Innocent Lies

by J.W. Phillips

  “Why are you so good to me? Why do you keep putting up with my shit?” I clenched my shaking hands around his back.

  “I love you.” He broke out into a mega-watt smile that sealed my heart only for him forever. “Stand right here.” He kissed my forehead.

  My jaws ached, my muscles ached, everywhere ached. I was a ball of clenched nerves. Ethan turned my back toward the truck. He didn’t want me to face my fears that night. It would be hard enough as it was. I heard him gather his ‘crap’ together. But didn’t hear his footsteps until he was at my back.

  “I’m scared, too.” He said and a rush of his breath spread down my neck.

  I zoned out, but I didn’t go back to that fateful night. I went numb, ready for anything. He fanned out an air mattress and squatted down to pump it up. I watched the mattress inflate and couldn’t help but to wonder if it would be a night of making love out under the stars or a night of heartbreak?

  I watched as Ethan meticulously set up the campsite, still unable to move. I was terrified of where to go from there. He took my hand and guided me to sit on the mattress that was covered with a set of sheets and an oversize sleeping bag. He worked a piece of hair behind my ear.

  “You want to start light or get to the hard stuff?”

  I peeked up at him, letting my hair fall around my face. “Th..eee ha..rrrd.” I stuttered.

  He laid back and tucked me onto his chest. He played with my hair. It seemed to pacify him and, maybe even, comfort him. “When I gave the money for your scholarship, I also paid a fair amount to seal your records. I didn’t want anyone finding you. I think including me. For some reason, I still don’t understand, but I couldn’t get you off my mind. I’ve thought about you every day since that attack. Then in court.” He sounded like he was tearing up. “You were so strong and beautiful. It was hard not to beat the hell out of our lawyer for the way he was treating you, but you held your own.”

  “I had the truth on my side.” I twisted a button on his shirt until it fell off. Ethan didn’t say anything so I started on a new one.

  “What really hurt was when you set down in the gallery after you got through testifying. I realized that you had no one there for you. It broke my heart. My ass of a brother had a room full of people.” He kissed the top of my head. “You, this sweet angel that had been through hell, had no one.”

  “I didn’t feel alone. The courtroom was filled with people, from the community, that felt for me and wanted to see him hang.” I swallowed. “I also had me. I learned a long time ago as long as I held onto who I truly was and didn’t forget the happy moments, I would always be okay.”

  He started lacing and unlacing his fingers through mine. “You are too damn perfect. I needed a hug that day and I’ve never wanted anything more than to give you one. I wanted to see you smile. I knew you were living at the Tennessee Baptist Children’s Home, and I spent the next three days learning all I could about the place. I found out they were good to the girls.”

  “Very, I was treated great there. A few of the girls were rough, but it was all they knew.”

  “I also learned that none of the girls from there go to college.” He continued, trying to stay calm. “I wanted you to have a future.” His whole body shrugged. “I wanted one with you, but truly didn’t think it was possible. The one thing I could give you was a chance for an education.”

  I rose up to see his face. “I thought you were starting with the hard stuff? How is taking care of me hard?”

  He kissed my moist lips and rubbed my face. “Taking care of you is the most natural and easiest thing in the world, but I need to tell you everything.”

  I laid back down on his chest and hooked my finger in his belt loop. I wanted to calm the ache in him. I should have told him to hush. That it didn’t matter, but it did.

  “I got the trust set up for your scholarship and paid to have your records sealed. I didn’t want them finding you. I thought you would never let me touch you, much less love me. So I wanted to make sure I couldn’t find you either. Then my uncle got out of jail. He only had to serve three months for selling drugs to Lou . . . that scum and the small amount he had on him. He was pissed he had to serve at all and blamed you. He placed a contract out for your life. Fifty grand for your head.”

  I snuggled into him to ease the thumping in my chest. Why am I even breathing with a price like that over my head? Ethan was my lifeline, my protector. “Why? Three months was hardly anything.”

  “Because you talked and he’s a rich ass . . . I can never take back the years of pain and betrayal you suffered. I hate what you have been put through. But I made you a promise that no one else would hurt you, ever again. I went to my uncle and humbled myself in front of the bastard. I told him it was my fault you lived. I didn’t want the damn money. I wanted to prove my loyalty to him. I couldn’t drink enough that night to wash those words out of my mouth, but he bought it. It gave me time to figure out how to keep you safe. Your records were sealed which I showed him. It bought me more time. A few years actually, but he was about to resend the bounty out when I got a copy of your report card. Every semester they sent me your grades. They thought it was the clause about the grades in your scholarship, but it was the only way I knew you were okay. This time it was not a retype of your grades. It was an actual copy of your transcript. Bingo, I knew you were in Knoxville. My uncle was determined your days were numbered. I didn’t know if I could save your life, but I’d be damned if I let any of them hurt you again. If they wanted you dead, I would do it. That is the only way I knew you wouldn’t hurt.”

  I couldn’t hear anything, except for the ringing in my ears. Even the task of breathing seemed hard to accomplish. Ethan agreed to kill me. Then, now, I didn’t know or care. I bolted to my feet.

  He didn’t move a muscle, except for his hand that gripped my ankle. “I couldn’t . . . yes, I tried, but I always knew I couldn’t do it.” He gently pulled my feet out from under me, sending me tumbling on top of him. “Sit and listen.”

  I nodded my head before my eyes caught his. His eyes were focused on me, not wavering in the slightest. He glared at me with an intensity I’d not seen before. His eyes were aggressive, wide, and scared. I blinked rapidly and paused. My heartbeat pounded in my ears as my breathing caught in my throat. Of course, my body obeyed his unspoken command.

  “When I found you in that restaurant, my heart stopped. Everything, I’ve ever-wanted sat in that little booth. Everything that I was sent to destroy. Brandon was with us that day, so I couldn’t say anything to you. He would’ve killed you that night. Jamie and he are full-blooded brothers and only a year apart. I went back every day looking for you. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw you again. Fuck, you’re beautiful, almost too beautiful.” He lightly touched my face, barely making contact. “I couldn’t believe I finally was talking to you. I tried not liking it, but hell, I loved it. The sound of your voice it was different, stronger maybe. My heart was racing. I was scared.” He flashed me his sexy-as-hell half smiled and winked flirtatiously. “You, little lady terrified me. I had already thought of the how and where, but the time hit me then. That Friday was supposed to have been an excellent time to view the night sky. I could have one perfect night with you, before . . .”

  A teardrop slid down his cheek. I wiped it away and tried smiling. I couldn’t decide if he was telling me a nightmare or a love story?

  “After work that Friday, I went to the field to hide the gun and popped way too many pills. I’d never been so stoned. If I was a little off that night, that’s why. I thought if I got you relaxed, I could take the gun out, and shoot without you ever knowing. My sweet miracle could sleep and never live through any more pain. The minute you opened the door that night, I knew that was not going to happen. I think I loved you even then. Hell, I’ve loved you since I found you in that field.”

  He tilted his head, a frown line creased his forehead, and he raised an eyebrow waiting on a response. What could I say? I wanted to f
ind the words, the right words to make him smile. After judging my response for a few minutes, he started up again.

  “You fell asleep in my arms. It would had been so easy, but nothing about taking the life of the one good force in mine would have ever been easy. I took you home. You woke up and for a moment, I still think you knew who I really was. I laid you down and watched you sleep. For the first time ever, I cried. You were what I wanted, needed. The girl I had spent the last four years trying to forget. But no one my family has ever put a contract out for lived. Hell, you had already lived longer than anybody else ever did. I walked the rest of the night, trying to figure out what to do. I ran into Jim at a bar. He is one of my main dominants at the Dungeon. I told him everything. He owned the farm outside of town that had the drive-in on it. It was usually used for porn for his sex parties, but he set it up for me. His nephew and son would kill you so I wouldn’t have too and shoot me in the shoulder to cover my ass. You know the whole I took her out in the woods and was robbed story.” Each word that came from his mouth sounded like it was being ripped from his soul.

  The sorrow pouring out of his warm, breathtaking eyes was deeper than I had ever seen before. The already battered and bruised skin on his face was creased as if he couldn’t handle any more pain. A face that pleasing should’ve never been that haunting.

  “I couldn’t stop looking at you that night. It made me so happy to be next to you, but at the same time, I wanted to ram my fist through the windshield because someone was going to jump out of those woods and take your life. I wouldn’t let ‘em. I raced out of there and you know the rest of the story.” He locked his hands together at my side and squashed his face onto my chest. I picked at his hair and thank the good Lord, I was still somewhat numb.

  I wanted to ask so many more questions, but the sadness coming off Ethan washed over me and left me without the faculty to speak. I curled myself around him. The guilt in him was too much for me. It was a guilt I knew all too well. A guilt he had to learn to release for us ever to move on.

  “My sweet E, you didn’t hurt me. You have never hurt me. You wouldn’t even have sex with me until you knew you wouldn’t hurt me. I can remember when my daddy died. I was little but I could still hear them say he loved me too much and was racing home to see my school play. He traveled with his job and was coming home after being gone for a week. He was trying not to miss my school’s Christmas play. I was playing the elf that made the last gift. My aunt made the statement at the funeral ‘If he wasn’t so wrapped up in Dylan he would have spent one more night in Knoxville and still been alive’. They didn’t mean to hurt me. I doubt they knew I was listening, but they made me feel like I killed him.”

  I snuggled as close as I could to Ethan and held his hand in mine. I started picking at his cuticle beds as the guilt my five-year-old self felt over the loss of my dad overcame me.

  “At the time, my mom was perfect in my eyes and all she did was cry. I made her cry because I killed daddy.”

  Ethan started making a shushing sound in my ear and franticly kissed by cheek. I didn’t even realize I had started crying until my tears flowed over the warmness where Ethan’s lips had been.

  “Oh, E, I know now I had nothing to do with it. Just like you had nothing to do with what happened to me. You have to stow the guilt for all of it. So we can move on. Just like I did. Even after mom started drinking and bringing home one guy after another; I would pray that one of them would make her happy like daddy did. Then maybe she wouldn’t hate me anymore.”

  “Privy, you were just a kid. Nothing was your fault.”

  “I know that now. One weekend, my mom got me all dressed up. I didn’t know why until later, but I was going to live with my grandma that summer. My dad’s mom, Elizabeth. Mom told me that if I told grandma anything she was doing that it would kill her too. I was scared to say anything. No matter what my mom had become, I didn’t want her to die too. That summer was the best summer in my life. Granny Beth lived on a big farm. Every morning, I would jump out of bed to fetch the eggs for the chickens. Uncle Rob, my dad’s brother, taught me how to milk a goat. Still, no matter how much they all loved me, I wouldn’t open my mouth to speak. I didn’t want my mom to die, too. One night, I saw a little cow being born. The little calf had something wrong with it and no matter what Granddaddy or Uncle Rob did the little calf wasn’t going to make it. That was the day that I learned that I can’t control anything but myself. Granny Beth explained that no one could control that the little calf was born sick. I had no control over the fact that my dad died in an accident or even control the actions of my mom. Because they made their own choices in life and as long as I made the right choices for me, I didn’t have anything to be guilty for. I had to learn to push the guilt away and remember that I couldn’t control the actions of others just my own. See Ethan, I didn’t make my dad drive home that day or force my mom to go off the deep end.”

  I turned toward Ethan and brought my face within an inch of his. “What Louie and those other boys did to me was not my fault. It was them and their problems.”

  I softly kissed his lips. “Just like you. You can’t control what anybody did to me or wanted to do to me. Only what you do and no one has been better to me than you. You risked everything to save me. You didn’t hurt me; you couldn’t even when you did try. You only ever saved me from more pain. I can’t imagine how hard that was on you. Don’t feel guilty, because honestly, I don’t know how I will ever repay you for all you have done for me.”

  My eyes locked with his. There was an anguish in him that caused the muscles in my heart to clench together. He raked is hands through my hair. Ethan was crazed. He jerked me over on of top him and grabbed my shirt. I heard the rip, before I felt it being tugged from my body. Shit, I didn’t have another shirt out there in the middle of nowhere. Obviously, Ethan didn’t get the memo because the button on my pants popped off from the force of his grasp. His lips sealed with mine. He submerged his tongue down the back of my throat. My oversensitive skin went crazy.

  “Stand up,” he commended in a tight, frantic voice.

  I hopped to my feet. He followed right behind me. His mouth hardly had a chance to leave mine. He pushed my pants to my knees, then used his foot to shoved them to the ground where they tangled with my shoes. The hungry little moans he was purring caused my body to react in ways I didn’t even believe was possible. He unclasped my bra and took a step back. He circled around my naked body and tapped his finger over his lips before wrapping his arm around my waist. He jerked me to his still clothed body.

  “You’re mine, Dylan.” He trailed the tip of his fingers down my breast and pinched my nipples. I squealed. “Mine. All of you. My sweet, beautiful Dylan.”

  He pulled on my hair, yanking my head up. He leaned in to kiss me, but stopped short of my lips. “Say it. Say you’re mine.”

  Ethan was not trying to control me; he was scared of losing me. It was easy to tell in the way he was shaking and the one single tear falling down his face. I would had agreed to anything to soothe the hurt in him.

  “I’m always yours. Always.” I reached up to stroke his face. He barely kissed the tip of my nose. Ethan eased me back on the mattress. He stood back up and removed my shoes and pants, before slowly removing every square inch of the clothing he was wearing. The show he made of revealing each ripple on his body was almost my undoing. I unawarely smoothed my hand down between my legs. His eyes went wide. I realized what I was doing and blushed. I didn’t want to lose the lustful look in Ethan’s eyes so I lifted my fingers and swirled my tongue around them.

  “Damn,” he said as he dropped to the ground. “You’re going to pay for that.”

  He started to rain kisses down my thighs. “Mine.” He cut his eyes up and smiled as he run his nose along the folds between my legs. “Better than the finest wine.”

  He was driving me crazy. “Ethan, if you don’t fuck me right now. I’m going to take the mine thing back.”

  He twisted
off me and onto his back. His erection stood hard and proud. He stroked his hand up and down his impressive length.

  “Straddle me, Privy.” He demanded. I did as I was told. “Easy, babe.”

  The animalistic sounds he made as he gripped the base of his cock fueled the fire deep between my legs. I braced my body over his and held onto his shoulders. He teased me with the tip of his erection. I slammed down on his cock. I never wanted him to forget that moment. I wanted to sear the feelings he had for me deep within his soul. I cried out as the pain hit. I didn’t care. I was going to ride him with everything in me. I plunged my tongue deep into his mouth to avoid the scream that was trying to erupt to the surface. I lifted my hips and sunk back down over his entire length. Damn, it burned, pulled, stung, and felt absolutely amazing. The way his body bucked under mine and the groans that rung from deep within his chest assured me I was doing something right. I broke my lips away from his as I began riding him faster. He placed his thumb between us and over my clit. He worked it in circles as I rode him hard, stretching my entrance with each thrust.