Fighting for the Forbidden: Forbidden Series #3

by Lorraine, Tracy

  She looks up at me through watery eyes, and my heart aches for her, for everything I’ve put her through.

  Chapter Ten

  Lauren

  It feels good to finally tell Ben how it really felt when he left instead of just shouting at him. Being able to see his reaction reminds me that I’m not alone in this. I’ve been carrying around this anger and bitterness for so long that it’s hard to accept that he’s always felt the same. I’d no idea that when I was trying to get someone to understand how I felt, that the one person I’d swore I never wanted to see again was the only one who would truly get it. The longer I talk, the more I realise that my anger’s been directed at the wrong person since finding out the truth. Yes, Ben was the one who walked out that night, but it wasn’t of his own doing. And while I may always wonder what might have happened if he’d stayed and fought for us, I do understand why he thought he was doing the best thing. It might have been a little naïve and misguided, but his young heart was in the right place.

  As he thinks back to the day he walked back into the office, pain and regret fill his eyes. “I’d convinced myself over the years that you’d hate me. It was no less than I deserved. But I knew your dad wouldn’t have let me off lightly. I knew I was going to be the bad guy; he wasn’t likely to admit his part in it. I told myself that you’d have moved on, found someone else. That you’d be happy. Then you glanced up from your desk and you looked at me exactly how I remember, and I knew. Nothing had really changed. I knew you were still mine.”

  I blow out a long breath as the realisation that he can read me so well after all this time settles within me. How is it possible that after six years, nothing can really change?

  “Tell me about your life. What did you do when you left?”

  “I got on the first train I found and ended up in Exeter. I was about as lost as you described earlier. I found a crappy bedsit and pretty much drank myself into oblivion for quite a long time.

  “Then one day I saw an advert saying something about it not being too late to apply to university, and I thought why not. I had absolutely nothing else to fill my time with.”

  “You got a degree?”

  “Yeah, you don’t need to look so shocked. I’m actually kinda smart.”

  “I know you are. I just never imagined you studying.”

  “Me either,” he admits. “But I had no idea what to do. I’d just walked away from everything that was important to me. I signed up to a business course, I still had hope then that it might come in useful if I ever got the chance to take over Johnson & Son’s like I always planned to. I met Dec on the first day. We hit it off instantly and went out for drinks straight from our first lecture. He asked me about home and family, and I panicked. I put on this act from that very first day, and it became second nature.”

  “An act?” My brows draw together.

  “I didn’t want him or anyone digging into why I was there. I could barely think about it, let alone talk about you and the reason I had to leave, so I covered it up. I covered it by becoming the kind of guy I hoped the others would look up to. Who would appear so confident that they’d never need to ask about my past, because there’s no way I could have any secrets hidden in my closet.”

  “I’m not sure I understand.”

  He blows out a breath and casts his eyes away. “I played up to my new nickname with alcohol and…” His face twists as if it’s painful to admit.

  “And?”

  “Women.”

  My stomach drops. I knew there was no way he hadn’t been with anyone else, but hearing him say it makes me feel a little sick.

  The word seems to echo forever in the silent space around us. I want to ask more questions, find out more about what he did when we were apart, but my head’s full of unwanted images of him with faceless women, treating them the way he does me.

  “I’m sorry,” I say in a rush and run to the bathroom, afraid I’m about to lose the contents of my stomach.

  Slamming the door behind me, I come to a stop in front of the basin, rest my palms on the marble top and hang my head. I drag in a few deep breaths, hoping it’ll help settle my stomach. My eyes burn, but I refuse to cry. What he did was perfectly acceptable given the circumstances. Plenty of people said I should have been doing the same thing, but I could never switch him off enough to really go through with it.

  I’m surprised when he doesn’t immediately chase me, but I’m grateful that he allows me a few seconds to process what he said and to attempt to deal with it in private. That said, it can’t be five minutes later when a knock sounds on the door.

  “Lauren, are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be out in a few seconds.” My voice sounds pathetic, making me wish I were stronger.

  As I stare at my pale face in the mirror, the movement of the door handle catches my attention. In a second, it’s open and Ben’s in the doorway, staring at my reflection.

  “None of them ever meant anything. None of them ever managed to make me forget you for even a second. It’s only ever been you, baby.”

  The tears I was fighting so desperately hard to keep in drop onto my cheeks. The sincerity on his face doesn’t falter as he says the words, and I believe every single one of them.

  Turning on my heels, I run at him.

  “Fuck,” he grunts the second I collide with his body, and I immediately feel awful for not being more careful.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I repeat, trying to pull away but he only holds onto me tighter. He must be in agony, but he doesn’t loosen his grip until I stop fighting.

  Running his hand up my back, he slips it into my hair and gently pulls so I have no choice but to look up at him. “Only ever you,” he whispers before dropping his lips to mine for the sweetest kiss I think I’ve ever received. It’s like my whole body sighs as his lips brush over mine. It’s the first kiss we’ve shared since he’s been back that isn’t fuelled by anger and frustration. I wish it could go on forever. But as my body’s gearing up for more, he pulls back. My head knows it’s the right thing to do. The last thing I need is to fall back under his spell. His eyes are dark and full of emotion when he stares down at me. I can tell he wants to say more, but he’s holding himself back. It’s not the first time he’s tried to open up about how he feels about me since reappearing, but I think it’s the first time I’d be able to accept the words if he were to say them.

  “Do you fancy getting out of this hotel room? I could really do with dinner.”

  “That sounds perfect. Let me just freshen up a little, and I’ll help you get dressed.”

  * * *

  We walk out of the hotel room hand in hand, and it’s almost easy to believe that we’re just a normal couple enjoying a few days away from the pressures of everyday life. But one look to my left to see his cast and bruised face and I realise once again that we’re far from that.

  We might have had a bit of a breakthrough in the last few hours, but we’ve still got a long way to go if we have any hope of a future, whether that’s together or just as…family. I screw my nose up at the thought. Are we still even really that now? Dad’s gone. Jenny will hopefully move on and find the happiness she deserves. Where does that leave us?

  He must feel a change in me, because he looks over, his own eyes seeming brighter than they have in the last few days.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah. I’m good, I think. How are you holding up?” He tried to put on a brave face as I helped him dress, but I could see the pain etched into his face every time he moved.

  “I’ll survive.”

  “Right, what do you fancy?” I ask when we step foot outside the hotel.

  “You.”

  “I meant for dinner. I was thinking Italian,” I say with a laugh. It feels so good not to be constantly arguing with him.

  “Italian sounds perfect.”

  We’ve barely started our main, and Ben’s already fighting back his exhaustion. It was easy to forget what he we
nt through only days ago as we hashed out everything else, but he really needs to rest. I insisted on stopping at the first restaurant we found when it became obvious that navigating the cobblestones was causing him pain.

  “Tell me about Devon,” I say, hoping to perk him up a little. “You mentioned that you lived by the sea.”

  “Dec bought this old derelict house after we graduated. The place was a serious shithole, but he had a dream. He was originally going to tidy it up and pay to get it renovated as and when he could afford it. He was starting a new surfing business at the time, so money was tight. Then one night when I’d had a little too much to drink, I let slip that I knew my way around a building site and offered to help. I didn’t need a paying job, thanks to…” He trails off, but from the look on his face, he doesn’t need to say more. “With the help of a few local tradesmen, we did the entire place. It’s incredible. It looks right out onto the sea. You’d love it.”

  “I’d love to go one day.”

  He looks up with a forkful of pasta halfway to his mouth. “You really want to?”

  “Of course. I want to see where you were living, what you were doing. I’d also like to meet your friends properly. Things were a little…stressed when they came to visit.”

  He studies me for the longest time. “Wha—” He clears his throat, anxious about what he wants to say to me. “What are we doing here?”

  Thoughts of the future and trusting him again have my heart rate increasing, but a future without him in it would be even more panic attack inducing.

  “We’re just taking things one day at a time.” I don’t know how else to get across how I’m feeling. After all these years, he still means so much to me, but I’m terrified of being hurt again.

  Nodding, he takes a sip of his water. “That sounds perfect.”

  It’s nice to spend a few hours like a normal couple—not that we’re either normal or a couple. But memories from the last time we were in a restaurant together aren’t far from my mind. That night had promises of being incredible, but instead it was the beginning of the end.

  “Stop thinking about it,” he warns.

  “How’d you know?”

  “I can read you like a book. Plus, I was thinking the same thing. It’s going to be different this time, baby. Just give us a chance.” Stretching his hand across the table, he tangles our fingers together, rubbing my palm with his thumb.

  The lump in my throat grows too big to be able to talk.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “N-nothing,” I stutter. “Just thinking about that night.” It’s an excuse, and I think he knows it but I’m not ready to put all my fears out on the table quite yet. Today has been draining enough already.

  “Are you done?”

  “Yeah. Let’s get out of here. You need to rest.”

  “Rest wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.”

  “That’s a real shame, Ben, because that’s all you’re getting.” I can’t help but laugh as he sticks his bottom lip out in a childish pout. “One day at a time, remember?”

  “If you say so,” he mutters, gently tucking me against his side as we make our way back to the hotel. I want to relax into it like he wants me too, but I’m not ready to put all my trust in him again. He’s going to have to fight for it.

  The closer we get to the hotel, the slower he becomes, and it’s just the reminder we both need that the only thing that’s happening once we get inside the room is him sleeping. What started out as him holding me soon turns into me helping him along the corridor to our room.

  “We’re almost there.”

  “This is fucking ridiculous. I’ve hardly done anything all day.”

  “You’re broken, Ben. It’s going to take some time.”

  “Argh, fuck,” he groans, lifting his arms so I can pull his t-shirt from his body. “I haven’t got time. I’ve got things I want to do now.” Dropping his head to my neck, his lips tickle against my sensitive skin.

  “Not happening,” I warn.

  “Try saying that when you’re not undoing my trousers.” A laugh rumbles up his throat and the sound has butterflies erupting in my stomach.

  “I meant what I said earlier. One day at a time. That means everything, Ben. I’m not ready to pick up where we left off like six years hasn’t passed. So much has changed. We’ve both changed. We need time to get to know each other again. We might be totally incompatible now.”

  “You’re kidding, right?” As he gently lowers himself to the bed, my eyes lose their fight and run down the length of him. Dark tattoos cover his arms and chest. His stomach is more defined than I remember it being, and my mouth waters to discover the ridges more intimately. Running my eyes down over the elastic of his boxers, I find the evidence of what me undressing him really did to him.

  “It’s been like that since you upped and left earlier. Fancy finishing the job?”

  His eyes are dark and his jaw clenches with need. My mouth waters as the idea of giving him what he needs pops into my head, but it goes against everything I just told him I wanted.

  When I glance back up, his eyes are half-closed, and it’s not with desire. It’s the reminder I need. Him in touching distance is too bloody tempting. It would be too easy to pretend that I’m a careless eighteen-year-old again. If we’re going to do this properly and have any chance of rekindling what we had, then I truly believe taking things slowly is the way forward. Pulling the sheets from the bottom of the bed, I cover his body.

  “I’m going to go and change. I’ll be back in a few minutes. Shout if you need anything.”

  “Lauren,” he calls, just before I disappear into the bathroom.

  “Yeah?”

  When I turn back, his eyes are closed, although the tension in his body means he’s anything but relaxed.

  “I never stopped loving you. I need you to know that.”

  “I know,” I whisper.

  Chapter Eleven

  Ben

  I felt a little more like myself the next day, so Lauren and I spent a couple of hours in the city. We had a very slow walk around the Colosseum and threw coins in the Trevi Fountain. I tried to put on a brave face, but Lauren could tell I was struggling. The moment she spotted a sightseeing bus, she bought us both tickets and we enjoyed the rest of the city from the open top. I hoped she was trying to reserve my energy for when we got back to the hotel room, but I was bitterly disappointed when I once again fell asleep in my tiny single bed with her in her own only a few feet away.

  I’m not sure if she’s trying to torture me on purpose, but my balls are bluer than I thought possible after she walked out mid-sex the previous day. She’s standing by her words and not taking things too far. I’ve no idea how long she intends to continue it; every time I ask, she just repeats the same words about taking each day as it comes.

  Our alone time passes us by all too quickly, and before I know it, we’re back at the airport, preparing to head back to whatever our lives might hold.

  “Are you ready to head back and take the building world by storm?” she asks with a laugh, dragging her eyes away from the little aeroplane window beside her.

  “No.”

  “It is what you want, though?”

  “Right now, all I want is you. My wanking hand’s in a cast, and you’re all the way over here.” Running my nose around the shell of her ear, her body shudders before she gently pushes me away.

  “Behave,” she warns, raising an eyebrow, prompting me to answer her original question.

  “Honestly, taking over that business is the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do. But…”

  “But?”

  I sigh. “I never imagined it would be quite like this.” A sad smile tugs at her lips.

  “I feel like all of this is my fault.” It’s the first time she’s said anything about work the whole trip. “I should have seen that something was wrong. I manage the accounts, for fuck’s sake. I had no idea there was no money.”

  “Don’t even think of
shouldering the guilt for him, Lauren. Your dad was a scumbag, and he made sure he covered his tracks so you wouldn’t find out.” She visibly pales at hearing those harsh words, but they’re true, and she’s going to have to find a way to deal with it.

  “I still should have known. How bad is it?”

  “Bad. We’re going to have to let people go. Mum suggested we look at moving offices to somewhere cheaper but—”

  “That’s where your dad chose for the business.” Looking over, I reach out and take her hand in mine. She’s always had this ability to know exactly what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling, and this is no exception.

  “Yeah. I know it’s the most sensible thing to do, but I can’t help feeling like I’m betraying him.”

  “He would understand, Ben. He would want you to do whatever it takes to save the company, and if that means we run it from the double garage at Jenny’s, then that’s what we’ll do.”

  “We?” I ask, my voice filled with hope. Her expression drops as she thinks over what she said.

  “Oh…uh. I don’t—”

  “Just come back, please?”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” I study her face for any sign she’s lying, but I don’t see anything.

  “But we need you.”

  “No, you don’t,” she says sadly. “Erica’s more than capable. You won’t even notice I’m not there.”

  “Don’t. You belong there just as much as I do.”

  “No, I don’t. I was only there because of him. Everyone’s going to think I was involved or whatever.” She tries brushing the conversation off with a flick of her hand, turning back to the window and trying to cut me off.

  “Lauren, I want you there with me.”