Scarlet Feather

by Maeve Binchy

  'Cathy was always a great one for the jokes when she was young,'Muttie said. 'She used to come home from school with a new one every day.'

  'You don't have many jokes nowadays, Cathy,' Simon said.

  'Oh, I'm full of them,' she said.

  'When do you tell them and laugh at them?'

  Cathy paused to think. She had laughed properly in the van when they were coming away from Mrs Frizzell's house. 'At work, at home, everywhere.'

  'Does Neil like jokes?' Maud asked.

  'He loves them. Dad, we can't tempt you… ?'

  'No, I have a lot of work ahead of me. Will see you at supper, maybe; there's still some of that great Irish stew the twins made.'

  'We made far too much, I'm afraid,' Simon said.

  'No, you can never make too much, that's what God invented freezers for…'

  'But God didn't actually…' Simon began. 'I see,' he said.

  They went to an Internet cafe and the twins sat at a machine, while Cathy drank too much coffee and planned what she would say to Neil tonight. His presence there today would have alerted those people; things might have been moved forward. He must be made to understand that. Without nagging, whingeing and being… what was that word he used about her recently? Prickly. And even though she hated doing it, she felt it only fair to tell him about James's very dire forecast. Perhaps it might make him feel more guilty about letting them down today. And of course she hadn't had time to tell him that she wouldn't go to Holly's. It would be a conversation with very few jokes in it, she realised. At that moment Simon came back from the computer.

  'We've found a really good website, Cathy, could we have another half an hour of it, or is that greedy?'

  'No, that's fine.' She gave them the money.

  'It's not too dear, is it, what with you being poor again after the robbery?'

  So far the twins didn't really understand Walter's part in it all, and she kept it from them. Their mother and father had abandoned them yet again; there was no point in taking away the only remaining member of their immediate family, the one who had stood by them that time.

  'No, we can afford another half an hour, and don't forget, you might well get a computer at Christmas. You'd never need to come to a place like this again.'

  'Imagine, having it at home.' Simon's eyes were shining.

  Cathy had arranged that Jock and Hannah give them this as a present. She would arrange for a good basic computer to be delivered to St Jarlath's Crescent. Neil had said that strictly speaking, since it was educational, the funds should come out of whatever trust there was for the twins. He might talk to Sara about it all. Cathy had sighed.

  'Let your parents do something for them, Neil, they did so damn little that they were full of guilt. This will get them off the hook.'

  He had been startled, but agreed.

  'And you don't mind sitting here?' Maud asked.

  Cathy didn't. She was in no hurry to go back to Waterview.

  There was news when they got back to St Jarlath's Crescent. Marian had been on the phone. It was early days, but she and Harry were expecting a child, wasn't it wonderful? They would have the christening in Chicago in April, and everyone must come over.

  'Do they dance at christenings?' Simon asked.

  And Cathy found herself reaching out to squeeze her mother's hand at the same time as Lizzie reached for hers. Neither of them trusted themselves to speak.

  Cathy was still putting off going home. She went to one of the new places hidden among the foodie streeIs in Temple Bar for a snack. Neil wasn't eating these days, it appeared, and there were plenty of what he called leftovers to offer him. To her great surprise she was served by Marcella. She looked very beautiful in a smart black trouser suit and a red necklace around her throat. They stared at each other in disbelief.

  'You look lovely, Marcella, but then you always did.'

  Tor all the good it did me,' Marcella said. There was a sudden awkward silence. 'Are you meeting anyone?' Marcella asked.

  'No, I was… Well, I just wanted a glass of wine and something small.'

  'We have a lovely plate of mixed tapas,' Marcella suggested.

  Cathy nodded dumbly. 'That would be fine,' she said in a choked voice.

  'And Cathy, I'm just on my break now. Would it annoy you if I sat down with you for ten minutes? I'd love that.'

  'So would I,' said Cathy insincerely. Please may Marcella not want to cry and tell the whole story about just wanting to talk to Tom all over again. But in fact it was quite different. Marcella asked about Scarlet Feather and what had happened since she left. There was a lot to tell. Cathy told her about Marian's wedding, and her own pregnancy and miscarriage; she told about the twins' disappearance, about June's husband Jimmy being housebound, about Geraldine's new chap, how Con was now working almost full-time with them and about Walter being the thief. She left some things out. Like their very poor financial future. Like Tom looking like a ghost for so long that they all worried, and just now beginning to show signs of recovery. She didn't tell either about having grown so distant from Neil that she dreaded going home to see him tonight. Which was why she was sitting here eating tapas.

  'I've been rabbiting on about myself. You can tell me or ask anything you like, Marcella, Tom and I never talk about personal things at all, it's just like an unwritten rule.'

  'Do you think there's a chance he'd have me back?' It was so naked, humble and sad.

  'I haven't an idea, Marcella, I really don't. I know one side of him so well, and nothing at all about the other.'

  'And does he have anyone in particular… ?'

  'No, no one in particular. I know he does take girls out, but I don't hear anything.'

  'Thank you, Cathy.' She looked at her watch and got up.

  'I'd better go, too.' Cathy took out her wallet.

  'On me, Cathy.'

  She knew that the wages in these places were not good, and there would be no tip. But dignity was also important. 'Thank you. It was delicious, and I'll send people here.'

  A group of people had just come in. Marcella went to greet them, tall and beautiful, with that assured smile.

  She called Neil at the town house. He wasn't home yet. She didn't want to sit there waiting. Where else could she go? It was eight o'clock on a winter's evening. It was tempting to go and sit in the premises for an hour, put on some music, sit in one of those deep sofas and close her eyes. But she might fall asleep. She would go back to Waterview. Funny how she hardly ever called it home now. Just Waterview.

  They arrived together, her van pulling in beside the Volvo.

  'There's timing,' he said, pleased. He had a lot of documenIs under his arm and a briefcase over his shoulder. He walked ahead of her and looked at the number of times the little red light flashed. 'Only three messages. Good,' he said.

  'Leave them, Neil.'

  He laughed. 'What on earth are you talking about, hon, you don't have a message machine, unless you want—'

  'Please leave them. If you listen to them, you'll have to do something about them,' she said.

  'Ah, Cathy, what is this?'

  'An attempt to talk before we are both too exhausted and have to crash into bed,' she said simply.

  T told you, I booked us into Holly's. We'll talk all weekend there.' He was moving towards the phone.

  I'm not going to Holly's with you,' she said, her voice unexpectedly loud.

  'You really are coming on very strong. You won't come on the holiday which I cleared with Tom, I told Tom how tired you were and he said they'd cover for you, I took the time off myself which was hard, cancelled a whole lot of things I now have to refix. Then you agreed to go to Holly's, now you change your mind. Honestly…'

  'I said I'd like a weekend, I didn't ask you to go ahead and book it without discussion.'

  'But you like Holly's.'

  T don't want to go there,' she said.

  'Why on earth… ?' he looked at her, bewildered.

  'The last time
you and I went there I was telling you about how we were going to have a baby. You don't think I want to go back there again, Neil?' She felt guilty as she said it. It was valid, but only half the reason. Still, she had nothing to be ashamed of, no real secret. She would have told Neil that she had fallen asleep in Tom's room, had she been given a chance.

  He looked at her, embarrassed. 'I'm afraid I didn't think of that. I'll book us somewhere else tomorrow.'

  'Or maybe we could do it after some discussion between us,' she said.

  Neil gave up thoughIs of checking the telephone. Is this what this is about? My not running everything past you before we do it? Is that it?'

  'No, it's about much, much more. It's about your not turning up today when we really needed you so badly,' she said.

  He had forgotten. It had been such a busy day for him. If they turned on the nightly current affairs programme he would be mentioned in it. How could he have thought to recall a conference with some insurance people, long agreed and then totally abandoned? 'Look, I told you at the time…' he began.

  'You weren't there, Neil.'

  'You knew how much in demand I was today after the march, for God's sake, you were there last night when the calls came in.'

  'Then you should have cancelled our meeting.'

  'But Cathy, it wasn't…' he began.

  This time she didn't interrupt him, she waited. He said nothing. It wasn't what, Neil?' she asked, almost defying him.

  'It was a matter of priorities,' he said eventually. 'We all have to make decisions every day about what to do and what not to do.' He was still calm, reasonable.

  'And you decided at the last minute not to come to a very important meeting about your wife's company? Leaving the three of us looking so foolish you wouldn't believe it?'

  He stopped being calm now. 'Cathy, please. There were things that had to be done, a joint committee is being set up, they needed someone to advise about the terms of reference…'

  'We needed you at the premises, you had promised to come. You don't know what happened, they ran rings around us, they were supercilious and… And you won't believe this, but if they don't pay up in time we could be out of business before the New Year.' She waited for the shock on his face, but it wasn't there yet. 'Like go out of business, permanently cease trading,' she said, afraid that he hadn't understood.

  'Cathy, I know this is a blow for you and Tom, and I'm sorry of course, but seriously, in terms of what else is going on… It's not something I could run away from everything else for. It's only a business, after all, it's only a small business, cooking food for rich people, giving them upmarket food.'

  'What?' She looked at him astounded.

  'You know I've always been very proud of you, and you've done very well. Very well…' He paused.

  'Sorry, I don't understand. This is my job, Neil, this is what I do.'

  T know, hon, but you can't compare what you're doing… You know, all these discussions about canapes and finger food, with what I had to do today.'

  'There were no discussions about finger food today, there were people, big companies whose job it is not to pay up until they have to. You told me that yourself when we had the robbery.'

  T know, I know.'

  'So what are we talking about then? Tell me, Neil, tell me now why we, who had booked you for a consultation couldn't have you, couldn't rely on your being there as you had promised?'

  'That is such a grossly unfair—'

  'Tell me.'

  'Because it was not as important as the setting up of a joint committee. Don't get carried away with the importance of a business, Cathy. They come, they go.'

  'Even if you've slaved for them and played everything by the book like we've done all the way?'

  'What are we talking about… You despise these people, you just make money out of them, I've heard you over and over groaning and pouring scorn on them, but you still take their fees.'

  'And is that immoral, to do a service and get paid for it?'

  'No, Cathy, it's not, but it seems to me that you are trying for a very high moral ground saying that I should have given up good work in defence of the homeless in order to protect what we all agree is something which in the end is fairly unimportant.'

  'Just say that again, Neil.'

  'Stop playing games, you heard me.'

  'You think Scarlet Feather is unimportant.'

  'Not in itself. It is filling a need, but in terms of—'

  'Did you always think this, like, say, a year ago when I was so busy setting it up?' she asked. He sighed heavily.

  'I need to know.' She was calm.

  'Well, I thought it pleased you, you know, because of all this nonsense about your mother and mine, which never mattered to anyone.'

  It mattered to everyone except you,' she said.

  'So you say… '

  'So you always thought it was a fairly trivial enterprise, something that started and could close.'

  'That's what happens to businesses.' He shrugged. Uncaring.

  'So why did you even bother to get involved when we had a break-in… a robbery that was actually masterminded by your own first cousin, as it happens?'

  T wondered when we'd get to that,' he said.

  'No, Neil, why did you bother taking it up if you weren't going to follow through?'

  'I was going to follow through, and I am going to, but today was not the day. Anyone in Ireland could have told you, I had other things to do today.' He looked very hurt.

  'But you thought it a Mickey Mouse, rich people's enterprise. Why then did you bother at all…'

  'It was the principle of the thing, they should not be allowed to get away with it,' he said. There was a long silence. 'Cathy?'

  'What?'

  'Do you… um… um…' he asked.

  She looked at him for a long time. 'Do I think you should listen to the phone messages now? Yes, I think that's a great idea,' she said.

  'Don't piss me about.'

  I'm not. Believe me.'

  'You wanted to talk,' he said.

  'And we did,' she said.

  'Is there anything I could say or do to make you feel better?' he asked.

  'No, no, there's not, Neil.'

  'I know I'm very insensitive, like that thing about Holly's hotel.'

  'Again, I tell you, it's not important, believe me there, too.'

  'I love you,' he said. 'Maybe, Neil.'

  'No, really and truly, and we have always been honest with each /other, always.'

  'Yes,' she said thoughtfully.

  'And I don't want anyone else in the world but you. So yes, I annoyed you today and maybe also a bit over the past months by not being here enough. I admit this. But I've come to a decision.'

  'Yes?' She looked at him.

  'I honestly didn't realise how much that whole baby thing meant to you.' He leaned forward and held both her hands. 'Cathy, I want to say it straight out. If you'd like us to try for another child, then I wouldn't mind, I really wouldn't mind at all.

  '

  Chapter Twelve

  DECEMBER

  One of Muttie's associates went to have acupuncture and his back straightened up; in fact he wondered had he been to Lourdes, so great was the transformation. Cathy told June about it just in case it would help her husband.

  'Nothing will help Jimmy, he's like Interpol these days, what time did the job end, why was I so long coming home. It would drive you right up the walls and down again.'

  Cathy took Jimmy's side. 'To be fair, now you gave him a bit of reason to be jealous… going off to parties and clubs.'

  'I never slept with anyone else since I married him a hundred years ago, more than you can say for most people, but there's no telling him that. He's put a halt to my gallop recently, and me the only blameless soul left in Dublin.'

  Cathy wondered was that right. Were most people unfaithful? She never had been. And Neil? Hard to know, very hard to know nowadays. The thought shocked her, that he could b
e in bed with red-haired Sara, for example, saying the same things that he said to her, doing the same things. It was unthinkable. But then, so were so many other things.

  'Cathy. You've put seventy into that box, not sixty…' June snatched it from her. They were doing their Christmas freezer order, flat boxes of canapes. Sixty per box.

  'You're miles away,' June grumbled.

  'You're right.' She pulled herself together sharply. 'And we must finish quickly because we're having Power Elevenses, remember?'

  'All right, I'll speed up if you put your mind on them.'

  'All right. I'll keep my mind on them if you give Jimmy the name of the acupuncture man. He deserves a crack at it.'

  And with that they went into fast mode, laughing as they bumped into each other, but the boxes got filled and labelled and filed deep in the heart of the rented freezers. By eleven o'clock Tom was well back from Haywards and the cash and carry. Con and Lucy had turned up as requested to, and they were all sitting in the front room, five Scarlet Feather mugs of coffee and a plate of shortbread on the table that used to hold Cathy's beloved punchbowl.

  'Now this is like a council of war. Cathy and I thought it only fair that you all realise how near the edge of the precipice we are. Our only hope is to work the arses off ourselves this month. There will be nothing whatsoever to do in January, there will be no money out there, so our only hope is in the next four weeks. Now what we have to do is to know how many days and nighTs we can all work, otherwise we'll be taking on more than we can handle and we'll fall on our faces.'

  'I can work every night except Christmas Day,' Con said.

  'But Con, the pub?' Tom gasped.

  'I've asked for the day shifTs there. I prefer it. Anyway, it's messy in December.'

  'If you're sure?'

  I'm sure. I'm going skiing with a bird in January, so I need all the dough I can get.'

  'And you, Lucy?'

  'Any night except Christmas Day, most lunchtimes too.'

  'Lucy, have you given up university?'

  'No, but there's not much on between now and February when we have to put our heads down and study, anyway, I'm going skiing with a fellow so I'll need to buy a few clothes.' She laughed conspiratorially with Con.