The Lilith Trilogy Box Set

by Kim ten Tusscher

At that exact moment Ghalatea appeared. “Lilith, what’s happened?”

  The Ancilla Princeps gave her a worried look and glared at the soldiers, who walked on. Then she carefully helped her back up. Lilith moaned.

  “Are you all right?”

  Lilith shrugged. “Why do they think they have the right to treat me like that? Why is it always like this?”

  “You’re not only referring to the soldiers now, are you?”

  Lilith leaned against the wall and took a deep breath. She started to tell her story with her eyes closed.

  “Where I grew up there were many servants as well. They made a sport out of tormenting me every single day. They started when I entered the dining room for breakfast and didn’t stop until I went to bed. At least, that’s what it was like for the first years of my life. When I grew older, they became a bit more cautious.” It was safe to say this. But the fact that her tormentors hadn’t been human, was something she didn’t have the heart to tell.

  Ghalatea put a hand on Lilith’s arm. Lilith heaved a deep sigh and thought back to something that happened almost every day. After waking up, she would reluctantly make her way to the dining room. Only she and the servi would eat there. She didn’t know where the master and his five human followers ate.

  The servi were big and fast. They moved around without making any noise. Their eyes were big and dark, slightly slanted and they stood far apart. They had no auricles and no eyelids, but sometimes a transparent fleece covered their eyes. It was their equivalent of blinking. They used charcoal to draw black lines around their eyes, which made their gaze even more piercing. It gave Lilith the impression that they were always watching her, even when they were sleeping.

  The servi could be divided into two groups: the slaves, who were simply called the servi, and the warriors, who preferred to be called Muircadh. The primary difference between them and the slaves was their long, razor-sharp fingernails.

  Each morning was the same. There were never any plates left, so Lilith scooped up her porridge with her hands. Before she could leave the dining room, a servus would trip her up. The creatures all looked so much alike that Lilith never had been able to find out if it was the same servus who tripped her up every single day. She could only distinguish the slaves from the warriors. “Watch where you’re going, ynfytyn,” the slave would say.

  Lilith didn’t know what the word meant, but the way the servus spat it at her – as if he had something dirty in his mouth – spoke volumes. Each morning she would flee the room amidst howls of derision.

  “They made sure I hardly got anything to eat. Most times my breakfast consisted of the chunks left on my clothes after they had made me trip.”

  “Didn’t anybody do anything about it? Your master for instance?”

  Lilith gave a wry laugh. “As if he cared. What he did to me was even worse.”

  “So there was nobody to help you?”

  “There was. Seraph sometimes made sure the tormenting stopped for a while.”

  Lilith opened her eyes. Her gaze was caught by yet another tapestry from Naftalia that covered the walls of the palace corridors.

  “Clearly there are no lions around, because the giraffes and the oryxes are much too calm.”

  Ghalatea gave her an inquisitive look and studied the tapestry.

  “Seraph taught me about these things when I was allowed out of the caves for the first time. My master had always told me that I couldn’t stay inside forever, so I had been looking forward to that day for a very long time. But at the same time, I was afraid. My master had made it clear to me that I had to beware of people. When I left the caves for the first time, however, I couldn’t imagine there being anything worse than what his servants did to me every day.”

  “But was he right?” Ghalatea whispered.

  Lilith nodded. Then she stared at the scar that wasn’t completely covered by the veil.

  “Seraph and four other men I know are marked the same way. I always thought they had been involved in an accident. But they weren’t, right?”

  Lilith raised her hand and brushed the veil aside, revealing more of Ghalatea’s face. The Ancilla Princeps allowed this for a brief moment but then she pulled the veil even closer around her head.

  “No, it wasn’t an accident.”

  Lilith noticed the pain in Ghalatea’s eyes and felt conscience-stricken.

  “I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  Ghalatea nodded. “I suppose it’s okay for you, because I’ve also seen your scars. In a way it’s only fair you saw mine. Even though I know very little about you, I have a feeling that we have much in common.”

  Lilith couldn’t imagine that, but it did put her mind at ease. It meant that the Ancilla Princeps had no idea what really had happened.

  “Did those men wear a veil as well?” Ghalatea asked.

  “Seraph only wore one when he went to the villages in the desert. But almost all villagers wore blue scarves around their heads, so I don’t know whether he was hiding his scar or trying to blend in.”

  “You’ve been to the Kel Cornu? They’re my people.”

  “I found them scary.” Lilith waited to see how Ghalatea reacted. To her surprise the Ancilla Princeps nodded. “But the journey out there was amazing!”

  “That’s the first time you’ve been enthusiastic about your past. Would you like to tell me more about it?”

  Lilith carefully sat down on the windowsill. “I thought it was going to be a day like any other. The servants had chased me out of the dining room again. In tears, I had fled to the cave entrance. When I heard a horse whinny, I quickly wiped my tears away. Seraph, Nander and Ghideon were leading four horses through the tunnel.

  As the men were busy talking to each other, Nander opened the doors. The light came in through a small gap, driving the deep darkness of the cave farther and farther away. I held my breath as I looked outside. But all I could see were silhouettes of more rocks against the bright blue sky. The light blinded me and I hadn’t noticed that my master had joined the three men. Only when he began to speak, did I realize that my presence had been noticed.

  The master ordered Seraph to take me with him. The Purified one’s hesitant gaze went back and forth between me and my master. But then a smile appeared on his face. I immediately forgot about my grief and threw myself into Seraph’s outstretched arms. With a big sweep he lifted me into the saddle. When I looked back, the master had already disappeared. The men crossed the threshold and the doors closed behind them.”

  Lilith smiled. She had fond memories of that morning.

  “I didn’t know where to look. Everything was so different from what I knew. The rocks stretched out as far as the horizon, sometimes forming deep valleys but more often rising to great altitudes. In places where shrubs had managed to take root on the hard surface, the grey world was interspersed with green. In the distance a few clouds drifted through the otherwise blue sky. The wind blew through my hair.

  Everything looked so wonderful to my eyes. It made Seraph laugh. He assured me that the savannah was even more beautiful. I asked him what that was, but he told me to be patient.”

  “You must have a very good memory, being able to remember so many details.”

  “My youth was pretty uneventful. So anything that deviated from the ordinary made a big impression. Still, I wish my memories were less vivid.”

  Ghalatea gave a sympathetic nod. “What happened next?”

  “Ghideon had guided our group around the rocks to a path that winded down. I looked back but couldn’t tell for sure where we had emerged from the rocks. I heaved a sigh of relief. For a brief moment my excitement had given way to fear. I hadn’t forgotten my master’s warnings.

  Wherever possible, the horses picked up speed. The farther we descended, the more vegetation we saw. By now, the plant growth was no longer limited to bushes clinging to the rocks, there were trees as well. Their roots kept the little amounts of sand together that had been carried
there by the wind. Everything was new to me.

  When we rounded a corner, I couldn’t believe my eyes. We had left the rocks behind us and in front of us an entirely new world loomed up. A grassy plain stretched out as far as the horizon. Large groups of trees grew in the shadow of the rocks, but because of the sweltering heat of the sun, vegetation became scarce again in the distance. The grass waved in the wind. Among the branches of the trees, rustling sounds of animals could be heard and birds were singing, but however hard I looked, I couldn’t see them.

  The horses were now put into a trot. Ghideon was still leading us. He had a bow in his hands and kept a close eye on our surroundings. Nander was holding a spear at the ready. I wondered if they were afraid of humans, but Seraph put my mind at ease. Humans wouldn’t hurt me.

  Reassured, I leaned into him but pretty soon I sat up straight again to have another good look at the savannah. It seemed as if the world was deserted, until Seraph ordered Ghideon to stop. He pointed at a group of trees in the distance where some giraffes were eating.” Lilith gestured at the tapestry. “At first I thought they were predators, because that was what Ghideon and Nander were on the alert for. But Seraph shook his head and explained that the savannah was too quiet, so there probably weren’t any predators out hunting. He caressed my shoulder and then pointed in another direction. He explained that the striped horses were zebras, quenching their thirst at a pool. We kept watching a little while longer, but then Ghideon urged us to get going again.”

  “I’m glad to hear that someone was nice to you and took care of you.”

  “Seraph was indeed nice to me but he hardly ever had time to hang out with me. At least, less time than I would have liked. And he’s one of the men following me now.”

  Ghalatea looked taken aback, but Lilith wasn’t sure if it worried her any more. Lately she had been dreaming about Seraph turning up at the palace. He was going to rescue her and they would both escape from the master. Deep down, however, she knew this to be vain hope. It was a fairy tale that only naive children thought up. “My master sent him. No one can defy my master.”

  Nevertheless, Lilith held on to the longings of that naive little girl. They offered a glimmer of hope that kept her going. Seraph had saved her before, why wouldn’t he do it again? Lilith leaned on the broom. A shiver ran down her spine.

  “After we had arrived at the village, Seraph told me they had business to take care of and that I could go wherever I pleased, as long as I stayed in the square. I was grateful for this opportunity to discover the world. Very soon, I couldn’t tell the three men apart from the rest of the blue crowd any more.

  A woman addressed me. She kneeled in front of me and put a hand on my shoulder, stopping me from walking away. She regarded me closely. I started to feel trapped. I hastily looked around but I didn’t see Seraph anywhere. It felt as if I had made a huge mistake. The master had told me to beware the people, but I had placed myself among them anyway.

  Cautiously I looked at the woman again. She looked me up and down. She shook her head as her eyes rested on the leftovers sticking to my tunic. Her one hand was still on my shoulder but the other moved across my body. That didn’t feel right and I wanted to step backwards. The woman, however, had a firm grasp on me. She mumbled that she could take me with her and that she would take care of me.” Lilith looked at the Ancilla Princeps. “Maybe you know her, her name was Maraghon.”

  Ghalatea shook her head. “I lived much farther to the east.”

  “Maraghon was determined to take me with her. She told me she would be like a mother to me. She had such a penetrating gaze that I averted my head to escape her bright blue eyes. Her hand rested on my ribs. She said I was too skinny for a six-year-old girl. But I snarled at her that I was already nine. She looked at me in dismay, which felt like a victory. Then she grabbed my hand and started to walk. I resisted, but Maraghon dragged me along.”

  “That must have been really scary.”

  “It was. But looking back, she could have been my saviour. If I had known then what my future was going to be like, I wouldn’t have resisted.”

  “I doubt if that would have been any better. A woman who kidnaps children just like that…”

  Lilith shook her head violently. “I didn’t run away for fun! What happened after that encounter was much scarier.”

  “What happened?”

  Lilith shook her head again.

  “How did you manage to escape from her?” Ghalatea asked.

  “Seraph returned only just in time. He tore me loose from Maraghon and carried me away. I asked him if all people were like that, but Seraph didn’t answer. I took that as a yes. A little while later he apologized for having left me on my own. He held me even tighter and promised me it would never happen again. He kissed my neck.

  When I looked up, I saw that Ghideon and Nander were already waiting with the horses. The fourth horse was packed with new supplies. We mounted. I was glad that we were riding away from the village at great speed. We were back home before dawn.”

  Lilith dropped the broom and hid her face in her hands. Ghalatea put an arm around her.

  “Does this bring back too many memories?”

  Lilith nodded. “Nightmares haunted me for a long time after that. Until I dreamed that I defeated the woman myself.”

  “That must have been a good feeling.”

  “Yes, back when it was only a dream.”

  Ghalatea was appalled. “You don’t mean… Lilith, did you do something to her?”

  “To Maraghon? No, I never saw her again.”

  Lilith looked Ghalatea in the eye. Had she revealed too much?

  The Ancilla Princeps smiled, however. “It isn’t right to take revenge. But fantasizing about it can be a great relief.”

  “Have you ever wanted to take revenge on the people who maimed you?”

  “In my dreams I caused them all sorts of harm,” Ghalatea confessed rosy-cheeked. “But I’ve never had the urge to put those plans into action. At first I thought I lacked the courage, but now I know that revenge isn’t the answer.”

  Lilith wasn’t sure about that. Revenge and anger were emotions that gave you an overwhelming feeling of power. It was an addictive feeling. When she thought back to the dream in which she had defeated Maraghon, she felt the same emotions all over again. Just like Ghalatea, Lilith knew it wasn’t right to take revenge, but Lilith had never been strong enough to resist those feelings. She shook off her thoughts. “I wish I had never even dreamed about it.”

  “Oh well, you shouldn’t feel guilty about that.”

  “I actually meant that the dream gave my master yet another reason to punish me.”

  “So that’s what your last nightmare was about. He maltreated you.”

  “He only punished me for being disobedient. I deserved it.” That was what her head told her, but in her heart she felt differently. The beatings from her master had been far less painful than the humiliation and helplessness she had felt back then. Those feelings still haunted her, whereas the bruises had long since disappeared.

  Ghalatea shook her head disapprovingly. “Why did you say in your dream that he could whatever he wanted to you?”

  “Did I say that?” Lilith wondered what else she had said. How much had she given away unawares? “Begging him to stop never helped. He punished me to show me who was in control. It would be a sign of weakness if he stopped when I asked him to. I learned this pretty soon. I knew the master wouldn’t stop unless I told him to keep beating or kicking me. Because then the roles were reversed.

  You might think those are only words and that I would scream them even before he started hitting me, but I never did. Only when it really got too much, did I beg him to go on. Then he would hit or kick me one last time and stop.”

  “What a pig. Someone should beat him up for a change.” Ghalatea clenched her fists.

  “But I asked for it, didn’t I? How can I blame him for what he did when I asked for it?”

 
; “Oh, Lilith…” Ghalatea grabbed her shoulders and gave her a good shaking. She couldn’t find the right words. Then she let go of Lilith. “And you also got punished because you dreamed about defeating that woman?”

  Lilith shook her head. In her dream she had changed. Up until then, her master had been the only one who knew the words to set the transformation in motion, but when Lilith woke up she could still hear the incantation in her head. She was convinced that she could change of her own accord now.

  So she had sneaked past the sleeping servi into the great hall, where she had caressed the amulet her master had given her and she had spoken the words that were echoing in her head. She had longingly awaited the fire she always felt when her master made her change. But nothing had happened. So she had tried again, louder this time, but there still hadn’t been any sign of her starting to change.

  In the end she had sunk to her knees in tears. She had realized that this part had also been nothing but a dream. She had been furious for not being able to control her own body. Then her master had come and he had taken his frustration out on her.

  “My master was afraid that I could take his power away from him.”

  “But you were only a child. What on earth could you have done?”

  Kill him, perhaps, but Lilith didn’t say that out loud. It wasn’t even true. She had never been strong enough to kill him. “The worst thing that could happen was that I wouldn’t obey him any more. At least, that’s what I think he was afraid of. But I was always too weak to resist his will.” Lilith shivered and whispered, “It was my own fault that he battered me.”

  “No, Lilith. You must never think that!”

  “You don’t understand! My master went to a lot of trouble to protect me. And I repaid him with disobedience. He was very disappointed in me. I knew he was quick to anger, but there were ways to prevent that. That night I just hadn’t tried hard enough.”

  “And you still believe that?”

  After some thought Lilith shrugged. “The stupid thing was that I didn’t even intend to disappoint him. I was scared and that was the reason why I wanted to feel the strength hidden inside me. It had nothing to do with him.”