Home Again

by Fisher, Lisa

“It’s hard to trust people, Ms. Carter. Especially for someone in your position.”

  “Yeah.”

  “But, sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith.”

  “I appreciate the sentiment, Doc, but I don’t think today’s going to be that day.” I smirked. “Time up?”

  She looked at her watch again. “Ms. Carter, you know you’re always free to go. I do have to warn you that you’ve only been in here ten minutes.”

  Ten minutes too long. “Sorry.”

  “If you don’t want to talk about your friends. How about we talk about the group session you attended?”

  I groaned. “You know about that?”

  “Jamie called me. She said you didn’t stay long.”

  “It was stupid.”

  “Why would you say that?”

  I shrugged, not wanting to explain myself. Anything I said she would just find a way to use against me.

  “Okay, I guess you don’t want to talk about that either.” She looked agitated. I wondered if she was getting as tired of our sessions as I was.

  “Tell me about how you did this week, meal-wise?”

  My jaw tightened.

  “Did you miss any?”

  “No,” I lied easily.

  She wasn’t fooled, though. The look on her face told me that. “How does that make you feel?”

  I thought psychologists only said that line in movies. “I feel fine.”

  “It’s okay if you don’t.”

  “Good to know,” I shot sarcastically.

  Dr. Tinsley pursed her lips. “How much do you weigh?”

  My eyes darted to hers in surprise. “Excuse me?”

  “How much do you weigh?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t weigh myself.”

  “Ever?”

  “Well, sometimes.”

  “When was the last time, Ms. Carter?”

  What was I, transparent? Or had she just mastered the art of mind reading? “This morning,” I said honestly.

  “What did the scale say?”

  That I’m fat. No. I’m not fat, I’m healthy. “115.”

  “Are you happy with that?”

  No. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “Because sometimes we are harder on ourselves, than anyone else is.”

  “I’m not that hard on myself,” I lied again. “115 is healthy.”

  I’m not fat, I’m healthy…

  “I know that, but do you believe it?”

  Standing abruptly, I checked my watch. “I have to go.”

  “We were just starting to make some progress. You’re supposed to be back on tour in six weeks, and if you’re going to do that, you need to start staying for entire session each week.”

  “Next week, for sure.” I gritted my teeth. I’d rather shoot myself than sit here for another minute.

  “See you then.”

  With a quick smile, I was out the door, to anywhere else but here…

  ***

  “Are we going to talk about your birthday, Becks?” I laughed, plopping down on her queen sized bed.

  She groaned. “How many times do I have to apologize?”

  “Let’s see, how many views did that video get, John?” I looked over at John, who only grunted, never lifting his gaze from his cell phone.

  “You should be thanking my ass, Ais. I told you you’d be playing again in no time, didn’t I?” She gave me a smart look. “So there.”

  “Yeah, thanks for the gentle push,” I joked. “What do you want to do today?” I came straight here from my appointment, wanting something to distract me from the growing pit in my stomach. From my ridiculous insecurities.

  She shrugged. “I have to work at five.”

  “Why don’t we take advantage of the heat?”

  “What do you have in mind?” Her eyes twinkled.

  “The lake,” we both said at the same time with a laugh.

  “Is it okay if I call up East?” she asked.

  “I guess I haven’t told you… we’re kind of, um…” I trailed off, not knowing how to label us.

  “You’re sleeping with him?” She gasped.

  A blush spread. “Becks!”

  “Sorry. I just don’t believe it! He didn’t say anything yesterday at work.”

  He didn’t? Maybe I was making too much of this thing we had. I tried to shrug it off. “It’s not a big deal, Becks. We’re just having some fun until I leave.”

  “Oh, no. That is a bad idea, Aisley.” She shook her head disapprovingly.

  “No, it’s not.”

  “You’re going to get your heart broken and so is East. This will never end well, and you know that.”

  So what if I knew that? I was going to enjoy every second I spend with East, whether Becks approved or not.

  “Just call him up and let’s go, before I melt in this heat!” I said, choosing to ignore the thing she said about broken hearts.

  “Fine, but don’t say I didn’t tell you so.”

  I wouldn’t. Because East and I could so do casual. And in six weeks, we’d say goodbye, stay friends, and I told myself it wouldn’t hurt like last time.

  If only I could admit to myself that I was lying…

  ***

  Chapter 9

  The next three weeks went by like a swift wind. I felt every second of it, but it was gone faster than I expected. That’s what being around Easton did to me. He had the ability to make time stand still and move at lightning speed at the exact same time.

  This time three weeks from now, I’d be in Seattle. Then Vancouver. Then Portland. Then wherever else I was performing.

  Miles away from the boy who stole my heart at twelve years old and never gave it back.

  Miles away from home.

  The place I convinced myself I wouldn’t miss. The place where dreams died.

  But, I would miss it. Because like people say, ‘home is where the heart is’, and my heart would forever be with Easton Everson—and there was nothing I could do about it.

  For the last three weeks, everything had been perfect. Well, aside from Monday’s. I’d go to my appointments every week, like clockwork, still irritated that it was an obligation. Still waiting for everyone to see that I didn’t need to be there.

  Every other day though, was perfection. I was either with Becks or Easton—or both. We spent our days in the lake swimming or pretending we knew how to fish, or at the restaurant, or just bumming around town. It felt like I had never left.

  Saturday nights were spent at the park, watching old movies. And about every other night, East would sneak up the trellis and in through my window to spend the night with me, making love to me, holding me as if I would be in his arms forever. Now with only three weeks left, I felt like I was carrying around a ticking time bomb.

  “Come here, rock star!” Becks shouted, doing a cannon ball in the lake.

  I rolled my eyes and dove in after her. “Shit! I never expect it to be that cold.”

  “It always is,” she said with a laugh. “Wasn’t East supposed to meet us here an hour ago?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I wonder what’s up.”

  “Maybe his shift at the restaurant ran late.” She swam back to the shore, getting ready to jump in again.

  “Yeah.”

  “Ais, I really missed this place. Have I told you I’m glad you’re back?”

  I chuckled tracing her path back to the shore. “East told me you stopped coming out here.”

  Becks shrugged. “It wasn’t the same after you left.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Stop it. We should make a drinking game out of how much you say that.”

  “It would be a good idea if you were able to handle your booze,” I joked back.

  “Yeah, well, that’s probably a good thing. At least I know I’ll never be an alcoholic.”

  I nodded, with a laugh. “True.”

  “I’m going to call East and see where he’s at, okay?”

  “Okay.” I grabbed my water
bottle and took a swig, wiping the sweat off my brow. My gaze fell over to John, and his place in the shade. “How are you dressed like that?”

  He looked down at his jeans and black t-shirt and shrugged. “It’s my job.”

  I rolled my eyes. So far, nothing had happened. Less than nothing, even. I hadn’t seen one camera take my picture, which was really odd. John had a really boring job.

  “He’s working late,” Becks said, walking back toward me. “He’ll call later.”

  “Well, ready to call it a day then?” I asked, wanting to go back to my air-conditioned home.

  “Yeah,” she said. “I’m going to faint.” Then her eyes darted to mine apologetically. “Shit. I’m sorry.”

  “There’s that word again.” I laughed uncomfortably. We still hadn’t talked about that elephant, and I was hoping it wouldn’t come up again.

  “You haven’t wanted to talk about it, and I get it… but I really want to be there for you.”

  “You are, Becks.”

  “I don’t even know what’s true, Aisley. I mean, the magazines printed everything from dehydration, to anorexic, to crack whore.”

  I laughed nervously. “Look, I’m obviously not a crack whore.”

  “But you are a little skinny.”

  I wrapped my arms around my body instinctively. “That doesn’t mean anything. Ninety-nine percent of what you read in those things is garbage. Don’t worry, I’m fine.”

  “Whatever you say.” She shrugged. I was thankful when she dropped it with that.

  And for whatever reason, Easton didn’t climb up my window that night, and he never called.

  ***

  Chapter 10

  The scale in the bathroom was gone. Like, someone took it out of the bathroom, gone. “Mom? Mom!”

  “For heaven’s sake, Aisley, you aren’t a child, so quit yelling like the house is on fire.” My mom came out of her bedroom, frowning. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” I said, realizing it would be a weird question to ask her. “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve been crying.”

  She shook her head. “It’s nothing, sweetie. Just grown up stuff.”

  I gave her a dumb look. “Well, I’m a grown up.” Somehow, having to say that made me feel more like a child than I ever felt. When she didn’t respond I gave up. “Whatever, do you know what happened to the scale?”

  Her brows furrowed. “No. Why do you need it?”

  “Just making sure I’m healthy enough for touring. Three weeks!” I pumped my fist in the air dramatically, hoping she bought it.

  “It’s always there, so I have no idea. Do you think it was stolen?” she gasped.

  Sometimes my mother was such a ditz. “Yeah, Mom. Someone came in, left everything else, and stole only our scale.” I rolled my eyes. Great, now I had to go buy a new one. I stomped away before she could reply.

  “John! Let’s go,” I called through the house. I found him in the kitchen eating a sandwich. “We have to go into town.”

  He chuckled.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Just the term into town.” He shrugged. “It’s funny.”

  “Are you high?”

  He gave me a stern look. “Are you?”

  “Gaahh!” Sometimes he was infuriating, with his damn question-dodging mind games.

  John laughed. “Jesus kid, don’t have a stroke. I was kidding.”

  “Whatever. I have to buy something from Wal-Mart.”

  “All right let’s go.” He jumped up, sandwich in hand, and made his way to the front door.

  “Hey, can we stop somewhere on the way?”

  “You’re the boss.”

  I gave John the directions to Easton’s house. My heart started racing as soon as I was on his street. A thousand memories swam through my mind. I spent a lot of my childhood at Easton’s.

  “Just wait here, I’ll only be a minute,” I told John, as I got out.

  “Just don’t sneak out the back—that’s all I ask.”

  I gave him a look and shook my head. Standing in front of his house, I remembered the first time East told me how he felt about me. His parents were out of town, so Becks and I came over to spend the night. We were fifteen, at the time, and Becks and I forced East to watch three chick flicks in a row.

  “Carter, I will die if you make me watch another one of these,” East sighed, giving me puppy dog eyes.

  “Don’t give me that, East. You know you love them,” I teased.

  “Come on, Becks is asleep. Let’s watch The Lord of the Rings.”

  I laughed. “We will not be watching that, you nerd.” We were sitting shoulder-to-shoulder on his living room couch, and Becks was passed out in the recliner.

  “Please.” He stuck his bottom lip out.

  “You are such a baby, Easton.”

  “Is that a yes?”

  “Fine, but if I fall asleep and drool all over you, I don’t want to hear one word about it.”

  “Deal.” He stuck his hand out so we could shake on it. When we touched, his eyes never left mine, and our hands stayed in that position for a full minute.

  Butterflies.

  “East?”

  “Yeah?” He came close to me. I hoped he was going to kiss me.

  Kiss me. “Uh—”

  “I think… I like you, Carter. I mean, I LIKE you.”

  My face turned beat red. Did Easton Everson just tell me he liked me?

  “Ais?”

  “I think I like you, too, East.”

  “Can I… kiss you?” he asked nervously.

  I had never been kissed before. I nodded slowly. He brought his lips down on mine softly, and it was the most perfect feeling in the world.

  I brought my hand down and knocked on the Everson’s door. I hadn’t been here since I’d been home. I should have come to say hi to Judy by now, and give her my condolences, but I hadn’t. That would have made it too real. The fact that East’s dad was gone wasn’t comprehendible to me. That man was a father to all three of us kids, and without him, I wouldn’t be the same person I was today. Guilt settled in my empty gut, thinking about Ralph.

  “Oh my goodness! Aisley Marie!” Judy wrapped me up in her arms. “Easton told me you were back. I was wondering when you were going to come around here.”

  “Sorry it took so long, Judy.”

  “It’s okay. You’re here now.”

  “Is Easton home?”

  She shook her head. “Bless his heart, he had to go up to the campus today and register for the Fall quarter.”

  “He’s still in school?”

  “Of course. Why wouldn’t he be?”

  “I don’t know, he just hasn’t mentioned it, and I assumed when he came back home to live, he quit, like Becks did.”

  Judy shook her head. “He’s been doing it online for the last year, since Ralph passed.”

  “I’m so sorry, Judy. I’m sorry I couldn’t come home when it happened. That’s one of my biggest regrets,” I admitted.

  “I understand.” She wiped a few tears away and continued. “It’s been exactly one year and one day. God, it still feels like yesterday.”

  I instinctively pulled her in for a hug. So that’s why East bailed yesterday.

  “He was such a good man. A good father,” Judy said.

  I wanted to ask her how it happened, but I didn’t want to upset her further. “He was the best,” I agreed.

  “Enough about me. Tell me all about Hollywood!” she gushed. “Tell me, have you met that Timberlake fellow yet? I’d eat him up with a spoon.”

  I let out a hearty laugh. God, I loved this woman.

  “I’ve met him a few times at award shows.”

  “You’ll have to introduce me.” She winked.

  I nodded. “I have to get going, but could you tell East that I stopped by?”

  “Of course, Aisley. Now that I know you remember our address, don’t be a stranger.” She winked.

  “I won’t.”

&nbs
p; John was waiting, patient as ever, when I got back in his car. “Wal-Mart?”

  “No. Let’s just go home.” I didn’t need the stupid scale. Because I was not fat, I was healthy.

  “Everything okay?”

  I shrugged. “On second thought, can you take me to the cemetery?”

  “That’s morbid.”

  “Serious, John. I need to visit someone.” I had been putting it off for too long.

  “Shit. Sorry, kid.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” I sighed, leaning my head against the window as he took off down the street.

  ***

  “Penny for your thoughts?” Ralph took a seat next to me on the porch steps.

  I wiped my face, hoping he didn’t see the freshly fallen tears. “They’re not even worth that.”

  “I doubt that.”

  I shrugged. How was I supposed to come out and tell Easton’s dad—of all people—how it felt to see East with another girl?

  “You know, that boy is crazy about you.” Ralph had to have been a mind reader.

  I snorted. “Yeah, then why is he taking Cynthia Perkins to homecoming?” Three weeks after he told me that he liked me, and kissed me in his bedroom, nonetheless.

  “He’s a fifteen year old boy, Ais.” He put his arm around me, hugging me close. “I wish I had a better answer for you than that.”

  “I’m being stupid, huh?” I shook my head. “Thinking he’ll ever see me as more than the little girl who grew up down the street?”

  “That’s not stupid. I see how he stares at you. Me and everyone else in town. Mark my words, dear. One day that boy will realize what he’s missing.”

  “Yeah, well you can just keep dreaming. I’m going to live here in the real world.” The one where I would have to watch Easton and Cynthia slow dance, while I stood in the background like a wallflower.

  “You know, sometimes the real world is just not all that great. Sometimes, dreaming will be the only thing that gets you by.”

  The wind picked up in the cemetery, the sky was dark grey. I knew it would start raining any minute, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Ralph Everson’s gravestone. Thankfully, John kept his distance, though I could still see him on the hillside, leaning against an old evergreen tree.

  I should have been here. When it happened and when they laid him in the ground. But I was too selfish and too prideful for that. I hated that I couldn’t go back a year and make a different decision. Maybe things would be different today, if I had.