How much I loved her.
After Jamie’s haircut, something I had never gotten to be there for in the past, Ash couldn’t get rid of me fast enough. She kept telling Jamie that she had to stop by to see her boss, but I knew it was because she wanted some time on her own to think. While everything inside of me was screaming to keep her close, I didn’t argue with her when she left me on the street outside the salon she had been taking my son to for his entire life.
Jamie and I stood there, watching her taxi blend into the maze of other yellow cars before either of us moved. Then my kid looked up at me once he couldn’t see her any longer. “Do you have to go to work now?”
I took his hand, and we started walking in the direction of my office. “I have to stop by, buddy. I’m not working, though. I just have to talk to Uncle Brice.”
“That woman with too much perfume isn’t going to be there, is she?” he asked me with a suspicious expression on his face.
My lips twisted in a grimace. “God, I hope not.”
It was only a few blocks to my office building. Jamie kept me entertained with everything his mother had told him that morning when she had made her daily call to him. She hadn’t told him yet about her engagement, but I wasn’t worried about his reaction to Amber marrying Leo. The other guy had been a big part of his life for the last few years, and I knew they got along well. I couldn’t have asked for a better guy to become my son’s stepfather, even if my own relationship with the man was tense at best.
Once we made it through the metal detectors, we went straight up to my office. As soon as we stepped off, I saw Leah sitting behind her desk.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Brannon.”
“Leah.” I nodded as I walked around the receptionist and headed for my office. “Jamie, be good. Don’t bother Leah.”
“Okay.”
As I went down the hall toward my best friend’s office, I didn’t pause outside the secretaries’ shared office. I wasn’t in the mood to answer a hundred questions from Janice or deal with anything work-related right then. I was on a mission, one that might get me thrown out of the damn window, but I had to do this.
Brice’s door was open when I reached it. Normally, I would have walked straight in, but right then, I wasn’t sure how welcome I would be once I told him what I needed to. Instead, I knocked on the doorframe.
Brice’s blond head snapped up from the work on his desk. Seeing me standing there, his brows lifted. “I thought you were taking the week off.”
I stepped into the room, shutting the door behind me. “I am. I just needed to speak to you.”
“Okay?” He was watching me like he thought I had lost my mind. I wasn’t completely convinced I hadn’t. After holding Ash in my arms that morning, I might have fried my brain.
Brice waved to the chairs in front of his desk. “How’s my sister? Dom said you were playing nurse.” He smirked at me. “Better you than me is all I have to say. Ash is the worst patient. She hates being helpless.”
I dropped down into the seat, leaning forward and putting my elbows on my knees, clasping my hands together. “She’s feeling better today. Actually, she’s why I’m here. I need to talk to you.”
My friend sat up straighter in his chair, his face completely serious now. “Is everything okay? Ash is all right, isn’t she?”
“She’s fine. It was just strep and a respiratory infection. Dominic gave her antibiotic and steroids,” I assured him. “I’m not here to talk about her health, Brice.”
He visibly relaxed. “Thank God. After everything that happened six years ago, I can’t help worrying about her. We nearly lost her.”
“Yeah,” I muttered, trying and failing to suppress a shudder at just how close she had come to dying on that last fucking assignment.
“So, what did you want to talk to me about?” Putting his hands behind his head, he leaned back in his chair, giving me his full attention.
“I …” I shut my mouth and clenched my jaw. I had known this was going to be hard, but I couldn’t expect Ash to even consider giving me another chance without doing this first.
This was why things had ended between us last time. Because I had been too much of a pussy to tell my best friend. If I had just told him then, if I had only confessed how I felt about his little sister, she wouldn’t have gone on that fucking assignment. She wouldn’t have nearly died …
And I wouldn’t have Jamie.
Nevertheless, I had been scared of how Brice would react. I hadn’t wanted to ruin our friendship, but it was more than that. I hadn’t wanted Brice to know because I hadn’t thought I was good enough for his sister, and I hadn’t wanted to hear him say the words.
Now, I didn’t care if he told me I wasn’t worthy of Ash. I didn’t care if he ended our lifelong friendship. Fuck, he could tell me he wanted out of our business partnership, and I couldn’t have cared less right then. I only wanted him to know so I could prove to Ash I was serious.
“I’m in love with Ash,” I blurted the words out, and then sat back, feeling like the weight of the world had suddenly been lifted from my shoulders.
It felt good to admit it to him. To just say the words aloud and let the universe know how I felt. It had been easy to say them once they had left my lips, and regret that I hadn’t done it sooner hit me right in the gut like a ten-ton fist. It had been that easy, yet I hadn’t done it six years ago.
Brice dropped his hands and sat up straighter in his chair, narrowing his eyes on me as he slowly took in what I had just confessed. “What did you just say?”
“I love Ash.” The words were even easier this time around, flowing smoothly off my tongue. “I’ve always loved her. I always will.”
He jerked to his feet, but instead of charging around the desk to beat the shit out of me, which was what I had expected him to do, he turned his back on me, looking out over the city below.
Brice did his best thinking standing there, looking out that window. I had seen him come up with some incredible ideas after standing there for hours at a time.
He only stood there for less than a minute this time, however, before he was turning on me with a blank expression on his face. “Does she know? Does she love you back?”
“Fuck, I hope so.” I scrubbed my hands over my face and shook my head. “No, she doesn’t know. I’ve never told her.”
“So, why the hell are you sitting there, telling me this, when you should be talking to her about it?” He crossed his arms over his chest, the intimidating big brother staring down at me and not my best friend.
“Because I want to do this right. I’m telling you … and I’m asking for your permission to marry her.”
EIGHT
Ash
AS SOON AS I WAS in the taxi, I breathed out a sigh of relief. The morning had been hard for me to get through with a smile on my face, and my cheeks hurt from how many muscles I had strained to keep the act up for Jamie’s sake.
Sawyer wanted another chance.
I couldn’t even wrap my head around the possibility. For years, I had put on the performance of my life, pretending that he wasn’t anything more to me than my best friend’s husband. Then he had become her ex-husband, and things had been just as difficult to hide because he hadn’t belonged to Amber any more.
Amber …
She was a big part of why I couldn’t give Sawyer a second chance. Sure, there was all the leftover anger and hurt from our first go at whatever the hell we had been, but that wasn’t the only reason. How was my friend going to react if she found out I had once spent time in her ex’s bed?
What if she asked me how good it had been for us? What if she compared my time with him to hers?
Before Sawyer, Amber had told me all about her sex life with her other boyfriends, but she had never once tried to dish out what it was like with her husband. I had never questioned it, mostly because I was so relieved not to have to hear about how good Sawyer was in bed. Something I knew all too well.
An hou
r later found me exiting my boss’s office. I had a few different assignments I had to work on over the weekend, none of them exciting, but that was how I liked it these days. With nothing to do until I had to pick Jamie up from Sawyer’s office the next day, I decided to surprise Dominic. Knowing my friend, he was working his ass off at his private clinic.
I picked him up some lunch, figuring he would have worked straight through the lunch hour and wouldn’t stop to think about it until later that evening.
His staff gave me warm greetings when they saw me as I made my way back to his office. Luckily, he was at his desk, scanning over several files. He was so engrossed in them that he didn’t even realize I was there until the bag of sandwiches landed on his desk in front of him.
Slightly shaggy mahogany hair flipped back as his head snapped up and a charming smile lifted his lips when he saw me. He was handsome and sexy, but I had never felt more than friendship for him. Even if every society and gossip tabloid in the city had hinted that we were on the road to engagement. Dominic did nothing for me, and as far as I knew, I had never done anything for him, either. Whereas I had my secrets about Sawyer, he had his own about someone else. Someone who he had only confided in me about once when we had both been at our lowest.
“She lives,” he teased as he got to his feet and walked around the desk.
Dominic gave me a quick hug before stepping back and leaning his hip on the edge of his desk. His gray eyes scanned over me, taking everything in within a few seconds before they narrowed on me.
“How are you feeling?”
I shrugged and took a seat in one of the stylish chairs in front of the desk. “I’m feeling better.”
“Okay, new question. How are you after having to spend so much time with Sawyer?” His voice held a slight bite to it at the other man’s name, and I pressed my lips together.
Once upon a time, Sawyer and Dominic had been just as close as I was with Amber. Now, thanks to me, they were barely civil to one another in public. I hated that I was the cause of the rift between them, but I was thankful that I had Dominic to talk to about the past. With him, I didn’t have to pretend.
I brushed a piece of white fuzz off my pants and shrugged. “I’ve survived worse, right?”
His face paled, but he nodded. “Yes, sweetheart, you definitely have.”
I leaned back, glaring up at the ceiling. I wasn’t there just to bring him lunch. I needed his advice, needed to talk this out before everything ate away what was left of my sanity.
Dominic knew I needed a moment to gather my thoughts, so he moved back around his desk and sat. Opening the bag, he pulled out the first sandwich and started going over the patient files in front of him once again as he took a bite of turkey and cheese on honey wheat.
“He told me he wants a second chance,” I finally told him.
Dominic nearly choked on the food in his mouth he was so surprised by what I had said. Coughing, he reached for his mug of coffee and took several swallows before he could speak again.
“He did?” His voice sounded strangled, and he paused to clear it. “What the hell, Ash? What did you tell him?”
“No. Of course I told him no.”
“But …?” He was giving me that look now, the one that told me he saw beyond my bullshit to the truth.
I lowered my eyes to my hands. “Part of me wants to say yes.”
“Because you still love him.” It wasn’t a question. We both knew that it was the truth.
I didn’t even try to lie.
“Ash, if you came here looking for my permission, you’ve wasted your time.” His voice didn’t hold a bite to it, but I could hear his resignation and lifted my head to meet his gaze. “You are the only one who knows what is best for you. If Sawyer is what you want, if he is what will make you happy, then go after it. All I want is for you to be happy.”
“What about Amber?” I whispered, tears already burning my throat.
His gray eyes darkened. “What about her?”
“Don’t you think it’s wrong to start dating my best friend’s ex? That’s got to be a rule in the BFF’s guide book.”
“No more wrong than her sleeping with, getting pregnant, and subsequently marrying the man her best friend was in love with,” he gritted out.
I couldn’t keep from flinching at that reminder. “She didn’t know that, though,” I tried to defend.
Dominic rolled his eyes, but didn’t argue further about Amber. “Just take this one day at a time, Ash. Don’t worry about what’s right or what’s wrong where everyone else is concerned for once. You worry about you and fuck the rest.”
NINE
Ash
I SHOWED UP AT SAWYER’S office twenty minutes early the next day. Having gotten little sleep the night before because I couldn’t stop thinking about the scene in my living room with Sawyer the day before, I had finally given up around four that morning and started cleaning my apartment.
Cleaning normally helped me think, cleared my head so I could see things from a new perspective. That wasn’t the case this time, however, and all I had done was give myself a headache. This should have been easy. I didn’t want to fall back into a relationship like we’d had six years ago. I deserved more than to be some sordid secret that Sawyer was too embarrassed to tell the world about.
Not the world.
Brice.
That was all I had wanted back then. For him to tell the one person who meant everything to the both of us. If he had only told Brice, I would have given up everything for him.
Shaking that thought away, I stepped off the elevator as the doors opened and out onto the top floor.
As soon as the doors closed behind me, I felt a shift in the air. It was an odd feeling. Not tense, per se, but it was definitely charged.
My eyes shifted around nervously. Anytime I felt a sudden change like that, it set my nerves on edge. My fight-or-flight instinct kicked in, and I was already looking at the emergency exit.
My eyes went first to the conference room, expecting to see a room full of angry CEOs and other staff members. It was completely empty, which only had my instincts working overtime because I couldn’t immediately see the source of my anxiety.
“Good morning, Miss Montgomery,” Leah murmured, bringing my attention to her.
My eyes reluctantly shifted to the receptionist. Her kind, familiar smile eased some of my nervousness.
I clasped my shaking hands together and forced a smile for her. “Hi, Leah. Is Jamie ready?”
Her brow furrowed. “Mr. Brannon and Jamie haven’t been in today. Janice said she cleared his schedule for the entire week.”
“Oh.” I felt at a sudden loss. Even though I had been dreading facing Sawyer again today, I had also been looking forward to it. Part of me wanted to know if he had just been full of hot air, trying to get laid. Another part—my damn stupid heart—wanted him to have been sincere and maybe … maybe try to fight for me.
“Ash?”
My head snapped up at the sound of my brother’s deep voice, and the tenseness I had felt in the air moments ago intensified. It was rolling off him in waves, making me take a step back, not so much in fear of him because I knew Brice would never hurt me, but he was revving up my anxiety.
I watched as he read the look in my eyes and slowed his pace, lifting his hands in a reassuring way, as if he was trying to calm a wild animal.
I swallowed down my nervousness as best I could, clenching my hands together harder as my heart beat so hard against my ribs my entire body seemed to shake.
“Hey.” His voice was softer now, regret filling his eyes as tears filled my own.
He caught my elbows and gently pulled me toward him. I pressed my forehead to his chest, burying my face in the material of his suit jacket as I sucked in one deep breath after another, fighting back the panic attack.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered against my hair, and I felt his lips touch my temple.
I could only nod, not quite trusting
my voice just yet.
Behind me, I heard the elevator arriving again, and then the doors opened. I didn’t dare raise my head as Brice stroked his hands up and down my spine soothingly, his voice soft as he continued to apologize.
“What the hell?” Sawyer’s voice exploded behind me seconds before I felt his hand on my shoulder, pulling me away from my brother and tucking me against him. “What did you say to her?” he demanded.
“Nothing,” Brice assured him. “I’ve just been in a grumpy mood since yesterday, and I must have been broadcasting it too harshly. She’s still easily spooked.”
Sawyer’s heartbeat was right under my ear, the tempo soothing. The feel of his arms, so strong and warm around me, along with the familiar lullaby of his heartbeat, began pulling me back from the darkness of the panic attack that had come on frighteningly quick.
“Baby?” His lips were right at my ear, his voice slightly strained as he felt me shudder. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
I clenched my eyes shut and prayed for strength as I pushed back from him a few inches. “It’s nothing,” I tried to assure him, but his arms tightened around me at the lie. “I’m just a little sensitive to dark emotions.”
I still suffered from PTSD, but I hadn’t had a panic attack in over eight months. I hated them, hated how weak they made me feel. That wasn’t the Ash I had been over six years ago. I had been full of life and fire. Nothing and no one could have stood in my way, could have scared me so easily. Now, I felt like a coward. Something as little as sensing someone’s bad moods set me on edge, and I was thrown back into a past that was the ugliest part of hell imaginable.
Sucking in a steading breath, I pulled away from him and turned toward my brother. “What’s going on?” I demanded in a voice that only slightly cracked. “Did one of your projects fall through?”
Brice shot Sawyer a glare from over my head. “No, it’s more personal.” He held open his arms, and I walked into them, letting him hug me. “I’m sorry I got you upset.”
His Dirty Little Secret Page 6
