By the time she reentered the bedroom, Grace was already fast asleep, fully clothed. Sienna drank her tea in the corner chair, trying to not think of all the possibilities.
Seth
His dreamhouse never felt like a home. Built as a showpiece for him and his company it had the floorplan and furnishings of a home. A place to entertain clients and show the media his softer side – local boy made good and looking for a wife to share his good fortune with.
Last night sharing host duties with Grace and now breakfast with her was the first time it felt like home – a place deserved to have laughter and noise and happy memories. Damn it, she walked into the room last night, turned his life upside down and now left as quickly as she came. He smiled at the memory – as quickly as she came every time under his touch.
Already he felt the same waves of depression coming over him as when she broke up with him.
The difference was that last time she left him for his own good – allowing him to move on with his life. This time, he told her he still loved her, and she left – for another person. A woman who shared her university days, her life and her bed.
His chest tightened with thoughts of her firm and toned legs possibly wrapped around the brunette while he sat pining for her. He imagined her face covered by her girlfriend’s kisses. Would she be thinking of him while she made love to someone else?
His empty coffee cup from this morning lost its life against the wall, droplets of coffee spattered the ceiling and walls.
In his anguish, a single cup wasn’t enough. The plates from the morning found their way onto the floor, shattering shards of ceramic everywhere. Only stopping for a wry smile when he realized it wasn’t the smartest move to break things while in bare feet. Then again, after last night, it was the most impulsive thing he’d done in years.
Almost finished cleaning, he heard a small gasp behind him. Joe held his son, Kyle in his arms. Kyle’s mouth was as open as his eyes. “You missed some,” pointing to the coffee stains.
“I sure did, mate. Never throw your cup at the sink – if you miss it gets messy,” Seth hugged his godson. So innocent and perfect. “What brings you by?”
“Daddy said you needed a friend – did you lose one?” Sweet boy, so genuinely concerned.
Seth tried to laugh but knew his friend would see through the fake smile, “Not quite. Last night your mum, dad and I caught up with a lot of friends and I’m going to miss them.”
“Oh,” With the trust of a child, Kyle accepted the explanation and moved onto more important matters, “Can you kick the ball with me? Dad’s knee is too sore and said you’d play with me.”
“Your dad is being a sook, let’s show him how to have fun,” Seth gave the floor one last wipe over, grabbed the left-over pizza and chocolate brownies from the fridge. “Instead of points, let’s play for brownies and see how long it takes for your dad to feel better and join us.”
“I win again!”
“You sure did, mate. There goes the last brownie,” Seth tossed it to Kyle thinking this game was exactly what he had needed. For a moment, a band aid to stop him from thinking about how empty his life would be again now that Grace left, again.
“Can I go inside and watch tv?”
“Sure, do you know how to use the remote?” Silly question, answered with the distain only a three-year-old could muster.
He grabbed a couple of cold soda’s and tossed one to Joe.
“Joanne dropped her back to her girlfriend.”
“Thanks,” everywhere he looked, he had memories of her. How could his life get so fucked up in one night?
“She made it pretty clear that she chose which bed she wants to sleep in and mate, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah,” his body tensed, and he tried to relax with deep breaths. No relief. “I wish I could be sorry, but I can’t. If she walked through the door right now, I’d do it all again.”
“Mate, you need to figure out how to move on. You can’t spiral like last time.”
They stood, drinking their sodas and watching Kyle watch television in the other room.
“I mean it, you can’t do this to yourself again. You can’t let her do it to you.”
Seth pulled his phone out and dialed a number, “Darby, it’s Seth. Look, I need a fourth for some back-yard soccer with a mate and his son. You up for it? Great, I’ll text you the address.”
Joe leant back on the door frame, “Charity case?” he asked as he shook his head. “Can’t say I blame you.”
“Darby’s a good kid, he just doesn’t know it, yet.”
“Attitude or drugs?”
“Released from juvie a week or so ago. Kicked my butt on the basketball court. I reckon Kyle can return the favor for me on the back-yard soccer field.”
“I don’t want my son to get involved with your random acts of kindness.”
“Relax, Joe. I love Kyle as if he was my own. He’ll be okay.”
“Best time, ever!” Kyle ran inside, leaving the exhausted adults collapsed on the patio.
“Yep,” Darby agreed before the young boy came out and pulled him inside to watch cartoons.
“The kid’s right,” Joe said.
When he first arrived, Darby was sulky and treated Kyle like an annoyance. But Kyle’s enthusiasm quickly wore him down and soon the two were a team playing against Joe and Seth. Darby even taught Kyle how to play “baby soccer”, swinging him by the underarms so his legs kicked the ball.
Seth managed to go whole minutes without aching for Grace and was rewarded when Darby suggested another game of basketball for the Tuesday afternoon. Maybe he’d broken through and could now build the boy up.
“Another success?” Joe motioned to the boys.
“Well, if I’m beyond helping, at least I can help others.”
After they left, Seth wandered around the house, trying to avoid his phone. Nothing good could come from checking it for messages. Grace didn’t have a reason to call. She made it pretty clear that last night was a once-of thing.
No, his phone could only lead him into temptation, to call her and beg her to come back to him.
But, his phone was his business lifeline, and eventually he checked his messages. None from Grace.
Almost one dozen calls between his business partner and assistant.
The financing for his next project was threatening to collapse. They had around a week to turn things around and stop his business and reputation from being ruined.
If he wanted something to take his mind off Grace, this would be it.
Damn.
Grace
The sun fell behind the distant mountains when Grace woke to see Sienna asleep, curled up in the corner chair, a book fallen open on the floor.
What the hell possessed her to go home with Seth last night? What did she think would happen, all that talk about the past, going down memory lane with everyone? All her memories growing up involved Seth. It had been impossible to turn off reignited feelings when they were alone.
Silly, silly, silly girl. What the hell had she done.
For five years she loved this woman opposite her.
They shared as much as she ever shared with Seth, even more. Together they built a friendship based on common upbringing and shared interests.
There was no one, single moment when Grace woke up and said, “Hey, Sienna, I’m gay and into you.”
It happened naturally and gradually. When they first kissed it had been weeks in the making, wondering if that look from Sienna meant what she hoped it did. Wanting to kiss her just to taste her. Falling asleep on the same bed as friends, but desperately wanting to hold her like a lover would.
Coming together was a slow burn that exploded the first time they were honest with each other about their feelings and desires.
From that first time, Grace knew who she was and who she wanted.
They thought they risked everything when they first came out to their friends. In fact, friends either didn’t care, expected it,
or gave them unconditional support.
Then they risked rejection from their families. Grace still remembered the first time she and Sienna went to stay with her own mother.
“Grace, darling of course I want you to be happy, but do you have to be so obvious about it?”
“Mum, this is important to me.”
“Darling, this is all so sudden, how do you expect me to respond?” Her mother hid her distain beneath reasonable, logical arguments. So logical that Grace resisted the urge to scream.
“Mum, Sienna and I are a couple and we want to sleep in the same bed. You never had a problem with Seth staying over.”
“And if you bring home another nice boy of course he can spend the night in your room. Not a girl. Heaven knows what perverse things you would be doing under my roof. I will not allow it.”
Grace stopped trying to be understanding and reasonable. Her mother would never change, no point trying. And no point pretending she and Sienna were good friends having a sleepover at different ends of the house.
“Don’t worry mum, we will go somewhere else to be perverse, and I’ll make sure I enjoy it,” Grace didn’t speak to her mother again for almost a year.
Grace and Sienna remained strong, gotten stronger in the face of their families’ opposition. They found their new family amongst the LGBTQI community in university and the broader Sydney.
After the fight with her mother, Grace cut off all her hair in an act of defying her mother’s rejection. Then it became part of her identity. She liked being feminine in the bedroom with Sienna and keeping the rest of the world guessing.
Only now she was the one guessing.
Six years ago, loving Seth, she never questioned her sexuality. Completely, utterly, head over heels in love with a man, straight.
For the last five years, loving Sienna, she accepted and embraced life being gay.
Now, she had no idea.
She loved Sienna so much that the thought of not marrying her and not being committed to spending the rest of their lives together stabbed at her heart?
Yet, last night she lay so wantonly in the bed of a man, not once and not even twice.
Grace stifled her tears as Sienna stirred, “Hey, honey, come to bed. It’s lonely here without you.” As Sienna spooned around her, their fingers clasped together. Grace knew she could never tell Sienna what happened last night. She made her decision and would make it again, with Sienna.
No one should book back to back meetings on a Friday.
Her day started with a breakfast meeting with a personal client looking to restructure his finances after a divorce settlement. Not even a chance to have a coffee or sandwich as she met with three different clients about restructuring their multi-million-dollar deals.
Exhilarating.
Exciting.
Exhausting!
By three o’clock, Grace’s head was spinning, and she needed a moment to clear it before walking in for the end of week “informal catch up” with the senior executives – which in fact was anything other than informal. Careers were made and broken by late attendance or not having their finger on the corporate pulse.
Her private line rang, and she looked for her assistant who she had sent off to the copier. Damn.
Be late for the meeting or miss a client’s call. No choice and no winner.
“You’re speaking with Grace,” she tried to keep the frustration out of her voice. The door was closing at the end of the corridor – all the other junior executives would already be huddling up to the people who would make their careers. While she was answering the phone.
“I’ve only been trying for a week,” the voice needed no introduction.
“Seth, this isn’t a good time,” despite promising herself to Sienna, hearing his voice broke her heart. She imagined him in his office from the pictures online. Pictures she should never have looked up. Standing in a rolled-up shirt, sun glasses on top of his head. Damn it.
“Grace, my company needs you – the financing for my new project is about to fall through. I’ve tried everything I can think of this week and nothing is coming together. Grace, I need you – my company needs you.”
She thought for a moment, needing to join her colleagues and wanting to help Seth.
Really, no choice and no winner. His lost financing deal was fate.
Her reputation and career were already being built on structuring financing for impossible deals. If he was any other potential client – instead of being Seth.
“Grace, are you there? I wouldn’t have called if I had any other choice. I could lose everything!”
She picked up the silver frame on her desk. A local took a photo of her and Sienna on motor scooters in Bali. Smiling, happy, in love.
Now the photo mocked her. If she helped Seth, what would it mean for her relationship with Sienna. If she didn’t, could she ever forgive herself.
“I’m listening, what do you need.”
Continue to Part 2: Reality
Forget me not
Grace
Wearing Joanne’s shirt and chamois jeans, Grace enjoyed a second breakfast and the relaxed camaraderie of old friends.
Neither Joanne or Joe seemed either surprised or disappointed that she spent the night with Seth. In fact, Joe’s first words to her were a cheeky, “What was it like being back in the saddle with Seth again?”
“Great, seriously, great, thanks for asking,” she couldn’t get the smile from her face. The years apart disappeared, and she bathed in the delicious afterglow of - OMG what did she just do!
“What does that mean for you two?”
“I know you would end up back together – crash course all night.”
“I need coffee, please, more coffee and less questions,” Grace begged for mercy!
“You don’t get off that lightly,” Jo urged, “I want details!”
“Ahhhhh, TMI,” Joe laughed. “It’s enough to see you doing the walk of shame.”
“Where would I be without old friends, nothing I could do last night would come as a shock,” it might have been a crazy night, but at least Jo and Joe accepted her, faults and all.
A short, blonde lightning bolt of action ran through the kitchen, barely stopping to check her out, “Those are mummy’s clothes. They look better on you,” and then ran outside to fight imaginary dragons.
“Wow! I like him.”
Joanne laughed, “I should be offended, but I asked him to clean his room earlier today, so everyone is better than mummy.”
The butter melted through the air pockets of the crumpets and Grace smothered her crumpets with honey. Creamy, delicious, perfect guilt and comfort food.
“Seriously, what happens now?” Joe asked, “Last time you left town, Seth didn’t take it well.”
Jo hugged her husband, turning to Grace, “What my gorgeous man is too polite to say, Seth was a mess and crashed on our floor for weeks. The only reason he didn’t spiral completely out of control is because Joe took time off work and took him out to the golf course, fishing. Whatever it took.”
“I had no idea,” Grace never thought Seth would have taken it so bad.
“Yeah, well you walk in the door looking like you haven’t had a wink of sleep. I can only imagine what he is going through – a night back together and now what. You have a girlfriend – do you go back to her and pretend nothing is wrong?” Joe kept going.
“Nothing is wrong, we are good together.”
“Babe, you know Jo and I love you, but if nothing is wrong, what was last night? Really, what were you looking for – and I don’t mean sex. You could have hooked up with any guy if all you wanted was a cock.”
“Don’t, please don’t,” overwhelmed by the truth in Joes attack.
“Joe,” Jo cautioned, “Lay off, can’t you see she is hurting.”
“What about Seth – she leads him on, spends the night and then, what, leaves town.”
“I didn’t mean to lead him on. I don’t know what it means for Sienna an
d me, but mostly it is perfect.”
“So, answer the question what did you expect would happen after you hooked up?”
“Joe, leave her alone,”
“She needs to answer – even if it isn’t to us she needs to answer it to herself – what was she looking for.”
“Sienna doesn’t want to get married,” Grace sobbed, “She doesn’t believe in commitment and she doesn’t want to ever have kids,” Grace had never confided in anyone about their problems. Blame it on being tired, having all her possible futures collide, once she started talking and crying, she couldn’t stop.
“We fight about it all the time – it’s the only thing we fight about. We fought about it on the way to the reunion and we ran out of time to make it right before I left her to hang with everyone. For one night, all I wanted was to think about what life could have been. Marriage, babies, a comfortable life – like you guys. What if what I want is the house on a block with a garden, a dog and a house full of kids.”
“Why?” Jo asked kindly. “Surely, she has her reasons?”
Resigned, Grace ticked the reasons off on her fingers, “There are enough people in the world, we have full lives and don’t need them, kids are expensive, we couldn’t travel as easily, there are enough kids who have parents that intended to do better and either can’t or wont.”
At the end, Grace recited in a blank monotone voice the words she heard from Sienna, “What would we do, breed them and hand them over to others to raise.”
She gave up wiping away her tears, gave up trying to hide the pain and frustration that built up over the past months of fighting. “What’s wrong, no what’s so selfish, about wanting to bring new life into the world?”
As she hid her face in her hand, she heard the sliding door slam shut and small feet shuffled towards her. “Why are you crying? Didn’t you like the party?”
Grace looked into the concerned eyes of Kyle. “No, sweetheart, I loved the party. I’m sad it’s over.”
“Why does the party have to be over – why can’t you have another party tonight?” His parents smiled so proudly at the innocent words of the child.
The Question Is Page 7
