Damned

by K R Leikvoll

  He kissed me. Though I tried to make him stop, it only proceeded to worsen. “This is what you wanted, isn’t it?” his voice was raspy in my ear after he finally broke away. His hands, the same ones that violated Eve, did the same to me. He ripped at my robes and we struggled.

  I felt his lips trail down my neck until he bit into my shoulder. I loathed his arousing touch – my mind pleaded for me to be set free from the confusion of the spellbinding power I had no control over. He scratched at my thighs, reaching between my legs until I kicked him with enough force to knock him aside.

  I took a few desperate steps toward the door, but he pulled me off balance by my torn robes. I dared to summon War, despite knowing I could do nothing to defend myself. He laughed at my pointless efforts try to resist and knocked my hands away again, making my blades dissolve. He proceeded to punch me in the face repeatedly afterward to disorient me, and it worked. I still fought back as much as I could, until we were a twisting mass of blood, teeth and ripped out hair.

  Vince had such a hard grasp on me, I really thought that I did not have a chance at getting away. When he lowered himself on top of me, all I could focus on was how much I didn’t want to be touched by him – by the same piece of him he used to fornicate with the light. It felt dirty and wrong – and it destroyed me. The one person I adored more than any other should have been able to love me without me loathing our contact.

  He ruined it. He ruined it all.

  Though I thrashed and clawed, it did not stop him from forcing himself in me. I did not care that he saw me at my lowest. I wanted to break completely – to stop fighting… but that is all I know how to do. I focused on escaping, taking advantage of Vincent’s poor attention as he thought he won. I bashed my head into his face as hard as I could, while simultaneously kicking at his legs and stomach. It was just enough to get myself free from him for a moment.

  I crawled toward the doorway, flinching at the sound of crashing objects behind me. I was about to climb to my feet when I felt him wrap his hand around my ankle to pull me back. The tears that spilled from my eyes had nothing to do with physical pain. How could I love a man so awful? How did he embed himself so deeply in me that I became incapable of escaping? How had it gone on for so long?

  When would it be over?

  Just as I thought my horrible ordeal was going to continue – that I might be yanked at any moment, Vince’s door opened. James was standing in the threshold, horrified by the sight he was greeted with. Vince’s grasp around my leg loosened and I used the opportunity to flee. I stumbled to my feet and ran from his room. James started speaking, perhaps Vince did as well, but I could not hear it clearly. I did not care remotely – I slammed my door and made my way to my vanity.

  Raven and Guinevere were on their feet, fussing with me but I knocked their hands away. At least they made themselves useful and gave me a water basin and a fresh silk gown to change into. My face was stained with blood and tears, riddled with bruises and scratch marks. I wiped the mess away with water until I could no longer stand it.

  I screamed and punched the mirror, the cut of glass stinging my knuckle bones. It shattered the entire thing, causing the adorning gemstones to crumble as well. My vision grew fuzzy and I pulled at my hair. I wanted to rip my skin off. I wanted to find the root of him within me, to remove it so I would no longer feel.

  “Lazarus,” a soothing voice tried to calm me.

  I couldn’t. I tried, but I couldn’t.

  I screamed until my voice went hoarse. I felt arms around me but I could not tell who it was. Even a caring touch was agonizing. Everything was.

  I am not sure how long it took for me to notice it was James holding me. My crying had turned into shaking. The ringing in my ears became a buzz. His smell – a smell that reminded me faintly of Evya – gave me something else to focus on. He was rocking and shushing me until I became cognitively aware enough to pull myself away.

  “No more,” I choked to him, shaking my head in utter numbness. I pointed my finger in the direction of Vince’s room. “You must choose, James.”

  His eyes widened and he stared at the floor fixedly. I waited for a response, yet there was none he could give. The shadows of my torment filled my hands, forming into War. I tipped his head up to me with one of the blades that rested against his throat.

  “It is me… or him,” I began, fighting through how difficult it was to speak. “Naazvaba or eternal suffrage. I am through waiting and playing these games with you as an undeclared mediator. One day, James. That is all I am giving you. You will kneel before me, or perish with the rest.”

  I never really knew James – nobody did.

  Of course, I knew him better than the public. Though his nickname from his Warden days still clung to him, he could not have been further from the merciless man people thought him to be, and even I knew that much. In honesty, I had no foresight to what he would ultimately decide to do. While half of me believed nobody beyond Vincent and Maundrell were stupid enough to disobey Naazvaba, I knew James’ love ran deep for our Master. Deeper than bonds and dark gods.

  He was absent when I woke to the most violent shockwave I have ever encountered the following morning. It was stronger than an earthquake, shattering my window and cracking the foundation around me. In my grogginess, I attached myself to Raven and Guinevere, both just as disoriented. Raven forcibly pulled himself from me to move toward the door, which flew open wildly before he could clutch the doorknob. I worried we were under attack, summoning my blades and attempting to follow my brother.

  “What’s going on? What did you do?” Vince’s voice screeched from the door’s threshold. The bags under his eyes had never been more bruised looking. His hands were trembling and it appeared as though he had been tearing at his hair much as I had been the night previously. It was bizarre.

  “Nothing!” Raven responded sharply, despite the comment being directed at me. “We should be asking that of you!”

  I watched Vince’s pupils dilate with fury. He scanned over Raven before shooting me a glare. He had played the game well, or at least well enough up until that point. Vince knew that Raven’s place was by my side. Even Guinevere favoring me seemed to trigger some sort of internal tantrum in our Master.

  “If you didn’t do it then –” Vince interrupted himself, his expression sobering. His eyes grew wide and afraid.

  Never, and I mean never, had I witnessed my Master show a true semblance of fear. It was the oddest look he had ever worn. It made his youthful appearance more like that of a lost child. Without another word, he tore off down the stairs. Also odd, as Vince found walking to be a waste of time normally. It took me a moment to realize that he did not shift into shadows because he couldn’t.

  “Where is James?” Raven asked turning around suddenly, and I immediately understood why. He had been in the room, in bed with us the night before. When I focused on him, he was not there, and I do not mean just physically. The line – the tie that bound us together was gone. Gone. It was not extended like during our Master’s interstellar trips… it was nonexistent.

  I crouched, paralyzed, trying to focus even harder. Where was he? It felt as though he were dead, but Lord Nakarius would have told me if that was the case. When I glanced back up at Raven, he was clearly unnerved himself, noticing the same thing. We were speechless.

  Caught in a dense fog, I got up and shuffled to my armor like I was trudging through mud in the moor of Wrath. I am not sure why I felt I needed it; I simply did. Both Guinevere and Raven watched me put it on in silence. I needed to find him. Raven was right – we did not need any more traitor demons in our midst, so close to the end. Was that what James was? Had he run away or worse?

  “I’m going to the dungeons,” I told them, trying to use an authoritative tone despite the sinking sensation I was enduring. “Search the palace for James and bring him to me. He will not sneak away from his responsibilities to Naazvaba.”

  Raven and Guinevere nodded quickly and accompani
ed me out of the tower to look. Guinevere left toward the tower of Sendrys and her deceased kin while Raven headed to the western library. I will not lie about my emotions. I was somewhere between terrified and furious. James may have been Vince’s pet, but he was still my brother. I loved him as much as I was capable of. The idea that he was dead hurt me worse than the actual death of Sendrys.

  “He dwells not within the Void,” Lord Nakarius growled in my ears. “He dwells with no demon or devil.” I was about to ask what he meant, but the sounds of a struggle from Eve’s cell made me freeze in place once I entered the dungeons.

  The presence of the light – no matter how small it had become over the course of the Divinus’ stay in Duskwraith – was absent. Its putrid warmth – the disgusting chime of it was gone. If there was no light, there could be no Nephilim… correct?

  “You will never have her!” Eve’s voice echoed into the hall. My heart, if it was still somewhere inside of me, stopped. “You’ve lost! Hurting me won’t save you from the Void!”

  Vincent must have snapped because she started to scream a horrible, bloodcurdling scream. He was climbing on top of her – I could see it through the door. My mind was blank, yet it was filled with a thousand different thoughts. Eve said, “her.” I refused to believe that their cursed child existed, for Eve had not been visibly pregnant! Could the Divines really make an infant in a day? Or had she been pregnant that entire time without our knowledge?

  Most importantly, where was the Nephilim?

  The hallway of the dungeon felt as though it was elongated as I tried to make my way to Vince. It was finally happening... and not as intended. Eve was rasping and gurgling loud enough for me to hear it through the door, repeating over and over in an attempt to torture me. Time was continuing onward, yet it was like it was paused. Traveling to the cell was an out of body experience – what would await me inside? I leaned against the wall for support. Somehow my feet kept moving though my mind had stalled completely. My fingertips braced against the chilled steel of the door. I did not want to see, but I still pushed on it until it creaked open.

  "Master?" My voice was a whisper because it was all I could manage.

  Vince was throttling the Divinus. The smell of her rotten blood was nauseating – she was missing limbs. Her detached right arm lay in the corner. It was an odd sight, as someone as holy as her should have been able to regrow it. My chest ached when I finally understood what it meant. She did not heal, just the same as Vince. A sure sign of death in both of them.

  Before I could do anything, he was on me. His eyes, dazed with pure hatred, showed that he was not entirely in his right mind. They were far away, so consumed with loss and defeat I was unsure how to react. His blood soaked hands gripped my throat as if he intended to kill me. Truth be told, I thought it might have been the end – he pushed hard enough to make me fear for my life. I called upon Lord Nakarius desperately as my vision grew foggy and out of touch. I gripped his hands, forcing my demonic power through my palm and igniting his flesh and clothing in my last ditch effort to get away.

  “James,” his voice growled as he pulled me up by my throat. “Go find him, now!”

  Find James? He felt so little through their blood bond and his grief that he did not even notice his absence. I could have removed myself from his grasp but I was overwhelmed. So overwhelmed that I did not stop him from throwing me into the door, causing it to buckle. The only thing I could think about was locating the Nephilim. What if that child slipped through my fingers and into the hands of enemies? Cursed or not, it belonged with demons so it could be fed the necessary power it needed for the Void Lords.

  Vincent was putting an end to the last Queen Divinus Eve when I gathered myself and stood up. I despised her and was relieved her life was finally over. What poison she had infected him with in his mind made her deserving of worse, though, truly, she aided me by weakening him. She gave me the grand opportunity to have power over him for once. I suppose it might have made me sad that I did not have the privilege of killing her first in a show of my thanks. I ran from the dungeons to find Raven, my boots’ clinking almost drowning out the sound of her neck snapping.

  I made it through about half of the palace before I finally found him. He seemed to have come to the same conclusion that our brother was truly gone. He was a lot closer to James than I was, so it affected him differently. He was sitting on one of the eastern balconies, overlooking the ocean. His eyes were drilling a hole into Asinea – so focused, I thought he did not hear me approach.

  “There is no true evil in man,” Raven’s voice hummed. “Everyone believes they are doing the right thing, even if it is perceived as wrong.” He finally peered at me on his side. He was expressionless but I could feel intense agony coursing through him. “James said that to me once… when I asked him if he saw our actions as evil.” He grew downcast and could no longer meet my stare. “For a man that watched and attended multiple genocides, he was very open about the perspectives others had of him. I regarded him as an intelligent, charismatic hand of our Master… how foolish of me.”

  “He has the Nephilim.” I could not stop myself from uttering the words. “He’s missing, she is missing. We have to find them.”

  Raven looked back at Asinea who cared not for the plights of her daughter, Praetis. “How do you know this is not Vincent’s plan?” he asked, using our Master’s name for the first time. His respect for the man had been fully shattered. “Having James run off with his darling child… it sounds like a last ditch effort to disrupt Naazvaba and James is stupid enough to go along with anything he says.”

  “You spoke highly of him until recently. Perhaps if you had this sort of foresight earlier, I would not have to track down an infant.”

  “One of us should look,” he agreed, moving past my attitude and panic. “And one of us should watch over Vince.”

  “By all means,” I hissed gesturing to the balcony. “Relax, tend to our Master. I’ll go do all the work as usual.”

  “Lazarus,” he groaned, trying to catch me but I snatched myself away. “Please. I’m all you have now. We cannot afford to fight each other.”

  “Save it. Learn what you can. There is not a place in the world he can hide from us.”

  Before I departed, I could not simply leave without seeing Vincent myself.

  Raven and I followed Vince’s trail to his bedroom, as we dared not go alone. We could hear him as we were climbing the staircase – letting out yells of fury intermittent to crashing. When we reached the room, he was pacing with his hands in his hair. I was immediately disturbed, for Eve’s crippled and still-bleeding corpse lay on his bed.

  “I don’t know where to bury her!” he exclaimed, entirely distraught. It was as if he expected us to have some sort of idea or worry that she would not be put to rest properly after her violent death. “She made me so angry! I couldn’t –” he fell to his knees, utterly pitiful. “I couldn’t control myself. And Val… oh, Val.” He rocked back and forth like he was on a boat in high tides. I thought I would be sick from the sight of his agony.

  What once was an object of destruction and power was now his precious child.

  Who once stood before us as our enemy was his perished beloved.

  And I was his curse.

  “Where is James!” he demanded to know. “I must see him at once!”

  Raven was silent, probably in shock. I wanted to attack Vince… I wanted to rip him to pieces for what he was doing to my heart. How could he hold all of these emotions for a woman he tortured for a year and the child he forced her to have? At some point, he had grown mortal attachments to things I thought were merely tools. It was blurring the lines of what I understood about him. When did the Nephilim become an extension of him – his flesh and blood?

  I had foolishly thought I was his beloved. It wasn’t supposed to end this way.

  “He took her, Vincent, but I think you know that,” I replied through my teeth.

  “Where did you send him
?” he asked weakly. He lost his ability to sound commanding. Instead, he was content to stay where he collapsed with his eyes peeking out through his fingers shielding his face.

  He did not know where James was. I could see through him – into his soul and core. What lied before me was a broken man; so broken he did not even notice his eldest child was unbound to us. He cared not for his demonic family anymore.

  “We didn’t send him anywhere,” Raven finally uttered. His tone was cold and sharp, still continuing to talk despite our Master’s shattered state. “James took the Nephilim and fled. That or he died and it miraculously disappeared. So, there you have it – you went through all of this just to be betrayed by the only person that still held any pity for you. It is finally over… and you’ve lost.”

  Vince did not respond. He focused on getting in bed beside Eve’s corpse, befowled, and a mess. He wanted to hold her lifeless body in his arms like they had something. I had seen enough. I could not watch him grieve over them any longer. That could wait until he witnessed my corruption of the Nephilim. I would comb the entire planet if that was what it took to find them. Surely James was a fool for thinking he could hide from me forever.

  So, I set out to do exactly what I said: I scoured every corner of the globe searching for James and the infant Nephilim, Val. Naturally, my quest began in Kaeda. I traversed every portion of our country just in case he thought he could dwell under our noses. He was not a fool despite his actions – he knew better than that.

  The Empire of Zaar was different once I crossed the deserted border. The ground was the shade of blood and the smell of hellfire carried for miles. It was a glorious sight to behold. It reminded me of the Void, but it rested on Praetis. My demons traveled with me as I went, enjoying the game of chase more than I. Even though I had failed recently by letting the Nephilim get away, I had ultimately fulfilled Naazvaba’s visions for my planet.

  I was more than ready for it all to be over. Maybe in the future, after I defended the Void and Azotl, I would enjoy destroying more planets I had no connection to. But you see, that is what makes my path and the paths of Void Lords before me so tragically esoteric. We loved our planets – we truly did – which is why we had no choice but to destroy them, and “destroying” is such an ugly word for the work we do! We were returning our cosmos to the blessed Vast Dark! Praetis should have been more grateful!