Carpenter's Gothic

by William Gaddis

  — Well he doesn't. Edie has her own money, she has her own money she can't wait to get rid of it.

  — Should have had a shot at Edie myself.

  — Why didn't you.

  — I'm kidding Liz look, all I'm…

  — Did you?

  — Look I didn't know her. I didn't even know her till I met you.

  — All right then after. What about after.

  — Liz come on… he tripped against the table leg, — what would I…

  — No please Paul, stop it please… she ducked away at the stove. — Do you want that broccoli with this? from last night?

  — What do you mean then, she's got money she wants to get rid of! He was back at the table, where he stamped down his emptied glass. — Catch Grimes setting up a trust where she could dip into principal whenever she…

  — Paul you don't listen. I told you when it happened you just never listen, that terrible old aunt died she had in Saint Louis Aunt Lea everybody hated her, she kept living till ninety six just for spite just to be mean. She wouldn't part with a penny she wouldn't even die when it would do anybody any good Edie always hated her, she had to go out and stay with her sometimes when she was little and when she left Edie two or three million I don't know how much, Edie was so mad she's just been trying to run through it to get back at her. Do you want broccoli with this or not.

  — All right look, just tell me one thing. Liz? The bottle neck shuddered on the rim of the glass and he steadied it, forcing it down, — just one thing. Here's your pal Edie your best friend Edie trying to unload a couple of million, right? Here we are so far in the hole we can't see out the top, now will you tell me why the hell it never occurred to you hit her up for a few…

  — Because there are things you just don't do Paul! Especially with best friends there are things you just don't ask from best friends that's why. Because I don't want her to think you can't do what you, I want her to think you can do all these marvelous things you're doing what I tell her you're doing that we don't need help hers or anybody's that's why! Because she thinks you're just marvelous that you're brilliant doing these investments and things because she, because I didn't marry Mister Jheejheeboy that's why!

  — All right listen. Just listen. I just told you we're looking for investors. She's got some extra cash, she thinks I know what I'm doing fine, she can put in half a million, straight business no best friends no anything, a good tax angle her money's safe now what's wrong with…

  — Oh everything Paul, everything now you've made me burn the broccoli. She doesn't want tax angles she doesn't want it safe she just wants to spite that old woman, she…

  — Liz the old woman's dead!

  — That's not the point! If she wants to run through it if she wants to just give it to people like this Victor Sweet she met down there why shouldn't she. Do you still want this broccoli?

  — Like your brother and his greasy Buddhists same God damn thing, why the hell would she give money to Victor Sweet.

  — Because he needs it for politics, he wants to be in the Senate and he needs it to get elected just like anybody that's why.

  — No, come on Liz. Victor Sweet? He'd run for dog catcher. He's never got near a…

  — Well Edie says he's charming, she said he wants peace and disarmament he's read a lot and he's sincere and he really wants to help his people, she met him at a party down there and she says he's charming.

  — Liz he's sentimental and woolly minded, the black vote won't touch him he couldn't lead ants out of a paper bag, he can't even get himself nominated if he wants to help his people what the hell is he doing at parties in Montego Bay?

  — He's trying to raise money to get nominated to get, I don't know I don't care. Here. You don't have to eat the broccoli.

  — Fine where's the ice did you, Liz? Where you going.

  — No place. Just in here.

  — But what…

  — It's the smoke Paul, it's your cigarette it's just the smoke.

  — Yes all right but, Liz? waving the smoke about with one hand, garnishing the broccoli with ashes stamping the thing out on the edge of the plate with the other, — Liz? You're not going to eat?

  — I don't know. Maybe later I don't know.

  — Then why did you, I mean I didn't say I wanted to eat right now either… Both elbows on the table he pursued a chicken remnant across the plate, — Liz? You said Victor Sweet wants to run for senator? You mean in Washington against Teakell…? He speared it flaked with ash — like running against a stone wall, Teakell's been in there for thirty years he's got everything behind him from the Administration to people like Grimes, Edie's father that old bastard Grimes you think that's why she's doing it? give him another ulcer? Get next to Teakell I'd be out of the woods… He speared another piece clear of the broccoli, — think she even knows who Teakell is? Liz? Feel like I'm in here talking to myself.

  — You are.

  — What? I said do you think Edie even…

  — I don't know anything about it Paul. We just talked about Cettie, she told me Celtic's been in a horrible accident, burns and just, just all too terrible…

  — Who Cettie who.

  — His daughter! Senator Teakell's daughter, she's been…

  — You mean you know her? you know his daughter?

  — I just told you, we were all best friends at Saint Tim's, she…

  — No now wait, wait… he came through brandishing the dripping fork — listen. Get next to Teakell we're out of the woods, could she put in a word?

  — Could, what do you…

  — Teakell Liz, Teakell, one word from him and we're out of the woods… he caught the bite off the fork, chewing — what I've been talking about for a week, this hole Ude's got himself in with the networks can't pay his bills and they're trying to push him off the air, what I've been talking about raising some investment he's trying to set up his own satellite tv operation and there's Teakell holding these hearings on broadcast licensing, his own hand picked man running the FCC Liz do you think she could talk to him?

  — Think, who could…

  — This daughter, you just said you knew his…

  — I said she's in the hospital she's covered with burns! They flew her down to that burn center in Texas they don't even know if she'll live!

  — Well you, then he'll probably visit her there maybe she can put in a, Liz? He came after her waving the fork — where you…

  — I don't know where I'm going! She was backed against the sink, — that she's lying there in agony all you can think of is putting in a word, you don't think of her of, you don't know what it must be like lying there in a hosp…

  — Wait Liz. Wait… His glass came down hard on the table, emptied again, — you know how long I laid there? How many weeks I laid there blown right up the gut watching that bottle of plasma run down tubes stuck in me anyplace they could get one in? Couldn't move my legs I didn't know if I had any, God damn medic breaks the needle right off in my arm taped down so it can't move can't reach down, dare reach down and see if my balls are blown off, my balls Liz! I was twenty two!

  — No I don't want to talk about it… She tore off a paper towel, got no further than twisting it between one hand and the other still backed against the sink there — I, I'm tired Paul I'm going upstairs, I'm sorry the broccoli…

  — No it's fine, wait… He speared a dispirited flower, — I get any calls?

  — You asked me that Paul, I told you Reverend Ude called, he…

  — Why didn't you tell me, been trying to reach him about that story in the paper did he see it?

  — That's why he called, to ask if you'd seen it, he…

  — Just told you Liz, I put it there.

  — You? put it there?

  — I placed it, what this whole thing's all about, I go in there as a media consultant get him in the public eye nation-wide's what I've been talking about, get in there and do the job where is it, have you got it?

  — It's her
e somewhere, I brought it home but why you'd want to get him in the public eye nationwide with a story about…

  — Can't you see Liz? can't you understand? Networks trying to push him off the air I get him some exposure in the print media shows these politicians like Teakell the support Ude's got out there in the boondocks thirty, forty million of them Liz they vote. Born agains, creationists, two seeds in the pod Baptists working on an Israeli tie in with these Jews for Jesus even got a few snake handlers from West Virginia every God damn one of them's a vote you think Teakell doesn't know that? Election year down their throats you think every God damn politician in sight doesn't know it? Not one political pie Teakell's thumb isn't into, Intelligence Committee Agriculture Armed Services he's got more seniority than Rip Van Winkle, keeps his name on the front page out there fighting Marxism with his Food for Africa program here's Ude moving in with his Africa missions, Voice of Salvation radio spreading the gospel all the same God damn thing Teakell knows where the votes are. One word from him Ude's satellite transmission gets off the ground where's the paper, get that newspaper story thought I'd give it to Adolph see if he can get past Grimes where is it, where's the paper.

  — It's, I'll find it but I can't imagine what you think you're getting past Mister Grimes honestly, why you called him Edie said you'd called him, she said you called him about Longview about taking over Long…

  — What I'm talking about Liz God damn it what I've been talking about! Been talking about investment haven't I? Raising investment? Adolph the banks all of them trying to get the estate settled? There's Longview down there soaking up money sixteen hundred acres of it, main house twenty four rooms five outbuildings twelve counting the slave quarters, turn those into guest cottages you could put up a hundred visitors, hold conferences turn that carnage barn into a media center, put in a movie theatre get his broadcast licensing approved set up his global transmission system what the whole thing's all about, Liz. This Bible school he's got going down there on the Pee Dee river some old Quonset huts and a string of used school buses, he started off with a rinky dink fifty watt radio station letters coming in from all over the God damn sun belt every one of them with a nickel or a dime in it? Gets on big time television he can't pay his bills because the money's going to his Africa missions so the networks make that an excuse to push him off the air. One word from Tëakell to the FCC he sets up his own operation, one word from Tëakell to Grimes we can raise the investment, clean up Longview and raise the investment you think Grimes could see that? Rasping old bastard he lectures me on the prudent man law, as trustees we must ask if this is an investment the prudent man would make hasn't got a God damn thing to do with the prudent man, he still thinks I'm the one that blew the whistle on those payoffs you know what he tried on me? Some press leaks on VCR and some hushup deal he's sitting in on in Brussels tried to string me along and see what I knew, tried to pin me down on the…

  — Well why you even called him in the first place. You know what he thinks of you here, here's the paper honestly, why you want your Reverend Ude in the public eye nationwide with a boy drowning it's more than…

  — Liz you don't listen, not talking about a boy drowning I'm talking about my press release on Ude's big Afric, what boy drowning.

  — The third or fourth page there's a picture of him, he was baptizing a nine year old boy in the Pee Dee river and the…

  — No now, now wait what… the broccoli flower trembled on the fork, — Christ… in a flurry of newspaper, — Jesus Christ. Why didn't you tell me. Look at that, same God damn picture of him I gave it to them myself look at that! God damn it Liz why didn't you tell me.

  — Paul I told you he…

  — And you didn't tell me there's two of them! Wayne Fickert, boy named Wayne Fickert and an old man he was holding both their heads under when the current Christ, two of them? You didn't…

  — I didn't read it all, I just said that he'd…

  — He called you said he called, where's the number, he leave a number?

  — He did yes, I wrote it down but…

  — Well where! God damn pad was here by the phone, that's why the pad was right here by the phone.

  — I know it I spilled water on it when I, that's why I wrote it down somewhere else but I can't…

  — Well think Liz! Think! He was up seizing the phone book, a paper napkin, the paper towel she'd wrung limp, anything where a number might have been scribbled down, backs of envelopes, — the mail, this the mail? You didn't tell me you brought in the mail.

  — Well it's right there Paul, it's right there in front of you it's nothing but bills anyway, bills and something from Christian Recovery for, oh wait, wait there's one there for Mister McCandless isn't it? With the beautiful stamp that's all I noticed, from Thailand, it must be…

  — I'll take care of it, he muttered thrusting envelopes this way and that, turning them over.

  — There it is, I'll just put it…

  — Said I'll take care of it! and he turned it face down, planted an elbow on it — now will you just find that God damn phone number? where you wrote it down? Paper tore, — Dan-Ray Adjusters these bastards, look. Be advised that we are not depositing your partial payment check to that God damn Doctor Schak, be advised that we shall instruct his attorney to proceed against you for the full sum plus court costs, interest and look Liz, somebody here named Stumpp he says they're taking you to court for, Liz?

  — What she murmured, indistinct, her lips stayed by the blue felt pen she held pressed against them, her dull gaze on the shaggy crested profile of Reverend Elton Ude crowded by headlines BOY DROWNS IN narrowing the clutter, the pen came down — I'm trying to think where I…

  — Will you listen to me? Trying to tell you they're taking you to court here, anybody comes to the door don't open it. Stumpp serving a summons on you some seedy process server comes to the door tell them a mile away, some down at the heels hopeless looking bastard they get seven dollars a summons he has to hand it to you, has to touch you with it, see some burnt out case out here on the doorstep you open it and all he says is Mrs Booth? hits you with the paper and that's it, don't open the door. You find that phone number? paper tearing in his hands — there, finally got here didn't you see it? Tell me there's nothing but bills been waiting for my disability check for a week I thought their computer had lost me Liz thought you were on the lookout for it, one God damn thing we can depend on thought you knew that, I thought you knew that Liz… paper tearing, — Doctor Yount. OV fifty dollars who the hell's Doctor Yount.

  — That was, nothing no I'm just trying to…

  — Think Liz! Think! Where the hell's that number, said you wrote it down someplace… he had the smeared vista of small boats off Eleuthera, waving it — get something going here Christ Liz how the hell can I get anything going if you write down numbers and lose them spend the rest of the day on the phone with Edie? Leave the pad right there by the phone so you can, who else called. Any other calls? Liz?

  — A lot of them.

  — What?

  She kept her eyes down where the pen tip flicked, fluttered blue on the newspaper, widening the vacancy, — Madame Socrate said there were a lot of calls this morning.

  — But the, who? Who the…

  — Madame Socrate is the woman who came in to clean Paul, the woman you wanted me to get to come in and clean. She said there were a lot of calls this morning but she's Haitian and doesn't speak any English and didn't answer them.

  — But she, but why didn't you answer them! What…

  — Because I was in New York, Paul… the pen quivered at the paper, — I drove into New York with you this morning do you remember? to see Doctor Kissinger? When I got there he hadn't received my records from Doctor Schak so I went over to Doctor Schak's office, and Doctor Schak was still on vacation, and his nurse his bitchy nurse screamed at me and said they'd sent the records over and she called Doctor Kissinger's office and then she said she hadn't sent them and she would and she couldn't g
ive them to me without Doctor Schak's permission and I went back to…

  — Look Liz this has nothing to do with…

  — It has to do with me! I went back to see Doctor Kissinger but they said he was leaving for Europe and I could hardly breathe and I made a new appointment and I, I came home I, I got the subway up to the bus and, and came home on the bus.

  — Now well look Liz I didn't mean…

  — You don't you never do, the whole hideous trip for nothing that subway I could hardly breathe you never do you, Cettie lying there half burned to death you don't even, even…

  — Oh Liz, Liz…

  She dropped the pen, getting breath, gazing blank at the newspaper picture there, suddenly her chair scraped back, banged the wall. — Where's that bird book, that's where it is yes where is it, here… on the sugar canister where she'd thrust it when she served his plate, she thumbed it through — here… she splayed the pages on red breasted merganser, — here's the number, your Reverend Ude here, I knew I'd written it somewhere.

  — Wait… he was already dialing, — Liz?

  — I'm going up.

  Rounding the newel, — Hey Elton? this you old buddy…? pursued her up the stairs, and down the hall — mysterious ways, now that's for sure… She swept the door behind her with a thrust of her hip, her only light the livid aura of the television screen come to life at her touch with a mantled figure descending into swirls of mist. On the hilltop above sat the rising moon; pale yet as a cloud, but brightening momently, and she unfastened her skirt, opened her blouse, and was back on the edge of the bed with a damp washcloth. A horse was coming. It was very near, but not yet in sight; when, in addition to its tramp, tramp, there came a rush under the hedge, and close down by the hazel stems glided a great dog, whose black and white colour made him a distinct object against the trees. The horse followed, a tall steed, and on its back a rider, and as she slipped off her blouse man and horse were down; they had slipped on the sheet of ice which had glazed the causeway. The dog came bounding back, and seeing his master in a predicament, and hearing the horse groan, barked till the evening hills echoed the sound, which was deep in proportion to his magnitude.