blurt it out, I’m conscious of the man still asleep next to me in bed. Swinging my legs out carefully from under the duvet, I lightly place my feet onto the carpet and begin to tip toe around, looking for my clothes.

  “Paris,” he groans with a husky morning voice.

  “Shh. Just go back to sleep,” I whisper.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Home,” I say a little louder. “Now go back to sleep.”

  “Ugh,” he grunts, dropping his head back onto the pillow.

  He couldn’t be any more interested in me than I am in him, and that’s why I’m sad. I know one night stands aren’t going to lead to me finding that all consuming love, yet I can’t stop myself. For all of three minutes last night, I felt wanted, I felt needed, but in the cold light of day, I couldn’t feel any less wanted if I tried.

  After throwing my clothes on, I sneak a peek around the curtain to see if the black car is there, but thankfully it’s gone. The coast is clear for me to make my way home and face the music with Izzy about the letters. I know she’s going to be pissed that I didn’t tell her sooner, but maybe we can get some help together, go to the police and get them to listen to us about his stalking.