Dork Diaries 13

by Rachel Renée Russell

  “WHAT did you say?!” Mrs. Wallabanger yelled.

  “Could you lower the volume just a BIT? Then you can BOOGIE DOWN!” I yelled.

  But Mrs. Wallabanger folded her arms and just glared at me.

  “Well, I NEVER!” she huffed. “How dare you call me a BIG BOOTY CLOWN!! Now get off my property!!”

  Then she slammed the door right in my face!

  BAM!!

  I just stood there staring blankly at the door as the music continued to blast.

  Boom-ba-da-boom! Boom-ba-da-boom!

  Since I was still on Mrs. Wallabanger’s property, I decided to check her backyard. I was praying I’d find Brianna and Oliver playing together.

  But no luck!

  As I walked back to my house I noticed what looked like a random trail of crumbs.

  Actually, PINK CRUMBS! It led down our driveway, out to the sidewalk, past our mailbox, and then disappeared.

  Okay, now I was REALLY starting to PANIC!

  I resisted the urge to call my parents and scream,

  “MOM! DAD! BAD NEWS! BRIANNA HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY THAT CANDY WITCH FROM THE HANSEL AND GRETEL FAIRY TALE!! HOW DO I KNOW? IT LOOKS LIKE BRIANNA TRIED TO LEAVE A TRAIL OF CRUMBS TO FIND HER WAY BACK HOME! BUT DAISY MUST HAVE EATEN THEM! WHAT?! NO, THIS ISN’T A PRANK CALL . . . !!”

  Instead, I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down.

  Okay, if I were Brianna and Daisy, WHERE would I go and WHAT would I do?

  I had to get inside their little heads. You know, think like a young, rambunctious, untrained animal and a cute little playful puppy.

  I also had to consider that one of them loves to play in the park with friends. And the other loves to romp around chasing dogs until completely exhausted and then secretly pee in the grass when I’m not looking.

  OMG!

  That always drives me CRAZY!

  No matter how many times I SCOLD Brianna about the importance of using the bathroom BEFORE we go to the dog park, she NEVER listens!

  She’d been nagging me to take her to the dog park for the past three days. But ever since that mix-up with the invitations, I’ve been SUPERbusy addressing postcards to cancel my—

  Wait a minute! Was THAT the answer?!

  The . . . DOG PARK?!

  OMG!

  BRIANNA AND DAISY PROBABLY WENT TO THE DOG PARK!!

  I practically ran the entire three blocks.

  If Brianna WASN’T there, I wouldn’t have a choice but to call my parents and alert them that she was missing.

  Once I arrived, I didn’t see Brianna or Daisy anywhere.

  But there was a large crowd gathered near the drinking fountains. Sometimes local pet stores would hand out free samples of new products in that area.

  Whatever was going on, everyone seemed to be SUPERexcited about it.

  Not only were there a number of people in a long line with their dogs, but an even larger crowd had gathered around a small display.

  Since I couldn’t see very much through the mob of people, I decided to climb up on a nearby picnic table.

  I took one look and almost FAINTED. . . .

  It was BRIANNA!!

  She and Oliver were standing in front of the large crowd with Daisy and Creampuff (Mrs. Wallabanger’s very mean and slightly crazy Yorkie)!

  Both of the dogs wore matching pink scarves around their necks.

  Brianna had covered a park bench with Mom’s pink tablecloth and set up the cutest display for her doggie snacks, complete with homemade signs.

  Only, she had named them Chef Bri-Bri’s Bark Bites and was selling a bag of three snacks for $5.00.

  Yes, $5.00!

  It was UNREAL!!

  NORMAL kids sell lemonade for 25¢ a glass. Brianna was a miniature business tycoon and marketing genius in pigtails and a puppy shirt.

  Oliver was handing out samples to people and their dogs. And after one bite, BOTH were literally BEGGING for more!

  Daisy and Creampuff were busy charming customers with their adorable cuteness. And Brianna was handing out LITTLE bags of Bark Bites and collecting BIG wads of cash!

  Hey, I’m all for little kids having big dreams. But NOT if they’re tricking unsuspecting victims into spending their hard-earned money to eat doggie treats that are probably NOT all that healthy for HUMANS or DOGS!

  I had a really bad feeling that this was NOT going to end well! As Brianna’s older sister, I didn’t have a choice but to put a stop to this before she got in WAY over her head!

  I tried to squeeze through the crowd to get to Brianna, but I was blocked by a big pudgy man and his big pudgy bulldog. They both scowled at me with their big floppy jowls. . . .

  “Hey, you! No cuts!” the man snarled. “I don’t care how badly you want your Bark Bites! The line starts back there! Now take a hike!” He pointed to the end of a long line of about thirty people.

  “Um . . . actually, I’m NOT here to wait in line for Bark Bites,” I stammered.

  That’s when a prissy lady with curly, poofy hair and a curly, poofy –haired dog glared at me. . . .

  “I’m sorry, young lady. But you’re just going to have to WAIT your turn like the rest of us! Cupcake and I have been patiently standing in this line for twenty minutes!” she scolded me.

  “You don’t understand. I’m NOT trying to cut in line for Bark Bites,” I said. “That little girl is my SISTER, and I just need to talk to her!”

  The man scoffed at me. “Nice try, kid! That’s the same thing that teenager with the Chihuahua in her purse said. Only, I’m not falling for that sneaky trick again. Now SCRAM before Meatball here gets upset!”

  Meatball growled, licked his chops, and then stared at me like I was a human-sized, um . . . meatball or something. YIKES !!

  “Hey, Nikki!” Oliver shouted happily as he waved. “It’s a good thing you’re here! I think Brianna could use some help!”

  I rolled my eyes at the two grumpy people in line and rushed over to Brianna and Oliver.

  “Here you go, lady!” Brianna handed a customer her very last bag of Bark Bites. “I hope you AND your dog enjoy them!”

  “We already DID!” the woman said, practically drooling. “We ate the first bag and LOVED ’em! I’m glad we made it back to the park to buy more before you sold out!”

  “SOLD OUT! What do ya mean, SOLD OUT?!” the guy with the bulldog yelled. “YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!”

  “YOU CAN’T BE SOLD OUT! CUPCAKE WILL BE SO VERY DISAPPOINTED! I PROMISED HER BARK BITES!!” the prissy lady screeched.

  The crowd erupted into a loud chorus of groans, gripes, and grumbles.

  Then they started to chant, “WE WANT BARK BITES!! WE WANT BARK BITES!!”

  My initial reaction was to get the heck out of there. Sorry, but I’m very ALLERGIC to ANGRY MOBS!

  The only reason I stayed was because my parents were NOT going to be happy at dinner tonight when I explained to them that I’d left Brianna at the dog park with a large pack of wild, ferocious animals.

  NOT the DOGS!

  Their OWNERS !

  I cautiously took a few steps toward the angry mob and shouted as loud as I could.

  “Everyone, please listen! I’m really sorry, but all the Bark Bites have been sold! This business is now closed. PERMANENTLY!”

  “Says WHO?!” Brianna shot back. “You’re NOT the boss of me, Nikki! We’re not out of business until I SAY we’re out of business!”

  Then she climbed on top of the table to address her horde of disgruntled customers.

  “Hey, people! Can I have your attention? You can STILL get your delicious Bark Bites! Just fill out an order form and I’ll get them to you ASAP. Or you can buy them . . . online at my . . . er, website, Chef Bri-Bri’s Bark Bites!” . . .

  BRIANNA, ANNOUNCING HER NEW BARK BITES BUSINESS?!

  I couldn’t believe my sister was LYING to all those people like that. She did NOT have a website.

  Heck, she didn’t even know how to SPELL “website”!

>   I shot her a dirty look and hissed under my breath, “Brianna! WHAT are you talking about?! You DON’T have a website!!”

  She giggled nervously, cleared her throat, and continued. “Um . . . actually, I meant to say, you can visit my Chef Bri-Bri’s Bark Bites website, which I’ll be opening. One day. Very soon. Probably!”

  Then she plastered an innocent smile across her face and shrugged like she was just a little confused about the whole website issue.

  The entire crowd erupted into cheers!

  Then there was a wild stampede to the stack of order forms that Brianna had written in her sloppy handwriting.

  Oliver, Brianna, and I had to dive behind the table to avoid the wild crush of happy humans and delighted dogs.

  We gave out order forms until all of them were gone.

  Then people started handing us small scraps of paper so we could write down the name of Brianna’s nonexistent website.

  That she was going to open.

  One day. Very soon.

  Probably!

  People were so desperate to get their hands on Chef Bri-Bri’s Bark Bites that many of them actually prepaid for their orders.

  By the time the large crowd finally cleared out, Brianna’s little red wagon was overflowing with five-dollar bills.

  OMG! It looked like she had robbed a bank or something! . . .

  BRIANNA’S WAGONLOAD OF MONEY!

  Luckily, Brianna had brought her backpack, so we stuffed the money and order forms inside it.

  Honestly, I have no idea how Brianna plans to fill all those orders for Bark Bites. And she needs a website, like, YESTERDAY!

  As much as I’d LOVE to help her, I have my own problems to deal with.

  Maybe Mom will help her out. Or it could be the perfect project for her Scout troop to earn their kiddie business tycoon merit badges.

  Anyway, tomorrow Chloe, Zoey, and I will meet to work on the postcards we’ll be sending out to all my guests to let them know that my birthday party has been canceled.

  Zoey says that if we mail them out no later than Tuesday, everyone will have them by Thursday.

  Then this birthday nightmare will finally be over!

  !!

  MONDAY, JUNE 23

  Trying to come up with a letter to explain why my birthday party was being CANCELED was a lot harder than I thought it would be. . . .

  Dear *Insert Name of Party Guest*,

  I am very sorry to inform you that, due to circumstances beyond my control, my birthday party has officially been canceled. I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused and assure you that I’m actually doing everyone a HUGE favor. Eating a slice of my nasty pizza–ice cream–sushi–pancakes–clam chowder–Skittles–flavored birthday cake while being forced to watch a bunch of little old ladies belly dance to accordion music would have more than likely induced projectile vomiting along with irreversible psychological trauma. If you have any questions, complaints, or just want to yell at someone for totally ruining your weekend, please feel free to contact my social director, Chloe Garcia.

  Sincerely,

  Nikki Maxwell

  Okay, I’ll admit my letter was a little harsh. To CHLOE! Although it was HER fault the invites had gotten mailed out, throwing her under the bus by making her deal with the birthday BACKLASH was probably unfair.

  “Bonjour, dah-ling!” A familiar voice interrupted my thoughts. JUST GREAT ! . . .

  IT WAS CHEF BRI-BRI! AGAIN!

  “WHAT are you doing here in MY café? Do you have a reservation?” she asked rather rudely.

  “Actually, the last time I checked, I was sitting at the table in MY kitchen,” I shot back.

  “No, dah-ling, THIS is a business! And we have a very strict NO-LOITERING-ALLOWED policy. So unless you want to request a reservation, GOOD-BYE! SORRY!”

  I just rolled my eyes at her. I REFUSED to wait three months for a table. “No thanks. I’m leaving!” I answered.

  “WAIT!” she said. “Let’s make a deal. I really need a website. If you make one for me, I’ll pay you with Bark Bites AND you can hang out in my café. Zat sounds like a good deal, yes?”

  “NO!” I grumped. “I’m out of here! SORRY!”

  “WAIT!” she said again. “What if I pay you with . . . MONEY?”

  She reached into her pocket, pulled out a stack of five-dollar bills, and waved it right in front of my face, back and forth and back and forth like she was trying to hypnotize me or something.

  Suddenly, Chef Bri-Bri had my undivided attention!

  “Um . . . OKAY! I’m listening!” I muttered.

  “Everyone LOVES my delicious Bark Bites! Dogs AND humans can’t resist them,” Chef Bri-Bri explained. “I’m going to be SO rich that I can buy a BABY UNICORN! But I need a business partner. If you help me, YOU can be SUPERrich too, dah-ling!”

  Actually, THAT was the most RIDICULOUS thing I’d ever heard.

  I realize we all have hopes and dreams, including my bratty little sister. But COME ON! Some things are just beyond the realm of possibility.

  Everyone knows BABY UNICORNS don’t exist! . . .

  BRIANNA BUYS A BABY UNICORN?!

  The only thing MORE unbelievable than this was the fact that I’d just been offered an opportunity to make some cold hard cash. I pulled out my calculator and quickly added up all the Bark Bites money and orders. It was a total of $970! After expenses, if we split the money fifty-fifty, we’d each have a profit of about $400.

  OMG! That was enough money to pay for the swimming pool and almost everything else for my birthday party ! And maybe we can sell even more!

  “Okay, Chef Bri-Bri! You’ve got yourself a deal!”

  She gave me a firm handshake and a big smile. “Welcome to the Bark Bites business, dah-ling!”

  I took a cute photo of Daisy with my phone and had a website up and running in about an hour. . . .

  CHEF BRI-BRI’S BARK BITES WEBSITE!

  Brianna and I spent the rest of the day diligently working together on our new business.

  We rode our bicycles to the store to purchase ingredients and small plastic bags, ribbon, labels, and small boxes.

  Back at home, while she baked with her Lil’ Chef oven, I used the much larger kitchen oven. Each cookie sheet held two dozen snacks, so it only took a few hours to bake and frost enough doggie snacks to fill all the orders.

  The final step was to get them ready to be mailed to customers.

  I printed mailing address labels on the computer, and then we placed the bags of doggie snacks into boxes.

  Somehow, Brianna ended up with more mailing labels stuck on her than on the shipping boxes.

  Daisy helped out too and cleaned up any snacks that we accidentally dropped on the floor! . . .

  DAISY, HELPING OUT BY KEEPING THE FLOOR CLEAN!

  Our Bark Bites business venture was a lot of work, but I decided to look on the bright side.

  Every order I boxed up was another step closer to my SUPERamazing, SUPERepic PAR-TAY!!

  It was Brianna’s idea to check our new website to see if any more orders had come in.

  We were shocked to see that a dozen new orders had been placed in just the few hours since the website had been set up.

  SQUEEEEEE !!

  By the time my mom got home from work, everything was ready to be mailed.

  And get this! She actually said she was really PROUD of our teamwork!

  I was SO relieved Mom wasn’t MAD that we’d set up a whole business without asking first if it was okay.

  Plus, we needed her PayBuddy account password so we could process the orders from everyone!

  Mom offered to mail off the orders for us at the post office on her way to work tomorrow morning.

  This was really good news because I never wanted to see another mail room AGAIN!

  Especially since I STILL had nightmares about Chloe, Zoey, and me crashing into that mail room worker! We’d literally knocked the poor guy right out of his shoes!

/>   Anyway, as planned, my BFFs came over after dinner to help me write out the postcards to CANCEL my party.

  They were understandably a little grumpy about the whole thing.

  I could barely contain my excitement about the huge SURPRISE I had for them! . . .

  ME, SHOWING MY BFFS THE CASH TO PAY FOR MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!

  Chloe and Zoey were so shocked and happy, they started screaming!

  We did a group hug and excitedly resumed our party planning.

  I now have enough cash for the swimming pool payment, which is due on Wednesday.

  Although Chef Bri-Bri, pastry chef to the stars, is a little KA-RAY-ZEE, I’m happy she offered me a business deal I couldn’t refuse.

  I’m really proud of my little sister! I’m sure she’s going to be a millionaire by the time she’s ten years old!

  Since my party is back on again, my BFFs and I decided to meet at the Party Palace tomorrow at noon to shop for decorations and supplies.

  I’m SO excited, I can hardly wait!

  SQUEEEEEEE!!

  !!

  TUESDAY, JUNE 24

  Every time I visit the Party Palace, I’m totally AMAZED! Not only is it a HUMONGOUS store, but it has EVERY party theme imaginable!

  For EVERY occasion!

  For EVERY age group!

  In just about EVERY color!

  And today we were shopping there for MY birthday party! SQUEEEEE !!

  I had decided to drop off the payment for the swimming pool on my way to the store when I ran into my friend Violet.

  When she found out I didn’t have a DJ for my party yet, she actually offered to do it as a special birthday gift to me!

  I was SO happy, I gave her a big hug! Violet has an AWESOME collection of all the coolest music, and she was the DJ for our big Halloween party at school.

  Anyway, thanks to our booming Bark Bites sales and my mom generously agreeing to pay for the cake, punch, pizza, and snacks, my BFFs and I now had $200 (safely tucked in my back pocket) to spend on cool decorations and partyware.

  Near the entrance of the store was a large display of KA-RAY-ZEE party hats. Chloe and Zoey grabbed a huge plastic crown with colorful, blinking lights that blasted the “Happy Birthday” song, and they DARED me to wear it!