A Question of Lust

by Angeline Fortin

  Francis and he were back on the track to true friendship and brotherhood now and Vin was glad for it. Glad for his family and the return of the familial bond of love and belonging he was discovering again with all of them. Perhaps he had James to thank for that…along with his bruised jaw.

  Then there was MacKenzie. Jason and Moira’s father. Vin watched as the old man stood by the door at the end of that long aisle speaking with Moira. As gruff as the man had always been, the Earl of Seaforth had taken over the role of father to him in those years following his father’s death. He’d provided guidance when Vin needed it most. Vin didn’t think he’d ever thanked him for it. Now he welcomed Vin into his family as a son. A son to give him back the one he had lost. Vin didn’t think he’d ever known such a magnanimous gesture in his life.

  And Richard. Richard had been a brother and comrade-at-arms when they’d joined the guards together. He couldn’t imagine how those years would have gone if he hadn’t had that brotherhood to carry him through those first years when they all realized war wasn’t as glamorous as they thought it would be.

  Vin looked around the church, noting the smiling faces beaming up at him. They were all so happy for him despite the circumstances of the day. They wanted nothing but joy for him. For the first time he wanted it as well. Perhaps he might even deserve some.

  But then there was Moira. Vin watched her as she argued with her father, wondering if she were trying to convince him to let her run away. She looked so lovely it made his heart break just looking at her. Her ivory gown was satin and looked as soft and smooth as the ivory of her skin. The low curving neckline was edged in ruched chiffon while the rest of the bodice front was covered in an appliqué of lace and rhinestones. The full elbow length sleeves were inset with the same lace that ran in a V to the end of the sleeve where a small tassel brushed her inner arm as it swung back and forth. The skirt of the gown was a simple bell shape gliding smoothly over her rounded hips. More inset lace scalloping the hemline with more rhinestones and a ruffle of chiffon around the hem increasing in width as it went around the train of the gown.

  She should have looked angelic, but to him she simmered with vitality and life. It radiated from her like an aura of sunshine. How he loved her! How he had loved her for many years as a friend and confidante before realizing just the previous morning that he was in love with her. It was a subtle difference. Truly, it didn’t change the way he thought of her very much at all. Friends and lovers, Richard had said. It was very easy to have them both now. Vin knew that blend of camaraderie and passionate would burn brightly through the years ahead leaving them with a warm glow well into their twilight years. Despite the deepest fears of his youth, Vin knew marriage to Moira would never be mistake.

  He wished she knew that as well.

  Vin still couldn’t believe he had so easily gained her forgiveness as well as that of her father and grandfather for failing Jason. It seemed he’d been wallowing forever in the guilt of causing Jason’s death, of denying them a brother and son. Yet they only wanted his happiness now, wanted him in their family. They were sorry he had suffered from Jason’s death. It had taken him all day and night to come to terms with that.

  Vin looked around again at all of them – family and friends. They’d all moved beyond the past and lived their lives enjoying the moments they had and anticipating the ones to come. He was the only one who’d dwelt so morosely on insignificant things that no longer mattered. He spotted old Sung Li at the back of the church and felt the wisdom in his eyes burn through him. A wry smile twisted Vin’s lips. How was it that so many people knew what he’d been doing all these years and never pointed it out to him? Perhaps, if he’d realized it before, he might have done something to change his bad habits before it was almost too late.

  Well, he would change them now. Since his talks with MacKenzie, Mercea and Moira, Vin had felt the guilt he’d carried for so long leech away. He would forever be saddened by the events of these last years and might recall the horrors occasionally, but he felt the worst of it had washed away with their absolution. From now on, he would live his life for his days with Moira and the life they would have together. They would have three titles to prepare their children for. They would need to be taught their responsibilities well. It would be a lifetime of lessons for them all.

  The organs boomed mightily into the silence and Vin nearly jumped in surprise as he was pulled from his reverie. As Moira reluctantly took her father’s arm and began to walk slowly across the room toward them, Vin could read the misery on her face. While she might have loved him for all the years before this moment – a fact Vin still had a hard time reconciling himself to – she didn’t want this.

  Not like this. And he didn’t either. He’d been angry with himself for being unable to put his reasons into words the day before but angrier with her for thinking that Vin was only marrying her for Society’s approval. He cared not a whit for scandal! If he had, he wouldn’t have denied this marriage the night of the ball. He only wanted Moira to be happy and hadn’t considered she would ever be so with him when she learned how Jason died. He’d never taken into account that forgiveness would be so easily won.

  How could she think after a lifetime of friendship that Vin would wed her merely because he ‘had’ to? She was nearly as intractable as he could be. While it would make for a lively and entertaining future, it was not how this day should be.

  Vin wanted to begin as they meant to go on and he meant to proceed with love. Her love, that she’d held for him for years, and his, which was new in its evolution from friendly to romantic but just as enduring. It couldn’t start like this with Moira miserable, thinking he was being forced into it when, despite her words, she loved him still.

  She reached his side as the organ faded away, her head lowered and the priest began to speak. “Dearly beloved…”

  “Bugger it!” Vin ground out, surprising everyone and they all turned to look at him. Including Moira. Vin stared down into her beautiful brown eyes and felt the power in them all the way to his soul. He couldn’t have that look haunting him through his lifetime. He hadn’t spoken to her at all since yesterday morning and he couldn’t begin this thing with her thinking as she did. “Not like this, lovey.”

  “Vin…” Moira felt her heart sink even farther. He wouldn’t do it even to save her from scandal!

  But Vin grabbed her hand and pulled her with him, away from the priest. Down the aisle once more. Away from her wedding. “Don’t move, everyone,” he called back to the wide-eyed spectators as he continued to pull her down the aisle. “We’ll be right back.”

  Moira stumbled along behind Vin as he pulled her out of the main church and down the side halls before pushing her inside one of the antechambers and shutting the door behind them. She felt irritation welling up in her. She hated forcing him , but what choice did she truly have? It was this or scandal. A scandal she had told him she was willing to walk away from. He had insisted on doing this, why back out now? “Vin, what on earth do you think you’re doing?”

  Vin paced the small room and ran a hand nervously through his hair. “I couldn’t do it, lovey. Not like that.”

  “Well, I know that, Vin! You think I wanted to force you into this?” Moira asked, her voice sharp with irritation. “I told them all you wouldn’t do it. You’d hate to be pushed into something you didn’t want.”

  “Bloody hell, lovey!” he burst out, feeling a bit of anger that she would continue to think that way. “I’m not being forced into it! I told you yesterday, I want to marry you!”

  “Och, sure and ye have a fine way of showing it, too!” she shouted back in face. “Standing up there like a man going to the gallows. Ye sure dinnae look too happy about it!”

  “That’s because ye were looking so bloody unhappy, lovey!” he yelled back, even in his anger loving the way the Scots came out in her when she was mad. It lit her eyes and put a bloom in her cheeks that hadn’t been there all day. “Ye never even wanted to know
why I wanted to marry ye. You just assume you know my mind and don’t even bother to ask but I’ll tell ye it’s not because I bloody well have to!”

  “Why then, Vin? Tell me now! I want to know, right now! Go ahead!” she stood there with her hands on her hips screaming at him like an angry fishwife and Vin thought he’d never seen anything so wonderful in his whole life. He felt the blood pumping through him, felt all that life and vivacity in her reach into his soul and energize him with the same. Damn, but it felt good!

  And she thought he was doing this all for the sake of Society! If he made her feel half of what she gave him!

  With a groan of amusement and frustration, Vin strode toward her so quickly that Moira almost stumbled backing away from him. He caught her around the waist and pressed her back against the wall before bending his head to capture her lips with his in a deep kiss.

  Caught off guard, Moira felt a rush of heat envelop her as Vin’s lips continued to devastate her with passion and tenderness. Before she lost the capacity to think, Moira pushed on his shoulders twisting to the side. “You think a kiss will make all this go away, Vin? You don’t understand at all.”

  With a smile, Vin cornered her against the wall once more, propping his forearm on the wall over her head and forcing her head up so she would look at him. “Actually, I believe in this case it is you who doesn’t understand, lovey.”

  “What don’t I understand then?” she asked shivering from the feel of his fingers against her temple as he toyed with the curls there.

  Vin stared down into her brown eyes wondering where to begin. He traced the back of his fingers along her cheek and jaw and down her neck and across the bare flesh of her shoulder. “My God, but you’re beautiful, lovey,” he whispered, then shook his head, forcing his thoughts back on track. “Words haven’t been easy for me since I’ve returned. I think you know that. I muddled things completely yesterday when we spoke and I haven’t even seen you privately since then to try to fix things. Then you locked your door last night – aye, I tried to come to you – and after that I started to feel angry that you believed I was marrying you only to stave off the gossips.”

  “Aren’t you?” she whispered, mesmerized by the tenderness of his touch, an extension of the warmth she read in his eyes. “You certainly fought the idea hard enough the night of the ball.”

  “I did, you’re right,” Vin grimaced, remembering that night. “I couldn’t marry you without you knowing the truth of Jason’s death, lovey. I couldn’t bind you to me and live with your hatred for the rest of my days. And I thought you would hate me when you knew.” Vin shook his head as if he still couldn’t quite understand their forgiveness. “Sung Li says I built it up in my mind over the years. That with nothing to dwell on other than that guilt, I gave it a disproportionate emphasis in my mind. For whatever reason, I was so torn by the past, I could not look forward or bind you to me. Because of the guilt, I couldn’t accept out attraction as more than lust. I didn’t feel as if I deserved you after leaving Jason behind.”

  Moira did understand that. She could easily see how living in that nightmare for so long could warp his thinking. Papa explained it to her as well, how the events of war especially those born from imprisonment could change a man’s thinking. What might seem illogical to someone without similar experiences to draw on, could seem entirely rational to a soldier. “And now you do?” she asked. “Why?”

  “You gave me something I could not give myself,” he told her. “You forgave me, lovey, as did your father and grandfather. Like your father said, I was finally able to forgive myself. It wasn’t an easy thing to do. I want to look forward and not back any longer. I want to marry you, lovey. Finally, I am able to see what I had refused to let myself hope for.”

  “You still haven’t said why though, Vin,” she reminded though her voice had lost its heat. Hope was flaring to life within her once more. Sweet hope she had thought withered and dead just hours ago. “You said I didn’t ask you before, but I’m doing it now. Why do you want to marry me?”

  Vin traced his fingers over her cheek, wondering if the words would come this time. Heart pounding, he said softly. “Because I love you.”

  Moira closed her eyes as the words swept though her. She almost couldn’t believe she’d heard them correctly. All the hopes and dreams of a lifetime came alive with those words. Weeks of conflict in her heart, torn between hope and certainty that it was all for naught. Despite everyone else’s convictions, she’d never been certain she would hear them from Vin. “As a friend?”

  “Aye,” he answered and Moira winced, but he continued. “As a friend, as a lover…as the keeper of my heart. Lovey, look at me.” Moira opened her eyes and looked up into his seeing all the love she’d ever hoped to see shiny there in his chocolaty gaze. “I have loved you my entire life, I think you know that, but these past weeks have made me see something that might have always been there if I hadn’t been too stubborn to see it and recognize it. It is something I just realized the other day, in fact. There is a difference between loving someone and being in love. And, lovey, I am so in love with you. I beg your forgiveness for being too much of an ass to see it before.”

  Moira blinked up at him, thinking ironically that it was her turn to be the disbelieving one. Perhaps when one’s dreams all came true, it took a moment for the reality to sink in.

  Vin didn’t know how to interpret her silence. “You told me the other night that you have loved me for years, lovey. But, if I recall correctly, you didn’t say the words either. Do you love me still? Or am I too late?”

  Moira reached up and rubbed her palm against his smooth cheek before sinking her fingers into his hair. “I’ve been waiting a score of years for you, Vin. I even waited when I thought you were dead and I probably would have waited my entire life through as well. You’re not too late. You could never be too late. I think perhaps I might be a little dazed from your confession. Do you truly love me?”

  Cupping her cheeks, Vin kissed her ever so softly. “Look in my eyes, lovey. What do you see? More love than I ever imagined I could feel should be there for you to see.”

  Moira searched his gaze, seeing the warmth and the love there and released a shaky breath. “Oh, Vin! I always dreamed but never really thought…” With a laugh, she slid her arms around his neck and hugged him to her. “I love you, Vin,” she whispered in his ear. “For my entire life, there has never been another but you.”

  “Ah, lovey!” Vin kissed her cheek and then her lips, capturing them tenderly with his, lingering for a long while pouring all the love he felt into that moment. The flames caught then and suddenly an inferno raged through him. Vin clasped her to him deepening the kiss, using his hands to tilt her head farther to the side so he could thoroughly ravage her mouth.

  With a moan, Moira pressed herself to him, giving herself over completely until Vin’s kiss softened once more. The kiss slowed then their lips parted.

  “I’d like to finish that but I think…I hope we have something we need to do first.” Vin dropped to one knee before Moira, taking her hand in his and asked properly this time. “Moira MacKenzie, I love you so dearly. Would you do me the honor of being my wife?”

  “Yes, Vin, I will,” Moira answered, pressing a hand to her wildly beating heart. “I love you so much!”

  Vin caught her about the waist once more as he rose and kissed her again with a groan of surrender. Her arms wound around his neck as she pulled him close, knowing she was never going to let him go again.

  “What’s going on here, son?” MacKenzie’s voice boomed, making the pair leap apart in surprise. “are ye going to wed wi’ my daughter or not?”

  Vin grinned down at Moira and she smiled back at him with love in her eyes.

  “Aye, sir, I am!”

  Epilogue

  The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved;

  loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.

  Victor Hugo

 
; Haddington House

  Edinburgh, Scotland

  April 1893

  “Are you happy, lovey?”

  “Serenely.”

  “Supremely?”

  “Sublimely.”

  They shared a comfortable laugh as they waltzed slowly around the dance floor. It was spring. The Season was in full swing and tonight they were at the Haddington townhouse on Carlton Terrace celebrating the birth of Jack and Kitty’s son, Montgomery. It was a ‘small’ family affair. Just the nearly thirty members of the MacKintosh and Merrill families along with Maggie Preston, Eve and Kitty’s mother and that Aylesbury fellow. Vin wasn’t sure why the marquis been invited other than Moira and Richard considered him a close family friend. Vin though was insanely aware that the fellow desired Moira at one time physically and felt undeniable jealousy and rage every time the marquis looked at his wife.

  His wife. Vin looked at her with a smile.

  Moira returned it laughing happily as he swung her around. They’d been married for almost two months now and, if it were possible, Moira thought they were happier than she’d ever imagined they could be…and she’d imagined a pretty blissful life. Vin had regained his former good health thanks to Sung Li’s continued efforts and hadn’t been subject to a single nightmare in all the nights Moira had slept by his side. Vin was finally able to put the past behind him and focus only on the future.

  In two days, they would leave Edinburgh to travel to Old Klebreck Tower to visit her father and grandfather for a while before they went to England. There they would live at King’s Retreat, Vin’s new estate, and begin their married life together. Vin thought he might like to raise horses instead of farming and Moira was sure they would enjoy their time as newlyweds there.