Innocent Lies

by J.W. Phillips

  “Where the hell have you been?” Sarah almost attacked me when I stepped into the front door. I placed the keys on the table and flipped through the mail. “Answer me. I’ve been worried sick. You haven’t answered your phone. Ethan is about to go bat-shit crazy. I’m surprised he’s not here.”

  No, stop. Ethan had been there. He acted like he cared. “Ethan is what happened to me. He let me know what he thought of me, and I spent the last two days trying to forget.”

  “I’m not quite sure what you believe. Ethan is crazy about you. He has been beside himself looking for you.”

  I pushed past her. “E is a good actor. I need a bath, clean clothes, and a nap.”

  I started to yank off my shirt, but did a double take. It still smelt of Ethan, and I was not ready to shed the last bit of him, yet. I collapsed on my bed suddenly feeling exhausted. It had been years but I did something that even surprised me. I sobbed uncontrollably. Tears formed almost daily, that was, however, a gut-wrenching cry that seeped from my soul. Within moments, I heard Sarah come in. She crawled into bed beside me and without a word held me as I let the thought of him go.

  Saturday, November 8, 2014

  “No,” I screamed as I pounded my fist onto my mattress.

  The last three nights, I had the same dream I have been plagued with the last few years. But worse. The cold, hard ride in the bed of the truck was the same. The difference was, I was no longer pulled out by the monster from my past. It was Ethan and something in his eyes let me know he could hurt me far worse than the monster ever did.

  I heard the newest star of my dreams. “Let me back there,” Ethan yelled.

  “No, I don’t know what happened, but Dylan has never disappeared and more, she has never cried herself to sleep.” Sarah replied.

  “Please, she’s screaming,” Ethan begged. “I can never say I’m sorry enough.” I heard his fist slam onto the wall.

  “She wakes up screaming a lot. I’m sure you’re only adding to the nightmares.” Sarah informed him.

  I shoved the pillow over my face only to have it pried away. “I don’t care what is going on with you and lover boy out there, but he is about to get us in trouble.” Deacon said, hovering over me with a glare.

  I slung my legs off the bed and ran my hands through my ragamuffin hair. I was not ready to face him. I didn’t think I ever would have been. My legs wobbled as I walked into the living room, and caught a glimpse of Ethan. He stood there with his hands crammed in his pockets. The look in his eyes was a new one and could only be described as pure agony.

  “Privy, I thought I would never see you again.” Ethan reached for me. I slapped his hand away and folded my arms across my chest. “Talk to me?” he added.

  “You hurt me.” I shrugged a shoulder. I was angry he was there, and even angrier that I wanted him there. I wanted the will to scream at him and tell him to leave. It wasn’t in me. No matter how much I hurt.

  His face fell. “Privy, you are the one person I never meant to hurt.”

  I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand there and have that talk with him. My heart felt like he had ripped it from my chest, stomped on it, tore it into a million parts, placed it back in my chest, and told it to beat like nothing had happen. “Night, Ethan.”

  He took a step back into the hall. I shut the door, falling to the ground. I listened to his footsteps as he walked away and heaved a sigh.

  “Dylan, you really are dumb. You’ll never find another Ethan.” Deacon said across the room before turning her back on me.

  I needed to get away. I grabbed my purse and opened the door. Stepping out into the hallway, Ethan caught me and smashed me against the wall.

  “Privy,” he whispered in my ear. I trembled. He was the first person that made me feel human and was also the first that made me feel like a piece of trash.

  “Ethan, don’t. I’ve been told all my life I was a piece of crap. I have been treated like crap more times than I can count, but you, Ethan Phillip Asher, you are the first person who made me feel lower than dog shit.” The tears started flowing as everything I had blocked away smacked me in the gut.

  “Dylan, please. It killed me to act like I didn’t care. You mean more to me than anybody ever has.”

  “You have a funny way of showing it.” I tried breaking the hold he had on me. It was useless, his grip only tightened.

  “We both have demons we’re fighting.”

  I squirmed in his arms trying to escape. He held me closer. I felt every muscle in his body strain against me. He stroked his nose along my cheek and kissed the corner of my lip.

  “I can’t take any more pain. Not now.” I said and melted in his arms. His breath heavy on my face. I wanted to pull away from him, but couldn’t. I was certain that I would never be the same again. In his arms was where I belonged. Positive, if he hurt me, I would have been broken beyond repair.

  “Babe. You. Are. Amazing.”

  “Why then? Why did you act like I was a common whore?”

  He cringed and pulled away from me, holding my face in his hands.

  “I’m not the kind of girl you bring home to daddy.” I stated so blankly it startled even me.

  “Not my dad.” Ethan pushed the hair off my face. “My father is my demon. I won’t let them know who you are until I’m sure you’re safe.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “There are things about me you don’t know yet. I will tell you but until then, I’ll never let anybody hurt you especially not them.” He kissed my forehead. “Come home with me? Please, Privy.”

  I shook my head ‘no,’ gripped his hand, and did the dumbest thing I had ever done in my life. “I can’t.” I said and turned from him.

  Saturday, November 15, 2014

  I had to remind myself to put one foot in front of the other that whole past week. I haven’t seen or heard from Ethan since I turned my back on him. I did it to save my heart. The only problem with that was, he had ripped it from my chest and kept it. The hollowness where my heart beat was pronounced and physically ached. Bruises and broken bones heal, I didn’t know if I ever would.

  I tossed in bed, not ready to face another night alone, and slung a pillow across the room. Why did I let that S.O.B. get to me? How I wish I had never met him! That was a lie and I knew it. When I was with him, I felt alive and whole. I needed a clear head and prayed after a week of mourning that I would finally be able to move on. I flinched as the door was flung open.

  “Are you okay?” Deacon barraged in the room in her usual dogmatic way. “I’ve been calling you. There is someone here to see you.”

  “Who?” I asked and smiled for the first time in a week. I suddenly realized, I wanted to see Ethan.

  “Some girl with a delivery.” She yanked the covers. “Get up.”

  “Oh.” No, Ethan.

  I jerked on my robe and scrambled to the front door, half-asleep. A cheap-looking blonde stood in our living room holding a long white box.

  “Sign, please.” The blonde held out a clipboard and smacked a piece of gum. Classy.

  “Thank you.” I handed her the clipboard back, and took the box from her arms. I laid it on the table and opened it. Inside was a massive bouquet of orange primroses. I snatched the card that was nestled amongst the flower petals.

  My Beautiful Dylan, What can I do? I can’t stand to get up every morning and go about my life as if the world is okay. My world crumbled the day you turned your back on me. I can’t eat, sleep, or even think straight. I know it hurt when I ignored you whenever Victoria appeared. It killed me to do it, but I didn’t have another choice. Give me an hour and let me explain. Dylan, when I first held your hand I found my heart and I will do anything to get it back. Always yours (whether you want me or not), E

  I started to hurl the flowers and card into the nearest trashcan, but my heart wasn’t in it. They smelled incredible and for one more night, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I marched to my room relieved that no one followed me and tossed t
hem on the dresser. I rejoiced in the silence, not wanting to talk. What was there to talk about anyway?

  I laid in bed with my head buried under the pillows trying to figure out what to do next. Going to him was the simple answer. I didn’t even change out of my pajamas, just grabbed my keys, and headed to my old car.

  Sliding down the outside of Ethan’s front door, I was unsure how I ended up there. My mind was in a fog. Should I knock? Was he home? Was he alone? I pulled out my cell. My fingers trembled as I typed out my first text.

  Hey, it’s me.

  Are you up?

  I glanced at the time on the cell. It was three a.m. I doubted he was up, so the instant ping on the phone was surprising.

  Can’t sleep without my privy

  Want to talk?

  No, not tonight

  Remember when you told me

  to tell you what I wanted?

  Yes

  Hold me

  Where are you?

  On your front porch

  Moments from hitting the send button, the door franticly opened and I flipped into the foyer. Ethan looked down at me laughing. “Damn, I’ve had girls drooling in the past, but never falling at my feet.” He knelt down and took my hand pulling me to my feet. He grew serious. “I missed you.”

  “Hold me. I’m tired and can’t sleep.”

  He held my hand and led me down the hall to his room. He didn’t switch on the light or even speak as he helped me in the bed and crawled in with me. Next to him, I fell asleep almost immediately.

  Sunday, November 16, 2014

  Groggy, I took in the room of one Mr. Ethan Asher. The walls, draperies, and bedspread were a creamy white; the carpeting was a deep brown. On the far facing wall was a heavily carved, dark-stained cherry dresser. The bed was intricately carved and covered in white gauze. The wall to the left held a solid wood bookcase displaying miniature antique cars and pictures of family and friends. I was pacified that not one picture of Victoria was present. Over the bed, an oil painting of a vintage Thunderbird hung.

  However, it wasn’t the surroundings that grabbed my attention, but the muscles under the shirt I was slowly kneading. I worked my hand under his shirt and traced over another one of his tattoos. It was of a spider web that covered his entire left side. In the bottom right corner, an open heart dangled from the web. I couldn’t stop from running my finger along the heart. My poor, sweet E, his heart had been opened for love and I prayed I would be the girl to give it to him.

  “Good morning, Privy.” Ethan’s voice was gruff and husky from sleep. “Sleep well?” He pushed the hair off my forehead and let his finger linger down my face.

  Crap, I slept great. Of course, I was in Ethan’s arms. “I’ve never slept so sound. I feel normal in your arms, not like a piece of trash.”

  “I like you in my arms. I was wondering if you would answer me one question and I won’t ask another one,” he said. I rested my head lightly on his chest as he begun to play with my hair.

  “Will you answer me a few?” I pulled the covers tightly under my chin, feeling exposed.

  He nodded his head. “Anything,” he said and held me, cautiously. “Privy, why do you call yourself trash all the time?”

  That was a story I didn’t know if I could share with him. He shifted his fingers through my hair and rested them on my shoulder. I gripped his fingers in mine and kissed each one of his knuckles. Who was I kidding? My mind couldn’t refuse him anything. “I told you about my dad dying?”

  “Babe, being an orphan doesn’t make you trash.”

  I held up my pointer finger signaling for him to wait. “My life went into a downward spiral when he died. Not only did my daddy die, but the part of my mom that made her human die too. She started dating one loser after another. One of them got her hooked on the hard stuff, and she became a zombie. Then he came into our lives.”

  I felt Ethan tremble. He held me painfully tight.

  “Louie found enjoyment in hurting me.”

  “Did he touch you?” Ethan asked. My head popped up at the sound of his voice. It was equivalent to pure evil. My mind didn't know how to process everything around me, so after taking a couple of deep breaths, I sat up. He tugged me back onto his body. "Stay with me." That was not the problem, I wanted to stay with him.

  “He never hit me, pushed me around a lot.” I shivered as Ethan’s body became rigid. “He made me their slave. I did everything for them. The hardest was cooking every night. We never had a lot of food. So when I cooked, my stomach hurt because I was so hungry and I never knew if I would get to eat or not.”

  “Why?”

  “He forced me to sit in the corner and watch them. I only got to eat after they were done. Hardly ever was there any left.” I paused. “I got to eat at school, but had to be careful, the kids already thought I was a freak, so I couldn’t gorge like I wanted too.”

  “I would love to kill him.” Ethan was scary still. It was as if I was lying in the arms of a slab of stone. The only thing to let me know he was with me was the way he squeezed my upper arm.

  “You don’t have to.” I masked my face onto his chest. The last time I spoke to my mom, she said I ruined her life because I killed the only men who ever loved her. My dad was rushing home to see my school play when the accident happened, and Louie shot himself to avoid prison for what he let them do to me. “He’s already dead.”

  I planted a kiss on his chest. I needed courage for what was to come. “They owned some bad people money, one night three monsters showed up to collect. Louie gave me in trade.” Reliving the memories made me panic. I had a hard time breathing, and could almost hear the harsh breaths of the men who broke me. Who made me unlovable. Who took a piece of me I could never get back--my sanity. I stopped, got up, and didn’t look back as I headed to the bathroom, hearing each step he took behind me. I slammed the door, sliding down it until my ass hit the marble flooring, and wrapped my arms around my knees. It was cold and hard, but it was paradise compared to the cold and unforgiving truck bed they tied me into.

  “Privy, please, let me in. You can tell me everything or not say another word. Either way it won’t change how I feel about you.”

  Hearing his voice caused me to sink into a tighter ball. I wanted to make myself as small as possible, invisible. He slowly pushed the door open, shoving me with it. I stood up and stared at him through the veil of my hair.

  “No, you won’t.” I scraped the hair off my face and squared my shoulders. I couldn’t stand there another minute and took a step. “They raped me. I can’t get passed it. So I know you can’t.”

  Ethan lunged and yanked me to him. “Don’t ever tell me what I can and can’t do. I don’t give a damn what you did to survive. But I will promise you this, those guys or anybody else will never hurt you again.”

  We maintained eye contact, simply because I was unable to look away. Ethan had the power to control me with a simple glance; that small part of me that willed me to be me. That part wanted nothing more than to see him happy. “I had never even kissed a boy. They took that. After they got through with me, the worst one tied me in the back of a truck. It was so cold and it seemed like we rode forever. When they finally stopped and started untying me, I hit the most monstrous one and ran. Instantly, he was on top of me. He wouldn’t stop. Over and over again, he would hit me with such force. The other two stood there and laughed. One kicked me a few times, but the one wouldn’t stop. I tried fighting them. I did. But I couldn’t take anymore. I just couldn’t take it, and luckily blacked out. I remember them pouring cold liquid on me and found out later it was lighter fluid. They thought I was dead.”