The Lilith Trilogy Box Set

by Kim ten Tusscher

  When she opened the door, she was greeted by a cold wind. Lilith wrapped the blanket tightly around her and crossed the threshold. She halted for a moment. A strange feeling of freedom came over her. But you’re not out of the woods yet, she sternly reminded herself. She started walking again.

  The city looked very different from when she had been brought to the palace. That day, the unremitting snowstorms had covered Nadesh in a white blanket, which had made it difficult to discern the outlines of the buildings. But now the streets were clean.

  Lilith stopped on the corner of a street to take a good look at her surroundings. The sun, shining palely in the bright blue sky, was reflected in the smooth bricks. As a result, the upper storeys of the buildings seemed to dissolve into thin air. The houses all looked very much alike. Block after block, they were built in the same slender, plain style. The repetition, however, wasn’t boring. It added to the beauty of the city.

  Just like the palace, the houses had large windows. Lilith couldn’t stop herself from looking inside. The people of Nadesh personalized their interiors by painting the walls in bright colours. Some people had plants on their windowsills. Other houses had sculptures on display or paintings and tapestries hanging on the walls. Now and again a resident looked up and waved as Lilith walked past, making her feel as if she was caught doing something illegal. She bowed her head and quickened her pace.

  Throughout the town, narrow staircases and bridges connected streets and squares with each other. Whenever she had a choice, Lilith followed the paths that led down, but more often than not, those paths started to climb again after a while, forcing her to stand still to find her bearings. After having wandered around the city for hours, Lilith finally reached a bridge leading to another rock pillar.

  She crossed it with a sigh of relief.

  As the night fell, it started to rain. The lights in the houses were lit and Lilith saw people eating their dinner. A few hours later the people closed their curtains. When the lights in the houses had long since been turned off, Lilith finally arrived at the city gate. She hid in the porch of a shop. It was a good vantage point to keep an eye on the soldiers guarding the city.

  “What a beastly night!”

  A man stepped into the porch.

  Lilith nodded a greeting and stepped aside. What did this man want?

  “It doesn’t look like it’s going to clear up anytime soon, so maybe you should just continue your journey. I hope you don’t have much farther to go.”

  Lilith shrugged. The man produced a key from his pocket and opened the door. “Either way, I wish you a pleasant evening.”

  “Likewise,” Lilith answered. She laughed to herself. Because she was trying to escape, she thought that everyone in the city was trying to stop her. But this man had seen nothing but a woman taking shelter from the rain. She looked at the gate again. Would the soldiers also mistake her for a regular passer-by?

  There weren’t many people leaving the city at this time of night, but those who did make their way to the gate were stopped. Lilith couldn’t hear what was being said, but after a short conversation the people were allowed to proceed. It started to dawn on Lilith, however, that the small door in the big gate wouldn’t be opened for her. So many hours had passed since she had left the palace that, by now, Ferhdessar had undoubtedly told the soldiers to be on the lookout for her.

  Now what? Lilith considered finding another way out but she doubted that there would be one. Tomorrow it might be busier at the gate, increasing her chances to escape unseen. The longer she thought about it, the more convinced she became, so she stepped out of the porch and turned into a side-street.

  Not much later she found a little space underneath a staircase.

  She curled herself up in an attempt to get warm. Clutching the figurine of Jakob to her chest, Lilith fell asleep.

  Lilith had been watching the gate for quite some time. During the morning, the soldiers were occupied with traders who wanted to enter the city, but people leaving the city still had to undergo a thorough check.

  It wasn’t until late morning that it started to get busier. Lilith realized that circumstances wouldn’t get much better than this, so she stepped out of the shadow of the building. Pretending that she had every right to leave the city, Lilith walked towards the gate. She joined a group of travellers with a horse and wagon. They slowly advanced in the direction of the gate. Lilith pulled her blanket up so that it covered part of her face. She focussed on her hands in an attempt to get them to stop trembling. It only made her more nervous, because it reminded her of what she was about to do.

  Two soldiers went to stand in the middle of the road. Lilith slowed her pace until she was walking behind the wagon and waited for what would happen next. Even though she heard two men talking to each other, she couldn’t understand what was being said. She nearly had a heart attack when a soldier suddenly turned up next to her. She bit down on her blanket only just in time to muffle a squeal and quickly turned away from the soldier. After the man had glanced into the wagon, he yelled to the people in the front that they were allowed to walk on. He even wished them a pleasant journey.

  So far, everything was going according to plan. The group started moving again and Lilith quickened her pace to join the people in the front. The arch that housed the gate was supported by pillars that were carved out of the rocks. Lilith touched her wristband as her eyes searched for a symbol that indicated how far she was allowed to go. But there didn’t seem to be any sign: no marking in the stones, no way-marker posts along the road, absolutely nothing. She wondered what would happen if she went too far, but she wasn’t really scared. Ferhdessar had said that she endured the effect of the other wristband too well, so maybe it would be the same with this one.

  I’m free! Lilith took her final step, but as soon as her foot touched the ground, she felt some kind of pressure on her throat. She told herself that it was just nerves, but when she took another step, the pressure increased. She tried to suck in air, but her breathing was laboured. At the same time, she was doing her utmost to conceal the fact that there was something wrong with her. She didn’t want to draw any attention to herself, not now she had managed to escape. She draped the blanket more loosely around her shoulders and pulled at the neck of her tunic. With every step it became harder to breathe.

  “Are you all right?”

  A woman came to walk next to her and gave her a worried look. Lilith wanted to answer, but she couldn’t voice any words, so she just nodded. The woman walked on but glanced over her shoulder one last time. Lilith raised her hand to wave her thanks and tried to smile.

  When she had rounded the corner, she stopped. She threw her shoulders back and tilted her head. That didn’t help either. She wasn’t about to admit defeat just yet. Maybe she just had to cover a certain distance. So Lilith started to run, but she couldn’t keep that up very long. Her throat was squeezed tighter and tighter. Wheezing, she sucked in small amounts of air as she banged her wristband on a sharp ledge. There wasn’t so much as a scratch on the metal. Her final blow was powerless.

  Lilith realized that she couldn’t go on, because it would mean certain death. She reluctantly walked back to the city. The pressure on her throat instantly disappeared when she walked through the gate. She greedily breathed in big gulps of air. She was sorely tempted to keep standing there for a few minutes to draw some deep breaths, but she walked on regardless. A soldier appeared before her. When Lilith wanted to walk around him, he barred her way again.

  “Get out of my way,” Lilith said hoarsely. Her mind was already working hard to come up with another plan to escape.

  “I want to know what your business is in Nadesh.”

  “Get… out… of… my… way.” Lilith scowled at him.

  The soldier made a gesture with his hand. Lilith was immediately grabbed from behind. She pulled herself free with a single movement and turned around. Just before she could hit the man, her arms were twisted behind her back and she wa
s forced down on her knees.

  “We have orders from the palace to bring you back,” said the man who had stopped her.

  “I’m not the woman you’re looking for,” Lilith said and she wriggled to break free.

  “Pull the other one. We’ve been watching you since last night.” She looked up at him in surprise. “Lord Ferhdessar wanted you to attempt an escape first.”

  Of course, Ferhdessar wanted her to understand the effect of the wristband, so that she would never try to escape again. He had simply waited for her to return of her own accord.

  “I have to admit that you got pretty far, we were about to come after you,” the soldier continued as he motioned to another soldier. “You’re not the first person to attempt an escape, but most people turn around after their first step out of the gate. There has been only one occasion where we had to carry someone back because he had passed out.”

  A small wagon pulled up in front of her. Lilith was pushed in, a soldier climbed on the wagon and they rode off. Lilith cast a final glance at the rapidly shrinking gate. Even though her prison cell was as big as the entire city, a feeling of claustrophobia washed over her as though she were locked away in a small dungeon.

  It wasn’t long before they arrived at the palace. They had only just entered, when they ran into Ghalatea.

  “You’re late,” she said sternly. Then she shook her head. “You look a mess.”

  Ashamed, Lilith dusted some sand off her clothes, but it didn’t make much difference. There was mud on her trousers. Apparently she had lain down in some mud last night, but she hadn’t even noticed.

  “I’ll take her from here,” Ghalatea said to the soldier and she escorted Lilith to the kitchen. “You’re going to get yourself something to eat first. After that, lord Ferhdessar wishes to see you.”

  Ghalatea pushed a bowl of soup into Lilith’s hands and motioned impatiently that she was to eat it right away. Lilith gratefully took a mouthful. Again, the woman gave her a searching look.

  “Have you spent the night outside?”

  Lilith nodded as she chewed on a piece of potato. There was an irritated look in the Ancilla Princeps’ eyes and she called Lilith a foolish woman. Then she grabbed herself a chair and, to make sure the other servants wouldn’t understand her, said in her own language, “Ferhdessar has told me what happened yesterday. You couldn’t have been more wrong. My mother was a unicorn shifter. The people who wrote that book killed her for that reason. Mine was a lesser sin in their eyes, so they only maimed me. I wouldn’t be here if the king worshipped Margal.”

  Drinking the last sip of broth from her bowl, Lilith looked the Ancilla Princeps in the eye. Her story sounded plausible, so she nodded. Then she got up. “What are my duties for today?” Her voice was still sounding hoarse.

  Ghalatea also got to her feet. “You’ll have to go to lord Ferhdessar first. Wash yourself before you go to him, because you reek. You’re going to wash your clothes in your own time. If the stains don’t come out, you’ll have to pay for your new clothes yourself.”

  The other women in the kitchen sniggered softly. Lilith lowered her eyes and wordlessly grabbed a bucket. She wanted to fill it with hot water but there wasn’t any left. A large cauldron was suspended over a fire, but it had only just been hung there. When Lilith commented on it, the Ancilla Princeps grabbed the bucket from her hands and filled it with ice cold water that came directly from the waterfalls. Lilith shivered at the idea of having to wash herself with it. Nevertheless, she left the kitchen without protest. It probably wouldn’t be too bad if she stayed close to the fire.

  Thirty minutes later, Lilith walked into the garden behind the library. The garden had been laid out on the ledge of the highest rock peak and overlooked the west side of the city and the fields at the foot of the rocks. Ghalatea had told her that Ferhdessar was to be found in the shed that was built against the palace.

  The big doors were open. The sorcerer was busy stretching thin, black fabric over the frame of his aircraft. He was so engrossed in his work that he didn’t even notice Lilith entering the shed. Lilith was amazed to see a life-size version of the models she had seen in his room.

  “I didn’t know you also had a big aircraft.”

  Disturbed at his work, Ferhdessar looked up. “Why are you here?”

  “Ghalatea told me you wanted to talk to me.”

  “Hmm, is that what she said? And you don’t think it necessary for us to have a chat?”

  Lilith wondered what he wanted to hear. “I’d like to apologize. I should have stopped to think before getting angry.”

  He observed her thoughtfully. “I don’t know how much your apology is worth. If you hadn’t been wearing that bracelet, you’d have been gone. Maybe these are just empty words to soften me up.”

  “I assure you they are not. I’ve thought things through and I’ve changed my views.”

  Wiping his hands clean, Ferhdessar walked to the workbench. He handed Lilith a book. “To make sure that you understand we don’t live according to the rules in that book, I’d like you to read another passage.”

  Lilith opened the book at the leather bookmark. She skimmed the page.

  “Read it out loud,” he commanded as she looked up in shock.

  Lilith swallowed before she read out, “At least as dangerous is the race of sorcerers. With a single word or gesture they can exercise power over any other creature. Some of them pose as missionaries of the Gods who want to help the human race. This is a deception. The superior race doesn’t need help. If we give them our trust, we will be destroyed. We should no longer close our eyes to the truth, instead we should fight against this evil. Only then…”

  Lilith wanted to read on, but Ferhdessar interrupted her in exasperation.

  “I’ve heard enough, it makes me sick. Unfortunately, some people still attach importance to these ideas.”

  She nodded her understanding. Apparently this palace housed many people who had ample reason to hate Margal’s followers. Everything was so confusing.

  “I understand what you’re trying to tell me Ferhdessar. I’m sorry about yesterday. I should never have doubted you. I truly am sorry. Shall I show you where I used to live?”

  “Later. I’ve stuff to do right now.”

  He got back to his aircraft. Lilith seated herself on the workbench. They both remained silent for a long time. Lilith watched how he glued the wide strips of fabric onto the aircraft. She couldn’t imagine that thing ever taking flight.

  “Can I ask you something, Ferhdessar?” Lilith cut into the silence.

  “It’s my task to answer your questions.” His voice oozed unwillingness.

  “Was my master right? The book that I found did say that people hate what I am? And they attacked Ghalatea. Were my actions justified after all?”

  “This is what I was afraid of.”

  Lilith looked at him uncomprehendingly.

  “That you would find a reason to justify your master’s behaviour. What if I told you he was right? Will you go back to him then?”

  He squinted as he looked at her. Shivering, Lilith shrugged.

  “I don’t know,” she whispered. It was hard to admit to that, but she didn’t want to lie either. “Do you think he was sincere, Ferhdessar?”

  “If I were to tell you now that it was all right to attack the Naftalians, I would be just as bad as your master.”

  Lilith despondently bowed her head. “That’s almost the same as openly admitting that you agree.”

  Ferhdessar went to stand right in front of her. “No, it’s not,” he said sharply. “In my opinion there’s no justification for what Margal has done, but I don’t know if it’s sufficient reason for revenge. Many people would agree with you, but others would admire it if you chose a different path. It’s for you to decide what’s the right thing to do.”

  “But it’s so hard. I’m sure you have an opinion about it.”

  There was a long silence before Ferhdessar admitted, “I do. I co
ndemn what the Naftalians did. But what your master made you do – and especially what he did to you to make you obey him – is worse in my book. So if you want to take revenge on anyone, it should be Kasimirh.”

  Lilith bowed her head and started to tremble.

  “Where would you have gone if you had managed to escape?” he asked.

  Lilith averted her head. Ferhdessar held the key under her nose. “You know what the king has said.”

  “I think I would have returned to my master. That’s what I wanted…” Ferhdessar shook his head. “But I probably would have changed my mind,” she added quickly.

  “That’s why I brought you back. Of course you being a prisoner was part of the reason, but my main goal was to protect you from yourself.”

  Frowning, Lilith looked at him. Could it be true that he was concerned about her even though he was hurting her? She decided that was impossible.

  For a minute it seemed as if Ferhdessar wanted to walk away, but then he turned back to face her. “Where does your anger come from?”

  Lilith had to think about that. “I can’t stand it if someone tries to corner me.”

  “Does it make you feel strong?”

  Lilith nodded. “At those moments, I want others to show me respect. They don’t realize who I am, but they should be afraid of me. I know that I’m stronger than they are. Aida knows this now as well.” Lilith knew that this conversation was also about her fight with the maidservant, so she might as well bring it up herself. “But at the same time, I’m not as strong as I’d like to be, because whenever I release my anger, I lose control. I have to be forced to stop. Either by someone else or by the fact that there’s nothing left to destroy.”

  Lilith looked outside through the open doors. It was so hard to admit that this was who she was.