I expected Sawyer to release me, or to at least loosen his hold. Instead, they tightened, as if he was afraid I would run away, which I would have.
I shot him a glare before giving Jamie a small smile. “I’m better, buddy. How about you? Did I get you sick?”
“No.” He shook his head, and I reminded myself to get his hair cut when a few locks fell into his eyes. “I’m hungry. Can we have pancakes?”
“Sure,” I started to assure him, but Sawyer cut me off.
“I’ll make them. Give us a minute, though, son. Okay?”
Jamie shrugged. “Okay. Can I cuddle with you, too?”
One of Sawyer’s arms released me and pulled Jamie down onto his other shoulder. With his head so close to mine, Jamie reached out and cupped my face, laughing when he squished my cheeks together, giving me fish face. I tried to smile back, when all I wanted to do was cry.
This was what I had always wanted.
This had been my dream.
To have this man, a family. To have moments like this for the rest of my life.
It wasn’t real. Jamie was my godson, not mine by birth, no matter how much I wanted him to be. And Sawyer wasn’t mine. He had never been.
Jamie released my face and hugged his dad, his fingers playing with my long hair that was spread across Sawyer’s chest. “This is nice. I like it. We look like a family.”
Lowering my lashes to hide the sudden blur of tears filling my eyes, I sucked in a harsh breath and tried not to let my emotions destroy me.
“Yeah, we do.” Sawyer kissed the top of my head yet again, causing a painful stab just under my breast. “I could get used to this. How about you?”
“Yeah,” Jamie exclaimed excitedly.
I just laid there, too choked up to speak. This might have been my dream, but it hurt so much right then. I wanted Sawyer to leave, and I needed him to take Jamie with him, because I was about to lose all control and start crying. I couldn’t do that with either of them there. It would scare Jamie, and I couldn’t embarrass myself by crying like that in front of Sawyer.
We stayed like that for a few more minutes. Just the three of us in my bed, my heart breaking a little more with each passing second. Then Jamie began to get restless, something I was grateful for.
He jumped up, bouncing the bed a little. “What time is it? Mommy is supposed to call me.”
The reality of Amber was enough to force my tears away. I jerked away from Sawyer and got to my feet.
“I’ll make the pancakes,” I muttered, practically running from the room.
In the kitchen, I walked into the pantry and held the doorknob as I sucked in one deep breath after another, letting a few tears fall before they became too much to contain. Closing my eyes, I pressed my forehead against the cool wood of the door.
I had to get Sawyer out of my home. I had to erase the memories he was making before they started to haunt me.
SIX
Ash
FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF the door, I heard Jamie’s voice, but the wood was so thick that I couldn’t make out exactly what he was saying. The excitement in his tone alone told me that he was speaking to his mother.
I hurriedly wiped my eyes and dried my cheeks, making sure I was completely under control before grabbing everything in the pantry I needed to make pancakes.
Opening the door, I calmly walked to the island and laid everything out before pulling out a mixing bowl. Jamie parked himself on one of the stools, giving me a huge grin as he pressed the phone closer to his ear.
“I miss you, too, Mommy. Bring me back a present, okay?”
Even from across the island, I could hear Amber’s laugh, and then Jamie was holding the landline phone out to me.
“She wants to talk to you, Aunt Ash.”
I swallowed hard, but gave him a smile as I took the phone from him. Turning toward the fridge to get the eggs and milk, but really to give myself two seconds of not having to fake anything, I slowly pressed the phone to my ear.
“Hi, Amber,” I greeted, trying to sound normal.
“How are you feeling?” were the first words out of her mouth. “Sawyer said he was taking care of you, but I didn’t believe him until Jamie told me how sick you were.”
I grabbed the carton of organic eggs, then just stood there, staring at the milk, giving myself a little more time. “I’m good now. How are things there? Are you and Leo having a good time?”
There was a pause on her end, and for a moment, I thought it was a bad connection and she had lost service. Then I heard Leo in the background, clearing his throat, and I realized something was up with my friend.
“Amber?”
I heard her exhale through her nose and put the eggs back in the fridge. Closing the door, I moved out of the kitchen, knowing I was going to need to be out of hearing range of Jamie for this conversation.
“Hey,” I murmured, as I walked through the living room and headed for my room. Hearing the shower on in my bathroom, I groaned, bypassing my bedroom for Jamie’s. “What’s going on?”
“Okay, here it is. Leo asked me to marry him.”
I blinked, not sure why my best friend had been so conflicted about telling me. That she had hesitated for so long told me something was seriously up with her. “That’s great news!” I cried. “It’s about damn time. Leo’s had his head up his ass for long enough.”
“It’s great news?” she repeated. “You think so?”
I dropped down onto Jamie’s still messy bed. “Of course it is. I’m so happy for you, Amber. Tell the idiot I said congratulations. He got himself the best woman ever.”
She released a breath like she had been holding it. “Oh, Ash, I’m so relieved you’re happy.”
“What?” I exclaimed. “Why?”
“Because of how you acted when I married Sawyer. Things were tense with us for months. Those were some of the worst weeks of my life.”
I flopped back onto the bed, covering my eyes with my free hand as I tried to come up with an excuse for the way I had acted. I couldn’t tell her the truth. That I had been devastated and heartbroken when I had come home from that last assignment to find her married to the guy I had been in love with.
On top of telling me she had eloped with Sawyer, she had told me she was pregnant. After everything that had happened during the weeks I had been gone, I had suddenly wished I hadn’t survived that horrific time. My heart had shattered into a billion pieces at my feet. It wasn’t Amber’s fault. I had never told her about Sawyer and me. She hadn’t known, and I couldn’t tell her. Not then.
And I wasn’t about to open that can of worms by telling her right now.
“It took me a while to get back to the old me after everything that happened, Amber. My head wasn’t in the right place.” Not a lie. It had been months before I could even close my eyes without reliving what had happened to me. The nightmares had been just as bad—worse at times—and sleep had been my enemy for a long, long time afterward. “I’m so sorry if I hurt your feelings, sweetie. I didn’t mean to, and I hate that you thought I wouldn’t be happy for you and Leo.”
“No, I’m sorry.” I could hear the tears in her voice now. “I’m such a selfish bitch, Ash. I was so worried about you not being happy for me that I didn’t even think about what was going on with you back then. You know I love you, right? That you’re one of my top three favorite people? You and Leo tie for second place.”
I found myself smiling. “Yes, I know. I love you, too. My life would be so empty without you in it.”
“Back at you, babe.” She cleared her throat, and I finally heard the excitement and joy that she should have been feeling from the instant Leo had asked her to marry him. “So, will you be my maid of honor?”
“Are you kidding me? Of course I will!”
“Yay,” she squealed. “I’m so excited. Oh my gosh, we have to go shopping as soon as I get back. I’ve convinced Leo to let us have a huge wedding, and there’s so much to do.”
Sh
e went on and on, telling me everything that we had to do, while I could barely keep up.
That was Amber. So full of life. She was like the sun at times, and everyone and everything seemed to orbit around her.
“Aunt Ash!” Jamie called from the kitchen.
I groaned, having completely forgotten about the pancakes. “Your kid is hungry. I’m going to go make him some breakfast. Call me later, and I’ll make a list of all the things I can do on my end to get the ball rolling for you.”
“Sounds like a plan.” She paused again, then lowered her voice. “Hey, what do you know about this woman Sawyer is seeing?”
Everything inside of me went still. My heart completely stopped in my chest, my brain threatening to shut down at that last question.
Sawyer was seeing someone?
Of course he was.
Shaking my head, I closed my eyes and mentally called myself an idiot. Earlier, lying in bed with my head on his chest and his arms wrapped around me had gotten my stupid heart thinking that he might want …
What?
Not me.
Not us.
“Ash, are you there?”
I swallowed the lump that had filled my throat. “I’m here,” I muttered. “Honestly, Amber, I didn’t know he was seeing anyone. You know I’m not that close to Sawyer. We’ve barely tolerated each other over the last six years.”
She sighed. “Yes, I guess. I’m just curious. I don’t want him to get hurt.”
“I’ll keep my ears open,” I promised her. “I’m sure you’ll find out about who she is soon if he’s seeing someone. I mean, he’d want to introduce her to Jamie eventually, and Jamie tells me and you everything.”
“You’re right. Well, I’ll let you go. Give my little man a kiss for me. Love you!”
“Love you,” I whispered before hitting the disconnect button.
Jumping to my feet, I headed back to the kitchen.
Entering the room, I froze when I saw Sawyer standing at the island. His hair was wet and all he was wearing was a pair of dress pants. His chest was bare, and there was a smear of batter across his left pec. My body went white hot at the sight of him like that. His hard chest, those defined abs, and the thin trail of dark hair arrowing down into his pants.
I had never seen a sexier sight than right then.
His biceps flexed as he continued to mix. He lifted his head, a knowing grin on his beautifully masculine face. “Did Amber tell you?”
Hearing my friend’s name coming from his mouth was like having a bucket of iced water dropped over my head.
Clenching my jaw, I nodded and took a seat beside Jamie on the other side of the island from Sawyer. “Yes, I’m excited for her.”
“I told her you would be.” He moved to the stove behind him and started pouring out the mixture.
“Tell you what?” Jamie asked curiously, watching his father and I closely.
“Nothing, buddy.” I ruffled his hair, knowing that Amber would want to tell her son the news personally. “Ugh, this hair is killing me. How about you and I go get you a haircut later?”
“Yes, please.”
Sawyer shook his head, concern darkening his voice. “Do you think you should be out right now? You’re just getting better, Ash.”
“I’m fine now,” I assured him, combing my fingers through Jamie’s hair to avoid looking at him. “Besides, if his hair gets any longer, I’m going to use him as a mop and clean the floors.”
Jamie pushed my hand away. “You’re silly, Aunt Ash.”
Sawyer flipped the pancakes. “Fine, but I’m coming with you.”
I shrugged. “Do what you want. I’ll set up his haircut, and then you two can head home after. I need to stop by the magazine and see what my editor has for me to do this weekend.”
His eyes narrowed, but the doorbell rang before he could argue.
Pushing away from the island, I stood before Jamie could offer to get the door. Figuring—hoping—it was Dominic there to check up on me, I opened the door with a welcoming smile on my face.
The guy standing on the other side in a delivery uniform and a huge bouquet of the most beautiful tulip arrangement I had ever seen caught me off guard. For one, the doorman wouldn’t have let the guy up without being told it was okay. For another, tulips were my favorite, especially the pink and yellow ones mixed in with wildflowers and a single white rose in the center.
“Miss Montgomery?” the delivery man enquired with a pleasant smile.
“Yes?” I couldn’t take my eyes off the flowers or the vase they were in.
He thrust the arrangement toward me. “These are for you.”
I grasped the vase without really thinking about it. Stepping back, the man gave me a nod then headed for the elevators.
Stunned, I slowly closed the door, already burying my face in the flowers. Spotting the card that was tucked discreetly into the arrangement, I carefully pulled it out as I set the vase on the coffee table.
Love S.
“Do you like them?”
My head snapped up at the sound of his voice. I found him standing only a few feet away, watching me closely. He was still shirtless, but at least he had cleaned his chest off. The absence of the pancake mix smear did nothing to distract from the rest of him, though.
I forced my gaze back up to his eyes. “Why?” I whispered.
He had never sent me flowers before. Not once. I didn’t even know how he knew I loved tulips, or that pink and yellow were my favorites.
Dark brows lifted. “Why what?”
“Why would you send them?” I snapped, tucking the card into my back jeans pocket. “What are you doing, Sawyer? Do you even know?”
“I wanted to do something special for you,” he answered after a brief pause. “To show you that you’re special to me, Ash.”
“Me?” I shook my head, a hysterical laugh starting to build. It was either laugh or cry, and I had done enough crying where this man was concerned. “Tell me something, and I want the truth. How did you know these were my favorite flowers? How did you know the colors? You never sent me flowers before. Not once. And I’m pretty sure the topic never came up in any of our conversations.”
I saw the answer flash across his face before he could hide it. I had been expecting it, but it didn’t mean it made it hurt any less. He knew because of Amber. My friend who sent me flowers for no reason at all. She was sweet like that, always doing something out of the blue that would make me smile.
“I didn’t do this to hurt you,” he muttered with a grimace. “I remembered she sent you those flowers on your birthday one year. I told my secretary to send them on Monday before you were sick. They were just supposed to be something to let you know I was thinking about you.”
I lowered my gaze back to the flowers. They really were beautiful. Just looking at them made me want to melt all over again, but I couldn’t do that. Not with this man. Not when he could so easily destroy me all over again.
“I think you should have sent them to the woman you’re seeing instead,” I bit out, reminding myself of what Amber had said earlier. The flowers lost some of their shine in my eyes, and I suddenly wanted to throw them in the trash.
“What the hell are you talking about?” he demanded as he moved toward me.
“You mean, there are so many you don’t know which one? Sounds about right.” I rolled my eyes. “Amber asked about your current girlfriend. Wanted to know if I knew anything about this mysterious new woman who was occupying your time.”
Sawyer caught my hands as I started to turn away, pulling me against his bare chest. His body heat burned through my clothes, waking my body up all over again, as liquid desire pooled between my legs, making me ache in a way only this man had ever caused. Only he could assuage.
“The only woman in my life is the one I’m holding right now.” He lowered his head, trapping my gaze as easily as he had trapped my body. “I want you back, Ash. I want a second chance.”
No! my brain screame
d.
Yes, my heart whispered.
I pushed against his chest, but he was unmovable. He released my hands only to wrap his arms around my waist. His palms rubbed over my ass, cupping each cheek, his fingers squeezing as he pressed my lower body into his. I felt how reactive he was to my closeness. My pussy clenched in response, my panties becoming uncomfortably wet as my clit began to throb in need.
“I know I fucked up last time,” he said with a low growl. “But I won’t make those mistakes again, baby.”
My brain was fogging over with a lust that I had thought I was dead to, but his words were trying to cut through the thickness. I didn’t want to think about the last time. The mistakes and pain from back then had nearly killed me. I wouldn’t survive a second time.
It felt like it was all from another lifetime ago. I had missed him so much, loved him so much …
“Give me a chance, Ash,” he breathed into my ear with a rough plea. “We were so good together, and if I hadn’t been so fucking stupid, I know we would have lasted. Let me show you, prove to you that I’ve changed.”
I was so tempted, but I couldn’t completely trust him. How could I when the last time all he’d had to do was tell my brother, yet he had refused. I couldn’t go back to living that kind of lie. I wasn’t going to be his dirty little secret again.
Closing my eyes, I pressed my forehead against his bare chest, giving myself a moment to soak in the feel of his arms around me, holding me like I was special to him. That was all I would take, all I needed.
I slowly lifted my head and made myself meet his gaze. “I can’t,” I told him in a voice that shook with unshed tears. “I can’t do that again. I won’t be your secret anymore.”
“That’s not what I want. This time will be different.” His dark eyes pleaded with me, begging me to give him a chance.
“I’m sorry, Sawyer. I … I just can’t.”
SEVEN
Sawyer
IF SHE THOUGHT THAT HER saying no was going to stop me from trying, she was out of her mind. I had known that it wasn’t going to be easy to get her back, and part of me was glad she was making me work to show her that things would be different this time around. I would show her how important she was to me.
His Dirty Little Secret Page 5
