Dork Diaries 13

by Rachel Renée Russell

  And right now I’m pretty much FREAKING OUT!

  WHY?!

  Because I’ve got way too many problems.

  First: I desperately need $500 to pay for my island luau birthday party.

  Second: The woman who gave birth to me (yes, my OWN mother!) has HIJACKED my party and turned it into a SUPER-low-budget belly-dancing-polka party for senior citizens.

  Third: I need to let Chloe and Zoey know that I’m seriously having second thoughts about all this party stuff.

  Fourth: I’m starting to feel a little guilty because I still haven’t told my BFFs and Brandon I’ll be going to Paris instead of on the Bad Boyz tour with our band, Actually, I’m Not Really Sure Yet.

  And what if they get MAD at me?! Our friendships could be RUINED!

  Normally, I would handle these problems like an IMMATURE middle school student by having a complete MELTDOWN and SCREAMING. But now that I’m older and more mature, I try to remain cool and calm.

  For starters, I did some positive thinking and carefully considered my options.

  Then, to find my inner peace, I did some deep-breathing exercises.

  Finally, to chillax, I took a long, relaxing, hot shower.

  And after ALL that, I . . .

  . . . HAD A COMPLETE MELTDOWN AND SCREAMED MY HEAD OFF!!

  Screaming in the shower really helped, and I actually felt hopeful and more in control of my life.

  Until I saw my mom in the hallway, and she gave me an update on all her party planning. . . .

  ME, TOTALLY DISGUSTED WITH MY PARTY

  Sorry! But I just CAN’T . . . !

  I didn’t think it was HUMANLY possible for my party to get any WEIRDER than it already was.

  But, thanks to my mom, it just DID!

  Instead of TWO elderly belly dancers dancing to Mrs. Wallabanger’s accordion folk music, I now have TWENTY-FOUR of them?!!

  AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

  That was me SCREAMING again!

  My birthday party is officially . . .

  CANCELED!

  !

  SUNDAY, JUNE 15

  My BFFs were really looking forward to my birthday party.

  So I knew they were going to be very disappointed that I’d canceled it.

  I left Chloe and Zoey the following message on their cell phones. . . .

  “Sorry, but I’ve got some really bad news. My birthday party is officially CANCELED! As much as I’d love to spend it celebrating with family and friends, instead I’ll be locked in my bedroom, sitting on my bed in my pajamas, STARING at the wall and SULKING! I hope you both understand.”

  Instead of a big birthday bash, I planned to have a huge PITY PARTY !

  But hey! Why wait? I was feeling SO AWFUL, I decided to get started on my STARING and SULKING right away. . . .

  ME, SULKING IN MY ROOM ABOUT MY CANCELED BIRTHDAY PARTY !

  Which, strangely enough, always seems to make me feel a lot better .

  But my sulking plans were completely RUINED when Chloe and Zoey called me back on my cell phone.

  “OMG, Nikki! We just got your message. You’re totally stressing out over this party! Please CHILLAX!” Zoey said.

  “Yeah, Nikki. Zoey and I have got this! We’re going to plan EVERYTHING. All you have to do is show up! So please stop worrying,” Chloe added.

  “But you guys have no idea how messed up things are right now!” I whined. “My mom has taken over and turned it into a complete DISASTER!”

  “Don’t panic! I’m sure the situation is not as bad as it seems,” Zoey exclaimed.

  “I really appreciate everything you guys have done so far. But I think this party is a really BAD idea!” I muttered.

  “Please, just listen, Nikki!” Zoey said. “Put on some SUPERcomfortable clothes. We know the perfect activity that will get rid of all your NEGATIVE energy!”

  “Yeah, and when we’re done, you’re going to feel calm, happy, and TOTALLY relaxed! We’ll be there in ten minutes,” Chloe said.

  “You guys are the best friends EVER!” I gushed.

  I had no idea what they were planning, but I was already starting to feel a lot better. I was SO looking forward to . . .

  Hanging out in my bedroom and bingeing on a gallon of cookie dough ice cream until we were laughing hysterically at all my problems.

  Chillaxing at the spa while being pampered with chocolate face masks and mani-pedis as we munched on fresh strawberries.

  Visiting the CupCakery to PIG OUT on some DELISH red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. . . .

  But I was WRONG! To help me CHILLAX, my friends took me on a very long and intense . . .

  ONE-MILE RUN IN THE PARK! . . .

  MY BFFS AND ME, FINISHING OUR RUN!

  Hey, I love my BFFs, but a gut-busting run in the park was NOT exactly what I had in mind.

  It just aggravated an already BAD situation.

  Not only was my party canceled, but now my stomach was on fire, every inch of my body ached, I felt dizzy, and I was about to throw up!

  “Nikki, we’ll ALWAYS be here for you! No matter what happens!” Zoey said.

  “Now, do you want to tell us what’s wrong?” Chloe asked.

  Then they both gave me a big hug.

  OMG! Right then I felt so frustrated and upset, I almost burst into tears!

  UH-OH! I think I need to stop writing and go check on Brianna. It smells like she’s cooking something again. I’ll just have to finish this diary entry later!

  WHY was I not born an ONLY child?!

  !!

  MONDAY, JUNE 16

  In my last diary entry, Chloe and Zoey had just asked me WHY I wanted to cancel my party. There were SO many reasons, I didn’t know where to start.

  “Well, my mom started planning things, and all her ideas are pretty CRUDDY! She wants to have it in the backyard. But how can I have an island luau party with no water?! It’s not going to be any fun. So I just decided to cancel it. I knew this party was a really stupid idea to begin with. WHAT was I thinking?!” I ranted.

  “WHOA! Just calm down, Nikki,” Chloe said, grabbing my shoulders. “Don’t say that! Birthdays are important! It’s the one day a year that’s all about YOU!”

  “She’s right,” Zoey agreed. “A birthday celebration is too special to just cancel. If we work together, I’m sure we can fix all the problems. So let’s hear the details.”

  “Well, okay! If you insist.” I sniffed. “First, my mom slashed our party budget down to $100!”

  “OUCH! Now that’s a SUPERtight budget!” Zoey frowned. “It’s barely enough for snacks.”

  “It gets worse!” I continued. “Brianna wants to make MY birthday cake. And I’m really worried my mom might actually let her do it if it’ll save money!”

  “How SWEET!” Chloe gushed.

  “I think it’s CUTE that Brianna wants to make your birthday cake!” Zoey giggled.

  I shot them both a dirty look. “NOT if it’s a pizza _ice cream _sushi _pancakes _clam chowder _Skittles _FLAVORED birthday cake! Because THAT’S exactly what she plans to make.”

  “EWW!” Chloe and Zoey gagged.

  Just thinking about it made me throw up in my mouth a little. . . .

  BRIANNA, MAKING MY BIRTHDAY CAKE!

  “OMG! Would a cake with all those weird ingredients be safe for human consumption?!” Zoey wondered aloud.

  “The hospital emergency room bills for your party could be INSANE!” Chloe worried.

  “Well, Brianna’s not even the BIGGEST headache!” I fumed. “Instead of a live band or DJ, my mom wants our elderly neighbor, Mrs. Wallabanger, to provide the music and perform with her backup dancers. Mom loves the idea since it’ll be FREE!”

  “REALLY?!” Chloe said. “I didn’t know Mrs. Wallabanger was in a band. What does she play? And are her dancers hip-hop or street?”

  “That’s exactly the problem!” I grumbled. “Mrs. Wallabanger plays polka on her accordion!”

  “POLKA?!” Chloe and
Zoey exclaimed. “On an ACCORDIAN?!”

  “And she has twenty-four belly dancers, including her best friends, Mildred and Marge!”

  “BELLY DANCERS?!” Chloe and Zoey gasped.

  “YIKES!” Zoey cried. “Just ONE of the things you mentioned is an instant PARTY KILLER! Sorry, Nikki, but it looks like your party is going to be MURDERED at least FOUR times!”

  “I totally agree! And having all those dancing grandmas could be DANGEROUS!” Chloe scowled.

  “Dangerous?! How?” I asked. “Like, one of them could fall and break a hip while they’re dancing?”

  “No! Dangerous because your party could end up on social media as ‘THE WORST PARTY EVER!’ ” Zoey warned.

  “Kids post and share videos of CRUMMY parties as a joke,” Chloe said grimly. “You’d NEVER live that down! Socially, it’s the KISS OF DEATH!”

  Of course I wanted to have a birthday party.

  But the LAST thing I wanted was to be known as the PATHETIC KID who had THE WORST PARTY EVER! How HUMILIATING! . . .

  EVERYONE LAUGHING AT ME AND GOSSIPING ABOUT MY VERY LAME PARTY!

  Chloe and Zoey stared silently at me and then at each other.

  “Well, there’s only ONE thing left to do!” Zoey muttered as she tried to muster a smile.

  “Yeah. It sounds like YOU’RE thinking exactly what I’M thinking!” Chloe agreed.

  I didn’t quite know what they were thinking. But with their vast experience and expertise, I was VERY sure they could save my party.

  I could ALWAYS depend on my BFFs !

  “Okay, Chloe and Zoey. Now that you’ve heard all my problems, what do you think I should do?” I asked hopefully.

  I was totally shocked by their response!

  “CANCEL THE PARTY!” they both exclaimed.

  “WHAT?!” I gasped. “Are you sure?!”

  “Your situation is HOPELESS!” Zoey groaned.

  “Your party will be a DISASTER!” Chloe moaned.

  The fact that THEY were so upset made ME even more upset. My BFFs looked so sad, I thought they were going to cry.

  “We’re so sorry, Nikki!” Zoey sniffed.

  “Maybe we can have a party for you next year,” Chloe muttered.

  “Come on, group hug!” I said, plastering a fake smile across my face. “I’m SO over this party!”

  But as we left the park I suddenly felt a wave of despair and tried to blink back my tears.

  When I first started attending WCD, I was pretty much a social outcast, and I NEVER want to relive that HORROR again. But somehow, what was supposed to be a fun birthday celebration with friends was being TWISTED into a shallow popularity contest and malicious social media event.

  Why was this party stuff so COMPLICATED?! . . .

  It’s really sad! But sometimes kids can be so CRUEL!

  !

  TUESDAY, JUNE 17

  Now that my party was canceled, I expected to feel happy, relieved, and thankful that I’d narrowly avoided an EPIC DISASTER!

  But instead, I was feeling down in the dumps, disappointed, and depressed.

  Chloe didn’t help matters when she called me to ask what I wanted her to do with my invitations now that my party was canceled.

  The thought of getting rid of them after all our hard work made me feel even WORSE. So I just sighed deeply and muttered, “Actually, Chloe, you can BURN them, SHRED them, or BURY them in your backyard! I REALLY don’t care! I’m so OVER my party!”

  Chloe was quiet for a few seconds. Then she said, “Um . . . okay, Nikki. But how about something LESS dramatic? Like, maybe just TOSSING them in the TRASH?”

  “Sorry, Chloe! I owe you an apology. I guess I’m still grumpy about my party being canceled. You can just throw the invites away. And thanks!”

  So I was totally confused when I got a frantic call from her later that afternoon.

  “Hi, Chloe!” I answered. “I’m FINALLY feeling A LOT better. What’s up?”

  “Um . . . about those invitations . . . ,” she replied in a shrill voice. “A funny thing happened in my kitchen today! I went to toss them in the trash just like we discussed. But then my cell phone rang. So I placed the invitations on top of the counter, right next to the trash can. I planned to throw them away right after I answered the phone! I REALLY did!”

  “So WHAT happened?!” I asked impatiently.

  “Well, I left the invitations right there on the counter. Then I walked away to answer my cell phone. It was in my purse in the family room!” . . .

  CHLOE, LEAVING MY PARTY INVITATIONS ON HER KITCHEN COUNTER!

  There was a long and awkward silence. “AND . . . ?” I asked. “Chloe, what happened next?!”

  “And . . . my grandma was on the phone!” she replied. “We talked for an hour about baking cookies, Judge Judy, my plans for the summer—”

  “NO!” I interrupted her. “I mean what happened NEXT to my INVITATIONS?”

  “Well, when I came back . . . ,” Chloe sputtered, “they w-were . . . GONE! I’m SO sorry, Nikki! It’s like they just disappeared into thin air!” . . .

  MY PARTY INVITATIONS DISAPPEAR!!

  “I left your invites right next to our little mail holder that had some bills in it. The bills are gone too. And now I can’t find the mail anywhere!” Chloe exclaimed.

  “Wait a minute! You said that ALL of the mail is missing from the kitchen counter, even your family’s mail that was in the mail holder?!” I asked.

  “Yes! I have some really bad news, Nikki! I think one of my parents might have, you know, um . . . accidentally—”

  “MAILED OUT ONE HUNDRED INVITATIONS TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY THAT I JUST CANCELED?!” I shrieked hysterically.

  “Er . . . something like that! Sorry!” Chloe squeaked. “MY BAD!”

  “Did you check your mailbox yet?!” I asked.

  “That’s a good idea!” Chloe said excitedly. “Maybe someone stuck the mail in our mailbox out front. The good news is that our mailman doesn’t come for another thirty minutes. Nikki, we’re probably freaking out over nothing!”

  “I hope you’re right! I’ll hold on while you go check your mailbox!” I said.

  Chloe gave me a play-by-play over the phone. “Okay, I’m walking out the front door. I’m going down the sidewalk. I see our mailbox. Now I’m opening our mailbox and . . . ! AND . . . !”

  CHLOE, CHECKING HER MAILBOX!

  “And WHAT?! Are my invitations still inside?! CHLOE! Are you still there?! HELLO?! . . .”

  Chloe finally finished her sentence. “AND . . . we can start FREAKING OUT AGAIN! Our mailbox is EMPTY! Your invitations are MISSING!!”

  “NOOO!! This is a total NIGHTMARE!” My head was spinning. “I’m calling Zoey, and we’re coming right over! We need to track down that mail and try to get it back! Before it’s too late!”

  Chloe tried calling her parents. But her mom’s phone went straight to voice mail. And her dad was in an important meeting, so she left a detailed message with his secretary.

  After I explained the situation to Zoey, she cleverly concluded that a large packet of one hundred invites would not have fit inside Chloe’s mailbox. She guessed that Chloe’s mom or dad probably deposited the mail into the blue mailbox closest to their home, which was about four blocks away. So the three of us agreed to meet there.

  When I arrived, Chloe and Zoey were already at the scene. Chloe was visibly upset and on the verge of a meltdown. . . .

  ME, TRYING TO PEEK INTO THE MAILBOX TO SEE IF MY INVITES WERE INSIDE!

  “Oh, CRUD!” I grumbled. “It’s too dark to see anything in there! Does either of you have a flashlight? Or a MATCH? I’m DESPERATE!”

  Zoey raised an eyebrow at me. “Nikki, I know you’re really upset and want all this to go away, but I’m pretty sure setting a mailbox on FIRE is a federal crime! I AGREED to help you find your invitations, NOT serve five years in PRISON with you!”

  “OMG! WE’RE GOING TO PRISON!” Chloe yelled hysterically. “IT’S ALL MY FAULT!!
”

  I frowned. “Actually, setting the mailbox on fire wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. But now that you’ve mentioned it, a harmless little FIRE would get rid of those PESKY invitations! . . .” I thought about it for a moment and then let out a flustered sigh. “Never mind! Bad idea!”

  “I’m SOOO sorry! This is all MY fault!” Chloe whimpered. “I’ll NEVER, EVER get distracted on the phone again! Unless Grandma starts talking about her SUPERdelicious triple chocolate chip cookies again. I can’t help it, guys! I have a serious cookie addiction! And if we end up in PRISON, that’ll be my fault too!! I’m such a HORRIBLE friend!!”

  We tried our best to console Chloe. I know she means well, but whenever she gets riled up, she turns into a major DRAMA QUEEN.

  A man walking his dog down the sidewalk paused to gawk at all the commotion.

  “Nothing to worry about, sir! Nobody’s going to prison!” I assured him. “My friend here just gets REALLY emotional whenever she . . . um . . . sees a MAILBOX.”

  Just as we were about to kick the mailbox, give up hope, and go home, we heard a woman’s voice. “Excuse me, but do you ladies have a problem? Maybe I can help!”

  The three of us turned around and GASPED! We couldn’t believe our eyes. Standing right there beside us was a MAIL LADY!

  And since she was an official postal worker, I was sure she COULD help us ! We excitedly explained how my invitations had accidentally gotten mailed out AFTER I had canceled my birthday party.

  “What an AWFUL situation!” she said, shaking her head sympathetically. “I mostly just service the homes in this area. So, unfortunately, I DON’T collect the mail from these boxes. My coworker, Joe, does that. . . .”

  Disappointed, my BFFs and I groaned loudly.

  “BUT . . . ,” she continued as she winked at us, “I DO have a KEY to the boxes. I’m really not supposed to EVER interfere with mail, but I can see how desperate you are. And I had something like this happen when I was your age! So, ladies, why don’t we take a quick look inside THIS one?”