Julianna let out a long breath, feeling a swell of relief course through her. Closing her eyes, she felt the corner of her mouth lift in a small smile, despite the fear that came with the knowledge that she had to tell Lord Altringham the truth. There was so much in what he had said, such a wonderful, astonishing revelation, that she felt herself filled with delight, knowing now that the future for both herself and Lord Altringham would not be the dark, depressing one that she had first feared.
“You are smiling at me.”
She opened her eyes and looked at her husband, seeing the confusion on his face and aware of what she had to do. “I am pleased with what you have said,” she told him honestly. “To hear you speak with such consideration, to give your wife the respect she deserves rather than intending to push her from your thoughts—those things are all quite wonderful, Lord Altringham.”
His confusion did not shift. “But that means that you and I cannot continue with what might have been a wonderful acquaintance,” he said slowly, his brows furrowing together. “I thought that you…” His eyes widened, his brows lifting. “Wait, I have been hasty, have I not? You have never once said that there was something in your heart similar to what I have spoken of.” His eyes slammed shut as he screwed up his face. “I have been foolish again, have I not?”
“No, no,” Julianna exclaimed hastily, and Lord Altringham looked back at her, his expression now forlorn, his hazel eyes dull. “No, that is not what I mean, Lord Altringham. You misunderstand my smile.”
A small flicker of hope pierced through his confusion. “What is it that you mean, Miss Sussex?”
Now was the moment for her to speak the truth, for her to tell him everything and to pray that he would understand. Her whole body began to tremble as she prepared herself to speak. The intensity in his eyes made her catch her breath, the air shuddering out of her as she tried to think of what she should say.
“Lord Altringham,” she began quietly. “The reason I smile is because I am truly grateful to hear you speak of your wife—to speak of me—with such consideration.”
She said nothing more, watching him as he frowned, clearly trying to understand what she had said. Her lips pressed tightly together, her fingers entwined in her lap.
“What is it you are trying to say, Miss Sussex?” he asked slowly, his brows knotting together. “You say I have spoken of you with consideration?”
Nodding, Julianna closed her eyes and forced the courage to rise up within her, letting out another shaking breath before she spoke. “I am not Miss Sussex,” she said hoarsely. “There is nothing wrong with you remaining here, Lord Altringham. In fact, you have every right to join me in my bedchamber and reside there if you wish it.” Opening her eyes, she saw his instant shock over what she had said, his eyes widening all the more as understanding hit him hard. “I was Miss Julianna Martins but I am now Lady Altringham.” She took in another long breath. “In short, Lord Altringham, the lady you see before you now is none other than your wife.”
Chapter Ten
Thomas could not breathe. His eyes were fixed to Miss Sussex, his stomach filled with knots of tension, his hands tightly folded into fists as the truth of what she had said finally washed over him.
Miss Sussex was not Miss Sussex after all, it seemed. The lady he had come to think of in a much warmer manner than any other, the lady who had been the source of his confusion and doubt these last few days, was none other than his wife.
His wife.
“I—I do not understand,” he said, his voice barely loud enough for even himself to hear. “You are my wife?”
“Yes.”
“Miss Sussex, I—”
“Lady Altringham,” she said gently. “I stood beside you in church and made my vows, Lord Altringham. I did not ever expect you to send me back to your estate without attending there yourself. That came as something of a shock, I confess, but I had Lady Newfield with me, for which I shall forever be grateful.”
Thomas could not quite understand all that she was saying, his head buzzing loudly as thought after thought crashed into each other. He had been speaking with, confiding in, and enjoying the company of a lady he had thought to be a stranger to him, but who now he had come to learn was, in fact, his bride. The lady he had stood next to in church, who had spoken in such a tremulous voice when she had made her vows and whom he had turned away from in order to return to London… it was she who now sat opposite him, her eyes fixed to his and her lips pressing into each other, her tension rippling through her and out toward him.
She was waiting for him to react, he realized, his breathing now beginning to quicken. She was waiting for him to say something, to tell her the truth of how he felt, but he could not find anything to say.
“Lady Tillsbury is greatly concerned.” Lady Newfield swept back into the room, the door closed tightly behind her as she hurried toward the table. “She heard what had happened to you, Lord Altringham, and realized that Miss Sussex and I might have been involved, given that our absence came shortly after you had been attacked.”
Unable to say anything in response, Thomas tried to lift his gaze from Miss Sussex—Lady Altringham, he reminded himself—but found that he was quite unable to do so. It was as though a cloud had filled the room, covering everything except himself and his wife.
My wife.
The words were like heavy weights coming to rest on his shoulders. Oh, just how cruelly he had treated her! How disrespectful he had been! Shame covered him as he remembered all that she had seen of his behavior, all that she had witnessed. Quite why she had chosen to remain by his side, standing there when he struggled with the attacks that had been carried out against him, coming to warn him about the theft of his diamonds—he could not understand why she had done such a thing. Ought she not to have been removing herself from him? To be berating him for what he had chosen to do, for the foolishness he exhibited? Instead, she had said very little but had borne the pain with as much grace as she could, trying to help him regardless of what she felt and regardless of the hurt his actions had caused her.
“Ah.” Lady Newfield looked from Thomas to Lady Altringham and back again. “I see that you have told him the truth, then.”
“I have.” Lady Altringham’s voice was thin, shaking slightly as he saw a fear in her eyes he could well understand. Still, he could not tell her that all was quite all right, that he understood it all, for the shock of it was running through him, sending his heart into a furiously pounding beat.
“You must understand, Lord Altringham,” Lady Newfield said firmly, sitting down close to them both. “This was my suggestion. Not at the first, of course, for my first intention was to take Julianna back to London to remind you that you had a duty to your wife.”
“Then why did you not do so?” he asked gruffly.
Lady Newfield looked astonished, glancing toward Lady Altringham, who, to his surprise, now appeared to be a little angry rather than upset or afraid.
“If you will recall, Lord Altringham,” she said, her voice no longer shaking. “On our first meeting after our wedding, you did not recognize me.” Her eyes narrowed as she looked at him angrily. “Do you not recall? We met at a soiree and you did not even have a flicker of recognition in your eyes!” She slammed one hand down flat on the table, making him start with surprise. “I came back to this townhouse and cried over the sorrowful future I now had laid out before me. I had a husband who did not recognize me, who did not care one fig about me, who believed that I was back at his estate so that he could continue living just as he pleased here in London. I have spent years under my father’s harsh rule, being told what I must do and where I must go, without having any consideration for my needs or my desires. And to find myself married to a gentleman who himself held so many of the same traits as my father made my heart break into a thousand pieces.”
“And that is where I suggested that we ought to take a different path,” Lady Newfield added, her quiet voice bringing a calm to the room.
“I suggested that she become Miss Sussex with myself as her chaperone. Were anyone to ask, they would simply be told that she was under my care and that I myself was a good friend of her parents.” Lady Newfield shrugged. “Lady Tillsbury and Miss Glover were the only two who knew the truth of her identity.”
Thomas shook his head, confusion blurring his thoughts. “But what of the soiree?” he said slowly. “You were present there. Did no one seek an introduction?”
Lady Altringham gave him such a searching look that Thomas felt himself flush with embarrassment, as though he had said something so foolish that he ought to be ashamed.
“Do you not understand, Lord Altringham?” Lady Altringham asked after a moment. “Do you know nothing about the lady you married?” She closed her eyes, taking a moment before she answered. “My father is a foolish, debt-encumbered gentleman. I have spent any time I have had in society hiding away, making certain that no one sees me for fear of the ridicule that will be sent my way. I am not known to society. I am not discussed or spoken of. Thus, I sought out no introductions that evening and, with the sole intent of having you and I converse for a time, Lady Newfield did not encourage introductions either.” She waved a hand. “And once you met me and I realized that you did not know who I was, I wanted to leave at once. And so we did.”
Shame continued to fill him as he closed his eyes, remembering how he had met the lady he had thought to be Miss Sussex, without even having a single instinct that he had met her before.
“I see,” he said heavily. “And so the ruse continued.”
Lady Newfield poured some tea into both her own cup and Lady Altringham’s cup also. Stirring it with her teaspoon, she waited until Thomas had looked up before she spoke.
“Was it wrong of me to think that you would be eager to be closer to a young lady who had no connections, engagements, or the like?” she said, one eyebrow lifted as she gave him a somewhat haughty look. “My only concern has been Julianna. I wanted her to have a life that was not a repeat of the one she has endured under her father.”
Thomas nodded slowly, closing his eyes for a moment before opening them again. It felt as though the floor had opened up beneath him and he had fallen into a deep pit that was slowly squeezing him until the life left his body. His throat was tight, his chest painful as he dragged in air, finally able to accept all that Lady Newfield and Lady Altringham had told him.
The guilt he felt was enormous. It overwhelmed him, his shoulders slumping as he tried to look at Lady Altringham, only to see that she was staring steadfastly down at her teacup, stirring it absently.
“What was your intention in all of this?” he asked, willing her to look up at him. “What was it you wanted to achieve?”
Lady Altringham looked at him, a heaviness in her expression that made him wince. He was the cause of all of this, he knew, and yet he still had a good many questions.
“I wanted you to know me,” she said softly, her words burning him. “I wanted you to know the lady you married, to find an interest in me that you might not have had otherwise.”
He could not help but think that there was sense to this decision, to this way of thinking. When he had first married, he had not had any interest in his wife, and on his return to London, he had done all he could to throw her from his mind. He had done this so successfully that he had all but forgotten about her until only a couple of days ago.
“I am not a beauty,” Lady Altringham continued, her voice holding no sadness but rather a practicality that he found to be deeply sorrowful indeed. “I did not know how I would garner your attention, but my grandmother encouraged me to find courage deep within myself. It was this newfound courage and strength that helped me further our acquaintance that night of the ball.”
“The night that Lady Darlington sought me out,” he muttered, seeing the flicker of pain in her eyes.
“Indeed,” she answered stiffly. “I hoped, I suppose, that should it come to it, you would discover that I was not as other young ladies are around you.” One shoulder lifted. “But then there was the carriage and the diamonds and our acquaintance grew from that instead.”
Rubbing at his forehead with the palm of his hand, Thomas let out his breath in a whoosh. “I would never have asked you to do something inappropriate, Lady Altringham,” he said honestly. “I knew from the start of our acquaintance that there was a difference between you and the other ladies of the ton. On top of which, I also discovered that I knew more about you than any other lady, and that I wished to know more.” He shook his head, his gaze darting to Lady Newfield, who was drinking her tea in a very calm manner, as though this were merely a very pleasant morning conversation. “You say you are no beauty, Miss Sus—Lady Altringham, but I find that you have more beauty than any other lady of my acquaintance.”
Something like relief washed over him as she lifted her eyes to his, feeling himself both rebuked, ashamed, and glad in equal measure. His tumultuous thoughts began to calm themselves, his heart no longer thumping in a furious manner as he looked into Lady Altringham’s face and found himself almost happy that he was wed to her.
“I need not have any further confusion about all that I feel,” he continued as she held his gaze, her eyes a little damp. “You have confused me greatly, I confess, for I have felt strange emotions that have never before flooded my heart. But yet, with being wed, I told myself that, in changing the sort of gentleman I was, I had to be respectful of both you and her. But now…” he closed his eyes, his lips curling slightly, “now I find that the lady I have had strong feelings for and my wife that I know so little about are, in fact, one and the same. And my heart is filled with relief because of it.”
Lady Altringham lowered her head and he saw a tear slip from her eye and drop on the table. His heart lurched and he felt the urge to go to her at once, to rush to her side, take her hand, and hold her tightly so that the pain would not linger within her heart.
“I am sorry for the pain I have caused you,” he said hoarsely, a sense of shame flooding him all over again. “I cannot imagine what you must have felt when you saw me with Lady Darlington.” He swallowed hard. “The only thing I can assure you of is that I have done nothing, much to Lady Darlington’s displeasure.”
Lady Altringham’s head lifted and she held his gaze, her eyes a little red.
“I speak the truth,” he told her honestly. “I have not stolen a kiss from any lady since my return to London—since the day of our wedding. I have been given many opportunities by Lady Darlington, but I have not—”
“And Lady Guthrie?”
Heat flooded his cheeks. “Again, another time that I must have pained you,” he said quietly. “The diamonds were for her as a gift to bring our acquaintance to an end.” He shrugged, lifting one shoulder. “No one else was aware of my intention save for myself, but that is the truth.” Wincing, he let out a small sigh. “I have not done such a thing as yet since the diamonds have not been found or returned to me, but I swear to you, Lady Altringham, that I shall do so without hesitation now.”
Lady Altringham pressed her lips together, her head tilted just a little as she studied him. He could not tell what she was thinking, and he prayed that she would believe him, that she would trust him, but from the heavy sigh that escaped from her, he doubted that his hopes would be rewarded.
“I confess that I have noticed a change in you that I have been thoroughly delighted to see,” she said, her voice so quiet that he struggled to hear her. “I have been very afraid of speaking to you, of telling you the truth, for I did not know how you would react.” She looked toward Lady Newfield, her lips finally pulling into a smile. “My dear grandmother’s advice has been proven correct, it seems.”
He looked at Lady Newfield with curiosity. “Advice?”
Lady Newfield shrugged, her lips twisting slightly. “I told my granddaughter that a gentleman who was aware of his behavior and willing, perhaps, to change such things, would be more willing to listen to what she had to s
ay than one who had no concern over how he lived.”
Thomas nodded and smiled back at her ruefully. “That is wise advice indeed, Lady Newfield,” he admitted. “I would not have listened to you should you have spoken to me even a few days ago, Lady Altringham. In fact, I am sure I would have reacted in a most unfavorable manner.”
“Then I am glad I waited,” came the reply. “I am sorry for keeping the truth from you, Lord Altringham, but it was necessary.”
“More than necessary,” he said firmly, seeing himself just as she must see him and finding the reflection to be both ugly and twisted. “You are an incredibly brave and courageous young woman, Lady Altringham, and I speak truthfully when I tell you that I am honored to be your husband.” He held one hand out to her across the table. “I swear that I shall do all I can to improve myself all the more from this day forward.”
Seeing the way her eyes widened and her mouth opened just a fraction, Thomas knew that he had surprised her with his words, but he did not regret saying them. There was no dishonesty in what he had said, for he meant each and every word without even a twinge of regret. It was as though he had been given another opportunity to live his life, to live as a gentleman ought. And he had only Lady Altringham to thank.
“I suppose the question now is what are we to do next?” Lady Newfield interrupted, smiling brightly at him, her eyes gleaming and her cheeks now holding a little color. Evidently, she was just as relieved as he.
“What do you mean?” Lady Altringham asked, her own features still rather pale. “What can you be thinking of?”
Lady Newfield lifted one hand. “Well, we are not about to find out who is responsible simply by sitting here and discussing matters now, are we?” she said with a small smile. “Whilst I am very glad indeed that you have been able to tell the truth and that it has been met so amiably, that does not help us discover the truth, does it?”
In Search of Love: Convenient Arrangements (Book 2) Page 11
