Carpenter's Gothic

by William Gaddis

  — Paul who was that.

  — Who do you think I'm talk…

  — I mean on the phone.

  — Who do you think. Collect call from Acapulco who do you think it was. This all the whisky?

  — Because if it was Edie, it was Edie wasn't it… She'd turned backed hard against her hands gripping the edge of the sink, — like Cettie I ask about Cettie I don't even know if she's still alive and you talk about a lawsuit you can't even let me speak to Edie, say hello just to say hello to her and see what she…

  — Waiting for some calls Liz I've got to make some important calls I can't have the God damn line tied up all night with Edie! Want to know what she's up to this dog and pony show for Victor Sweet that's what she's up to, same bunch Liz it's the same God damn bunch in there spending her money all she's doing is trying to give her father another ulcer. Grimes in there backing Teakell and this appeasement bunch comes up with Victor Sweet you know where he takes his orders, same God damn bunch using Ude to knife Teakell any smear they can find, who do you think dug up this bag lady down there? Shows up out of the woodwork with a shopping bag full of cat food says she's the sister of that bum that drowned they buried in the county cemetery gets a court order to have him dug up, wants an autopsy says she's going to sue for negligence manslaughter every God damn thing you can think of, same list as Earl Fickert you think that's a coincidence? Running a junkyard in Mississippi who do you think dug him out of a swamp had him sign his X on a deposition charging wrongful death clergy malpractice outrageous conduct you think that's a coincidence? Tried to get him malpractice insurance they drag out some yellow newspaper clippings ten years ago in Kansas same God damn thing, thirteen year old kid comes in for counseling and Ude has him reading the Bible listening to taped sermons and tells him he's a sinner puts the fear of God in him the kid goes home and hangs himself, family's Roman Catholic they sue for negligence wrongful death same list right down the line, telling everybody Ude's a mail order minister someplace in Modesto California ordains ten million of them a year to swindle the IRS any smear they can think of, all hearsay any smear they can think of. They even put out a story teaching these six year old kids in his Bible class to obey God he hooked up a seat to a twelve volt car battery, God tells you to do something you don't do it and zap! He banged the glass down empty on the table, — same bunch out there spreading this hearsay, see the hate mail starting to come in he's even had a couple of death threats same God damn bunch, that's where Edie your great pal Edie gives a gala for Victor Sweet all they know how to do give these God damn galas… he was pulling apart the pages of newspaper — got her mother in here someplace giving a benefit for your pal Jack Orsini raising money for that foundation your old man put up eight million here it is, Halloween gala benefit Mrs Cissie Grimes, center, greeting guests the Empress Shajar, widow of the late Ogodai Shah, with her escort here's your Doctor Kissinger never sent you a bill? Doctor Kissinger, the famed shuttle surgeon, who will leave tomorrow for Johannesburg to perform a colostomy on the President of South Af, Liz? You see that doctor?

  She put the pan down, a grip on the edge of the sink. — Which doctor, Paul.

  — Said you were going to see this insurance company doctor get my companion suit ready for this plane crash trial when they…

  — Doctor Terranova yes, I saw him. He thinks I may have high blood pressure.

  — High, that's all? High blood pressure what good is that, walk down the street everybody's got high blood pressure, get up in front of a jury they've all got high blood pressure think they're going to make a half million dollar award for high blood pressure?

  — Paul, I can't help…

  — Probably got high blood pressure myself if I saw a doctor haven't got time, all these doctors you've got plenty of time you see all these doctors if I, probably got it myself, heart attack drop in the street and they'll just step around you. His hand wavered over the rummage of paper, found its place on the bottle — whole God damn, keep all this straight if I, big project try to keep all this straight don't even know where the, where the mail… the bottle neck clattering free on the rim of the glass — ask you any mail ask you, ask you any phone calls you…

  — I told you Paul. Mister Slotko called.

  — Mis, you told me? You told me Slotko called?

  — Well I, yes I mean I…

  — Told me Slotko called I didn't what, what did he say.

  — He said you, he just said it would probably be better if you spoke with Adolph, that Adolph knows the…

  — Talk to Adolph doesn't know a God damn thing that's why you get Slotko, big prestigious Washington law firm know what's going on they all know each other down there that's why you get Slotko, whole God damn thing whether the estate can pick up these shares on option before this Belgian syndicate's already taken over Lendro, buying into South Africa Metal Combine see them move in on VCR whether Grimes takes a back seat he probably knows this guy Cruik-shank knows the whole God damn board ready to sell VCR out in a minute why you get Slotko down there knows everybody, what the whole God damn thing is about they all know each other why you get Slotko top of the heap that's why you what did he say.

  — Well he, I told you all he said was…

  — Talk to Adolph God damn it Liz what did he say! Called me here just what in the hell exactly did he say!

  — He said… backed again against her hands gripping the sink, — he said he thought you were an idiot, Paul. He said you go off half cocked just because you'd worked for my father you think you, that you can call the shots he said you know as much about finance as some snot nosed sixth grader that he's sick and tired of your swearing at him on the phone if you, call Adolph if you, if Adolph can stand you let Adolph explain it. Call Adolph.

  — He said that?

  — Well he, you asked me exactly what he…

  — He said that Liz? Slumped deeper in the chair, he sat running a finger along the clean red slit the length of his arm to the tendons outcropped on the back of his hand, — tell you what that's about… he picked up the glass, — tell you what that's all about Liz. Slotko puts on a big act he's just their Jew in the window, big prestigious law firm Slotko worms his way in they need a Jew in the window part of the same bunch, what that's all about. Same God damn bunch spreading these smear stories, hearsay rumor anything they get their hands on trying to trip Ude up now on antisemitism never met a Jew till he was twenty what do they do? Peddle some old speech they're claiming he made says the only way the Jews have survived two thousand years by being hated, move in next door buy them a drink treat them right so God damn scared they'll lose their identity so they set up Israel and think up new ways to make everybody hate them only God damn thing holds them together. Trying to get Teakell, same bunch Victor Sweet same God damn bunch using Ude to get at Teakell alienate the Jewish vote problem's somebody taped the God damn speech can't miss that voice, hear him once you can't miss that voice what are you, what's the matter…

  — I just have to move some of these papers if we're going to eat, can you move your…

  — Wait give me the glass, all that God damn smoke I can't…

  — Oh!

  — Why we've got him out tells everybody he's a Zionist right here, got it right here in the where's that ad, patch things up got him addressing these interfaith breakfasts trying to get one of their top people invite him over there take him up to the Wailing Wall have a good cry together need friends any God damn place they can, what's this.

  — It's just, I thought I'd try veal but…

  — What are these.

  — They were mushrooms but the, I think the pan got too hot and…

  — What are…

  — Those are peas. Be careful!

  — Just getting the God damn phone, hello…? He held the plate up for her to free the cord, to channel peas in a rivulet between the two men knelt in prayer, — Good thing you called, I couldn't get… that's why I couldn't get there, where'd you hear about it… must
have been, he must have been, people all over the place he came right at me, took him out wearing his guts for garters may have to wait before they can question him see how all the God damn pieces fit together, whole thing coming in from outside like walking in a God damn mine field over there every people's congress liberation army spade they waste he's carrying his AK47 all coming in from the… See how far they can push us, took those mission boys out every God damn boy in the mission gave him a hammer out there pounding stakes in the ground staked out the whole claim, every… their own land no, on the mission land, Metal Combine coming at them one way Lendro coming the other VCR right beside them already working a claim right to the edge of it trying to get extension rights they'd be right down there under the mission station itself chew up the whole God damn thing and spit it out that's the… No it's already registered, whole claim registered in the name of a secret nominee he turns it over to the church look around for the highest bidder probably these Belgians whatever the hell they are, syndicate registered in Liechtenstein like some Liberian freighter buying into everything they look God damn peas spilling on the, can you move this? What…? No not you talking about something else caught me right in the… Read about it in the papers I'll see you down there Liz? hang this up? Already spilled something on the God damn try to keep some order here I shouldn't have told him all that. Calls up worms it out of me I shouldn't have told him all that.

  — I'm afraid the veal's not very tender.

  He finished what was left in the glass. — The what?

  — The veal, it's a little tough.

  — Little tough… He repeated that, attacked it with his fork and then put the fork down and his head came forward into his hands, staring down at the plate, the slash a red line drawn straight up to his eye.

  — Doesn't that hurt Paul? don't you want…

  — Little tough that's all, little tough… He picked up the fork again — problem's the, whole God damn pieces fit them together shouldn't have told him all that… grinding the heel of the fork down, giving it up, going for the bevy of peas lost before they'd left the plate, disheveling the scorched stand of mushrooms — just like the, think he was waiting for me Liz.

  She got the plate away, got her own Kali fínisked oíf to a safe corner and reached for the bottle — I don't think..

  — Give me that!

  — Paul please, you…

  — I told you! and he had it by the throat, — told you… tipping it up, up, — pieces fit together problem's just too God damn many pieces, even penetrated the Vatican's true Liz, big God damn third world peace offensive Vatican intelligence network cover the whole continent even penetrated that, Jesuits speak Swahili convert a few spades in the right places get them in the confessional word goes straight to the bishop right up the God damn hot line to Rome see that? Trying to knock out his Voice of Salvation radio's why Teakell's over there fact finding tour for his Food for Africa trying to get him through Ude same God damn bunch right down to the state level, state highway department in there says that school bus brake drums rusted right through barely got them in the ground they're trying to nail him on that, county health board in there trying to close down the whole God damn operation Bible school all of it, penetrated right down to the county level says they're dumping raw sewage into the Pee Dee all their new God damn indoor plumbing, still up there in the bushes everything fine while they were still up there squatting in the bushes put in this new indoor plumbing right down to the county level what the whole God damn thing is all about. Smear stories hearsay get him any way they can, trying to smear him with Pearly Gates down there sets up his Christian survival camp out in the hills teach them weapons use, hand to hand combat, sheriff's deputies teaching kids, everybody, freeze dried foods MIA rifles target practice explosives handling same paper here, trying to smear him with that… He cleared the page with a sweep of his hand — same God damn newspaper, pay for a full page ad and they sneak in this smear story on Gates, another page and then — wait! Where is it!

  — Where is…

  — Envelope that white envelope, got ten thousand in it where… scattering pages — got it… the bloodied sleeve trailing from his elbow, a hand out for the bottle in a swerve to the phone — Hello…? Who do you, you got the wrong…

  — Paul please, if it's…

  — Hey! You old peckerhead, if it's not old peckerhead… He heaved back in the chair, — no shit. You did? Six o'clock news no shit…? you see me take him out? Cameras set up out there for some candyass politicians at that prayer breakfast two chops blew him away, that mother was waiting for me Chick. You see him? looked just like Chigger didn't he? you see his face? Same yellow shit in his eyes that last day out pouring that M60 into those hootches kids chickens pigs wasting that whole fucking ville same shit, see it in his eyes before I saw the blade, he… mother creased my arm that's all, told him that Chick when I turned him in, looking for somebody to tear you out a new asshole just step right up told him that, every mother out there got five minutes to be crazy, two weeks short Kowalski couldn't wait? walks right up route seven trying to draw fire? What? who… none of them no, why would I hear from any of them, only thing some dipshit sergeant called me come down for this Unknown Serviceman funeral be in their parade you know that mother offered me a wheelchair? tag along at the end? Military down there's got the whole thing organized, colour guards bands from all the service branches you think they want a bunch of ragass mothers in their bush caps and fatigues marching up there with the coffin? Might be Kowalski in a body bag, Kowalski's two left hands in a body bag they shut them out, think anybody wants to see the war we lost while they're dressing up to win the next one? Shut them out so they're going to fall in behind all the mickey mouse shit past that fucking wall flags flying bands playing right out to Arlington, play taps shoot a few blanks up at nowhere present, harms! shoulder, shit! See Drucker coming in with his bag of ears that's what they… All right no, no I'm fine man I'm, I'm… what? Real fine peckerhead real fine what kind of names… No I'll get some I'll get you some, straight on peckerhead I'll get you some real fine ones just watch your ass this time, you got a phone? get you some real, find a fucking pencil? Liz? his hand tearing through the papers, — find a God damn pencil?

  When he hung up she was staring at him and his eyes came up sightless right on her, froze her step toward him, froze — Paul, don't… in her throat.

  But he had it, had the bottle by its own hard neck coming down over the glass — sweetheart…

  — Paul… she took the step.

  — That's one fucking sweetheart stopped her dead. — Pulled me out of that BOQ Liz, Chick's the one that pulled me out… He brought his arm up to wipe the sweat from his face with his sleeve but the sleeve dangled loose from his elbow, drawing the length of the straight slash gone almost black where the blood had clotted and dried across his wet forehead. — Wants some names, told you he just got out? Calls me get a fresh start, wants some names problem you don't listen to me. That's my RTO, cover that radio with his life only man in that fucking outfit ever listen to me, give one of those spades an order he's stoned, they're all stoned, comes right back never happen sir. Get up on that ridgeline Beaumont, come back tell me what you see. Never happen, sir, smartass grin thought they'd show me up, thought they'd get me up on that ridgeline myself see me blown away… He stared at what he'd poured in the glass there before he drank it down, — wants some names, told you he's getting out?

  — You told me that Paul.

  — Problem you don't listen, told you what.

  — That Chick just got out of the army and he wants, that he's making a fresh start and he wants the names of people who can get him a job?

  — Told you don't listen Liz, you don't listen. Five years for robbery that's what he just got out, only one that came out with a career, army taught him a career second tour they took him out of combat put him in G2 crack any safe you show him, army taught him that in G2 get a fresh start, names like doctors cash in the wa
ll safe hide it from the IRS Chick can spot it in the dark, mothers won't report the robbery because they never reported the God damn money in the first place he's the one that pulled me out Liz, saw it on television you hear that? Six o'clock news saw it in his eyes before I saw the blade, he was waiting for me…

  She stood close enough now to put a hand on his shoulder, on the shirt soaked through with perspiration, and his shoulder sank under it as though it were a weight. — Paul I, let me help you upstairs, you're…

  — Got to work, can't help you upstairs Liz too much God damn work here got to get to work.

  — You can't no, you can't try to work now you…

  — Don't tell me try to work! He went at the papers again, — big God damn project just get all the pieces, too many God damn pieces… and a sweep of the newspaper, — see that? Just told you, smear story about Gates see that? Christian preparedness camp he's running down there teach them to use an M2 mortar, kid gets hit by a shell fragment Bible won't let him have a transfusion he's greased smear it all over the paper see that? down in the corner here? FBI closing in Federal Marshals same God damn bunch, go after Ude trying to smear him with Gates? Buy our full page ad hand us back a smear story see that? get your ad copy in four days ahead give them time to come up with a smear story same day's paper see that? his finger running down the dry wash left by the cascade of peas — appeasement, made them mad talking about appeasement here too God damn many Christians creeping around like Jacob and Esau saying I will appease him, want to appease this evil empire because they're scared of this godless Marxism and the militant atheists who serve their evil design for Sweet, see that? all his appeasement and disarmament where he takes his orders Victor Sweet? Peace is a weapon in their offensive quotes the Bible right here again through his police his, through his policy also he shall cause craft to prosper in his hand he shall magnify himself in his heart and by peace destroy says it right here, by peace destroy many whole God damn religious awakening across the land see that?