Would I Lie to You

by Mary Lou Dickinson

  A breeze wafted through the leaves. Jerry seemed close by, throwing a Frisbee up into the air as he had the last time they had been to Stratford, almost as if it were happening now. A moment carved in time. She could remember that day and the sense there was something eternal about what had lasted less than a minute. Perhaps love was all that was eternal. Soon, she would be at a ceremony in a church where the solemn vows of matrimony would be taken. This was a day Jerry should have been alive to share. Instead, she would go alone and she dreaded it. But had Jerry been there, she felt there would have been a coolness between them, an argument brewing. One they would never have and one she felt ought to have happened.

  There were nametags in small holders at each setting on the long table. As Sue had suspected, her place was with Martin and Emily. He would sit in the middle with the two women on either side. She put her purse on her chair and looked around to see if they had arrived yet. Instead, she saw Thomas beckon and went over to talk with him.

  “This is Sue,” he said to the young woman beside him who was clearly Kate.

  “Hello, Kate,” Sue said, taking the young woman’s hand. “I’m delighted to meet you.”

  “Thomas has talked so much about you,” Kate said.

  Just as Sue was about to say something more, a young couple came in and threw their arms around Kate. She tried to introduce them as her brother and sister-in-law, but the words were lost in the general rush of other people arriving. Sue backed away and returned to her table to find Emily standing there, ready to pull out her chair.

  “Hello,” she said. “I’m glad to see you.”

  Sue smiled. “Me, too.”

  “Martin is hanging up our jackets. He’ll be right here.”

  They both seemed at a loss for words then. Emily moved to put a glass of white wine on the table and to sit down. “How was the drive?” she asked.

  Sue said that it had been uneventful, that she had had a picnic in the park. Then, she had settled in at her lodgings. “Up above the river in a quiet, residential neighbourhood.”

  “We made good time,” Emily said. “Martin went into the office before we left. He had some files to go over. But we did get here in time to have a quick nap at the hotel. We had a late night last night, but I don’t suppose we have to stay too late tonight, do you?”

  “No,” Sue said. “I wouldn’t think so.” She was surprised by Emily’s candour. At that moment, Martin came up and gave her a kiss on each cheek.

  “We’re so glad you’re here,” he said. “We must try to see each other more often without having to have an excuse. How have you been?”

  “Most of the time, quite well,” Sue said. “I’m glad to be teaching again. There are times I think I might like to spend more time painting though.” She shrugged slightly.

  Other people began to take their seats. Martin pulled out his chair and sat down between Sue and Emily. They introduced themselves to a young couple almost across from them who turned out to be part of Kate’s family. Just as they began to chat, Thomas brought Florence over to their table. There was a slight commotion as he looked for her nametag and then found it right across from Martin.

  “Oh my dears,” she said. “How glad I am to see you.”

  She had been to her hotel to have a nap and a splash, as she put it. And to freshen her lipstick.

  “And now it’s time to begin the celebration.”

  “Isn’t Kate wonderful?” Emily said.

  Heads nodded.

  “A toast,” a male voice called out.

  Clinking glasses. “Kiss,” someone else called. “Kiss, kiss…” Voices joined in the chorus. Kate and Thomas took their places next to each other at the head of the table. They kissed shyly. More wine was poured.

  *

  Sue was surprised at how emotional she felt during the wedding service the next day. She was transported back to her and Jerry’s wedding as they stood in the late afternoon sunshine on the island. Jerry, too, had shown that sudden flash of emotion. Sue had known how seriously he had taken their marriage, but perhaps not till then had she realized how deep his emotions ran. He had told her afterwards it was his happiness mixed with memory of his first marriage, when, within months, he had seen the young woman he had loved tossed into the air and thrown to the pavement. Dead on arrival at the hospital. With those memories rising to the surface, he had cried on his and Sue’s wedding night with tears that sent his body into spasms.

  “This isn’t something to do with you,” he had said. “I love you.” She had held onto him until, exhausted, he had fallen asleep. That first night of their life together as husband and wife had been disconcerting. He had slept for hours, and finally, she had lain against him and slept also.

  When Thomas had tears at a crucial moment in the ceremony, grasping for the words he needed, Sue pressed her lips together. She watched with relief as he turned to Kate and found her smiling. Then, his voice rose from a whisper and he said his vow in a strong tone.

  “I, Thomas, take you, Kate….”

  Kate’s long hair was held in place by a pearly hairpiece set on top of her veil. Sue could see her red cheeks and a small mole on the side of her neck.

  She now watched Jerry’s son repeat his vows. Florence beamed. And when the ceremony was finished and before the reception an hour later, Florence agreed readily to a drive around town. She showed Sue the brick house on Britannia Street where Jerry had grown up and the one around the corner on Mornington where she had.

  “I don’t think I’ll ever understand why Jerry didn’t see his son,” Sue said.

  “Joanna Crossar didn’t want to marry him,” Florence said. “She didn’t love him. She didn’t want to make his life difficult. She asked him never to contact her directly. It was her decision about the child, that he shouldn’t see his father.”

  “Why did Jerry accept such conditions?”

  “He was confused,” Florence said. “He was hurt. He could have made it into a legal struggle, but he decided that wouldn’t be in anyone’s best interests.”

  “I still don’t understand why he didn’t tell me.”

  “I expect he knew you’d never accept those conditions. You would have wanted him to know his child. You would have insisted that it was good for Thomas. Even though you never had or wanted children, you knew what would be good for them.”

  “Is that what he told you?” Sue asked.

  “Not in so many words.”

  “I guess it makes as much sense as any other reasons I’ve come up with,” Sue said. Yet, at times, the thought she had been married to a stranger still haunted her. Maybe this was what Hans meant when he talked about not fastening her disappointment on him. Fortunately, she had not.

  “It makes me wonder if he had other secrets,” she said.

  “I don’t think there would have been any big ones. Anything else I suspect was oversight.”

  “It just totally confuses me to find that something so immense could have been there all the time. Surely I would have noticed something that big even though it was only a shadow.”

  “Maybe you didn’t want to.”

  “Maybe.” Once again, her own secret thrust itself into her awareness, as she thought she might have been glad Jerry had not been interested in his child because that would have allowed her to keep her secret from him. As she had been sworn to do — to keep her secret from all prying eyes. And she had been silent for so long that sometimes she actually forgot it. Oversight, she thought. Is that what her own deception had been? She hardly thought so but she carried on about Jerry as if he ought to have done what she had not been able to. “I don’t know.”

  “Well, let’s enjoy this day,” Florence said, eyeing Sue with a piercing look, as if she might even suspect something. “I think it’s time for the reception.”

  They proceeded to the patio of Kate’s parents’ hom
e where Thomas made sure Sue had a chance to chat with his new family and they treated her warmly as they had at the rehearsal dinner. Kate also made sure that Sue met everyone. Then, took her aside for a short walk down to a pond where goldfish, bright orange flashes in the sunlight, flitted between rocks. There was a gnome at the edge with a red hat, green jacket, and a fishing pole.

  “Make a wish,” Kate said.

  “I wish you a long and happy marriage.”

  “Make one for yourself, too,” Kate said. “You can keep this one a secret.”

  Sue could not think of what else to wish for, except that Jerry might be there, but what point was there in a wish like that? She wished at least to feel that he was aware of this moment. Hans had talked in terms of guardian angels.

  “You have a good one,” he had told her. “Someone who has passed on.”

  Well, they both knew who that was.

  “Sure we know,” Hans had said. “But he didn’t have to take on that role for you. He could have moved to some other realm.”

  Oh sure, Sue thought. Oh sure. But at this wedding, in this garden, she felt Jerry’s presence. And then another presence. Her own daughter. She must be out there somewhere, living through all of life’s experiences. Weddings. Births. Did she resent that she had been abandoned?

  “This certainly is a beautiful spot,” she said now to Kate.

  It was then that Sue saw, on the other side of the pond, a canopy over a cake with two tiny swans under a small white arbour. She made her way over to the cake for a closer look. The swans were set on a mirror on top of the cake and seemed to be both upright and floating beneath the mirror’s surface in a circle of tiny coloured flowers.

  “Oh my.” So this was the motif that Hans had said would reflect peace. It was these swans he must have seen. When Kate rejoined Thomas, Sue watched the young man move with his bride to place the first cut in the cake. He felt like her son now. Or, at the very least, someone like a son. But instead of feeling happy, she felt guilty.

  When she looked around, Sue saw Martin watching her. With a small gesture, he indicated that he knew she had caught him. It was not one of those looks that sought an answer, but rather a speculative one. One that suggested he could not figure her out or where any of this might be going.

  He came over to her and smiled warmly. “Lovely wedding,” he said.

  “Yes,” she smiled back. “Where’s Emily?”

  “I think she must have gone to the washroom. But I’ve wanted to speak with you on my own. It’s been a while since we’ve talked.”

  “Yes.”

  “I think we’ll enjoy this new family, don’t you?”

  “They’re very welcoming.”

  “That they are. I’d like to suggest…” but, he stopped abruptly as Emily appeared beside him.

  “How long are you staying?” she asked Sue.

  “Overnight. What about you?”

  “We’re going to head back fairly soon. I wish you’d come and visit us in the next few days. We’ve missed you.”

  Sue was startled. This was not something she had expected, especially after the opportunity for saying so had already been there at the rehearsal dinner.

  “I’ve been busy. Teaching, you know. All that involves. I’m sorry if it has felt as if I’m neglecting you. It’s probably a good time to invite both of you to dinner.”

  Now it was Emily who showed surprise. “Well,” she said after a moment’s hesitation. “That would be lovely.”

  Martin took out a handkerchief and blew his nose. “Allergies,” he said. “Emily, I started to suggest to Sue that we invite the children in for dinner when they get settled.”

  “The children?” Emily said. “Oh yes. The children.”

  “I’ll call you,” Sue said.

  Emily nodded, her face warm and expectant. “You know, if you’ve met someone it would be lovely to meet him. You don’t have to hide anything from us because of Jerry. You deserve to be happy. You took good care of Jerry and you loved him.”

  Sue was speechless and blushed. Had Emily or Martin seen Hans? Or was this the natural expectation about her circumstances?

  “Thanks, Emily. I’ll bear it in mind.”

  “Well, you never responded to any of our suggestions that we include some eligible man in gatherings.”

  “I wasn’t ready then.” She was not about to give any information. This was the plight of the other woman, she knew, and she did not like it. There was no one she felt she could tell about Hans. This secretive life no longer suited her. But, she had not cheated on Jerry. Now he was dead and she was free to make her own choices, even ones that surprised her.

  “I have been seeing someone from time to time,” Sue said with relief. “Trouble is, he’s married. I wouldn’t say so to anyone but you two.”

  Martin took in a deep breath and almost choked on it, coughing loudly. To Sue’s surprise, Emily smiled. It could have been a relieved smile or it could have been a triumphant one.

  *

  As Kate put her hand on the knife to cut the cake, Thomas looked around at the wedding guests.

  “Thomas,” she whispered his name. He turned and reached out to put his hand on top of hers.

  Would she comment later that he had seemed distracted? Thomas wondered. Sometimes, she became irritated with him and he was not sure what it was about, but it was usually fleeting. The train of her dress flowed from her waist, her hair hanging to her shoulders. She seemed almost always to be smiling. Her mother said she had been like that from early childhood, the optimist in the family. Most of the time that pleased him. Oh, Mom, Thomas thought, you’d love her.

  He put a bit of pressure on Kate’s hand and the knife slipped down through the icing and cake to the plate beneath. He could feel something sticking to his thumb.

  “What’s the matter?” she asked.

  He licked his thumb as surreptitiously as he could. She wriggled her nose and smiled at the sight. As he leaned in to kiss her, he heard clapping. Kate sighed and Thomas could feel her shoulders relax. Music drifted out through the French doors onto the patio. He looked around to find Sue watching them. He felt unexpectedly resentful that she was the only one alive to be there. His children would never know their grandparents. This stranger would be all he could offer.

  “Let’s enjoy ourselves,” Kate said as if she sensed his tension. “It’s our day.”

  He hugged her more tightly. “Of course,” he murmured.

  He felt a light touch on his shoulder and looked up to find Sue standing there. His body became rigid. “Please,” he whispered.

  “I wanted to wish you happiness,” Sue said. “And to say how wonderful you both look.”

  “My mother should be here,” Thomas said.

  Sue flinched and stepped back.

  “Thomas,” Kate said, touching his arm.

  “I’m sorry,” Thomas said. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I had an image of Mom’s face.”

  “I wish she could be here, too,” Sue said.

  “I wish I’d met Thomas’s Mom. She sounds like such a courageous person,” Kate said. “And I’m glad you’re here, Sue.”

  Thomas tried to think of something welcoming to say, but he wished Sue would stop intruding. It felt as if she did not quite belong and he would be more comfortable if she faded into the background. Her eyes flickered nervously and he thought she was probably as uncomfortable about her presence as he was. His mother might even have liked her. “Yes,” he said.

  Sue nodded and moved away to a canopy over a long table covered with a white cloth. He watched her merge with others, taking a glass with wine in it from someone.

  “Thomas,” Kate said. “I love you.”

  He smiled. “Me, too.”

  They were surrounded once more with friends taking photographs and collecting their
pieces of cake.

  “And soon we get to dance,” Kate said.

  Thomas had a sudden flash of horror of missing some steps in the waltz sequence they had learned for the wedding, but did not say so. Instead, he sniffed in the gentle scent of his bride’s hair. He would fumble through those steps and she would never know how difficult that was for him. Leading her out onto the patio where the music would soon invite everyone to join them, he thought she would never know how much he dreaded dancing.

  *

  The mattress in the old brick house in Stratford sagged slightly in the middle. A ceiling fan circulated slowly above the bed. Sue lay between the grey-and-white striped sheets, thinking about Thomas’s eyes following her at the wedding. At times it had felt as if he were blaming her for the absence of his parents, finding her presence unwelcome. Surely he knew that she did not want to be his mother. She wondered if the time would ever come when he would simply accept her.

  Turning on the radio on the night table, she found it set to a station where news came on right away. There were reports on crime and arson was suspected in a house fire. Reaching for the knob, she turned off the string of stories that connected her to a world she did not want to know so much about at that moment. After a while, she drifted off to sleep and images of Jerry’s childhood in this town flowed past her eyes like the reel of an old movie. Then came dreams that made no sense to her. She opened the trunk of a new white van to discover there was no spare tire. She asked the salesman about it. He shrugged — if she needed a spare, he would see she got one. He spoke as if it did not matter, as if only a fool would not be able to manage a flat tire on a crowded highway or on some deserted road in the country without anything to fall back on. When she woke up, it was so hot and muggy that even the gentle whirring of the fan provided no relief.

  As she sat on the veranda after a full breakfast of bacon and eggs, Sue was relieved to feel a breeze. The host of the bed and breakfast brought coffee. Tiny, about Sue’s age, with curly tawny hair and a nose with one nostril that was slightly larger than the other, the woman spoke with an Irish accent.